Search This Site

Friday, November 23, 2012

Post# 286 - Speedway Tornado Breakfast Item - 7/15/12

Dear Speedway,

I take offense to one of your food items.  Your Tornado breakfast item.  I'm told it's eggs and cheese, formed into a hot dog shape, and cooked on those hot dog rollers.  Yum.

Tornados are deadly natural disasters that rip apart homes, tear apart families, and require federal aid and raise insurance premiums in the process.  Why would anyone name their breakfast food after this?

I just don't get it.

You May Also Enjoy:

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Post# 285 - Jennie-O and the Case of the Giblet Switcheroo

I sent this to Jennie -O on 11/28/11.

Dear Jennie-O,

Back in the late 1960's, in my hometown of Topeka, Kansas, there were a rash of hate crimes against turkeys.  In an impulsive move to remain competitive, our local university offered a Turkey Coroner degree.

After two years, local police determined that these killings were performed by neighboring chicken farmers who were trying to eliminate the competition.  The program was soon cancelled, with only one graduate, me.

Aside from a few isolated cases, I've remained unemployed as a Turkey Coroner for the better part of four decades.  I work in a Hallmark Gift Shop.  Nonetheless, my instincts are pure, and I jump into action at the slightest sign of foul play.

My senses were triggered yesterday (Thanksgiving) when I noticed something very peculiar.  First, it was obvious that the cause of death on our turkey was blunt trauma force.  The oddity was, the giblets in our 18 pound bird could not possibly be the original giblets.  These giblets are obviously from a 15-17 pound bird.

Something isn't adding up here.  Why would the giblets be that drastically different in size ratio?  I suspect foul play.  I spent the entire Thanksgiving Dinner trying to determine what would cause this.  Then, I pictured a heaping pile of bird carcasses and a heaping pile of giblets. and a man in coveralls placing the giblets into the carcasses as they pass by on a conveyor.

I wasn't able to finish.  I was sick to my stomach.   Tell me I'm off base.  Tell me that each Turkey comes with its original giblets!


From: <>
Subject: Jennie-O Turkey Store Sales, LLC Ref #:2128504
Date: Tuesday, November 29, 2011, 10:24 AM


Thank you for contacting us. We appreciate hearing from you.
YES, the giblets inside your Prime Young Turkey are from another turkey. 


Consumer Response Specialist

Ref # 2128504
Dear Angelita,

Thank you for responding.  First, I'm a little disappointed that the giblets that I receive are not those of the original turkey.  Please allow me to explain.

My grandfather was a hard worker.  He worked for 50 years with his hands, to provide for his family.  When his time came, the mortician asked if we would like to "mask" the scars on his hands.  My uncle spoke up abruptly and said "no."  When I asked him why he was against this, he stated that, "those scars are part of what made Grandpa Grandpa."

Are you allowed to elaborate on why the giblets are different?  Could you barcode them along with the carcass?

That giblet is part of what made that turkey that turkey.  Swapping the giblets with those of another turkey dilutes the experience.  "I say, one turkey, one set of giblets!"



PS - Last Thanksgiving, it tasted like the giblets came from the same turkey.  Is this possible, say in a one in a 1000 case?

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Post# 284 - Ocean Spray and the Upside Down Cans - 12/11/11

Dear Ocean Spray,

What gives?  Last year, for Thanksgiving, we purchased your canned berry blend.  I found it odd that the label was upside down, and a tiny 6 point arial font message read "open other end."  I figured, they're too focused on making what's on the inside of the can to notice they messed up the outside."  I ignored it and enjoyed my berries.

This year, I go to open the can, and I see the same message.  Open at other end.  What gives? 

If you lack the attention to detail to get the label "right," what possible assurance do I have that you're focused on what's inside?

Your commercials always depict two modern day Bartyls and James in a marsh, wearing waders?  What guarantee do I have that I'm not going to find a cigarette butt or a bobby pin in the can?

I can bet it wasn't like this at the first Thanksgiving!

A Little Concerned,

December 12, 2011

Hello Jerry,

Thanks for contacting us over here at Ocean Spray, where we pride ourselves for more than 80 years of taking great care in harvesting and manufacturing our products.  It’s nice to hear from people who are as into cranberries as much as we are.

We were concerned to hear that you had difficulty reading the label, believing it is on upside down.  Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused. Ocean Spray intentionally put the label on so the rounded end of the can is on the top.  The reason for this is to assist in getting the sauce out in the shape of a log.  By storing it with the label correctly displayed a small air pocket will form at the top of the can which makes the sauce come out more easily upon inverting and opening.  Consumer input is important to us and we have forwarded your comments to our Marketing Department.

Thanks for choosing Ocean Spray.  Be sure to visit us again sometime at

Tastes Good.  Good For You.
And Your Friends at Ocean Spray
# 8,295,083
Subject: Re: Reply from Ocean Spray # 8,295,083
Date: Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dear Ebony,

I really appreciate your note, your efforts to clear this whole mess up. Now, I understand that the purpose of the upside down label is to encourage upside down storage, which is actually right side up. In addition, I appreciate the folksy flavor of your note.

Here's the problem. I'm not a label reader. I see your two tone label and grab. As I grab cans from my grocery bag, I feel the rounded bottom and store them with that end facing down. I assume the
stockboy at the store does as well because that's how they were stored - label upside down. Wouldn't this negate the air pocket?

Why are folks so hung up on the log shape anyway? My strategy, no offense, is to hide the log shape and claim that "I made this all by myself" try o which my judgmental Uncle Willie said, "He sure did, Marge. Look it isn't shaped like the can." Uncle Willie pauses Murder She Wrote episodes at the 45 minute mark and tries to solve the mystery before Angela Lansbury gets a shot.

Either way, my sauce came look out log shape even stored incorrectly. Just thought you should know.




Thursday, November 1, 2012

Post# 283 - Nerds: Why did I find a Grape Nerd in My Strawberry Nerds

I sent this on 12/11/2011:

Dear Wonka,

I've got a bone to pick with you.  My kids received several boxes of your "Nerds" candy while Trick or Treating on Halloween.  They resemble fish tank gravel, and come in tiny boxes. 

In one box, during one of our random "candy audits," my wife noticed a peculiarity--one that has thrown your entire candy operation into question.

In a box of Strawberry Nerds, we found a Grape Nerd.  Why was it there?  Do the nerds fill the box, or is the box somehow formed around the Nerds? 

I thought the point of the box was to  keep one color of nerds isolated and protected from bad stuff on the outside.  I picture an enormous conveyor belt with a rainbow of Nerds approaching a fellow in a haz-mat suit and moon boots who, with tweezers, separates the Nerds into the correct boxes.

How did a Grape Nerd find its way into my Strawberry Nerds?  Computer glitch?  Operator error?  Practical joke?  I have the nerd isolated in a pill bottle, and can share it if necessary.  Is there is cause for concern? Will this trigger a recall?

I just wanted you to know about my problem, and why I'm flipping out over here.


Subject: Re: Response from Willy
Case ID: 19620416Date: Tuesday, December 13, 2011, 11:13 AM
Dear Becky,

Thank you for your response.  Thank you for the coupons. I wish I could provide tracking info. This was Halloween candy that my wife stole from my kids while they were sleeping, and she threw away the box to avoid any blame.

In your note, you reference "high speed automated production lines."  What does this even mean
Robots?  I think this incident is a clear indication that technology has gone too far.  Slow down!
A robot doesn't care because a robot can't care.  A robot has no heart.  Know who has heart? My grandma.  My grandma could do a better job filling and sorting guy our confections because she cares.  She has a heart.  Plus, a robot doesn't bring in homemade oatmeal  butterscotch cookies on Fridays like my grandma  would.  Plus,  she has every
fella in her nursing home chasing her around on Pinochle Night. Find me a robot that has that!
Let this incident serve as a line in the sand.  Ditch the robots.  Replace them with air breathing red blooded Americans

You might also enjoy:

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook