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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Post # 159 - Subway and the $5 Footlong Scamola - 3/19/2010

Dear Subway,

I was a lifelong Subway Club member. Then one day, something happened. You hired that Jared to be the face of your organization. Frankly, he irritates me with his big pair of pants. Why don’t you cut him loose and make him get a normal job.

Next, and much worse, you defrocked me of my Sub Club Membership. As I read later, there may have been some shenanigans with employees selling rolls of Sub Club stamps on Ebay. You allow untrustworthy Sandwich Artists through the Subway University, and the loyal customers pay the price. I was unhappy, but I stayed loyal—even if that loyalty was unrequited.

Now, I’m inundated by these Five Dollar Footlong commercials. The song bores into my brain and stays there for days at a time. Nice job. The big word in the commercials is “ANY”. Your singers repeat it thrice per stanza. Depending on the commercial, it may appear as many as fifteen times in large font. You lead the unobservant customer to think that ANY 12” sub at Subway is $5. Then at the end of the commercial, there’s a small disclaimer: Excludes Premium Subs. If the “ANY” is 26 point font, the disclaimer is 8 point. Pretty sneaky, Sis.

I visit Subway, on average, four times a week. At least twice a week, I see some sucker ordering the Cheese Steak, thinking he or she has a deal. Then the cashier, in his headgear, lowers the boom. “Uh, no shir, that’sh a premium shub”. $7.49 plus tax.

I’ve heard crafty Sandwich Artists argue that the Premium Subs are in fact "sandwiches."  Isn’t a sub a (no pun intended) subset of the much larger Sandwich Genus? I guess the next question is, when does a sandwich become a sub? I believe this occurs when meat or cheese penetrates bread. At this very moment, your sandwich has become a sub, and should therefore cost a valued customer $5, regardless of what additional cargo he or she requests.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t really care. I’d just “take it”. Well guess what. I’m done. Unless you provide a written explanation, I’m shaking my booty across the strip mall to the Blimpie’s.

Jared Fogel sits on a throne of lies!

They never responded.
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