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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Post# 104 - War On Spam: Nickolay and His Stolen Identity

Date: Sat, 13 Feb 2010 11:50:50 +0000

Good day,

I am Nikolay Sintsov,personal assistant to Mikhail Khodorkovsky,once rated as the richest man in Russia and owner of YUKOS OIL (Russian largest oil company),chairman CEO: Menatep SBP Bank (a well reputable financial institution with its branches all over the world).


I have a profiling amount in an excess of Forty Million,Five Hundred Thousand USA Dollars(US$40.5M), which I seek you to accommodate for me. You will be rewarded with 40% of the total sum for your partnership. Can you handle this?

As his personal assistant, I was authorized to transfer money of an American oil merchant for his last oil deal with my boss Mikhail Khodorkovsky.

The funds have since left the shores of America to a European private financial institution where the final crediting is to be carried out..

While I was on the process, my boss got arrested for his involvement in politics by financing the leading and opposing political parties (the Union of Right Forces, led by Boris Nemtsov, and Yabloko, a liberal/social democratic party led by Gregor Yavlinsky), which posed as a threat to President Vladimir Putin's second Tenure as Russian president. Since then, I have placed on hold all transactions concerning this amount. You can catch more of the story on this website:


All I need from you is to stand as the beneficiary of the above mentioned sum and I will re-profile the funds with your data, which will enable the finance company transfer the sum to you.

I have decided to use this sum to relocate to your country as soon as the funds are transfered to you and never to be connected to any of Mikhail Khodorkovsky conglomerates. Presently I am in London in Europe,for a hide out.

The transaction has to be concluded as soon and as I confirm your readiness to proceed with me, I will provide you with details.

If you are interested,can contact on my private email:

Thank you very much.


Nikolay Sintsov.
Date: Sat, 13 Feb 2010 21:58:30 -0500


I am extremely interested in your proposal. I love the idea of infinite wealth. I’ve been burned before by people who assured me that they were legitimate and trustworthy. I want to trust you. As you can imagine, I need verification.

I’ve thought long and hard about this. I need to know you’re a real person, with a real name. I also need to know you’re legitimate. Lastly, I need to have confirmation that you pay close attention to detail. Therefore, I need the following in order to proceed.

I need one photograph of you containing the following (please see the attached diagram):

1) Shirt off

2) The letter “L” scribed on your forehead in a large font using whipped cream or shaving cream. L stands for “Legitimate”.

3) The same whipped cream or shaving cream on your nipples.

4) Holding today’s newspaper to your left. This will verify time and place.

This may seem silly and unnecessary you, but this is very important to continue. Consider this the only path to our partnership.
Pat Vanhattan
Subject: Details about this transaction/my drivers licence attached.
Date: Sun, 14 Feb 2010 14:07:05 +0000

Good-day Pat,

Thank you for your email in response to my proposal to you for the Fund transfer of USD$40.5 million USD to you on my behalf. I quite understand and appreciate the content of your email. But I want you to understand that I have made an Honest proposal to you.Before we proceed I would like to make my position Known to you in regards to the legitimacy of this Transaction.

You have my personal guarantee and Assurance that this transaction is 100% legitimate and Risk free and it would be handled under the confines Of the law. I shall also require your personal Guarantee that you are someone that I can trust and Confide in because I will reciprocate same to you.

I would like us to establish a high degree of respect, Trust and confidence in ourselves because it is the Hallmark of any successful transaction. This in terms Of human and financial effort that are required to Achieve its success. You should also know that a transaction Of this nature and magnitude requires a high degree of confidentiality. 40% of the entire fund will be yours for your kind assistance.

Meanwhile, i would want you to send to me your information;(real name, fax number,phone number, age, your work,nationality), to enable me call you and have this transaction further discussed with you as well as send to you further details.

I attached in this mail,my Drivers Licence so that you will know whom you are dealing with.

I am presently in London.You can reached me on phone at +44-7045704792.

I await your urgent reply to enable me detail you Further on how to proceed.

Best Regards,

Nikolay Sintsov.


YOUR NAME:*********************
HOME ADDRESS: *****************
TELEPHONE AND FAX:************
YOUR AGE:*******************
YOUR COUNTRY*****************
Subject: RE: Details about this transaction/my drivers licence attached.
Date: Sun, 14 Feb 2010 10:42:48 -0500


I see the license. Thank you.

Hypothetically, what if someone named Roger stole Nikolay's wallet and driver's license. What if Roger then decided to start scamming people, using Nikolay's identity?

What if you're Roger?

That's why I'm asking for the specific photo that I described.
  •  It verifies you (now that I know what you look like).
  •  It verifies the time.
  • It verifies that we're on the same page.

 Thank you.

Pat Vanhattan
Subject: RE: Details about this transaction/my drivers licence attached.
Date: Mon, 15 Feb 2010 08:52:22 +0000

Dear Pat,

See i have my proof on this businness. and again am not a scam as you said.

I am not inpossing this business on you. is a free will, so if you are willing to this business i will give you more proof about this. you have my private no which you can call me any time and we can conclude in this business.

So if you are really intrested in this business proposal kindly let me know or i will look for someone else.

Like i told you am presently in London.You can reached me on phone at +44-7045704792.


Subject: RE: Details about this transaction/my drivers licence attached.
Date: Mon, 15 Feb 2010 09:41:22 -0500


Photo: L on forehead, shaving cream on nipples, today's newspaper. Your choice in this business is freewill as well.

Pat Vanhattan
Subject: RE: Details about this transaction/my drivers licence attached.
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 2010 21:48:07 -0500


It's been a few days. What's going on? The picture doesn't need to be perfect. Don't worry about your f-stop setting.

Or have you already given up? Was I about to begin a business partnership with a quitter?

Quit being such a girl. Send the damn picture and let's get on with this.

Pat Vanhattan
Subject: RE: Details about this transaction/my drivers licence attached.
Date: Thu, 18 Feb 2010 23:50:21 -0500

Hey Quitter

So what? The going gets a little tough, and you turn into a shy little girl?

It's pretty easy to snap a photo. I attached my rendition of what your photo might look like.

If you've given up on this great opportunity because of a little screening on my part, maybe you should go dress shopping and buy a girl's bike (the one with the curved down bar instead of the straight bar).

Either send the photo or admit you're a Cindy Brady.

Pat Vanhattan

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Monday, April 26, 2010

Post # 103 - Tom Wilson and My Piston Game Bunny Hop - 1/30/1997

I wrote this letter after a visit to the Palace of Auburn Hills, for a Detroit Piston Game.  Anyone who has spent any amount of time at the Palace, knows that they play around with the restrooms, often changing a men's room into a ladie's room to keep the lines down. 

So three consecutive female restrooms is common there.  If, as my story explains, the men's room was under construction, then it is indeed plausible that the next three restrooms would be female. 

Also, when we went to the April 16, 1997 Piston/Bucks game with the tickets that Tom sent, our seats were double-booked.  I wrote a follow-up letter about this, but there was no reply.

Dear Mr. Wilson,

On January 29, I had my first date with Rhonda, the girl of my dreams for fourteen years. I decided that dinner in the rustic settings of the Moose Preserve, and the Piston Game at the nearby Palace, would be the perfect date.

Dinner was delicious, and we never encountered any “awkward silence” that one finds on a bad first date. As I finished my Emu Burger and Buffalo Barley Soup, I began to feel a storm brewing somewhere in my intestines. Rhonda asked if something was wrong. “Nothing”, I said as I squirmed. “Have you ever seen the movie “Twister”?

As we arrived at the Palace, things were going great. Our Section 116 seats were prime. I love the view at the Palace, having seen such acts as The Who, Van Halen. And Neil Diamond (Okay—so I have a soft side. I wasn’t the only guy there!). Just before tip-off, I had to excuse myself and head to the restroom. Urgent!

As I waited in the restroom line, it took every fiber of my being to hold onto the raging beast within. Finally, with no other choice, I pushed through the line and found NO STALLS!!! I ran out, and frantically searched for a men’s room. There were three woman’s restrooms in a row! I realize that these were changed to compensate for the much slower urination process of the female, but at the same time, it didn’t matter.

In a state of panic, I ordered the largest available beverage, took a big gulp, dumped the rest, and fled for the parking lot, where I relieved myself between two vans. Unfortunately, the people in one of the vans saw me. They laughed and pointed because in their drunken haze, I was amusing like a fire-breathing clown with a wet, hacking cough. As I finished my act, a beer bottle hit me in the shoulder. I emptied the cup’s contents into the open van door and ran like hell. They gave chase, but I ran through the cars and hid beneath one.

As I headed in, the ticket person told me “no re-admission.” What about Rhonda? She was worried sick. I purchased another ticket and finally caught up to her. I had to explain. My testimony was interrupted by the “second gust”. With nowhere to go, I surrendered to the storm, at the expense of some 15,000 heartless fans.

You can’t understand how embarrassing this was—the van of laughing drunks, the fans screaming “Mr. Poopie Pants”, and the hurt in Rhonda’s eyes. Rhonda was very understanding. For most situations, your restroom arrangements might only be slightly less than adequate. In my case, it was a nightmare. No more Palace visits.

I am extremely disappointed with my most recent visit to the Palace—you used to know how to treat loyal customers. I would appreciate a written explanation as to why it had to be so humiliating for me.

Maliced at the Palace,

Response from Tom Wilson, President of Palace Sports and Entertainment, dated 2/14/1997:

Dear Jerry,

Well, I can only hope that your letter was written in jest. If parts of it are true, I can only say that you wandered into one of our bathrooms that are being renovated. When you left there, you either passed a men’s room and didn’t notice it, or became a little confused.

We have equal restrooms for men and women. If you had enough time to stop and order a Coke, and made it all the waft there, you either passed a men’s room and didn’t notice it, or became a little confused.

We have equal restrooms for men and women. If you had enough time to stop and order a Coke, and made it all the way to the parking lot before emptying, you could have walked another twenty feet around and found a men’s room.

It would appear that your bigger problem was with the Moose Preserve and the Emu Burger!

Anyway, no one should have the problems that you did, and your light hearted letter was hard to beat, so I have enclosed two tickets for the Pistons Vs Bucks game on April 16, 1997. I hope you will try us again, but I don’t know if you should stop on Woodward before coming to the game.


Tom Wilson

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Friday, April 23, 2010

Post # 102 - Guest Post from Vikki: Parts Geeks Screw the Pooch

Today, a friend came to me with a letter.  She's got a hoist potato on her hands, waiting on a part that she ordered from  They messed up.  I couldn't have done any better than what she did below. 

I laughed at the statement that "I probably know nothing toward the value of customer satisfaction". Vikki's a quality engineer. Anyone who has worked in this role (as I have in the past) knows that quality engineers eat, drink and breathe customer satisfaction. Great job Vikki!

Vikki has a great blog, Aphonic Reverie, which you can read here.  It's also linked on my site.
Re: Tracking Information for Invoice# 11-1166573 RMA Needed
Friday, April 23, 2010 9:28 AM

Dear Sir or Madam:

The part I received is not the Wheel Hub Assembly for a 2006 H3. It is a four bolt hub assembly and the vehicle is made with a three bolt hub assembly. I need an RMA immediately and a shipping account to which the return can be made as I do not feel I should pay shipping to return it when I already paid expedited freight to get it here and it was the wrong assembly.

When validated against the OEM parts catalog it is indeed your website has the wrong part listed for the vehicle.

Please respond as soon as possible as I have nearly $300.00 tied up in this and still have to purchase the correct assembly from a dealer as I already have the vehicle in a state of disassembly.

Thank you,

Return Authorization for Invoice# 11-1166573
Friday, April 23, 2010 10:55 AM
From: ""

Dear Victoria,

This E-mail is to inform you that you will receive your Return Information e-mail in 2-3 business days.

If you do not receive your Return Information E-mail within 3 business days, please contact us and we will send you a copy immediately.

As always, we thank you for choosing us for your automotive needs and want you to be 100% satisfied with your purchase. Please feel free to contact us with any concerns or comments.

Customer Service
Follow-up note, sent 4/23/2010:

Dear Parts Geek Customer Service:

I find it utmost upsetting that when ordering a part from your site that it takes only about 2.5 seconds for you to charge my credit card for my order, however when requesting an RMA I get an automated response that says I will get a RMA response in 2-3 business days.

Even the part I ordered (albeit the wrong one) arrived at my door step in 1 business day. Maybe Parts Geek should considering having an “order an RMA” option on your site so I could get it as quickly.

I also wonder if I don’t receive RMA in the 2-3 business day time frame, what is your back up system is that would send it immediately? It seems to me the immediate system would be the primarily appreciated system of your customer base, but I suppose I know nothing of value toward customer satisfaction.

I suppose it would be fine to wait on the RMA response if you could magically make the correct part appear and assemble itself into my already disassembled car. However; since you cannot oblige such a request, I guess I would just expect the courtesy of:

A) Actually sending me the RMA when you generate your automated email. It really can’t be that hard to add an automated return to number to the automated return email.


B) Sending me the correct part with a credit pending return of the wrong part. After all, I don’t have a vehicle I can put this on so I will be returning it for credit and you do have my credit card numbers if for some reason I would fail to follow through on my obligation.

For future automated email on RMA requests, I would also suggest you remove the 100% satisfaction statement. If I’m requesting an RMA chances are I’ve already found you missed that target; you’re just digging into an already oozing wound.

Based on your lack of expedient response tools, I can only suppose I’ll wait 2-3 weeks on a card credit and probably won’t get reimbursed for my initial shipping cost or the return costs.

Congratulations on making sure I never return for another purchase.



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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Post # 101 - War on Spam: Doctor Diarrhea and His Nemesis Gus Doseflushington

I have to take a mulligan on this one.  I misread the dude's name. 
Date: Tue, 9 Feb 2010 09:45:07 -0800


Good Day,

Confidential Business Proposal!!

I am Dr, Lassine Diawara the senior Auditor In charge of Foreign Remittance Unit of our bank and i decided to contact you for this financial transaction worth Fiveteen-Five million Dollars ( $ 15.5Million) for our present and future success.

This is an abandoned fund that belongs to one of our bank foreign customers who died along with his entire family through plane crash in Setember 2007.You can see the website link below.

Meanwhile i was very fortunate to come across the deceased file when I was arranging the old and abandoned customers files in other to sign and submit to the entire bank management an official re-documentation and to the law imposed by the British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said in World Press Confrerence on Tuesday 6 december 2005 at 12:18 GMT

For more information about the prime Minister decision on dormant accounts:


audit of the year against 2006.informed clearly that it was stated in our foreign banking rules and regulations which was signed lawfully that if such fund remains unclaimed till the period of 3 years started from the date when the beneficiary died, the money will be transferred into the Government treasury as an unclaimed fund.

However, it is not authorized by the rules guiding our bank for a citizen of Burkina Faso to make the claim of the fund unless you are a foreigner, no matter the country you come from. So the request of you as a foreigner is necessary to apply for the claim and transfer of the fund smoothly into your reliable bank account as the next of kin to the deceased.

I shall provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. I need your assistance and co-operation to this reality as I have done my Home-work and fine tune the best way to create you as the beneficiary of the fund. My position as the senior auditor of the bank will be used to advance this deal.

After the end of the business, We shall agree that { 35% } Thirty -Five Percent will be for you in respect of all your assistance for this transaction and { 10% } Will be for the incurred expenses that will be made, then { 55% } Fifty- Five Percent will be for me being the pioneer of the business . If you are really sure of your, Trust worthiness, Accountability and confidentiality on this transaction, contact me and accept not to change your mind to cheat, or disappoint me when the deposited funds is released to you by our bank.

I will like you to provide immediately the below informations, So reply for the assurance with this necessary informations to facilitate an easy communication.

1.Full Name:...........................
2.Full Address:......................
3.Telephone number :.........
4.Country :.............................

As soon as you reply , you notify me so that i will let you know the next steps and procedures to follow in order to finalize this transaction immediately,

I expect your urgent communication.

Yours sincerely ,

Dr Lassine Diawara
Senior Auditor Foreign Remittance Unit.
Bank Of Africa (BOA)
Date: Tue, 9 Feb 2010 22:45:28 -0500

Dear Doctor Diarrhea,

I appreciate this opportunity. To me, you are like royalty--we should place you on a throne. To borrow a phrase from a card game called poker, which is very popular in the United States: to come into this much money in these difficult times is a royal flush.

Before I answer your questions, I have a few for you.

You are indeed the pioneer, and worthy of 55%. Is this ingenuity a learned trait, or one that runs in the family?

What percentage of your assets are liquid?


Gus Doseflushington
Date: Thu, 11 Feb 2010 06:14:34 -0500

Dr. Diarrhea,

You never responded. I'm assuming you were still digesting my note.

Here is my info:
1.Full Name:. Gus Doseflushington
2.Full Address: 77 Crackawindo Circle, Immodium, WI 22220
3.Telephone number : I have elected to not own one.
4.Country : USA
5.Occupation: Proctologist's Assistant
6. Age: 23
7.Sex: Male
Let's get moving.

Subject: Go through the details for your understanding
Date: Thu, 11 Feb 2010 13:03:43 +0000

Dear Mr Gus,

I acknowledge with many thanks the receipt of your mail and the content therein. however, as I earlier stated, am a staff at the same bank (BANK OF AFRICA) were I discovered the sum of $15.5 (fifteen million, five hundred thousand USD) belonging to one of our Late customers Mr. George W. Brumley who died in a plane crash with all his family members members on sunday 16, september , 2007 in a plane crash in Thailand, leaving nobody behind to put claim over his balance left in his domiciliary bank account here at the bank.

Please visit this site that is one of the evidence that I brought in other to swallow the money at the end of the day,

I wish to remind you that this project is a mutual business opportunity which will profit you and I. It is only by togetherness and joint effort that we can make this transfer a success. I am given you my word that soonest the sky will be our limit.

I want to bring to your notice that, I am not doing this business because of the huge sum involve but because it is 100% safe and risk free for both parties, so I am assuring you triple fold that this business is not kids play at all. The fund for transfer is of non drug,terrorist or criminal related,

{INHERITANCE} is not a crime all over the World, a day old baby can inherit as you know even a deaf & dump and the blind can as well Inherit.They can not talk nor even read but Documents and only documents will talk and say for them.The difference in countries of origin,names,religion does not matter.

Feel free to ask me any question you need to know concerning this transaction

Below is my complete information:

(1) NAME: Dr Lassine Diawara
(2) AGE: 50
(3) PLACE OF BIRTH: Ouagadougou .
(4) HEIGHT: 1.75
(5) WEIGHT: 84 kg , Not Permanent.
(6) SEX: Male.
(7) QUALIFICATION: M.B.A in Economics And P. H. D in Banking and Finance Awarded
(8) OCCUPATION: Banker.
(9) WORKING EXPERIENCE :( T.I.C) Insurance Banjul Gambia & Presently In (Boa) Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso.
(10) MARITAL STATUS: Married With 3 Children.

On receipt of strong assurance from you I will send you a draft withdrawal application form which you will send to my bank for final transfer instructions, This project will be completed within 7 to 21 banking days if you can speedy up action.

You need to speedy actions because we are about conducting our first quarter revision of files in my bank for Audition,and if there is no claim for this fund; other people may discover the fund during our next audit. And i don't want the FUND to be discovered by the bank AUDITORS who are due to arrive next week to return it to the bank treasury as unclaimed bills.

I have all it takes to complete this project once you indicate your interest to work with me, All information of the decease customer is with me intact and i will forward all to you once the bank request for it,

I will give you the updates when I hear from you.  Pls keep this project as your top secret to protect our interests;  I look forward to your earliest response.  Iam waiting for your call once you receive the details

00226-75-45 83 60

Regards and thanks,

Dr Lassine Diawara
My response sent 2/11/2010:

Dear Dr. Diarrhea,

You had me at "deaf & dump and the blind can still inherit".  Let's push this one out while the ink is still a little wet.  I see you're one step ahead, having sent me an application separately.

Look, Dr. D.  I'm sort of a reverse technologist.  As a Proctologist's Assistant, I see a lot of things.  Telephones and technology are bad.  They emit electrical fields that cause cancer.  Also, as your partner, I should recommend high fiber and a monthly colonic.

Since I lack a fax, I've taken the liberty of filling out the form and emailing it back.  Let me know if there are any problems.  Pull up a stool and look it over.

Your Partner,

Gus Doseflushington

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Post # 100 - Handi Foil Poultry Pan Adhesive Booger - 2/9/2010

Handi-Foil aluminum pans are made in the US.  They're a great product, and I was impressed with their response to my letter.
Dear Handi-Foil,

I purchased your 3-pack of aluminum foil poultry pans for my family Superbowl gathering. The label said “Made in the USA. It made me feel proud. The dimensions were perfect for my chicken.

When I peeled back the Handi-Foil label, I noticed a big booger. The booger resembled the rubber cement boogers that we all engineered on our desks during 5th Grade Social Studies. For a moment, I envisioned that booger adhering itself to the chicken that I was roasting. I then pictured the elder member of the family, Grandma Egselad, ingesting this object and being rushed off to the hospital. Oh how the sisters would gossip, pinning blame on me for years to come. “He killed her. She survived five wars and the Great Depression, only to die from his chicken booger.”

I used the peeling skills that I had learned back then and averted what could have been a big catastrophe. But it raises a bunch of questions, none of which are addressed on your site’s FAQ section.

1) What is that thing doing in there? Did a worker have a runny nose?
2) Is it safe?
3) Has the Food and Drug Administration bought off on that?
4) What if someone didn’t see it, and later ingested it?
5) Your site said the pans are Kosher-approved. What about the pan plus booger?
If the booger is actually adhesive, would it make more sense to put the label on the bottom side? Or, adhere the label with something less booger-like? Or maybe stamp the pertinent details into the bottom.

If it’s not adhesive, maybe give your workers boxes of Kleenex, and possibly a booger break.


Scott's reply, sent 2/1/2010

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for purchasing Handi-foil. We appreciate you writing to us about your observation with the Poultry Pan packaging. I will address each of your questions in the order you presented them.

1. The “booger” you observed was not from a human nose. It was indeed a small piece of the Hot Melt Adhesive the we use to adhere product labels to the foil pans. We have strict Food Manufacturing policies that apply across our production lines. There is no human interaction anywhere between the application of the adhesive inside the pan and when a label is applied. Rest assured, no one had a runny nose on the production line. While most products emerge with only the intended dollop of adhesive, occasionally the nozzle that applies the adhesive will drip a little extra resulting in what you described.

2. The Hot Melt Adhesive that is used is FDA approved and is safe for contact with food.

3. As stated in #2 above, the adhesive used is FDA approved and is safe for contact with food.

4. We don’t recommend that anyone eat the adhesive, but as stated in #2 and #3, the adhesive is FDA approved.

5. Yes, the pans plus the adhesive are considered Kosher together.

6. Labels are always applied inside the pans due to merchandising constraints.

7. The adhesive used is the most efficient and most easily removed from the products. Other adhesive options are sub-optimal.

8. Certain pertinent details, like UPC bar codes, cannot be stamped and subsequently scanned at the register.

I hope that these answers have addressed all of the questions you raised. Handi-foil is committed to the safety of our consumers and our products. That’s how we’ve been able to serve America for over 25 years.


Handi-foil Corporation

To: Scott
Subject: RE: Question
Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 21:41:57 -0500


This is all great info. Thanks for being a good sport through my Booger Inquisition.

Your tins are perfect for what I do. Keep up the good work!

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Post # 99 - My Grand Daughter and Her Drawerful of KY Jelly

My note to Johnson and Johnson, sent 2/6/2010:
Dear Johnson and Johnson,

In 1975, my wife of 41 years passed away. Audrey was a pure soul, and I couldn’t deal with her loss. I became a missionary, and quickly disappeared to third world countries in Africa. Hard work and dire conditions healed my wounds. Last year, I returned to the town that I once knew. The town drug store is now a cell phone store. People rent movies instead of watching them in film houses. I’ve been out of the loop.

I quickly enrolled in driver’s education (I needed a refresher), and computer courses (when I left, we were still using punch cards). I never owned a credit card, or an IPOD. I never heard of a VCR, let alone a DVD player. I’m adjusting now—I even have a mobile phone.

My son, Alex, and his wife Barbara welcomed me with open arms. My other son, Timothy, is still angry. But that’s a story for another day. Last summer, Alex and Bab’s 18-year-old daughter Natalie ran away. I talked her into moving into my home until she could “work things out” at home, and find some direction. After the holidays, she went away to college, to study veterinary sciences.

As I was cleaning out Natalie’s room, I accidentally opened a dresser drawer. I found sixteen boxes of something called KY Jelly. You’ll have to forgive me for being naïve—I’ve been gone for years.

I phoned Natalie at her dorm and asked what it was. She hesitated, and then explained that she uses KY Jelly to lubricate the tuning slides on her tuba. This seemed fishy to me since I’ve never even heard Natalie play that thing since she moved in! I asked what she used KY Jelly Warming Lubricant for. Natalie explained that she uses this during the Thanksgiving and Christmas parades, to keep her tuba warm. Apparently a warmer instrument produces a sweeter sound.

I saw your name on the box and decided to contact you with my questions. Am I being sold a bill of goods over here? It just seems like there’s a lot of it in this drawer for one tuba. Also, I did a cursory check at the music store—they sell a specific oil for that purpose.

Any information that you can provide is appreciated.


Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 08:31:31 +0000

Subject: Re: K-Y® Website: Thank you for contacting the Information Center. Reference #: 013636609A.

Dear Jer:

Thank you for contacting Personal Products Company, makers of K-Y® Brand Jelly Personal Lubricant. It is always important to hear from our consumers and we appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.

The question that you asked requires a more in- depth discussion than is possible through e-mail, and we would like to assist you as appropriate. Please call our toll free number, 1-800-582-6097 and mention the reference number noted below at that time. Our healthcare consultants are available Monday through Friday between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. EST.

Thank you for contacting us about this important matter. We look forward to your call.

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Post # 98 - War on Spam: Barrister Garry and My Deceased Father - 2/1/2010

My favorite part of this might be the paternity test.
Subject: Dear Sir/ Madem.
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 2010 09:01:13 +0100

Dear Sir/ Madem,

Please accept my sincere apology if my email does not suit your business or personal ethics. I will first introduce myself to you. My name is Barr. Garry Olsen , the Attorney to Late Dr. David Clemetson, who died along with his entire family in crash at Alaska Airlines on Jan. 31, 2000.

Please view this website for verification

My Client Dr. David Clemetson have a deposit of $38.5 Million US dollars in a consignment with a Finance Security Firm in London. Since then, nobody has done anything as regards the claiming of this money, as he has no family member that has any knowledge as to the existence of either the deposited $38.5M in a consignment; I have confidently discussed this issue with some of the Finance Security Firm officials and we have agreed to find a reliable partner to deal with.

My proposition to you, is to seek your consent to present you as the Next of kin and beneficiary receiver of this late client’s deposit $38.5M in a consignment , The consignment was registered as CONFIDENTIAL DIPLOMATIC DOCUMENTS; but it’s only you and i knows the content to be money please don’t let any one know about it to avoid losing the funds. If are interested to receive the consignment kindly let me know at once.

I am ready to release 40% of the total money to you for your help; I will be expecting your reply today please advice me of any good and lucrative business in your country that I can invest my share into.This transaction is totally free of risk and life time opportunity for us for our mutual benefits. Kindly response back to me to enable me give you the next step to adopt to enable us bring this life changing deal to reality.

I look forward to your earliest reply,

Best regards

Barr. Garry Olsen
Subject: RE: Dear Sir/ Madem.
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 2010 22:43:18 -0500

Dear Barrister Garry,

One snowy December night, 38 years ago, a flight from Minneapolis to Houston was delayed. Passengers were required to stay over, either in local hotels, or in the terminal. That night, a passenger introduced himself to a Dairy Queen cashier. They spent the night together right there at the terminal, behind the Orange Julius counter. Nine months later, I was born. My mother raised me alone. I guess you could say I knew the passenger. Dr. David Clemetson was in fact my father.

Seeing him in that casket, on that Saturday morning in January, I felt nothing. He came to see me on my fifth Birthday. We went to a Twins game at the Metrodome when I was 13. He sent me a card when I graduated. Then I saw him in the casket. Not much of a father.

It sounds like you knew him well. Was he a good man? Did he ever mention his son? It would really make me happy if he did. It would make me really happy. Really really happy. I've always sort of felt like Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper's long-forgotten son.

Anyway, I guess I can trust you since you knew Papa. Send me your little pamphlet and let's get started.

David Clementson Jr.

Date: Sun, 7 Feb 2010 03:55:23 +0100

Dear Jerry

Thank you for your response to my mail.

The said money is $38.5 Million US dollars in a consignment deposited in Finance Security Firm here in England by Late Dr. David Clemetson who died along with his entire family in crash at Alaska Airlines on Jan. 31, 2000. I will present to the Finance Security Firm as the beneficiary of the deposited consignments with some backup documents that be in your names and address which I shall proceed to secure the documents on receipt of reply.

I finish you with the Certificate of deposit and Death Certificate of my Late Dr. David Clemetson as soon as i hear from you with the information below.

I will make sure I provide all the paper works necessary documents for easy release of the consignments (funds) to you as the beneficiary. so please, make me feel comfortable in you by telling me more about yourself, work, family etc. Please kindly send back to me the information below.

[1] Full Names:
[2] Contact address:
[3] Direct Telephone:
[4] Date of birth:
[5] What you do for a living:

As soon as I receive the above requested information I will instruction for further proceedings and i am very sorry that your father did not say anything about you.I am very sorry about that but we can continue with the transaction since one of his family is alive.

I am waiting for quick reply and the required information's;

God bless you.


Barr. Garry Olsen.
Subject: RE: Dear Jerry
Date: Sun, 7 Feb 2010 00:50:48 -0500

Hello Garry,

Maybe you misunderstood. As I very clearly explained, I'm David Clementson Jr--the son of the deceased man that you keep discussing. Were you reading?

I'm aware of his "other" family that died. My email address is in tribute to the famous ice fisherman.

The more I think about it, why do I need you? I have the paternity test results--mom was a stickler. I can prove that I'm the lone heir to that money.

Kindly step aside.


Date: Sun, 7 Feb 2010 22:27:23 +0100

Subject: Re: Dear Jerry

Dearest Jerry,

I do understand you very well but i will like you to send me the information i ask you in my second email sent to you,so that i can give you the contact of the company where the consignment was deposited and i will be sending you some document to back it up,i wait to hear from you as soon as possible so that we can proceed.

Thank you

Barrister Garry Olsen.
Subject: RE: Dear Jerry
Date: Sun, 7 Feb 2010 17:02:00 -0500

Dear Garry,

You do not understand. When we were leaving the Metrodome that time, my father whispered in my ear, a hollowed tree in an enchanted forest, where all of the contact information resides. So basically, it's a race between you and I to find that hidden document. If I find it first, I don't need you, and I keep all of the loot. If you find it first, I have to beg you for forgiveness.

Just let me know if you find it first.  See the attached results.


David Clementson Jr.
Subject: FW: Document
Date: Sun, 7 Feb 2010 23:14:54 -0500

My Dear Garry,

I'm glad you see the results. The science is undeniable. I'm the legitimate heir of my father's fortune.

If I give you my information and work with you, I give you 60% and keep 40%. If I don't give you my information, and find the hollow tree in the enchanted forest, I give you 0% and keep 100%.

I have a mustard stained napkin with a map to the tree. If you were me, what would you do? Go for 40% or go for 100%?

Thanks anyway,

David Clementson Jr.

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Sunday, April 11, 2010

Post # 97 - Michigan Brand Old Fashioned Cottage Cheese - 2/3/2010

My friend John brought this to my attention.  Michigan Brand Cottage Cheese, by all indications on the container, is not made in Michigan.  When he pointed this out, he also mentioned how good their cottage cheese is.  I tried it--it's the best I've ever had.  Very little of the wet stuff in there.  I recommend it!
Subject: Curds
Date: Wed, 3 Feb 2010 22:25:59 -0500

Dear Michigan Brand Cottage Cheese,

So there I was, planning an All-Michigan Brands party for my seventh grade class at Booferton Elementary. Isaac Booferton was a settler in the 1840’s who single-handedly wrestled a pack of rabid wolves to protect the others as they settled our land. He died soon after, due to the wounds, but his sacrifices allowed the others to live. Our school is named in honor of his great grandson, the town gynecologist, who had a mistress and donated a lot of money.

Back to the topic. Students were instructed to bring in something made in Michigan for the class to share. There was Faygo Root Beer, Better Made Chips, Bumpy Cake, Vernor’s Ginger Ale, those Awry Windmill Cookies, Dearborn Ham, Germack Pistachios, Sander’s Hot Fudge Sundaes, Kowalski Sausage, and my contribution, Michigan Brand Old Fashioned Cottage Cheese.

One of the kids quickly pointed out that Michigan Brand Old Fashioned Cottage Cheese is made not in Michigan, but in… Ohio. I was the laughing stock. I lost control of the class. Later in the week, Principal Jefferson audited my class. Afterward, I was scolded, right in front of the lunch lady with the Pizzaburgers and the plastic glove box.

Why would you manufacture Michigan Brand Old Fashioned Cottage Cheese in Ohio? People buy your stuff thinking they’re supporting Michigan. Aren’t you sort of selling a lie, curd by curd? It’s like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat, or Dolly Parton stuffed her bra. While we’re talking about curds, there were some small ones in there among the large ones.

Response from I & K Distributors on 2/4/2010

Mr. Herman

I’m going to side with you. Reread the container it says “distributed by” not manufactured. Michigan Brand Cottage is in fact made in Michigan. I & K is the exclusive distributor and we just happen to be in Ohio, with distribution points in Michigan. Hope this helps you regain your class and earn an apology from the principle.

I & K Distributors
My response to Melissa, dated 2/4/2010:


Thanks for the info. I'm going to be dishing out a little weekend homework.

Maybe someone should slap a "Made in Michigan" sticker on those bad boys.

Thanks again,

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Friday, April 9, 2010

Product Review # 1 - Essential Games of the Detroit Tigers 4 DVD Set ($21.99 at Amazon) - 4/8/2010

Overview: The Essential Games of the Detroit Tigers is a 4 DVD set featuring four historic games, as well as highlights from dozens of others.

Packaging: Each game comes on its own disc, in its own slim case. Front of each World Series game feature the Official Program Cover. The last Game at Tiger Stadium shows a nice view from Michigan and Trumbull. The back of each case features a brief synopsis of the game, as well as the starting line-ups. Each disc shows the inning by inning scoreboard. The slim cases all fit into a nice cardboard box.

The disc menus are nice—allowing you to play the entire game, or select the top or bottom of any inning.

The games are:

Disc 1: Detroit Tigers vs. St. Louis Cardinals, World Series Game 5 at Tiger Stadium, 10/7/68. This game is featured in black and white, as it was originally broadcast. Yes, the box says “Color”, and yes, I’ve seen color highlights, but we all know these ’68 World Series games were broadcast in black and white. Disc 1 also includes all of the bonus highlights, which I describe in detail below under “Extras”.

Disc 2: Detroit Tigers vs. St. Louis Padres, World Series Game 5 at Tiger Stadium, 10/14/84. This game featured the classic showdown between Goose Gossage and Kirk Gibson. This game features the NBC audio, as well as radio broadcast, featuring the great Ernie Harwell.

Disc 3: Detroit Tigers vs. Kansas City Royals, 9/27/99 at Tiger Stadium. This was the final game at Tiger Stadium. This DOESN’T feature the pre-game speeches or post-game festivities.

Disc 4: Detroit Tigers vs. Oakland A’s, ALCS Game 4, 10/12/2006. This game featured the Magglio Ordonez walk-off home run that sent Detroit to the World Series.

The video quality in this set is as you would expect—as good as the technology that existed at the time of the games. The 1968 game is in black and white, and the audio shows signs of being recorded in 1968. The 1984 game shows some degradation, but looks and sounds good. The 1999 and 2006 games look and sound like they were recorded yesterday.

In my opinion, A&E did a decent job selecting memories. I like the focus on post-season accomplishments, and likeable players (like Fidrych, Fryman, and Fielder) who didn’t wind up on a ’68, ’84, or ’06 team.

I would have really liked to see the complete 1987 pennant game vs. the Blue Jays. I might have enjoyed the Dave Rozema karate kick, or Jack Morris No-Hitter highlights.

Most of all, I would have liked more earlier memories. More of the ’67, ’68 and ’72 teams. Maybe some 1940’s and 1950’s. Definitely more Al Kaline.

The best part of this set might be the extra highlights. Disc 1 is loaded with highlights. Each is typically 2 to 5 minutes long.


1971 All Star Game at Tiger Stadium - Shows introduction of Tiger Players, Billy Martin, and famous home run by Reggie Jackson.

5/15/76 Mark Fidrych Complete Game against the Yankees at Tiger Stadium. They show an introduction, describing his antics. Shows Fidrych getting last out against Elrod Hendricks thanking teammates and umps, and taking three curtain calls.

10/5/84 ALCS Game 3 - Chet Lemon scoring on Marty Castillo groundout. Willie Hernandez against Daryl Motley for last out. Team celebrating. (Ernie Harwell broadcast)

10/12/84 World Series Game 3 –Willie Hernandez against Steve Garvey for last out. (Ernie Harwell broadcast)

10/13/84 World Series Game 4 – Alan Trammell’s two home runs. (Ernie Harwell and Vin Scully doing broadcast)

10/4/87 – Tigers vs. Blue Jays at Tiger Stadium. Shows Frank Tanana against Dane Iorg for last out. Team and fans celebrating.

10/10/87 – ALCS Game 3 - Tigers vs. Twins at Tiger Stadium. Shows Pat Sheridan hitting home run off of Jeff Reardon, with Jack Morris pinch running. Fans throwing stuff on the field. Mike Henneman striking out Kent Hrbek for the last out.

6/21/1988 – Tigers vs. Yankees at Tiger Stadium. Shows Alan Trammell hitting a grand slam walk-off. This is from the old PASS network (Larry Osterman and I believe Jim Northrup broadcast)

9/14/1991 – Tigers against Brewers at County Stadium – Cecil Fielder hits #41 out of the park. This was the year he hit 51 in the race against Canseco. This is from the old PASS network (Larry Osterman and I believe Jim Northrup broadcast)

7/27/1993 – Tigers vs. Yankees at Tiger Stadium. Travis Fryman hits for cycle –double, home run, single, and triple.

9/21/1995 – Tigers vs. Orioles at Tiger Stadium – Alan Trammell and Lou Whitaker’s last game together at Tiger Stadium. Show them warming up, Whitaker walking (in last at bat) walking off the field together to ovations. Trammell ended up playing in 1996. Whitaker retired.

4/11/2000 – Comerica Opening Day – Ernie Harwell Master of Ceremonies speech, introduction of Tiger greats (including Al Kaline, George Kell, Willie Horton, Sparky Anderson). Lengthy Flag ceremony.

7/16/2004 – Tigers versus Yankees at Comerica Park – Maroth striking out Gary Sheffield for last out of his one-hitter. (Frank Beckman broadcast)

4/29/2006 – Tigers against Twins at Comerica – Tigers beat Twins 18-1. Home runs by Guillen, Granderson, Ordonez. (Mario Impemba and Rod Allen broadcast)

5/20/2006 – Curtis Granderson hits home run against Seattle at Comerica Park to join 20/20 club. I think the date on this is incorrect because he didn’t have 20/20 by May. (Either Rizz or Rathbun commentating--I don't know the difference. Whichever says “Goodbye Baseball”)

10/6/2006 – Tigers vs. Yankees at Comerica Park. ALCS Game 3. Kenny Rogers manhandling the Yankees.

10/7/2006 – Tigers vs. Yankees at Comerica Park. ALCS Game 4. Todd Jones getting the last out. Fans and players celebrating (including Leyland kissing a fan through the screen).

10/13/2006 – Tigers vs. A’s at Comerica Park. ALDS Game 3 – Craig Monroe Home Run, Todd Jones getting final out.

10/22/2006 – Tigers vs. Cardinals at Comerica Park. World Series Game 2 – Kenny Rogers pine tar. Craig Monroe home run off Jeff Weaver. Todd Jones getting last out.

6/12/2007 – Tigers vs. Brewers at Comerica Park. Jeff Verlander No-Hitter. They show about 21 of the 27 outs, including the Maglio sliding catch and the last out. They left out the really nice Neifi Perez play. (Mario Impemba and Rod Allen broadcast)

9/27/1999 –Tigers vs. Royals at Tiger Stadium. This is a short film that someone put together. It’s so-so.

You can buy this set here or use my Amazon window


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Post # 96 - Black and Decker Coffee Maker Flunkie - 2/2/2010

Dear Black And Decker,

As an air traffic controller, I need to be alert at all times. I drink more than my share of coffee. I have four cups by the time the Horde hits. “Horde” is an industry term for the wave of 9AM commercial flights arriving in our airport. There are a very high number of 7AM flights in our time zone, and they all seem to arrive at the same time on any given weekday.

The vending machine coffee costs 50 cents, and tastes like someone soaked their smelly barf-soaked socks in the filter. One day, I opted to bring in my own coffee pot. As I looked through the isle, I selected Black and Decker. Ever since the Father’s Day I gave my Papa a Black and Decker Shop Vac, I have been pleased. I chose the unit that features a timer. DCM 1400B. The Café Noir, with it’s sleak, sexy curves and tantalizing flip lid. In this way, I could be greeted in the workplace with pipin’ hot coffee, every day.

This was my dream for three solid years, five days a week. I’d enjoy a pot a day. My blood pressure shot through the roof—it was fantastic. Until last Thursday.

Check the flight records. Last Thursday, a 747 and a 727 were cleared to land on the same runway at the same time. If not for the stunt flying talents of Captain Eugene Monastat, we would have had an incident. He quickly aborted landing and pulled back up. He circled around again until my supervisor cleared him to land. My supervisor, who put me on paid leave.

I was dragging that day. I didn’t have any coffee. My Black and Decker Café Noir Coffee Maker called in sick that day. It seems the burner decided to stop working. How could this happen so soon? Was that Elton John Candle in the Wind song really about his Black and Decker Coffee Maker?

I’m sure that somewhere in the box, there was a 90 day or 12 month warranty on parts. I’m sure I looked at it and laughed to myself. “Warranty? Give me a break—this is a Black and Decker. IT will outlive ME!”

My mom uses the same electric waffle iron that her grandmother used back in the Eisenhower administration. It has never failed—those waffles taste as good as they did when my Great Grandfather stared at that “ready” indicator. How, I ask, can we excuse a 3 hour appliance lifespan? To me, that’s disgraceful. I would be ashamed. I would feel a little shame. If Café Noir was a high school student, she flunked 11th Grade Biology and didn’t graduate.

I’d appreciate a written explanation. Your appliance failed me, and far, far too soon.

Thank you,

Date: Thu, 4 Feb 2010 08:12:25 -0500

Subject: Re: Applica Inquiry - Transaction 9653130 (Thread:2096138)

Thank you for contacting Applica Consumer Products, Inc., a subsidiary of Salton, Inc. We value you as a customer and appreciate your patronage.

Unfortunately we are unable to determine the issue with your coffeemaker via email. Your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate department.

If we can be of any further assistance, we ask that you please contact our Consumer Service Department at 1-800-231-9786. Our hours of operation are Monday thru Friday from 8:30am ET to 8:00pm ET. You can also elect to e-mail us at, or you can go to and fill out a contact form. A representative will be happy to assist you.

Applica Consumer Service

Subject: RE: Applica Inquiry - Transaction 9653130 (Thread:2096138)
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 2010 23:06:42 -0500

Dear Nameless Customer Service Entity,

I'm assuming that when you forward this to the appropriate department, this becomes a cold case.

Cold as that burner was when it didn't work.

While we're venting, I never liked the pitcher spout. Most pots are designed to pour cleanly from pot to coffee maker and pot to mug. With your dandy pitcher the liquid, be it water or hot coffee, liked to flow down the side of the spout part, all over the place rather than cleanly "off of the spout" into the intended target. There was an art--she was like a wild bronco that I learned to ride over time. A very gradual tip of the coffee pot usually did the trick, but about once a week, I was wiping up coffee.

Please share that with whichever nameless department would want to know about that.

If anyone cares, I have the problematic coffee pot. I'm thinking of throwing it out.

Date: Fri, 5 Feb 2010 15:33:44 -0500

Subject: Re: Applica Inquiry - Transaction 9653130 (Thread:2096138)

Thank you for contacting Applica Consumer Products, Inc., a subsidiary of Salton, Inc. We value you as a customer and appreciate your patronage.

Unfortunately there is only a 1 year limited warranty on your model.

Our products are built to high industry standards and function as designed. However, we are constantly striving for better quality and ways to improve our products. In this endeavor, our Engineering and Quality Control team are regularly informed of consumer feedback regarding any difficulty encountered during the use of our products.

We have forwarded your comments to our Engineering and Quality Control team.

If we can be of any further assistance, we ask that you please contact our Consumer Service Department at 1-800-231-9786. Our hours of operation are Monday thru Friday from 8:30am ET to 8:00pm ET. You can also elect to e-mail us at, or you can go to and fill out a contact form. A representative will be happy to assist you.

Applica Consumer Service
Subject: RE: Applica Inquiry - Transaction 9653130 (Thread:2096138)
Date: Fri, 5 Feb 2010 23:24:28 -0500

Dear Nameless Customer Service Entity,

I figured that at some point, you'd hide behind that piece of paper. I suppose I'm a sucker for not opening the box before I purchased the Cafe Noir to understand its warranty. Just between you and me, doesn't a one year warranty seem a little flimsy? I assume that duration was determined by some folks with slide rules and data to ensure profitability. So this coffee pot, if as you say, functions as designed, was more or less pre-destined to quit working. In fact, three years is quite a run--wouldn't you say?

People that I know well in the consumer industry are very interested in failed components. There is much to be learned from a part that fails. How was it used? How often? How long? What type of water (soft, hard, etc)? What type of coffee? Was it moved often? These types of answers, in combination with the analysis of the parts, could only result in better understanding of your product, your user, and how to improve. If there were things from past returns and usages, that could have been conveyed to me to improve my coffee maker experienc e (i.e. Folgers Coffee is harsh on a coffee maker.)

But as you said, it functions as designed, so I guess we're all set.

In your generic note, you mentioned forwarding my comments to your engineering and quality control teams. That's fine--hopefully it benefits the next guy, who won't be me.

The coffee maker, and all the information that you can learn from it, are sitting on my curb for garbage pickup. It's the one with "NFG" spraypainted on it.


I'm not really impressed with Black and Decker.

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Monday, April 5, 2010

Post # 95 - War on Spam: "Zongonica" 1-26-2010

In the past, I've had multiple exchanges with Mr. Zongo, and also had an exchange with Monica.

In one letter, Mr. Zongo threatened me, that:
Listen very carefully Mr Jermonius i don’t contact you in this transaction for play ok, so if you’re out for business better be serous
So I thought, two people, similar interests (ripping people off), who live 50 miles apart.  Hmm...
Dear Monica,

My cousin, Todd O’Hocketsmitch, gave me your contact information. He told me that you’re 26, single, sexy, and an entrepreneur. He mentioned something about his girlfriend’s hat that you borrowed. Whatever. He told me you’re in Senegal (West Africa).

I have a great friend and business partner, Mr. Zongo Ali, in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. He is also an entrepreneur, and one heck of a great guy. I am using this email as an introduction. Attached is a nice picture of Monica, and my rendition of what Mr. Zongo Ali might look like. Mr. Zongo Ali, please feel free to forward a more recent photo.

Monica, I suggested this introduction to Mr. Zongo Ali. Mr. Zongo Ali, normally outspoken, very humbly (yet, at the same time, very enthusiastically) exclaimed “Thanks a lot!” So here we all are.

Monica likes dressing up. She loves golds and diamonds. Mr. Zongo is definitely not an avid skier—I can’t seem to get him on those slopes.

Well, I assume both of you like to eat. How about a meal on me, at the midway point, Mopti? There’s a great Sizzler there. I’d be pleased to set up a meeting for you too. I’ll even book separate rooms in the neighboring hotel, in case you two get chatty and lose track of time.

Now Mr. Zongo Ali, I expect you to behave like a gentleman. Don’t get too grabby. Monica, you make sure to leave room for the Holy Spirit. Mr. Zongo Ali can be assertive when you have something he wants. Resist temptation. Slap him around a little if necessary. You both know what I’m saying—not too fast. Take this time to enjoy getting to know one another. All I ask is an invitation to the wedding.


Jermonius VonCheddarburger (And Todd O’Hocketsmitch)
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:17:06 +0800


Subject: Bls: Introduction

Dear, you sound so much funny.i only asked you to help me back to my country. or you come down here for me. thanks that is for me and tell me when you are to send the help to me. or when you are to come here.from,Monica.
My response to Monica and Zongo, sent 1/28/2010

Unfortunately, running a Bed and Breakfast is a 24/7 proposition. Someone has to fill the troughs with slop. Someone has to answer a call at 10:30 at night for Lady Higgleston’s turn down service. Someone has to dash upstairs with a plunger because Mr. Sundunton doesn’t realize that if it’s not “going down” you should stop flushing and get some help.

That someone is me.

But worry not, Mon Mon. I’ve sent you an angel. And that angel’s name: Mr. Zongo Ali. I’ve noticed through our notes, he has been very very quiet. This could mean one of two things:

1) He is very shy and petrified by your beauty. If this is the case, please offer him some encouragement. Make the first move. Fight for him! But don’t make him take his shoes off—Mr. Zongo has quite a foot odor problem.

2) Mr. Zongo Ali has already “closed the deal”. He talks a big game. We’ll see.

What’s the story Mr. Zongo Ali?

The future or Moni-Zongo is really up to you two. I’ve brought you together, like a beautiful cupid. Take that next step.


Follow-up on 1/30/2010:


I hate being in the middle. Mr. Zongo Ali, as it turns out, is very, very shy. He holds you in very high regard. He’s freshly out of a long relationship, and much like a wounded finch. He needs some encouragement to get back on those malodorous feet.

He wanted me to ask you three questions.

1) He doesn’t want your first date to be on my dime, but he has some problems with the Sizzler. Some of the food sets off his IBS. Fair enough. Also, he’s on a fixed budget. Would a picnic on the lawn across the street from the Sizzler be acceptable? Mr. Zongo Ali is prepared to assemble a lovely-yet-frugal-feast.

2) Would it be acceptable if Mr. Zongo Ali brought along his mother? She would like to meet you before you two fall too madly in love. She had problems with the last one. You can understand—he’s a bit of a mama’s boy. Also, his Aunt, Nana, and older sister Stephanie would like to come. Gossip at the coffee shop has grown dull, and you seem interesting to them.

3) Mr. Zongo Ali is wondering if you’re into any “weird stuff”. He was quick to correct my wording when I used the word “fetish”, but Mr. Zongo Ali likes to wear a diaper. He’s hoping you’re cool with that. I personally think he’s repressing something.



PS-Zongo—call your mom—it’s been three hours.