Search This Site

Monday, February 28, 2011

Post # 166 - More Info Than I Wanted About Cheez Whiz - 2/28/2010

I was thanking Kraft for some info about their Mac and Cheese, when another topic arose.  Cheez Whiz.  The Kraft folk seized their captive audience to provide an informative lecture about their fine product.

I used this opportunity to share a truly harrowing tale with a storybook ending.  I realize now that Easy Cheese and Cheez Whiz are technically different products, but both are "cheese-inspired", non-refrigerated, non-"occurring in nature" products that fall under the Kraft umbrella.
Subject: RE: Your Comment/Question Case ID: 20259656
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 2010 00:28:22 -0500


Thanks for the info.

I read the article about Mr. James L. Kraft, and his innovations with cheese. It sounds like he was the original Cheez Whiz. Was this product named in honor of him?

It sounds from your character Mac and Cheese explanation, that the box size is more important than flavor consistency (character box versus standard box).

Also in the article, I noticed that Phillip Morris owns Kraft. Friends of mine work in the auto industry, and they are strongly encouraged to "drive Big 3 automobiles." Are Kraft employees encouraged to smoke up?

All of the information that you provided was great and helpful. Thanks again.

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for visiting and for your interest in CHEEZ WHIZ.

During the early 1950s, melted cheese served over toast was common luncheon fare. Kraft intended to create a specialty product that would compete with a cheese rarebit sauce available on the East Coast. The sales department encouraged the R&D staff to think bigger—and create an all-purpose cheese sauce.

Kraft test-marketed Cheez Whiz in 1952—and introduced the product nationally in the U.S. the following year. After Cheez Whiz hit the market, Kraft surveyed consumers to learn how they were using the product—and found over 1,000 different uses.

In 1986, Kraft repositioned Cheez Whiz as the “Marvelous Microwave in a Minute Cheese Sauce.” Consumer demand for reduced fat foods led to the development of Cheez Whiz Light, introduced in 1992. The following year, Kraft brought out Squeezable Cheez Whiz — a product that successfully capitalized on the nacho trend.

Cheez Whiz made its U.S. national debut on July 1, 1953.

Also, Philip Morris acquired General Foods in 1985 and Kraft, Inc in 1988. In January, 1986 Christie Brown & Co. and Associated Biscuits of Canada integrated. The two food subsidiaries were combined to form Kraft General Foods, Inc in 1989.

In 1995 Kraft General Foods adopted a one company philosophy and changed the company name to Kraft Foods Inc. In 2004, Kraft changed its name to Kraft Foods Global Inc. to better reflect its global one-company philosophy.

On April 2, 2007, Kraft Foods began operating as a fully independent company.

If you haven’t done so already, please add our site to your favorites and visit us again soon!


Associate Director, Consumer Relations

My response, sent 3/10/2010

Dear Kim,

Now I’m in the know. Thanks.

You mentioned that Cheez Whiz is an all purpose product. I’ll say! Let me tell you about a recent experience, where Cheez Whiz helped me out in a real pinch.

It was late. It was dark. I was in a bad neighborhood. A car pulled up next to me and gestured to my rear tire. “Your tire is flat!”, he mouthed.

I looked around. There weren’t any service stations around. I felt very vulnerable. I grabbed the lug wrench and couldn’t break the lug nuts free. As I put the lug wrench back in the trunk, I saw a little slice of heaven. I had three cans of Easy Cheez aerosol cheese product in my trunk.

Guess who filled his tire with Cheez Whiz aerosol cheese product? Guess who was able to drive to a safe neighborhood on a half-inflated tire filled with Cheez Whiz? That would be me, Kim.

Guess who got a dirty look (and later a laundry bill) from the mechanic? While it saved me, and while it sounded funny when I was driving, it made for a messy repair. But the cheese product actually patched the tire, and it is holding 35 psi of air.

On a positive note, the mechanic was able to salvage much of the Cheez Whiz. Guess who pulled a bag of Tostitos from the trunk, and shared with the entire garage? That would be me, Kim.

Thanks again!


Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Post # 165 - Summer's Eve - What Is a Douche Bag? - 5/18/2010

Dear Summer’s Eve,

I’m not part of your target demographic. I’m a widowed father of four boys—Timmy, Tommy, Teddy, and Bob. Why am I contacting you? Allow me to explain.

I’m always telling my sons, “don’t use a word or phrase, if you can’t tell me what it means.”  Terms like moron, jerk, nincompoop, and fo-shizzle have been temporarily shelved until they can be paired up with the correct definition.

The other day, I was in my car, driving to my florist shoppe. Some idiot cut me off, and then proceeded to drive 31 miles per hour in a 45 mil per hour zone. I called him every name under the sun—some of which I could never repeat here. One of those terms that I used was…”Douche Bag.”

It occurred to me that I had become the fellow that I was trying to prevent my sons from becoming. I was throwing around terms that I didn’t understand. I felt unclean. I felt like a great big hypocrite.

So now, I am quietly typing and sending this while the boys sleep. I’m trying to correct my mistake. They say “Father Knows Best.” Well, this time, I don’t think so.

What is a “Douche Bag?” I have a rough idea of the general concept. I don’t know anything about the apparatus, it's function, or how one would use it. Any assistance that you can provide is greatly appreciated.


Subject: Summer's Eve Inquiry

Date: Wed, 19 May 2010 08:52:08 -0400
From: semailbox@CBFLEET.COM

Dear Jerry,

Before the invention of disposable douches, women used a douche bag filled with water and vinegar to cleanse the vagina.

If you haven’t done so already, I suggest Googling the term and select “Images” from the tool bar to see what it looks like.

Kindest regards,

Summer’s Eve Feminine Care Specialist
Subject: RE: Summer's Eve Inquiry
Date: Wed, 19 May 2010 22:01:06 -0400

Dear Beth,

Thanks for the fast response, and for the explanation. You have armed me with knowledge.

One tip for you: if you suggest Googling Image Searches, you should recommend the "Safe Search On" option. Boy howdy! One of the first images to pop up was one of a young lady, presumably of Bavarian descent, practicing the art of douching, employing the douching techniques and douche apparatus. She harkened back to Johnny Bench, the instumental cog in that Big Red Machine of the 1970's.

My sons, Timmy and Teddy walked past and caught an eyeful. Let's just say, we're caught up, if not way ahead of schedule on those dreaded "talks."  When they take driver's ed, they'll have clearance to use the term.

Thanks again--you've been helpful.


P.S. : To submit my comments, your site required me to select a product. I selected "Island Splash" Douche. That seemed like it would be very refreshing.
You May Also Enjoy:
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Post # 164 - Heinz: Take a Mulligan on One of the Fifty Seven Varieties 6/21/2010

Dear Heinz,

We were raised to believe in four basic principles:
1) The importance of God.
2) The importance of Family.
3) The importance of Education.
4) Heinz has 57 varieties.

I’m sure that number has increased over the years, and it’s probably too difficult to run around changing all of the signage. In your defense, I think you have bigger fish to fry. I do, however, think that a change is in order.

While strolling through the imported foods section of my local grocer, I happened upon Heinz Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding. I realize it’s a British delicacy, and that they’re a society held together by odd puddings. My first reaction wasn’t “that might be quite tasty.”  It was “How many of these am I buying to hand out as gag gifts to my brothers and male friends on Christmas.

I believe if you wanted to, you could change the name to something more PC. However, I think that Heinz makes a very nice profit off of the gag gift sector of our society. Tell me I’m wrong about that.

It’s funny, and in England, culturally relevant. They’re a little out of touch—they still call erasers “rubbers.”  In the rest of the world, it’s offensive and quite shocking when you see it in the store. Kids walk by and giggle. There’s a giant “you are what you eat” joke there.

GM has rid itself of Oldsmobile. Chrysler has rid itself of Plymouth. Ford is seriously considering ridding itself of Mercury. I think, as a symbol of censorship, Heinz should start a new campaign. 56 Varieties, We’ve Rid Ourselves of the Spotted Dick.

What do you think?


No Reply
You May Also Enjoy:

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Monday, February 7, 2011

Post # 163 - Walmart's Great Value Stuffing Mix Is A Great Value Because It Contains Extra Paper 7-29-2010

Dear Walmart,

I believe in making dinners from scratch. Sometimes, between my gigs as a 9-5 accountant, and my Monster Truck aspirations, I don’t have time. Your Great Value products enable me to “cut a few corners” when preparing meals for my children—Victor, Valerie, Vance, Vivian, Vince, Violet, and Jeff.

Last week, I prepared a delicious meal of Cornish game hens. I personally hunted them myself, de-headed, de-feathered, de-gutted, de-buck-shotted, stuffed, and baked these delicious birds. The entire preparation took eleven hours. By the end, your Great Value Chicken Flavored Stuffing Mix was looking mighty tempting. It cooked up in five minutes.

I have one bone to pick with you. As I opened the box, and the package inside, I found a rather large hunk of brown paper—almost like packaging from something at the Walmart Great Value Factory.

That's not my hand (I don't wear polish).
It got me wondering: It was very easy for me to find something that should have been easy for you to see and catch. What other things are you feeding me that I can’t see and remove? You didn’t know about the paper. What else don’t you know that you’re feeding my seven kids and I? What else, unbeknownst to me, have I ingested from Great Value products?

If it happened to me, I’m betting there are others! I’d appreciate some feedback. If you need a photo of the debris, I can share that. UPC: 78742 43454, LOT: CB81, Expiration: 12/14/11.



P.S. – I find it annoying that your website makes me email my letter to my local store. This issue happened in a factory somewhere, and was shipped to my store. This IS NOT THEIR FAULT. I don’t understand why they’re being dragged into this. This is counterproductive.

Walmart's response, sent 7/30/2010

Thank you for your message.

Dear Jerry,

We received your feedback regarding your unpleasant experience with a Great Value product and we regret the product did not meet your expectations.

We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience you encountered. We assure you that your satisfaction is a high priority and we are committed to continually improving our products to meet your expectations. We will forward your information and feedback to our Quality Assurance Team so it can be reviewed and addressed.

We would appreciate it if you would assist us in researching this matter by providing the object and product package in which you found it. If you retained those items, please contact us by email at or call us toll-free at 877-505-2267 for information on how we can collect the items from you at no cost to you. We hope you will continue using Great Value products and share your feedback with us often.

Your input is important to us as we work to provide products you want and trust, so you can save money and live better. You can visit us at and share your comments on the "Contact Us" link, or find additional information on all our Great Value products by selecting the "Grocery" link. Our Great Value team is happy to respond to additional questions or concerns and assist you in any way when you call 877-505-2267 Monday through Friday between the hours of 7:00 am to 5:30 pm Central Standard Time.

Thank you,
Great Value Customer Care
You May Also Enjoy:

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook