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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Post # 70 - War on Spam - World Bank - 6/2/2009

Subject: CHECK OF $800.000.00(APPROVED)
Date: Tue, 2 Jun 2009 20:16:41 -0600


Congratulations to you as we bring your notice the results of the world Bank promo and your email Address was selected through a computer ballot system drawn We are happy to inform you that your email won $800.000.00 United States Dollars. I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirmable Bank Draft of $800.000.00 United States Dollars, but I did not hear from you since that time. Then I went and deposited the Draft with FEDEX EXPRESS DELIVERY,West Africa, I travelled out of the country for a 3 Months Course and I will not come back till end of August 2009.

What you have to do now is to contact the FEDEX EXPRESS DELIVERY as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because of the expiring date. For your information,I have paid for the delivering Charges,Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque showing that it is not a Drug Money or meant to sponsor Terrorist attack in your Country. Again, I would have paid for the security keeping fee but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demurrage.You have to contact the FEDEX EXPRESS INTERNATIONAL with the following informations:

First name:
Last Name:

Dispatch Director: Mr. Humphrey Hill
Email Address:
Tel: +234-8051471138

You are advice to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping fee of $250 US Dollars for their immediate action.You should also let me know through email as soon as you receive your Draft.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr Linda Kershaw

My response, sent 6/2/2009:

Dear Mr. Linda Kershaw,

I speak in not correct English too so I understand email you sent me. I also understand your missing punctuation.

I am truly sorry for keeping you waiting. I received this message no more than 10 minutes ago. You seem impatient. Is everything okay?

I am very interested in my $800.000.00 check. I never sent you an email to actually win this, but whatever. I am already independently wealthy, as the owner of a cheese extruding processor patent. This patent has made my wildest dreams come true. But, as we say in US, when it rains, it really rains.

Enough about me though.

I want to expedite this process. I need this money tomorrow since my Slipper Factory's grand opening is taking place, and I would like to adorn the entire perimeter of the event with lavish ice sculptures and interpretive dancers.

Please be advised, that to secure this payment and to guarantee it's prompt arrival, I have sent, to Humphery Hill's attention, a check for $5,000. I am counting on you to ensure that Humphery is available tomorrow to handle the details.

Best of luck with your coursework--we're never to old to learn. There is only one more matter that we need to address. Who names their son Linda? It's an odd choice. Do you have an adam's apple? Just wondering.


Richard Dragon

P.S.- Below is the info that I sent:

First Name: Richard
Middle Name: R.
Last Name: Dragon
Phone: 867-5309 (Jenny answers my phones)
Nationality: Svedish
Age: 18
Occupation: Slipper Factory Owner, Cheese Extruder, Dentist to the Clowns

P.P.S.-Sorry to hear that your lady friend left you because of your teenie tiny winkie.
Date: Wed, 3 Jun 2009 03:06:22 -0700


Mr.Humphrey Hill
Dispatch Director.
Tel:+ 234-80514-71138

Attn: Richard Dragon,

I had a phone conversation with Mrs Linda Kershaw and she asked us to contact you with via this email which she gave to us. I have been awaiting for you to contact me for the delivery of your check of $800,000.00. I will advise you cross the number again as it is below this mail.

There is this Mrs Linda Kershw .who came to our company last week to place your check on out going delivery, she already paid for the insurance fee and the delivery charges. But she did not pay for the security keeping fee due to the fact that we did not know when you will be contacting us via mail to inform us that we have your check, so we advised her not to pay for the security keeping fee of the courier company so far but we informed her to contact you on time so you will not have to pay more than $250 USD on demurrage and we do not operate COD on a charge like this.

All you need to do right now to get your check delivered to your door step is to go ahead and pay the security keeping fee of the courier company so far.The fee is $250.00 USD only, you are to come up with this fee as to process the delivery of your package.

Payment should be made via western union money transfer or money gram only for security purpose, payment details are listed below.

First Name: KELLY
second name: OBAS
ADDRESS RECEIVER / Country: 10 Street Apap OJO, Lagos, Nigeria.
RECEIVER Country: Nigeria.
Test question: BEST Colour
Answer: blue
The amount sent:

The following details should send after payment to this email address.

Sender's Name:
Sender's Country:
Sender's Address:
MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number):
Text Question:
Text Answer:
Amount Sent:

Note that you are also required to send to us your full/correct Residential Address,Country,Names,Phone number,Age,Occupation.Please be warned.You will be needed to sign on the parcel that will be delivered to you with a legal means of identification.i.e a drivers licence or a national identity card.You are to take note to avoid any form of embarrassement from our dispatch officer who will be coming to your country.

Get back to me with your payment details, I will have to send Mrs Linda Kershaw a mail that you have contacted me regarding the check she left for you. Note that your tracking number would be provided to you as soon as the payment has been made and confirmed by us.

Have a wonderful time. Please call me anytime you need any assistance.

Mr. Humphrey Hill
Dispatch Director.
Tel: +2348051471138
My response, sent 6/3/2009

Dear Mr. Humphery,

Thank you for more information regarding our business transactions. You used a different font for my name (Verdana 10 point) versus the rest of the note, which was sent in Comic Sans 12 point. I’m getting a bad vibe—like you’re belittling me. Why is my name smaller in the note than yours? Why the odd mid-sentence punctuations—they serve as speed bumps—whenever I get going. I see these as power plays on your part. Well played, my grammatically deficient Nigerian friend.

We’re in a bit of a pickle here. I had Pendleton (our butler) draft a check, which I signed, and he fed-exed to your attention. I forgot—because I’m only 18 (some call me barely legal), I need my father to co-sign that check.

Luckily, he has a meeting with the board of directors of a company with whom he is pitching our automated melon baller (The Ball-o-Matic 3000). The meeting is right down the street from you. The plan is for Daddy to land at 10AM local time and meet with the board at 11:00. This allows a 10 minute window for Daddy to sign the check.

Please be ready tomorrow between 10:40 and 10:50 AM tomorrow. The check is scheduled to arrive to you at 10:35. As you can see, Hubert, things need to happen exactly on time. There is no wiggle room! Again, the check is written in the amount of $5000. This $800.000.00 check is very important—the Circ de Soleil folks are doing our intro, and charging $500.000.00 to light themselves on fire and prance around for 10 minutes. We both went into the wrong business—am I right Hubert?

I see that Mr. Linda became a Mrs. I hope that went well for her—hoping the tiny winkie wasn’t a factor in all of this. When you send her a mail, please give her my regards.

Lastly, I would like to extend an olive branch of hope—an invitation to both you and Mrs. Linda, to come to our lavish slippery factory opening, this Sunday at 1:00 PM. It is formal, so wear one of your tuxes. With Mrs. Linda’s recent surgeries, I am hoping she has begun the process of dress shopping because she’ll need one. Preferably black.


Richard Dragon

P.S.--By the way, who the hell is Kelly, and why are you telling me her best color is blue? Olive tends to set of my eyes, but really—this is business. How is this pertinent? Please be professional hereafter during our business transactions!

P.P.S.—Please tell me again how I won the big raffle when I never sent an email to win? I guess it doesn’t matter does it

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