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Monday, April 26, 2010

Post # 103 - Tom Wilson and My Piston Game Bunny Hop - 1/30/1997

I wrote this letter after a visit to the Palace of Auburn Hills, for a Detroit Piston Game.  Anyone who has spent any amount of time at the Palace, knows that they play around with the restrooms, often changing a men's room into a ladie's room to keep the lines down. 

So three consecutive female restrooms is common there.  If, as my story explains, the men's room was under construction, then it is indeed plausible that the next three restrooms would be female. 

Also, when we went to the April 16, 1997 Piston/Bucks game with the tickets that Tom sent, our seats were double-booked.  I wrote a follow-up letter about this, but there was no reply.

Dear Mr. Wilson,

On January 29, I had my first date with Rhonda, the girl of my dreams for fourteen years. I decided that dinner in the rustic settings of the Moose Preserve, and the Piston Game at the nearby Palace, would be the perfect date.

Dinner was delicious, and we never encountered any “awkward silence” that one finds on a bad first date. As I finished my Emu Burger and Buffalo Barley Soup, I began to feel a storm brewing somewhere in my intestines. Rhonda asked if something was wrong. “Nothing”, I said as I squirmed. “Have you ever seen the movie “Twister”?

As we arrived at the Palace, things were going great. Our Section 116 seats were prime. I love the view at the Palace, having seen such acts as The Who, Van Halen. And Neil Diamond (Okay—so I have a soft side. I wasn’t the only guy there!). Just before tip-off, I had to excuse myself and head to the restroom. Urgent!

As I waited in the restroom line, it took every fiber of my being to hold onto the raging beast within. Finally, with no other choice, I pushed through the line and found NO STALLS!!! I ran out, and frantically searched for a men’s room. There were three woman’s restrooms in a row! I realize that these were changed to compensate for the much slower urination process of the female, but at the same time, it didn’t matter.

In a state of panic, I ordered the largest available beverage, took a big gulp, dumped the rest, and fled for the parking lot, where I relieved myself between two vans. Unfortunately, the people in one of the vans saw me. They laughed and pointed because in their drunken haze, I was amusing like a fire-breathing clown with a wet, hacking cough. As I finished my act, a beer bottle hit me in the shoulder. I emptied the cup’s contents into the open van door and ran like hell. They gave chase, but I ran through the cars and hid beneath one.

As I headed in, the ticket person told me “no re-admission.” What about Rhonda? She was worried sick. I purchased another ticket and finally caught up to her. I had to explain. My testimony was interrupted by the “second gust”. With nowhere to go, I surrendered to the storm, at the expense of some 15,000 heartless fans.

You can’t understand how embarrassing this was—the van of laughing drunks, the fans screaming “Mr. Poopie Pants”, and the hurt in Rhonda’s eyes. Rhonda was very understanding. For most situations, your restroom arrangements might only be slightly less than adequate. In my case, it was a nightmare. No more Palace visits.

I am extremely disappointed with my most recent visit to the Palace—you used to know how to treat loyal customers. I would appreciate a written explanation as to why it had to be so humiliating for me.

Maliced at the Palace,

Response from Tom Wilson, President of Palace Sports and Entertainment, dated 2/14/1997:

Dear Jerry,

Well, I can only hope that your letter was written in jest. If parts of it are true, I can only say that you wandered into one of our bathrooms that are being renovated. When you left there, you either passed a men’s room and didn’t notice it, or became a little confused.

We have equal restrooms for men and women. If you had enough time to stop and order a Coke, and made it all the waft there, you either passed a men’s room and didn’t notice it, or became a little confused.

We have equal restrooms for men and women. If you had enough time to stop and order a Coke, and made it all the way to the parking lot before emptying, you could have walked another twenty feet around and found a men’s room.

It would appear that your bigger problem was with the Moose Preserve and the Emu Burger!

Anyway, no one should have the problems that you did, and your light hearted letter was hard to beat, so I have enclosed two tickets for the Pistons Vs Bucks game on April 16, 1997. I hope you will try us again, but I don’t know if you should stop on Woodward before coming to the game.


Tom Wilson

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