Search This Site

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Post # 53 - Barry the Dog Training Psycho - 9/21/2009

From: Barry
Subject: Deep-Discounts on Top Dog Trading Courses.
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:46:30 -0400

You are receiving this message, because you have subscribed to the topdognewstrial
newsletter on Wednesday, September 16th, 2009. To ensure that you continue to receive emails from us, add us to your address book promptly.

Hi Jerry,

Forget the sale price I offered you yesterday as a subscriber
to the 5-Day Mini-Course.

Today I'm offering you HUGE SAVINGS on my trading courses
since you are now a graduate of my free Mini-Course.

How would you like 50% off?

To read all about it, go now to our website.

And remember: These Courses come with a 90-Day 100% no-questions-
asked money-back guarantee.

To read what other students are saying about my courses, go to:
our website, but here's some samples:


"Best I have ever taken and taken many courses. ... I have
made money almost every day doing this following your
- David C.

"Yesterday, using only your foundations course method, I
had the best day I have ever had in over 10 yrs of trading.
Was able to hold runners on 3 different trades for 15-20
ticks each. Sure looking forward to your upcoming courses."
- Dr. Dave B.

"Thanks very much for all you have done for me, and providing
me with the education to be consistently successful."
- Peter W.

"Boy, this stuff really works! I'm really grateful that
you're willing to teach us. I hope that you will continue
long enough so that those of us who are new to your approach
can reach 'advanced trader' status."
- Peter H.

"I've been wanting to give you an update on my trading.
Trading is going quite well for me. I am making money and
am very happy with my success. I can trade both intraday
and swing trade ... The quality of your courses are always
better compared to previous courses I've taken. You are the
most honest teacher in the business. I really appreciate it."
- Aaron S.


So if you've been thinking about investing in my trading
courses. Don't wait any longer. THIS IS THE TIME TO GET THEM

Hurry and grab these discounts while you can by going to our website.


Barry Burns

P.S. The sale prices are not available on my regular
order page, and there is no link from my site to this special
sale page.

ONE MORE THING: If you bought my course yesterday, send me
an email and I'll adjust your payment so you get this discount
too. I want you to be happy!

You may unsubscribe or change your contact details at any time.
This was my response after seven of these came in seven days. Sent 9/21/2009


Cut it out.

You're psychotic. A freaking nut job. You have sent me seven (count them, seven) emails in seven days. You claim I subscribed to your little dog trading program. At no time in my life, have I been on a top dog trading website. At no time have I ever "checked a box" on a pamphlet. You're awfully quick to point out that I subscribed to this, on every single email in teeny weenie font: "You are receiving this message, because you have subscribed to the topdognewstrial newsletter on Wednesday, September 16th, 2009...."

Very suspicious, Barry. "No officer, haven't seen them." "Nope officer, haven't seen them." "Sorry officer, just me in here, all weekend." WHAMMO! Freezer full of Miller family parts.

Didn't you get a clue when I didn't jump all over the first three? Don't you think it might be nice to give people a day or two to read their email, rather than FLOOD their inbox?

Are you one of those people who, at a party, will come with a date who inevitably "passes you off on someone" only for you to bore them for an hour about your stamps or your trains? Don't you get the hint when our eyes collectively glaze over, and one by one, we find excuses to sneak away? "Got that colonoscopy. Saturday 10PM was the only time I could get in."

Look Barry, don't take this wrong. I'm a little overwhelmed with your whole doggy world. I think we should make a clean break here and now.


The emails ended (finally)


Friday, November 27, 2009

Post # 52 - Yoplait and Their Smelly Pink Lids - November 9, 2009

Dear Yoplait,

I think it’s great that you’re offering to donate $.10 per pink yogurt lid, if we clean them off and send them in. You’ve agreed to donate at least $500K, and up to $1.5 Million. Nice work--give one another a pat on the back.

Here’s my question—what role do the lids actually have in all of this, other than raise awareness of your very noble initiative? It can be a real inconvenience—if I’m at work having a lovely Yogurt breakfast, I have to save the lid, go to the washroom, wash it off, dry it off, put it in my pocket, and remember to pull it out before I throw my pantalones into the washer. Then, I have to take all of the lids, put them in an envelope, take them out of the envelope because you can’t address the envelope legibly with the lids in there, then add the stamp—oh but postage went up and I don’t have a 3 cent stamp, so now I’m using two stamps.

What do you do with the lids? Is this also a recycling initiative? I’d bet they’re smelly by the time you receive them. Some people’s “cleaning” process is just licking them.

Bottom line: You (Yoplait) know, based on inventories and orders, how many Yogurts are purchased. Why wouldn’t you make it easier on everyone and say “We’ll donate $0.10 per yogurt that you purchase, not to exceed $1.5 Million. Eat up, America!” Then, the act of enjoying the yogurt is the thing driving the initiative, and not the licking, saving, and mailing of smelly pink lids.


Date: Wed, 11 Nov 2009 12:09:53 -0600
Subject: Your Response From "General Mills" - 2009/11/11-1005 ZJC

Dear Jerry:
Thank you for contacting General Mills regarding . We appreciate the time you have taken to share your comments.  The information you provided will be shared with members of the promotion team.
Once the lids have been received and counted, they are sent to be recycled.
We hope you will continue to participate in our promotions.
Consumer Services

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Monday, November 23, 2009

Post #51 - Bass-ackwards Butterball McFreakBird 4-27-1998

April 27, 1998

Dear Turkey Traffickers,

I encountered an oddity when preparing my very first turkey for my new in-laws recently.

As I unwrapped the thawed turkey carcass, I noticed a peculiarity—the legs were pointing in the wrong direction (toward me). Is this some sort of genetic quirk—a turkey whose legs point up instead of down, and whose wings point down instead of up?

Then, I encountered difficulties while attempting to rip out the gizzards. I reached down the neck to rip out thee gizzards. First, the neck was really hard to get at—I had to use force. Next, the giblets took a little searching—rather than being located near the neck, they were closer to the rear end. Have the Butterball geneticists been experimenting?

When I placed the turkey in the roaster, I discretely flipped the carcass over so it looked “normal”. As I served the “elephant bird”, nobody knew the difference—everyone praised the tenderness, and flavor. But I couldn’t eat—I was battling feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and deceit. I had just served my wife and her family a “genetic freak” bird who spent its life standing on its head. That took a lot of giblets.

I would appreciate it if someone could “clone me an explanation” for this genetic quirk. Many feel that we are “playing God” by tampering with creation. Moral issues aside, my complaint relates more to the unexpected surprise of unwrapping a freak bird. Maybe it would be different if you labeled them and charged less. Let me know.

Also, is the use of the word “carcass” offensive in turkey preparation? My guests kept looking at me funny when I used that word. If you have a better word, please share it.

Something was Quirky About That Last Turkey,

Note from Kay at Butterball on 6-12-1998:

Dear Mr. Barnowski,

Thank you for writing us regarding your Butterball turkey. We always enjoy hearing from our consumers. Please accept our apology for the delay in responding to your concerns, your letter was routed to us for the best response.

Butterball turkeys are carefully grown, selected, and processed to ensure the best quality possible and we are glad to hear your family enjoyed the tenderness and flavor of your prepared turkey. Perhaps the conditions that you describe were due to processing not genetics. I am enclosing several pictures of our Butterball turkeys for your consideration. If this is not representative o the turkey you purchased, I would appreciate your call to further discuss this situation.

During processing, the turkey is cut with a “bar cut” which permits legs to be tucked to eliminate the need for sewing and trussing (lower left picture). The wing “tips” are left on to allow the wings to be folded under the turkey for attractive presentation as shown in the top picture. If you look very closely, you can observe the outline of the wing tip pressed against the turkey breast (I also hand-outlined the tip) as it would be positioned when packaged.

We pack the neck and giblets in separate cavities to make it as easy as possible for consumers to remove them. Our experience, through the years has been that the neck fits best in the body cavity and the giblets in the neck/crop cavity areas. The lower right photo shows the neck being pulled from the body cavity, the giblets having been removed from the neck cavity at the other end of the turkey. As you noted, these cavities are further from the areas where they are anatomically connected to the live bird.

To respond to your last question, we refer to the turkey as either “raw” turkey or an “oven-roasted” turkey depending on its stage during processing.

If you have any more questions, or we can be of further assistance, please don’t hesitate to contact us. You may reach us at 1 800 BUTTERBALL (1 800 288-8372) or write us at Butterball Turkey Company, 2001 Butterball Road, Downers Grove, IL 60515.

I have enclosed a couple recipe booklets for your future use. Thanks again for writing us.

Yours Truly,

Senior Manager
Regulatory and Consumer Affairs
You May Also Enjoy:

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Post #50 - From the Archive - President Clinton Versus Little Jerry Volume 2 - 2/28/1996

Dear President Clinton,

Abraham Lincoln walked ten miles out of his way to pay a customer two cents that he shorted. Washington gave socks and blankets to soldiers at Valley Forge to help them cope with the sub-zero temperatures and blustery winds. President Taft treated his entire hometown to a rousing flapjack breakfast on the Fourth of July. My third grader wrote you over a month ago requesting an autograph. No response.

I can remember reading that President Kennedy shook your hand. How did that contact with such a high profile figure affect you? Did it make you think about…entering politics? My son has the natural gumption to excel in politics. He has the creativity, the ability to make decisions, and the people skills to do it. That third grade mind could one day save our God-forsaken country. But since you’ve not replied, Jerry has taken to bed wetting.

Maybe Jerry offended you with his “Tax the Homeless” idea. Jerry’s father had a long talk with him about how we can’t treat the homeless as outcasts. They spent a Saturday at a shelter. I think he got the idea.

I know you’re a busy guy. I’m sure there are more difficult issues to handle, but my son looks up to you. It’ll only take five seconds. Please consider this as a favor to a boy with a heart of gold.

A Fan of the Electoral College,

Veronica Herman


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Post #49 - War On Spam: Rose, whose Dad I Killed With a Bow and Arrow - 7/27/2009

Date: Mon, 27 Jul 2009 10:46:30 -0700
From: Rose
Subject: Dear Respectful one,

Dear Respectful one,

I am totally convinced to write you in reference of the transfer of( 7.5 U S$ )to your account for onward investment (industries) in your country. Though we have not met before but I strongly believe that one has to confiding in someone to succeed sometimes in life.

There is this amount of Seven Million, five hundred thousand U.S dollars ($7.500, 000.00) which my late Father (Late Mr.T.Williams Mark) deposited for me in a and storage firm here in Abidjan before he was assassinated by some unknown hoodlums in on going political war here .

Because of recent political/civil war eructed here, I decided to invest this money in your country or anywhere safe enough outside Africa for security and political reasons.
I want you to help me to transfer this fund to your country for investment.

If you can be of assistance to me, I will be pleased to offer to you the 20% Of this total fund (indicated above).

Further details will be made known to you on confirmation of your interest to assist me .
Your urgent reply will be highly appreciated.

Thanking you and God bless.

RE: Dear Respectful one,
Sent:Mon 7/27/09 7:55 PMTo:

Dear Rose,

I'm sorry about your civil war eruction. And why shouldn't you trust me, I ask? Maybe I’m a stranger, but I’m a straight shooter!

I have some bad news, but before I reveal it, I need you to know that I am indeed interested. If, after my news, you are interested, please let me know. Consider this my confirmation.

Here is my bad news. I was handed a contract by the Masked Mad Man—a contract for $1.000.000 to take the life of one Mr. T. Williams Mark in Abidjan.

My roommates, Randy, Andy and Mandy were the other "hoodlums", and I used a bow and arrow, from 1400 kilometers away, in high wind. Mr. T. Williams Mark was sipping some Earl Grey tea at a small outdoor cafe with a business associate. They seemed to be celebrating about something—presumably the safe deposit of those funds into the storage firm.

Randy polished the arrow. Andy calculated the trajectory based on wind. Mandy gave me the most delightful Lemon Bar upon completion of the task. She used the cream cheese recipe, which adds calories, but also calcium, which is important as we get older.

Mr. T. Williams was singing the song, The Rose, by Bette Midler, when we spotted him. You should be proud--I am sure he was singing about you. As for Randy, Andy and Mandy, I've been calling them my hoodlums all day. We giggle a lot.

Rose, can you please find it in your heart to forgive me, so that we can move forward with our business arraignment? We need to move past this one, minor speed bump. As a sign of sincerity, if it’s all the same, I would accept 15% instead of the 20% that you suggested.

Please advise.


May O. Nayse

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Post #48 - Fifth Third: The Improper Bank 4/30/2009

Dear Fifth Third Bank,

For some time, I’ve been looking for a new financial institution to handle the Herman thousands.

The prior institutions that I dealt with, let’s just say, were “Nincompoops”. Nickel and dime charges for silly things like “inactivity.” I could avoid a penalty by, once every 6 months, deducting one penny. That is idiotic, and moronic, considering that the people paying me to let them watch my money are paying someone else even more to do the same thing.

I have to admit, I’ve been reluctant to begin a financial relationship with your bank. For me, it comes down to one thing: your name. Fifth third is an improper fraction. It is not proper. I vividly remember my 5th grade math teacher administering timed tests—“convert these improper fractions to mixed fractions.”

How can I trust a bank who takes shortcuts with something as important as their name? If you’re already skipping steps before I walk in the front door, how do I know you’re not going “phone it in” on my balance?

“Whoops, sir, looks like we rounded down on that one.”

“Well, it was Seis de Mayo. I was hung over, must have missed that zero.”

“Did I quote you 5 and 3/8ths, Mr. Herman? I really meant 5 and 3/4ths. That’s close enough.”

Can you understand my concern? Can you consider changing your name? Banks change their names all the time anyway.

How about “1 and 2/3rds”? Or, save some paint. Make it 1.7, with the repeat bar over the 7” Let me know what you plan on doing. I have all the application forms, but I’m going to wait until I hear from you.


Response Note from Ben N. at Fifth Third, sent 5/1/2009

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for choosing Fifth Third Bank. In response to your inquiry, we have forwarded your email to our Management Team for further review.

Fifth Third Bank traces its origins to the Bank of the Ohio Valley, which opened its doors in Cincinnati in 1858. In 1871 the Third National Bank purchased that bank. With the turn of the century came the union of the Fifth National Bank and the Third National Bank, and eventually the organization became known as "Fifth Third Bank."

This information and more is available on our website by selecting the "About Fifth Third" tab located in the green toolbar at the top of the page. On the bottom of the page, select the "Arrow" in the "Our History" box.

On behalf of the Bank, please accept my sincere apology for any inconvenience or concern this situation may have caused you.

Fifth Third Bank values your business and appreciates you as a customer. If you need further assistance, please email us 24 hours a day or call a Fifth Third Bank Customer Service Professional at 1-800-972-3030.

Member FDIC, Equal Housing Lender

Thank you,

Ben N.
Fifth Third Internet Banking
May 2, 2009
Dear Ben,

Thank you for your prompt response. I appreciate your sincere apology, and the history of your name.

However, you thanked me for choosing your bank. I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Maybe I wasn’t clear—I’m hesitant to join the 5/3rd Flock.

Who were the geniuses that decided to superglue the two names together to create a mathematically incorrect title? More importantly, are these the members of your management team, to whom you are forwarding my note?

Your name implies skipping a step. Skipping a step could mean leaving my safety deposit box unlocked. Skipping a step could mean forgetting to turn on your surveillance cameras on a day when four dudes wearing Golden Girls masks decide to hit your bank. Skipping a step could mean forgetting to give my kids a balloon, adding the quarterly interest to my balance, or refrigerating the mayo used in the egg salad sandwiches on “Egg Salad Sandwich Day”.

All that I am asking is for your management team to consider correcting your name. Make it into a marketing strategy. “One-And-Two-Thirds Bank: It takes a big bank to admit we were wrong, and we still work over 66 percent harder for our customers than the other guy.”

I’m still holding my application until I see progress.


Jerry Herman

May 26, 2009

Dear Fifth Third Ben,

You never responded to my previous inquiries regarding your bank and its name. While you provided a fascinating glimpse into the world of bank mergers and uninspired name changes, I had asked very specific questions. Mainly, as someone looking for a secure place to stash my money, how can I feel safe trusting a bank whose name is the equivalent of a mathematical slang? Fifth Third is an improper fraction, which needs to be converted to a mixed fraction--1 and 2/3rd's. Again, to recap, I stated that your bank's title implies that "it's okay to skip steps." Apparently one of those skipped steps was a response to my concerns.

Much has happened on my end, since my last note. In my job as a minor league umpire, I was unable to call strikes due to a strained muscle in my ribcage. Consequently, I was fired for "walking" everybody. This led me into a very deep depression. As I lined my pockets with raw meat and climbed the wall at the local zoo lion cage, a piece of paper flew past me. I wasn't fully on board with the lion-maul-thing anyway, so I chased the paper, which adhered itself to a boy’s shoe. He walked all around the zoo and stopped for ice cream, where it fell off. The piece of paper was a lottery ticket, which turned out to be a winner. I'm $6.5 million dollars wealthier than I was a week ago.

At this point, my plan is to cash my check at the party store that sold the winning ticket, and give that owner a large gratuity. I intend to write a check to the boy’s parents, to pay for his college. I will make a sizable donation to the zoo, and have the lion’s den named after me. I will then store the money in the safest institution that I know of--my mattress. I'm sure you're over there licking your chops, wondering how you can get me to deposit at 1 and 2/3's, and how you can assess some cool fees and penalties. Well forget all that--YOU showed ME little interest. To quote my high school Spanish teacher, “it takes two to tango, Babycakes”. Two can play that game!

I may reconsider my position, if you decide to change your mind and get off your duffs and answer my questions. Your “Management Team” has been kicking this one around long enough.


You May Also Enjoy:

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Post #47 - Armitron Reconfigures Their Buttons - 9/4/2009

This letter was written for a friend and 20-year Armitron customer who complained about the fact that Armitron moved the buttons around on their new watches. The Armitron website offers no email address or mailing address--only an 800 number. Further research revealed that the CEO has his own website, and his company (I think) owns Armitron. There was a link for email on that site...

Dear Mr. Gluck,

I’ve been buying Armitron watches since Teflon Ron was in office. I’m able to set my alarm without even looking. I’m in the armed forces, and manage a supply warehouse—incoming and outgoing deliveries. This business is all about being on time. Until recently, I could set my alarm without looking. My watch was an extension of me.

I once navigated my way out of a cave with the tiny light on my watch. The other cave people saw me “blinking” and helped me the rest of the way. The alarm has never failed me, keeping me punctual for appointments, meetings, shipments and delivery. Peers affectionately call me “Armitron Boy”.

What gives you the right? Some “suit” who doesn’t even wear watches, and drinks $8 lattes, decided to move my buttons around. Were people complaining about the optimal positioning of the buttons? Were people unable to set their alarms, or illuminate? Were people constantly late? Was the world a pitch black place?

I was late for a meeting because when I was settling my alarm, I was actually blinking my light. Furthermore, I was in a forward area, and my blinking Armitron was mis-interpreted as Morse code. Your watch triggered an air-raid. I was placed on potato detail for 30 days, and my weekend passes were revoked.

This stinks. Why don’t you do the following:

1) take that suit outside at lunchtime.
2) soak a Nerf Football in a nearby puddle.
3) throw it at him repeatedly, until he has to go home and change his shorts

Then…change the buttons back to the way they always were, when people were on time, and I wasn’t scrubbing all these potatoes. Can you send me a written explanation?



No Reply

From http//

Post #46 - Dr. Laura and Her Nudie Pics - 9/11/2009

Sorry if you love her. She irritates me. She gives out some good advice, but most of it is common sense. And she often cuts people off when they are atill explaining their situation.

Dear Doctor Laura,

You are my moral compass. Each and every day, I tune in to hear you “zap” your listeners. They’ll say something like “it hurts when I stick my hand in the garbage disposal. What should I do?” You’ll say “stop putting your hand in the garbage disposal.” Priceless. Genius.

I ran into a little predicament on Tuesday. I was on the interwebs Googling Dr. Laura because I wanted to contact you regarding a standoff between my Stepmom and my wife that stemmed from a grape jelly stain on my daughter’s First Communion dress. When I googled Dr. Laura, I accidentally clicked “images” and…Oh My Sweet Lord.”

My five-year-old walked by the computer at that moment and saw something that neither of us was expecting to see. He started screaming. He saw a full frontal nude photo of you. It looked to be from the 1970’s. That night, little Nathan woke up screaming.

Here’s my concern. On my son’s wedding night, is he going to have a terrible flashback and run screaming from his new wife and their hotel room? Is he going to have a subliminal fear of commitment or intimacy because he saw something that haunts his dreams?

Why are there naked pictures of you on the interwebs? How do you dole out life-changing advice when there are twelve-year-old kids at libraries staring at your hoo-hah on the internet?

Sometimes you should listen when someone has more to the story. Sometimes, they’ll start laying out the situation, and before they can get it all out, you dole out hasty, blunt, life-changing advice. Sometimes they’ll start saying “yeah but..” and you’ll cut them off and start spewing life-altering advice. What if that “yeah but…” that you cut off is “he’s a raging alcoholic” or “she’s terminally ill”. Would those types of things change your advice?

Maybe your screener gives you all the facts ahead, so you know the whole picture, ahead of time. If so, that’s fine. But let’s say I’m in the same boat as Paul from Albuquerque, and I blindly take your advice? Now you’ve screwed up my life by not telling me everything.

I guess I could have used a little warning. Please have all the photos taken down.


I sent a follow-up on 9/21/2009:

Dear Doctor Laura,

It’s been over a week. You never responded. Are you pretending my letter doesn’t exist?

Hey look—if you want to shoot nudie pictures and put them up there on the web for the kids, that’s your thing. But it really makes it hard for me to take your advice seriously.

I keep thinking “what would she tell some dude who was calling about his girlfriend who, in a previous relationship, had the photos taken, and they were up there in cyberspace. Would she stand a chance with you? Maybe. But maybe it depends on what you had for lunch that day.

For the Love of God, take the pictures down.




Monday, November 9, 2009

Post # 45 - Fruit Roll Up Wedgie Elves - 9/9/2009

Dear Fruit Roll-Ups,

I called my five-year-old son a liar last week. After his friend Tommy gave him a Fruit Roll-up, Nelson came home and told me that we were going to have intruders. He said that Santa’s little helpers might be coming by at night to tug his under shorts over his head. I called Nelson a liar, and washed his mouth out with soap. Who taught my boy about wedgies? That Tommy!

I called Tommy and had a discussion with his father, the law man. His father said they saw this on the television—that the children who eat the Fruit Roll-ups receive a wedgie from these elves. I normally have no use for the nonsense that they put on the boob tube, but this was actually useful. Sure enough—I saw the disclaimer on your commercials. Are these the Keebler elves? Are they irregular? Are they all drugged up? On the lam? Why are they so hostile?

It won’t be a problem. I bought a gun. The door is katie-barred shut. If they come in through the window cracks, they’ll pay! My son offered to sleep without any pants on, because you can’t give a wedgie to a pantsless boy. I told him not to worry himself.

How dare you? What gives you the right to keep selling these things when we know their haunted by angry, constipated elves who are upset and unleashing their vengeance on all of the little children? I would appreciate an explanation.


Jerry Herman

PS—Do you make the edible underpants? What’s the deal there? Are the elves confusing my son’s snack with the sinners’ wardrobes?

No Reply


Saturday, November 7, 2009

Post# 44 - Kraft Part II: Tainted Brownies?

I addressed this letter to "Amanda", who had left me a voicemail about my Jello product issue.
June 11, 2009

Dear Amanda,

I received your voicemail this afternoon, while on my way back to the local Starbucks. It seems that most of our society thinks that it is okay to take drugs. I preached to a bunch of them about the sinfulness of using caffeine to get high. One of the gentlemen, a frumpy, side burned, heavy set fellow draped in flannel and corduroy trousers and sideburns, beat the living snot out of me. He threw my cell phone across the parking lot. The pieces won’t go back together. The best way to contact me now is via email.

Unfortunately, I have a second “incident” to report. This time is not Jell-O, although I am still concerned about that particular product issue. In this instance, I believe the culprit is your Baker’s chocolate.

I came home today from Starbucks, in low spirits. My 18-year-old daughter Mabel was home from college again, with her sinner friends. They were all taking a nice nap on my living room floor. I went in the kitchen and saw a half a tray of brownies. I ate one. It was heaven. I ate a second one. Then suddenly the house started spinning and jumping. Spinning and jumping. I finished the tray. A dragon came out of the wall and sang “I Love Rock and Roll” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Then I woke up with my head in the salad crisper, and a mouthful of romaine lettuce. I was famished. Mabel and I ate everything in the fridge, including the baking soda. Then Marge came home and asked Mabel if there were any special ingredients in those brownies. Her response: “Kraft Baker’s One Unsweetened Chocolate.”

Could your chocolate have been tainted? I found the package—it wasn’t expired. I’ve read where cocoa comes from a plant that also makes drugs. Could the wrong part of the plant have been used?

Please advise.


They left me another voicemail on June 12, 2009.
You Might Also Enjoy:
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Post # 43 - Letter to NHL Commissioner Bettman about Versus - 9/2/2009

Dear Mr. Bettman,

I no longer have Versus on my DirecTV, which means I can’t love Sidney Crosby from afar. There are millions of us who can’t watch Sid!

DirecTV is saying that Comcast, who owns Versus, has raised the price through the roof.

Gary, you seem like a reasonable man. What can you do? I need my Sid fix!


PS—Do you have any good recipes? Here’s one:

1 sm. box instant pudding (chocolate, vanilla, etc.)
1 c. cold milk (up to 2 1/2 c. to thin & stretch)
1 whisk per child (or spoon)
1 bowl (or mixing pitcher type bowl with spout)
1 set of ice pop molds with stick

Sid pours instant pudding into bowl. Pierre pours measured milk into bowl. Sid stirs while counting to 10. Pierre takes turn stirring while counting to 10. This goes on until mix is thoroughly mixed and everyone has had an equal number of turns. Sid’s mom may help pour into ice pop molds or invite each to pour or spoon into molds. Freeze until firm. Variation: Use 1 package vanilla pudding and 1 package chocolate pudding; mix in separate bowls. Mix flavors when pouring into molds. Freeze. You will need additional molds for 2 packages. Any extra pudding can be refrigerated instead of frozen and eaten by the adults who won't have a chance at the pudding pops.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Post #42 - Response to Alec Baldwin's "Let the Big 3 Die" Post - 5/20/09

Dear Mr. Baldwin,

This note is in response to your May 17, 2009 blog comments in the Huffington Post proclaiming "Pull the plug on the Big 3." As a Chrysler employee, I was saddened by your news that we're "dead". You would never guess that to be the case in my office. Each day, my coworkers remind me of the resilience of our forefathers. I've never been more proud of a group of people than those of us (suppliers included) who have pulled together, and are fighting to restore Chrysler. But I suppose the view is different in the land of 8 figure incomes, personal trainers, and private jets.

"Look--the man from Along Came Polly who didn't wash his hands in the restroom says the Big Three sucks! Let's price out Hondas instead." For whatever reason, an actor's comments carry a great deal of influence in the minds of some. "Did you hear what the guy who played the pedophile scout leader in the SNL sketch said about the Big 3? Think I'll look at the new Toyota Tundra." What spews from your big pie hole affects the livelihood of my family, friends, coworkers, surrounding neighborhoods, local and nationwide economy. With no Big 3, and no manufacturing infrastructure, we more or less lose our middle class. Be careful--these are the people whose hard-earned dollars fill the box office tills for your films, and purchase the products from the sponsors of your little half hour fun time. Shut your big, overpaid yapper.

First, you present yourself as some sort of industry expert because you were once a GM spokesperson in some silly Tahoe commercials back in the early 1990's. At the same time, you make it clear that Big 3 products are inferior, and have been for 30 years. You took a big paycheck to tell people to buy a product that you evidently, did not truly believe in. THAT, plus a few acting lessons, makes you some sort of automotive expert--someone whose opinions regarding products, and industries, and environment, carry a lot of weight. Do you have opinions about diet and exercise? Maybe you have a killer maple bourbon tilapia recipe that you'd like to share? What other products have you blindly endorsed (Hulu?), and who's more credible--Mr. Baldwin or a tabloid article about Mr. Baldwin? Shut your big, overpaid yapper.

Next, you state that you feel bad for the men and women of Detroit. Then you state that it would be best to let the Big 3 run into the ground, based on the management decisions of the past 30 years--the same Big 3 who stepped up during wartime to protect our freedom. The same Big 3 who wrote you a big Tahoe endorsement check to help resuscitate your career after The Marrying Man. On behalf of everyone here at Chrysler and its suppliers, carrying three and four jobs, trying to make it through the economic downturn, because the average guy can’t get a loan to buy a Chrysler (by the way, we’re not dead--we're still fighting), thanks for the dagger. Thanks for kicking us while we're down. Any other nuggets of wisdom from the opinionated puppet? Shut your big, overpaid yapper.

Sadly, what you say influences the buying decisions of some people. While I appreciate your deep-seated concern, you’re not really helping the situation. Not everybody wants, or can afford a car that needs a new $3000 battery every few years--one whose battery production melts a decent-sized hole in the o-zone, and requires mining of lithium from rainforests. But your carbon footprint looks nice as you drive your little hybrid to your private jet hanger, so you can fly to and from New York to tape your little laugh-tracky sitcom. Shut your big, overpaid yapper.

Mr. Baldwin, Alec, with all due respect, shut the hell up. You get paid to put on makeup and read other peoples’ words into a camera for our amusement. You are nothing more than a modern day court jester--a marionette, if you will. I used to think you were funny. Now I look at the TV and all I see is an opinionated sellout whose characters are all starting to look the same. Should we pull the plug on Alec Baldwin? I don't really think so--Great Balls of Fire was a bit questionable, but overall, you've done some solid work. Shut your big, overpaid yapper.

Oh and one more thing--"Ford has cancer"? Here's a little tip for you--people fighting cancer, cancer survivors, and families and friends affected by cancer really don't care for insensitive cancer metaphors. Stick to the script--don't veer away from whatever the writers give you. If we want any more automotive advice, we’ll ask you. Or Paris Hilton. Or the fellow who played Screech on Saved By the Bell. In the meantime, shut your big, overpaid yapper.



Sunday, November 1, 2009

Post #41 - Jacuzzi Toilet "Flush-a-Fish Setting" Suggestion - 3/10/2009

Dear Jacuzzi,

On the snowy Christmas of 2007, Santa delivered a beloved pet fish to my four-year-old son, Chauncey. “Sonny” the 15 cent goldfish, taught my son the responsibilities of pet ownership. Chauncey fed the fish himself. He maintained the level, cleanliness, pH and temperature of Sonny’s water. Once, when he had a long "piece of string" hanging from his tail, Chauncey flicked the glass to "startle" Sonny and make the string fall off. On each passing holiday, Chauncey made a card for Sonny. With each card, Chauncey’s crayon image of Sonny improved. As seasons changed, and toddler turned into boy, Sonny became a bigger part of our family. Sonny even came camping with us last summer! Chauncey made him a tiny "s'more".

Last week, my son notified me that Sonny was swimming like “Uncle Keith after too many Manhattans”. To appease Chauncey, we took Sonny to the veterinarian. Dr. Smoot pulled me aside and ribbed me about my $50 vet visit over a 15 cent fish. We shared a good laugh about that, and I’m pretty sure he drove over some nails or sharp glass on his way home. My drive home was the longest of my life--I had to explain to Chauncey that there wasn't anything we could do for Sonny. The next morning, Sonny was floating at the top of the tank.

We held a makeshift-yet-very-solemn ceremony in our guest bath. I reverently laid a toilet paper "cross" on the water in the toilet bowl. We lit a scented candle and placed it on the toilet tank. Then, we gently laid Sonny's remains on the toilet papery cross--it looked as if he were gently napping on a puffy cloud in the sky. We sang a nice song that I crafted, entitled "Sonny's Going to Flushington." My song described a soft, peaceful place where fish go after they die. I then asked my son to cycle the lever, and gently send Sonny to that restful place.

What followed reminded me of Sonny Corleone's toll booth demise in the Godfather. Chauncey started screaming, as Sonny’s corpse violently spiraled through the watery vortex like the cow in Twister. His head made smaller and smaller circles as it followed Sonny’s rapidly spiraling trek out of our lives forevermore. Chauncey was inconsolable—he barely even touched his fish sticks. He wet the bed that night.

I've got a big complaint with the design of your product. Funeral processions don't go 70 mph from wake to gravesite. Pallbearers don't wear running shoes, and pass the casket like some sort of 4x400 relay. And last time I checked, ash-filled urns aren't blasted far into the ocean with water balloon catapults. There is something to be said for dignity and respect. I think your flush was too abrupt for a five-year-old, or anyone saying goodbye to an old friend.

Your flush lacked dignity and respect. Your toilet has a critical design flaw. I think all of your product development and testing has focused on one particular aspect of a commode, with no focus on our children—the future of our nation.

One day, our children will be pulling our plugs—I would hope that I could provide a decent template for them to do so. I am asking for you to consider a "Flush-a-Fish" setting. Less gallons per minute than a normal flush. Fish burial is a common use for your product. This setting would make the grieving process that much more dignified--more like I would want to go.

While I have you, I think at some point, we've all been burnt at the other end of the spectrum. This is why people die trying to smuggle the higher flow toilets from Mexico across the Rio Grande. This is why "retro" toilets in hideous avocado tones, are highly sought after on Ebay.

Why not make a toilet with multiple flow settings. In addition to "Flush-a-Fish", how about "standard 1.6” and what I’ll call the "11" setting. Let me know what you think. If legislation stands in our way, let’s get the lobbying started. There’s a new man in charge--maybe he understands.

Lastly, people in movies often aspire for a solid gold crapper as a symbol of infinite wealth. Do you market such a product? Can you dish any celebrities who may have purchased one? Bea Arthur is the first name that came to my mind.


Jerry Herman

PS—If you have any prototype stuff—cutting edge home products that you need tested, let me know.
No Reply
You May Also Enjoy:

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook