Post # 103 - Tom Wilson and My Piston Game Bunny Hop - 1/30/1997

I wrote this letter after a visit to the Palace of Auburn Hills, for a Detroit Piston Game.  Anyone who has spent any amount of time at the Palace, knows that they play around with the restrooms, often changing a men's room into a ladie's room to keep the lines down. 

So three consecutive female restrooms is common there.  If, as my story explains, the men's room was under construction, then it is indeed plausible that the next three restrooms would be female. 

Also, when we went to the April 16, 1997 Piston/Bucks game with the tickets that Tom sent, our seats were double-booked.  I wrote a follow-up letter about this, but there was no reply.
--------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Wilson,


On January 29, I had my first date with Rhonda, the girl of my dreams for fourteen years. I decided that dinner in the rustic settings of the Moose Preserve, and the Piston Game at the nearby Palace, would be the perfect date.

Dinner was delicious, and we never encountered any “awkward silence” that one finds on a bad first date. As I finished my Emu Burger and Buffalo Barley Soup, I began to feel a storm brewing somewhere in my intestines. Rhonda asked if something was wrong. “Nothing”, I said as I squirmed. “Have you ever seen the movie “Twister”?

As we arrived at the Palace, things were going great. Our Section 116 seats were prime. I love the view at the Palace, having seen such acts as The Who, Van Halen. And Neil Diamond (Okay—so I have a soft side. I wasn’t the only guy there!). Just before tip-off, I had to excuse myself and head to the restroom. Urgent!

As I waited in the restroom line, it took every fiber of my being to hold onto the raging beast within. Finally, with no other choice, I pushed through the line and found NO STALLS!!! I ran out, and frantically searched for a men’s room. There were three woman’s restrooms in a row! I realize that these were changed to compensate for the much slower urination process of the female, but at the same time, it didn’t matter.

In a state of panic, I ordered the largest available beverage, took a big gulp, dumped the rest, and fled for the parking lot, where I relieved myself between two vans. Unfortunately, the people in one of the vans saw me. They laughed and pointed because in their drunken haze, I was amusing like a fire-breathing clown with a wet, hacking cough. As I finished my act, a beer bottle hit me in the shoulder. I emptied the cup’s contents into the open van door and ran like hell. They gave chase, but I ran through the cars and hid beneath one.

As I headed in, the ticket person told me “no re-admission.” What about Rhonda? She was worried sick. I purchased another ticket and finally caught up to her. I had to explain. My testimony was interrupted by the “second gust”. With nowhere to go, I surrendered to the storm, at the expense of some 15,000 heartless fans.

You can’t understand how embarrassing this was—the van of laughing drunks, the fans screaming “Mr. Poopie Pants”, and the hurt in Rhonda’s eyes. Rhonda was very understanding. For most situations, your restroom arrangements might only be slightly less than adequate. In my case, it was a nightmare. No more Palace visits.

I am extremely disappointed with my most recent visit to the Palace—you used to know how to treat loyal customers. I would appreciate a written explanation as to why it had to be so humiliating for me.

Maliced at the Palace,

Jerry
-------------------------------------------------
Response from Tom Wilson, President of Palace Sports and Entertainment, dated 2/14/1997:

Dear Jerry,

Well, I can only hope that your letter was written in jest. If parts of it are true, I can only say that you wandered into one of our bathrooms that are being renovated. When you left there, you either passed a men’s room and didn’t notice it, or became a little confused.

We have equal restrooms for men and women. If you had enough time to stop and order a Coke, and made it all the waft there, you either passed a men’s room and didn’t notice it, or became a little confused.

We have equal restrooms for men and women. If you had enough time to stop and order a Coke, and made it all the way to the parking lot before emptying, you could have walked another twenty feet around and found a men’s room.

It would appear that your bigger problem was with the Moose Preserve and the Emu Burger!

Anyway, no one should have the problems that you did, and your light hearted letter was hard to beat, so I have enclosed two tickets for the Pistons Vs Bucks game on April 16, 1997. I hope you will try us again, but I don’t know if you should stop on Woodward before coming to the game.

Sincerely,

Tom Wilson

President

-----------------------

You May Also Enjoy:

Post# 111: War on Spam: Thomas Hondonshnockus, Crime Organization Consultant

Post# 117:Spectracide and Their Sprayer That Only Works When You Don't Want It To Work

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Post # 62- Kellogg Complete Bran Flakes and the Bound Up Boy - 6/30/1997

Another one from archive. This one was sent 6/30/1997 to Kellogg.

Dear Laxative Legion,

I love your Complete Bran Flakes. I eat them religiously, twice a day. My local grocer loves me. I saved his store from Chapter 11.

My story is one of a kid from a small, struggling town, with a dream—that of regularity. You see, for years I was bound up like a good mystery novel. Doctor visits for a “routine” cleaning were commonplace. Once, my high school gym teacher accidentally dropped my doctor’s note, only for Barry Ludwig to copy and distributes it to the lockers of every student. Nicknames like “Barium Brains”, “Mount Vesuvious”, and “No Flush” resulted.

Then, my Grandfather introduced me to Complete Bran Flakes. “Try these, Son.” He said “You won’t have to push so hard”. So I went down to Mad Jack’s Grocery Store and bought up every box. The next morning, I freed myself of two weeks worth of pressure. The local newspapers caught wind (no pun) of my recovery and put a picture of me with Mad Jack on the front page. The title read “Bounded Up Boy Battles Build-Up with Bran”. Jack offered me half ownership of his store (he was worth $1000 at the time). He was broke and needed my help.

The next morning, new customers suffering from the same affliction flocked Mad Jack’s store because he saved the “boy with the bowel bulge”. Porta-jons were delivered and placed on the side of the stores as hundreds participated in Mad Jack’s Medicine Show. These tourist dollars, combined with the revenue from our hats and T-shirts, helped Mad Jack get back on his feet. Before long, he had built a hotel/casino with an upscale restaurant! Outside investors watched as Jack’s businesses flourished, and the town as well--all because of a boy with a big problem. What can I say—I owe it all to Kellogg.

As a thank you, I decided that your product needs a catchy advertisement campaign. Something like “Kellogg’s Bran Flakes: You’ll Never have Time to Read that Newspaper”, or “With Friends Like Kellogg, Who Needs An Enema”, or my Grandfather’s kind advice: “Kellogg’s Bran Flakes: You Won’t Have to Push So Hard”. Feel free to use these, free of charge. I know, I’m not a Kellogg employee, but it’s the least I can do.

Also, feel free to dig into those deep Kellogg pockets and fire me off some coupons! We are like Bran Flakes and Milk. Without one, the other could never live in fulfillment. Take those words to heart.

Gotta Go—It’s Time for My “10:01”,

Larry
---------------------------------------------------
Reply from Consumer Specialist Dianne at Kellogg, 7/29/2009
Dear Mr. Barnowski,

It was thoughtful of you to take time to let us know how much you enjoy Kellogg’s Complete Bran Flakes. We’re always pleased to hear positive comments from our consumers, and are happy that this cereal has provided you with the fiber you need in your diet. Your letter was entertaining indeed!

We’re glad to have you as pat of our consumer family. All of the people at Kellogg devote a great deal of effort to developing wholesome, appealing products, and it is good to know that you think we have been successful.

Again, thank you for sharing your story, and we hope you will be able to put the enclosed coupons to good use.

Sincerely,

Dianne

Consumer Specialist

--------------------------

You May Also Enjoy:

Post # 99: My Grand Daughter and Her Drawerful of KY Jelly

Post # 163: Walmart Great Value Stuffing Is Great Value Because It Contains Paper

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Post #50 - From the Archive - President Clinton Versus Little Jerry Volume 2 - 2/28/1996

Dear President Clinton,

Abraham Lincoln walked ten miles out of his way to pay a customer two cents that he shorted. Washington gave socks and blankets to soldiers at Valley Forge to help them cope with the sub-zero temperatures and blustery winds. President Taft treated his entire hometown to a rousing flapjack breakfast on the Fourth of July. My third grader wrote you over a month ago requesting an autograph. No response.

I can remember reading that President Kennedy shook your hand. How did that contact with such a high profile figure affect you? Did it make you think about…entering politics? My son has the natural gumption to excel in politics. He has the creativity, the ability to make decisions, and the people skills to do it. That third grade mind could one day save our God-forsaken country. But since you’ve not replied, Jerry has taken to bed wetting.

Maybe Jerry offended you with his “Tax the Homeless” idea. Jerry’s father had a long talk with him about how we can’t treat the homeless as outcasts. They spent a Saturday at a shelter. I think he got the idea.

I know you’re a busy guy. I’m sure there are more difficult issues to handle, but my son looks up to you. It’ll only take five seconds. Please consider this as a favor to a boy with a heart of gold.

A Fan of the Electoral College,

Veronica Herman


From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post #40 - Sears Wet/Dry Vac and the 5 Foot Power Cord

I sent this on 6/15/1997:
---------------------------

Dear Sears,

I bought your Craftsman 8 gallon/3 horsepower Wet/Dry vacuum for use in finishing our Rhompus Room add-on. I was stunned—no, floored to find that your product has a five foot cord. It turned my whole world upside-down. If I have an eight gallon puddle, and a five foot cord, you are suggesting that I stand in the water while I plug it in.

As a mechanic and carpenter with a repair show on cable television, I have based my life on the Craftsman name. People tune in every Thursday evening, at 7:00 PM, and see your masterpieces in action. The Craftsman name always meant something—“We have an obligation to our customers, not to take shortcuts.”

A few years back, I tattooed the Craftsman logo on my leg—back when Craftsman meant quality. Now it seems that Craftsman means “Let’s treat our customers like we’re a starving family, and they’re our little sister—a commodity on the seedy side of town.” I have spent more money at Sears than Castro in a tobacco hut, but no more—I won’t get fooled again. So why did you sell out? Profitability? Betrayal? How many silver pieces does it take before one starts slicing little pieces of his soul with a dull cheese knife, and selling them to just about anyone?

I need a written explanation as to the reasoning behind the feeble power cord, and the corresponding betrayal toward a loyal customer. In paragraph two, I need an explanation as to how you plan to bring the loyal customer back to the Sears flock. Maybe I should have my Craftsman logo tattoo replaced with a big ol’ “Montgomery Ward.”

Sweeping Instead of Sucking,


Jerry
---------------------------------------------------
Note sent to me on 3/17/2009 by Patricia at Sears.

Dear Mr. Herman,

We received your letter regarding your disappointment regarding the cord length on the 8 gallon Vac. Your commentary made your feelings on this particular feature very clear to us. As we bring new innovation into the marketplace, we do take into consideration our customers’ input. At this time, I will not offer defense on having a five foot cord on the 8 gallon Vac, as our defense would be overshadowed by your well-stated arguments in favor of a longer cord.

Before you make your lifelong commitment to change your loyalty to one of our competitors, we would like to share with you what impartial consumer product testers think of the Craftsman Wet/Dry Vacs. In the enclosed article from Consumer Reports, the Craftsman Vacs were rated best in their category, both Large Tank and Small Tank Vacs. Relative to the length of the cord of the 9 small tank vacs tested, only one had a cord longer than the Craftsman unit. However, we do set our standards to be the best value to the customer and we try to consider all the features in establishing that value. As we develop new Vacs, based on your input we will prioritize length of cord as a consumer feature.

We would like to thank you for taking the time to share your wit and wisdom. To show our appreciation, we are sending you a Craftsman 16 gallon 6 hp Wet/Dry Vac with Detachable Blower. We hope you will enjoy the use of this fine Craftsman product.

We hope you have not already submitted yourself to the agony of removing your Craftsman logo tattoo. As you have the opportunity to use more Craftsman products. We are sure you will be even more proud to wear the name.

Very Truly Yours,

Patricia Mayer

Cc: Keith Gilomen, Emerson Electric
---------------------------------------------------
This letter was preceded a day or so by a delivery man with a large Craftsman box at my doorstep. I was shocked, and what a great word-of-mouth advertisement I have been for Craftsman over the years as a result.

When my basement was flooding in September, 1999, I had this vacuum positioned at the top of the stairs, and sucked much of the water up the stairs, out my side door.

------------------------------

You May Also Enjoy:

Post# 172: One Tum For Everyone
Post#177: McDonald's McBites

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Post # 37- K.C. Masterpiece Barbecue Sauce and the Crematorium

This was sent 6/15/1997:

Dear Sauce Bosses,

As one who works in a crematory, barbecues have always made me squeamish—as though I’m taking my work home with me. My work/home-life conflict parallels childless obstetricians, police officers with hellions, and accountants who, after April 15, can’t bring themselves to help little Sally Jo with long division.

A career in cremation is just so dismal, and the smell and sound of meat on a grill serves only as a poignant reminder. For years, I dodged family barbecues, faking flu by licking my palms. We always ate stew because that was far enough removed from my job. The strange part is that my job, burning dead guys, did not make me squeamish in the least bit…until the following events unfolded.

One day during lunch, I decided to buy some Lay’s Potato Chips and accidentally grabbed the wrong bag—K.C. Masterpiece Barbecue Flavored. At first, I was skeptical—would my weak stomach reject the chips like microwave popcorn to a Mennonite? Loyal to the Lay’s label, I decided to give them a try.

I loved them! In fact, they made me curious to try barbecuing meat—to refute the signs that my stomach had sent me in the form of jumping jacks each time I smelled mesquite.

To condense a Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon into a 30 second movie trailer, I now love barbecuing. Your sauce has turned me into a barbecue freak. I put K.C. Masterpiece on everything. But the problem is that while I enjoy barbecuing, my job at the crematory has become absolute torture. You see, cremation now nauseates me the way barbecuing once did. My yin and yang have shifted a full 180.

Because a) my family needs food and heat and b) cremation is my only trade skill, I am trapped in this scenario. Therefore, I have formulated what I feel to be the only approach to handle my problem (brace yourself):

In order to stomach the odors and sounds of a cremation, I have been putting a little of your sauce on the dead guys. It may sound disgusting, but believe it or not, it helps, and the association of something so dismal to something that I love makes my job more bearable. Please don’t think me strange—my job is not a glorious one, but someone has to do it.

Do you have any coupons to help out a man who uses three gallons of your sauce per week? It might help because I can’t ask my boss to foot the bill. You see, my little solution must be kept secret or people might think I’m “creepy”.

Anyway, I want to thank you for the wonderful sauces that you produce. My family thanks you for the sanity that your sauce has caused by making my job bearable.

Keeping Lunch Down While I’m Cooking ‘Em Up,


Larry Barnowski
-----------------------------------

KC Masterpiece letter after second note. They sent this on 3/18/1998

Dear Mr. Barnowski,

Thank you for taking the time to let us know how pleased you are with our K.C. Masterpiece Barbecue Sauce. Your letter to our CEO, Mr. G. Craig Sullivan, has been referred to me. We regret that you did not receive a reply to your letter of June 15, 1997; unfortunately, we do not have a record of the original letter being received.

Knowing that you like our product is important, and we value the generous comments you have shared with us. Because the marketing specialists working on the development of this product will enjoy hearing your opinion, I am forwarding your comments to them.

KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce was veloped by Mr. Rich Davis in the 1970’s, and was acquired by the Chlorox Company in September, 1986. Since that time, our staff has continued to develop new flavors and uses for K.C. Masterpiece. We appreciate hearing about your many uses and I have enclosed some literature, which will answer dome of the questions you have regarding grilling techniques and recipe ideas. I have also enclosed a few complimentary coupons to thank you for your continued loyalty.

We’re confident that our product will continue to serve you well in the future. Again, thank you for letting us know that our efforts have been successful.

Sincerely,

Heidi
Executive Officer Administrator

Enclosed: K.C. Masterpiece Brochure and coupons for three (3) 18 ounce bottles of K.C. Masterpiece

---------------------------------

Post #73: War On Spam: Zongo and His News of My Deceased Relative (Pt.1 of 4)

Post # 111 - War on Spam - Thomas Hondonschnockus and the Crime Organizer

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Post #28 - Little Jerry versus President Clinton Vol 1. - 1/21/1996

This is the first of many letters to President Clinton. I had heard that it is difficult to get the Presidential Autograph. I thought I'd give it a try. This is as close to acting as I come. I sort of “became” a rambling third grader.


Dear President Clinton,

My name is Jerry. I’m a third grader. I voted for you in my class role model election. When I grow up, I will be President just like you. Did any Japanese people thank you when we gave them money after that earthquake? My mom always said you should write a nice note when someone gives you something nice or fancy.

In Social Studies Class I am doing my report on fixing the defisit. Its big. Heres my idea. I think we should tax the homeless people. Whenever daddy drives through the big city, they ask him for his money. He wont do it because he says they probably make more than he does. Besides once he bought a rolex watch from this guy and it turned his skin green in the shower.

I did a math problem to figure out a way to be fair. If there are 7 million homeless, we could tax them by the size of there box. At one dollar per square foot, and the average box is 8 square feet, that is (7,000,000 people x 1 dollar x 8 square feet) = 56 million dollars a year. That’s a lot of money. What do you think? I need information from you for my report. What would be neat is a nice fancy autograph picture to show my class and also Joey when I see him. So please tell me what you think. Please send an autograph.

Your Fan,

Jerry

P.S. What do you think of dogs?

Mother’s Note: Jerry’s Step-Father and I question his idea. He wrote George Bush when he was in kindergarten, and got an autographed picture. Is there any way you could do this for him? Thank you.

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Post #23 - How I Got My Roll-Through-A-Stop-Sign Ticket Reduced

One very early Monday morning in 1995, I was pulled over for rolling through a stop sign in Detroit. The sign is on 8 Mile, heading east, as you come off I-75. It was about 5:30AM, and I had been at the Page/Plant concert the night before. I missed the sign. I received a $94 ticket. This ticket kicked off a 4 month spree where I received 4 tickets, got kicked out of AAA, and had to switch to PLPD.

On the back of a ticket, there are three boxes:
1) Deny Responsibility (go to court)
2) Admit responsibility (pay full amount)
3) Admit responsibility with explanation (try to get it reduced).

I chose Option #3. This was my explanation, sent October 20, 1995.
------------------------------------

To Whom It May Concern,

I received a citation, early on the morning of October 16, 1995, at I-75 and 8 Mile Road East. I rolled through the stop sign, where the two roads merge. I realize the severity of this type of infraction. Approximately 44 Percent of all automotive fatalities occur at intersections. I could have easily been another statistic.

However, I feel that I had a valid reason for coasting: Heading north oh I-75 in the left lane around Davison, I encountered a rusted out ’73 Primer Gray Trans Am parked on the right shoulder. I counted 3 or 4 men in that car. As I passed, the Trans Am rapidly accelerated and touched my rear bumper. The driver backed off and flashed his high-beams. These could have been gang members, out for an initiation death ritual, or escape convicts, out for gas money at any cost. I read the headlines every day! I know what goes on.

In panic, I switched to the center lane and accelerated. The Trans Am pursued, but soon slowed down. I exited at 8 Mile, hoping to “lose” the Trans Am, and the potential death threat therein. In my haste, I coasted through the stop sign, but only after looking both ways. The stop sign was not at an intersection—it was a merge. The sign was on the right, with traffic on the left. To be more effective, the sign really should be on the left side, because that is where the driver is looking. You could put those one-way blinders on so the 8-mile east traffic does not stop.

After going to college in Detroit for four years, I have several close friends who were victims to senseless crimes—car jacking, armed robbery, rape, and assault with a knife to the throat (which left a scar). All occurred because the victims were in the wrong place at the wrong time—on the streets after dark.

The shock of my incident rendered me silent. I was in the wrong place in the wrong time, and was lucky to ever again see the light of day. I feel no remorse for my actions, if they allowed me to see my family and continue to build the life toward which I have worked so hard. I was not given the opportunity to justify my actions. The officer, neither rude, nor polite, took my license, registration, and proof of insurance, and returned with my citation.

I am aware that traffic laws are enforced for my safety, and for that of the other drivers that I encounter. I also know that these laws are not flexible. I request some leniency in my case. I am not asking for absolution, but these points count toward my driving record, and there will never be an asterisk next to them stating the root cause. I would greatly appreciate any assistance available. Thank you for your consideration. Here’s to a new day!

Sincerely,

Jerry
---------------------------------
They reduced my ticket from $94 to $30. I found out later that I “earned” 2 points.

Here was my thank you note, sent 3/16/1996:
---------------------------------
To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing back in gratitude regarding my October 16 citation. I wrote a letter detailing my brush with death, and the circumstances early on the morning of October 16 that lead me to roll through the stop sign at 8 Mile/I-75 merge (see attached letter). You responded to my request for leniency by reducing my $94 ticket to $30, which I am happy to pay, as my disregard for traffic safety, while justified due to the sequence of events that occurred moments before, could have lead to a fatal accident. I have enclosed my check.

In the mean time, I have spent a few hours a week visiting a local elementary school and talking to the children about the importance of staying off the streets after dark, and not talking to strangers. I feel that this lesson will pay off down the road. Some of the children have mailed me little posters and drawings reflecting the message I relayed. To me, this is rewarding—to know that the message is clicking. If I can save one child from being in the wrong place at the wrong time (as I was), I have made a difference. I have enclosed one of those drawings. My refrigerator door is full!

I truly appreciate the leniency that I have received. The streets may never again be safe, but it is nice to receive this type of understanding!

Have a great day!

Jerry

-----------------------

You May Also Enjoy:

Post# 70: War on Spam: World Bank

Post# 165: Summer's Eve: What is a Douche Bag?

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters

Follow me on Facebook

Post #22 - Blockbuster Video Free Video For Good Grades Scamola - 6/14/1997

Here's one from the archives. Better times, when free coupons flowed more freely.

Dear Blockbusters,

I can recall the struggles that one encounters in grade school and high school. The awkward age when you are too old to trick-or-treat, but too young to drive the gang around in dad’s car. Those pimples—more menacing than dandelions on a golf course. Voice changes, bed wetting, wet hacking coughs, raging hormones, and the struggle to make the grade in the classroom. Oh the plight of a child. But how many adults wouldn’t give anything for those carefree times.

As a foreman for a company that manufactures socks, I know all about 12 hour days. I also know about the big push in industry to get the working class back in school for graduate programs. If I don’t go back to school, I’ll be replaced by some jerk who just did. Combine this corporate pressure with the responsibilities of maintaining a house, a family, and all of the associated expenses. Those kids know nothing about pressure!

Last week, as I strolled into the local Blockbuster Video Center, I noticed a poster that read “Good Grades Earn Free Video Rentals”. I was excited—I had just earned an A- in my last graduate level course—no small accomplishment for someone in my position. My eyes lit up as I read that all I need is a report card to prove it. “I have that!” Then, my picnic ended as storm clouds enveloped the entire area and began emptying their overbearing cargo right in my five-bean medley. “…Limited to Grades 1 through 12.”

Why discriminate by age? Couldn’t we all use a little incentive, a little pick-me-up? Are adults “less important?” Do you restrict your offer because you know that the movie-renting population is older, and to include them would hurt business? Because you know that children are too young to have memberships anyway?

I need a written explanation as to why you can justify discriminating based on the number of candles on their cake. The very working class that puts bread on your table, by renting your movies, deserves better.

Having Puppet Shows Instead,


Larry Barnowski
---------------------------------------
Here is a reply, sent by Lisa, the Customer Service Representative at Blockbuster, on 6/30/1997

Dear Mr. Barnowski,

Thank you for your recent letter regarding Suggestions. Customer feedback is very important to us, and we are glad you took the time to write. At BLOCKBUSTER, we realize that nothing is more important than our members. We are dedicated to creating and maintaining an outstanding level of customer service.

We take your suggestions as a welcome show of interest and loyalty. Thank you for letting us know how we can better meet your entertainment needs. I am forwarding your comments to the appropriate department for their consideration.

Please accept these three free rental coupons as a token of our appreciation for the time and effort you took to give us these thoughts. Your patronage is very important to us, and we hope that you will continue to allow BLOCKBUSTER the opportunity to serve your family’s entertainment needs.

Sincerely,

Lisa
Customer Service Representative

--------------------------------------

You May Also Enjoy:

Post# 133 - My Letter to Dart to Fix Their Spill-Prone Styrofoam Cup Design

Post#127 - Keebler - Where Little Girls' Dreams Go to Die

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Post #11 - The Dial Corporation - "Operation Brillo Sheep"

This was a note that I sent to Brillo, which, as I learned, is a division of Dial.  It was sent on 6/17/1997.

--------------------------
Dear Pad Daddies,

As a vegetarian, I hate to see the senseless slaughter of any animal, large or small. As a geneticist, I have chosen animal husbandry as my branch of focus. My latest project involves the common sheep, an unfortunate species that has taken the backseat to the cow (milk, beef, and fertilizer), the pig (ham, bacon, baby back ribs, pork rinds, and pigs feet), and the chicken (nuggets, patties, KFC). It seams that the only time lamb meat is consumed is around Passover, and dammit, that’s too often.

With all of these space age fibers replacing wool, the only other practical use for a sheep is their flesh. One night, eleven months ago, I had an idea—to genetically splice a sheep DNA strand with a fiber of steel wool, and to place the baby sheep (kid) on an iron rich diet. The result is a sheep that can actually GROW Brillo Pad material! The pads still need to be formed, but I’ve produced two males and three females so far, and I plan to breed them. I’m feeding them their normal allotment of hay, mixed with iron ore dust and water (to prevent sneezes).

The technology is undeniable, and at night, all we do is turn on an electromagnet and “attract” them back to home base. The once-painted barn wall, along which they walk, is now bare from their Brillo fur. The hang-up is finding a humane way by which the steel wool can be removed and rolled into pads. You might be of some assistance for this part.

Are you interested in pursuing “Operation Brillo Sheep”? I see economical benefits ($$$$) for a company that no longer needs to process steel into fibrous strands, and then blend it with wool.

Cloning Sheep to Earn My Keep,

Larry

P.S. I am trusting your confidentiality on this project until it becomes a reality!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note from “Maria”, Consumer Information Representative at The Dial Corporation, dated 6/27/1997.

Dear Larry,

Thank you for taking the time to contact The Dial Corporation with a suggestion for one of our products. We all enjoyed reading your letter.

Because of the possibility of confusion about the origin of an idea, as well as to enhance confidentiality and other issues, The Dial Corporation has a company policy against considering ideas submitted by any outside source. We realize our consumers often have good ideas, but experience has taught us this policy is necessary to avoid possible misunderstanding.

In appreciation of your understanding, I have enclosed a coupon for you to use on your next shopping trip. Again, thank you for sharing your comments with us.

Maria

Enclosures

-----------------------------

You May Also Like:

Post#117: Spectracide and Their Sprayer That Only Works When You Don't Want It To Work

Post# 143: Land O' Lakes Half and Half Egg Beater Mix-Up

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Post #9 - Frito Lay "Get Your Own Bag" Slogan

I sent this to Frito Lay on 8/13/1997:
---------------------------

Dear Potato Pushers,

How are you doing? As a loving father of three (and this town’s finest dry cleaner repairman), I have a problem with your slogans. “GET YOUR OWN BAG,” and “GET A LIFE”. My little Kenny has a black eye because at lunch time, he told a class bully to “Get his own bag” when Kenny asked for a chip. When Randy questioned him, Kenny said “Get a life”. When Kenny came to, the school nurse was applying one of those frozen blue jelly-filled ice pack things to his wounds.

We’ve always taught our son two key lesson—“treat other people as you want to be treated”, and also, “share”. Can you see the problem? You are contributing to the delinquency of our youth. Who has more credibility to a second grader? A naggy parent, or a bag filled with his favorite food? Sometimes I, too would rather read the side of a chip bag than listen to my wife as she fills out my honey-do list.

I hope you take something away from this letter—a cross section of America, land of the free and home of the brave. If you’ve corrupted our son, who knows how many others? Is our son going to grow up to be a serial killer? I hope not—we’ll ground him to his room!

Please provide a response to my issue. If you don’t plan on changing your slogans, at least explain your reasons, so I don’t feel like God put me on this earth solely to eat your chips, provide plants with carbon dioxide, and complete these damned honey-do lists!

He’s A Chip off the Old Block,


Larry
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Letter from “Sharon”, from Frito Lay Consumer Affairs, 1/22/1998.

Dear Larry,

Thank you for sharing your comments with us about the slogans that appear on our bags of Ruffles and Lay’s brand potato chips. I apologize for the delay in responding to your letter, but it was forwarded to me only recently.

We are always interested in learning what customers think of Frito Lay products and how we do business, and we welcome your comments. I am sorry that you and your family are disturbed over our advertising slogans—“Get your own bag” and “Get a life.” As in all our advertising efforts, these slogans are meant to be no more than simple advertising slogans which present our products in a memorable way Many are light-hearted and tongue-in-cheek—such as your letter (I loved it!). They are not intended to have any larger significance or make a values statement, only to present our products in fun and entertaining ways and, along the way, interest people in our snack foods.

We truly appreciate your letter and will keep your comments in mind when discussing future advertising. We hope you will enjoy the enclosed with our compliments.

Sincerely,


Sharon
Frito Lay Consumer Affairs

Enclosure: 4 Free Product Coupons
----------------------

You May Also Enjoy:

Post# 97: Michigan Brand Cottage Cheese Made in Ohio?

Post#2: Black and Decker: There's a Squirrel in My Leaf Vac

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Post #4 - Leaky Jokari Fizz-Keeper

This is one from the archive. Two notes:

1) There was a time when my letter-writing alias was "Larry Barnowski."

2) This letter resulted in one of my favorite, well-thought-out responses. Once in a while, a company "gets it". They placed the blame on me in such a careful way, lavishing me with gifts both at the beginning and end of the letter. I still have, and use, the Fizz-Keepers.

My note, sent 12/1/1997:

Dear Keepers of the Fizz,

I recently purchased the Fizz Keeper Pump Cap with the pump action. In the past, I have experienced “Two-Liter Despair” as my beverage contentment suffered due to “second liter flatness”. With one hand emptying flat Coke down the drain, and the other had clenched in a fist raised toward the skies, I questioned the existence of God.

Then, one day, as I browsed the isles in search of a large baking pan, I saw your Fizz Keeper Pump Cap. By pumping air pressure into the two liter bottle, the carbonation would remain intact. As one who bakes cakes for special occasions, a hot kitchen is cause for plenty of beverage sustenance. Your product reassured my Roman Catholic upbringing, and I no longer questioned the existence of a compassionate Deity.

A little problem occurred, however, with your brand new Fizz Keeper Pump Cap. I laid my Coca Cola bottle on its side, on the top shelf of my refrigerator—an ordinary occurrence in my crowded icebox. But this time, we had a problem, Houston! The next morning, as I retrieved my special batter from the bottom shelf, it seemed runny. I checked the rest of the refrigerator and found my lettuce crisper filled with Coke. My sandwich meet marinated in beverage. Oh heavens! Your seal is faulty.

I am enclosing the faulty Fizz Keeper Pump Cap. I expect the following:

1)A written explanation regarding how this could happen, as well as assurance that it won’t happen again.

2)Reimbursement or replacement of the Fizz Keeper Pump Cap.

3)Reimbursement for my postage.

4)Someone to come and clean the sticky mess out of my fridge.

I absorbed the abuse from my clients, the Rosenburgs, for their Coca Cola cake. However, this can go no further—I won’t be made a fool twice. I am sure you can understand my position. You’re just lucky I’m not NASA!

Minding My Bizz and Losing My Fizz,

Larry Barnowski
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
January 9, 1998 reply from “Gerald”, Product Development Manager at Jokari:

Dear Mr. Barnowski,

Congratulations, Mr. Barnowski! Your letter was selected the 1st Place Winner of “The 1997 Jokari Entertaining Customer Letter Contest”. For the 1st Prize, Jokari is sending you a compete set of all of our models of the Fizz-Keepers, including the popular Looney Tunes series. Now, about that unusual Coca-Cola cake served at the Rozenburg’s Barmitzvah…
We tested the seal on the Fizz-Keeper unit you returned. It was OK. So we speculate that the following unfortunate series of events might explain the problem you experienced:

1)The Fizz-Keeper was screwed onto a bottle, using X force.

2)The Fizz-Keeper was pumped Y times, creating Z pressure in the bottle that was further increased by the carbonation in the Coke itself.

3)The bottle was laid on its side in your refrigerator. Alas Z was too high for X, so the Coke was slowly pressure-pumped out of the bottle around the threads of the cap, dripping ever so slowly into the container holding the Barmitzvah cake batter.
Ultimately, it overflowed into your lettuce bin.

4)After some of the Coke leaked out of the bottle, the bottle pressure was reduced enough to be contained by the X force originally exerted on the bottle. Then the leaking stopped.

5)We can offer only wild speculation about what happened to the liquid Coke in the Barmitzvah batter. Was this some bizarre Bar mitzvah batter, having the quality of absorbing liquid? Was it by chance a bizarre brown Bar mitzvah batter, so the Coke was just not visible? Or did the batter first dehydrate and pull away from the pan, thus allowing the liquid coke to be hidden? We just have to accept the fact that we may never know the answer to this mystery.

So the central problem…we think…is that the X force was simply inadequate. An alternative explanation is that Y was excessive relative to X, but this is not likely because you would have heard the bottle leaking before you put it in the fridge. In any event, Z went off the chart, relative to X and Y. This is our fault. We did not adequately explain this potential problem on the instructions. There is probably no way we can make amends for your culinary embarrassment in this matter. However, we humbly offer additional tokens in the form of a Jokari Wine-Air-Vac and a Jokari 24 pocket shoe organizer. We respectfully ask you to convey our apologies to the Rosenburgs and their son.

Sincerely,

“Gerald”

Product Development Manager

----------------------------------

You May Also Enjoy:

Post# 148 - Chex Mix Has No Nutritional Value

Post#13 - War on Spam: Mr. Frank Volume 1

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters

Follow me on Facebook