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Friday, April 27, 2012

Post# 254 - West Virginia Brand Ham and Kevin's Coming-Out-of-a-Coma Party

My Mom bought a ham.  It had an excessive amount of fat.  We each decided to write a letter complaining.  My mom told the story as it happened--she "bought the ham for Easter and it was a little more fatty than we prefer."  West Virginia Brand Ham gave her a $3 coupon.

In my letter, I decided to embellish.  I didn't embellish the facts: that the ham was too fatty.  I painted a more interesting picture.  Which approach worked better?  I sent this on 3/18/1996.
----------------------
Dear West Virginia,

When I bought your ham for my brother’s coming-out-of-a-coma celebration, I sacrificed twice as much cash as I normally would.  I paid for quality--the West Virginia Ham and Hearth brand name!  Normally I walk past your hams because I cannot afford them. On this occasion, I really wanted to impress my future in-laws with a luscious dinner consisting of ham, candied yams (Little Kevin calls them “Yammies”), mashed potatoes, dressing, and tossed salad.  The bitter joke at the end of the evening was that Kevin spent eight months in a coma, and thanks to West Virginia Ham and Hearth, he would spend eight more.  The stinging sound of laughter still burns my ears, as would the abrasive salt on a sourdough pretzel sting an open flesh wound. 

Imagine my surprise when I found out I was serving celluloid!  My future in-laws each had puzzled looks on their faces.  I was embarrassed.  Kyle just had bypass surgery!  There must have been an inch of fat around the outside.

The pig from this ham was taken must not have been very healthy.  Maybe he was a “channel-surfin’ couch potato” like “Arnold” from Green Acres! I recommend some sort of exercise program for the pigs to keep them fit.  Who knows--it might even make their lives more complete as they lay on their little pig pillows at night.

I just want to reiterate my dissatisfaction with your product.  As a former farmer who raised prize winning sows in three consecutive fairs, I feel that some sort of written explanation would not be too much to ask!

Feeling Boned,


Jerry
--------------------

--------------------
My response, sent 5/6/1996:

Dear West Virginia:

There are a few things in life that really bother me:

1) The fact that John Mellencamp keeps changing his name.

2) When I have that dream that I’m falling, and I wake up with my heart racing.

3) Crab spelled with a K.

4) That “helpful” person who, when am looking for something I lost, offers “Where did you put it?”

5) Companies who fail to respond to their customers’ concerns in a timely fashion.

What’s the deal?  I wrote you back in March about this celluloid-infested ham you fed my family with at my brother’s coming-out-of-a-coma celebration.  It was an embarrassment--especially considering the occasion.  To this day, my in-laws jokingly call me the “Grim Reaper.”  I’ve taken to sniffing mothballs and kerosene to deal with the discomfort I feel around them now.

When I bought your ham, you were there to collect my money.  I guess the story changes when you have my hard earned cash in your hand.  What are you doing differently now to assure me that my next West Virginia Ham won’t be “the before picture.”  Have you implemented an aerobics instructor?  Heres an idea:  Turn your facility into a “Spanish Mock-Up" and have “the running of the pigs."  Buy some hoola hoops and teach them.  Maybe just feed them grapefruit and celery.  My point is:  your customers want lean meat.  If you want them to be around for years and years, stop clogging their arteries with massive layers of pig celluloid!  You’ll kill them, I tell ya.  Enough said.


I still feel that some sort of written explanation would not be too much to ask...

All Clogged Up,

Jerry
---------------
Dear Jerry,

Thank you for your very colorful letter informing us of your recent dissatisfaction with our WEST VIRGINIA BRAND HAM.  Please accept my apology for the delay in responding to you; however, your letter just reached our office.  It was forwarded to us by our promotional clearing house.

Your interest in bringing the problem to our attention is appreciated.  To prove to you that you can depend on the quality of our products, enclosed is a coupon to replace the product that you found unsatisfactory. 

It is consistent policy of Hygrade to provide the highest and purest product available to our customers.  However, when millions of pounds of products are processed and shipped from our manufacturing facilities across the country, it is not unlikely that a few will be misjudged.  Please accept our apology for any inconvenience that this inconvenience caused you.

Concerned consumers like you maje it possible for us to take the necessary steps to prevent mistakes such as the one you experienced from happening again.  We hope you will continue to be our valued customer and our products will meet your fullest expectations.

Sincerely,

Diana
Consumer Affairs Manager

Enclosure
Reference P10-174-6
---------------

My response to Diana, Customer Affairs Manager, sent 6/1/1996
Dear Diana:

I am writing to thank you for the letter which detailed the trifles of the animal flesh industry.  In addition, I appreciate the wonderful coupon for a free ham.  I immediately picked one up and cooked it for my family--the same people who, for months, called me the grim reaper.   The response: OVERWHELMING SATISFACTION.

I now crave water in the worst way.  At night, I wake up and jump in the pool to drink as much and as quickly as I can.  You see, ever since your free ham coupon, I’ve had ham every meal (have you ever had a “hamshake?”).  In the wake of my animal flesh satisfaction, I am left absolutely parched.  It’s like a forest fire--I just keep on feeding it water, and it rages on!

I have prepared ham in every manner known to mankind, and, this fall, intend to publish a “ham-only” cookbook.  If you are interested in some of my recipes, let me know, I will forward them, no charge.  Some recipes include: Cajun Ham Salad, Marinated Ham Steaks, “Scam-a-Ham-Thank-You-Ma’am” Sandwiches, and Honey-Ham Gelatin with Fresh Pineapple Slices.

I’ll bet with millions of pounds of meat (as you stated in the letter), the sight of blood and the sounds of agonizing shrieks are commonplace--something to gage what time it is.   Luckily, as consumers, we are shielded from this unsightly and inhumane act of slaughter.  I’ll bet if the roles were reversed, and the pigs were killing us by the millions, President Clinton would do something about it (then again, probably not).

We just get to load our diet with the end result, and gradually replace all fruits, vegetables, grains and dairy with one product---ham.  I figure that if you fed the pigs all those foods, its safe for me to eat the pig and gain these nutrients, right?  Makes sense to me.

As I polish off this last ham-kabob, I must finish this letter so that I can check on my ham jerky.  In closing, I want to once again thank you, Diana, for your courtesy.

Sincerely,

Jerry

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Monday, April 23, 2012

Post# 253 - KFC: Solving the Mysterious 11 Herbs and Spices Secret Recipe - 9/6/2011

Dear KFC, 

As a family doctor, I believe strongly in herbal treatments as opposed to unnatural chemical solutions churned out by massive corporations.  My studies and past experiences have determined that common herbs--the type that most of us carry in our spice racks and gardens, can treat many an ailment.  Amazingly, it often doesn't take much of a particular herb to create drastic improvements in one's overall health and well-being.  Unfortunately, I often find that my less-motivate patients avoid their daily herbal dosages for various reasons.  Extracts, shakes and powders "taste" bad.  Large capsules are "difficult to swallow."  Injections "hurt my buttocks."  It's enough to drive me crazy.  When these patients adhere to my recommendations, we see great results.  However, when they avoid my advice, we see relapses and complications.

Among my "problem children," I have prescribed:

  • Thyme for Willie's  cough and cold. 
  • Cayenne pepper for Rose's metabolism and circulation.  
  • Basil for Taylor's gastric disorders. 
  • Rosemary (AKA Dew of the Sea) for  Shiela's  nervous system disorders. 
  • Cilantro (AKA Mexican Parsley) for  Rodney's oxidative cellular damage. 
  • Black pepper for Margaret's loss of appetite. 
  • Onion for Stephen's influenza. 
  • Celery for Angela's gout.   
  • Paprika for Hugo's ulcers.  
  • Sage for Joseph's diarrhea (they call him Explosive Joseph). 
  • Garlic for Bryce's high cholestrol. 
  • Oregano for Hampton's bronchitis. 
  • Allspice for Kaitlin's flatulence. 
  • Marjoram for Timothy's fever-like symptoms.  
  • Chili powder for Seth's joint pain. 
  • Parsley (AKA Petroselinum) for Rebecca's rheumatism. 
  • Mustard powder for Brandon's depression.   
  • Bay leaves (AKA Turkish Bay Leaf) for Yolanda's headaches.
Yesterday, while harvesting my jalepenos, something in my mind clicked.  Your chicken has eleven herbs and spices.  What, I thought, if I were able to prescribe KFC as an all-encompassing and tasty solution to treat many of my patients' ailments?


We all know that the Colonel's secet recipe is just that.  Top secret.  I have heard whispered tales of a vault somewhere in Kentucky listing the 11 herbs and spices, and their exact ratio.   Rumor has it, folks in various facilities assemble their component of the spice mixture and deliver it to another location.   The folks who mix these components together have no knowledge of what they are mixing, or where it came from.  Frankly, I wouldn't want to know.  Because then, I'm a marked man.  Suddenly, Popeye, Church's  are stalking me, and and Chic-a-Fil-E is sending a vanful of thugs dressed as cows to capture me and administer truth serum.  Truth serum is nasty.

Here is how you can help me, and I can in turn, help you.  If you tell me which of my patients would benefit
from a daily ingestion of your fine chicken, I will prescribe this to them.   Based on your recommendations, I will, in the future, prescribe it for patients exhibiting these same symptoms.

At the end of each patient's cycle, I will provide you with a detailed report--how the patient progressed.  In addition, I wll provide their feedback egarding your chicken.  Keep in mind, these are the 17 most finicky eaters on this planet.

In summary, just let me know which patients would benefit (based on my analysis), or if it's easier, which ones would not (that might be a list of 6 names rather than 11).

Sincerely,

Jerry
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Follow-up sent 9/18/2011:

Dear KFC,

You never answered my question.  I gave you a list of 17 patients, each of whom I prescribed an herb.  I asked which would benefit from your chicken.  I don't care about your recipe! I care about my patients!  They are like extended family.  Again, the list:

  • Thyme for Willie's  cough and cold. 
  • Cayenne pepper for Rose's metabolism and circulation.  
  • Basil for Taylor's gastric disorders. 
  • Rosemary (AKA Dew of the Sea) for  Shiela's  nervous system disorders. 
  • Cilantro (AKA Mexican Parsley) for  Rodney's oxidative cellular damage. 
  • Black pepper for Margaret's loss of appetite. 
  • Onion for Stephen's influenza. 
  • Celery for Angela's gout.   
  • Paprika for Hugo's ulcers.  
  • Sage for Joseph's diarrhea (they call him Explosive Joseph). 
  • Garlic for Bryce's high cholestrol. 
  • Oregano for Hampton's bronchitis. 
  • Allspice for Kaitlin's flatulence. 
  • Marjoram for Timothy's fever-like symptoms.  
  • Chili powder for Seth's joint pain. 
  • Parsley (AKA Petroselinum) for Rebecca's rheumatism. 
  • Mustard powder for Brandon's depression.   
  • Bay leaves (AKA Turkish Bay Leaf) for Yolanda's headaches.
Please advise, as soon as possible.

Thanks,

Jerry
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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Post# 252 - Ortega and Their Concealing Packaging

Sent: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 10:44 PM
Subject: Ortega Contact - Broken Shells

Dear Ortega,


My most recent taco shell purchase was a disappointment. When I opened the box, several shells were broken, right along the seam. This was disappointing because once a taco shell is broken, you just canĂ¢€™t repair it. A broken taco shell is like a race horse with a busted leg. Had I known that the shells I purchased were broken, I would have selected a different box.
Why are your boxes opaque? When I buy your shells, how do I know the stock boy wasn't sitting on a pallet full of Ortega Taco Shell boxes, texting his baby mama? How do I know my box, the box that I selected from the shelf, wasn't being used as a bench only ten minutes prior?

When you go to a pet store, they don't keep the fish in an isolated, opaque crate. The store owners want you to see that the fish are alive and healthy. When you go to a jewelry store, they don't keep the ear-rings in a crate, and say, "This ring is 1.5 karats.  You'll just have to wait to get home to see for yourself."

Transparent packaging, I say. Why not? What are you hiding? Why wouldnĂ¢wouldn't a company want to show off their big, beautiful taco shells, so they can say "Hey world, these babies were intact when they left our plant."

It's a simple thing, but I think you can see where it would put me, the consumer, at ease.
What do you think?

Sincerely,

Jerry

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Ortega's response, sent 6/26/11:

Dear Jerry,
 
We are so sorry to read of your disappointing purchase of our Ortega Taco Shells.  
 
As you can appreciate the shells are quite fragile and breakage can occur if the product 
is mishandled after production. 
 
To ensure the greatest level of protection, we have packaged them in the "Freshness Pack." 
This highly customized plastic tray helps prevent breakage by holding the shells in place, 
and also locks in freshness for a crispier, more flavorful product. Thank you for bringing
this to our attention so that we can investigate it and contact our sales and distribution 
manager. If possible, would you please email us the name and location of the store at which 
you purchased these shells and the Best By date/production code and UPC/bar code from the
carton?
 
We appreciate your suggestion to use a clear or opaque container, but exposure to light would adversely affect the flavor and shelf life of the shells. Your concerns will certainly be brought to the attention of our quality assurance and packaging managers. Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience you were caused. We hope you enjoy the complimentary Ortega product coupon we are sending you.
 
Chris 
B&G Foods, Inc.
Corporate Consumer Affairs 
----------------------
Subject: RE: Ortega Contact - Broken Shells
Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011 16:34:07 -0400

Christine, Thank you for responding so quickly. Thanks for the coupon--that wasn't my intent. I don't see this as an Ortega-only problem. I was hoping to solve the whole problem once and for all. What about a Frito-Lay Stax-style container with an oblong cross section? How about thickening the middle section (the weak point)?
Also, while I have you, how about a flat bottomed taco shell for ease of loading and pre-heating? I'm sure it's been reviewed and rejected due to packaging concerns. Check out my sketch. I hope I've helped in some way. Sincerely, Jerry --------------------------
----------------------
Subject: RE: Ortega Contact - Broken Shells Date: Fri, 17 Jun 2011 08:47:26 -0400
Dear Jerry,
Thank you for your reply and constructive comments. Actually, our product development team has been looking at a number of the suggestions you’ve mentioned. We certainly appreciate your interest in this matter and your loyalty to Ortega products.
Chris
B&G Foods, Inc.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Post# 251 - Driscoll's: There's a Bee in My Berries

I sent this on 6/15/2011 after my daughter discovered an actual dead bee in our raspberries:

Dear Driscoll
This morning, my nine-year-old daughter tried to do a kind deed for her mother.  She was making fruit salad, sort of a breakfast in bed surprise.   She removed stems from strawberries, and added them to the bowl.  She sliced up a banana, and added that to the bowl.    She added blueberries, blackberries, and reached for the Driscoll raspberries.
My daughter came screaming upstairs to her mother.  This was a lot for mom to process, having been sound asleep and unaware of the breakfast initiative.   My daughter, who once ended up in the ER after wandering to close to the neighbor’s beehive (we fired the babysitter) found a dead bee in the raspberry container.  We think it was dead.  I don’t really know.  It was disgusting though.

Now, as a result, my daughter, who loved raspberries, won’t go near them.  I’m a little freaked out.  What if the bee fell inside the hollow part of the berry, and one of us ate it.   Is it even safe to swallow a bee?  What if, due to the refrigerator, the bee was in a state of hibernation, and being surrounded by berry juice, saliva, and chomping teeth, woke it up?  What if one of us has a bee allergy? 
I need a written explanation.  Obviously bees help make berries.  Bees are drawn to sweet smells.  They have a much easier time when they can climb right in the container.  How about smaller vent holes? 
Any information you can provide on this is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,

Jerry
----------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jun 2011 11:39:00 -0700
Subject: Driscoll's consumer reply DSA:0026212
Dear Jerry,


It was disheartening to hear about your unfortunate experience with your recent berry purchase. I appreciate your taking the time to inform me of the bug you found in your package of berries.  At Driscoll’s, we take great pride in growing, harvesting, packaging and shipping the safest, freshest, most flavorful berries possible.  For over 100 years, Driscoll’s has been a family-owned-and-operated company with a mission to continually delight berry consumers. In this instance that was not achieved; for this we are most concerned and very sorry. 
------------------

For reference your contact has been assigned the case number below. We would like to obtain additional information about your experience and the package of berries. Please reply to this email with a contact number where you can be reached or you can call the number below at your convenience.We look forward to speaking with your and again we apologize for this negative experience.
Case number: CAS-136818-JWMTSG

Customer Service: 1-800-871-3333


Best regards,

Karah
Consumer Relations Manager
What followed was two of the same note, one dated June 21st, and one dated July 7th, each with a $5 coupon.

The letters stated:
Dear Jerry

It was disheartening to hear about your unfortunate experience with your recent berry purchase.  I appreciate your taking the time to inform us of the bug you found in your package of berries.  At Driscoll's, we take great pride in growing, harvesting, packaging and shipping the safest, freshest, most flavorful berries possible.  For over 100 years, Driscoll's has been a family-owned-and-operated company with a mission to continually delight berry consumers.  In this instance, that was not achieved; for this, we are most concerned and very sorry.  Please accept as a token of apology, the enclosed coupon(s) to be used to replace your berries.

Driscoll's has a strict Quality Assurance Program in place from the field through harvest and distribution.  We work hand-in-hand with our distribution partners to ensure that the berries you purchase are of the finest, most flavorful and nutritious quality.  Our berries are harvested and packed directly in the fields.  Because berries are very perishable, we touch them only once during the harvest process.  They are picked and placed into a plastic container, which is immediately shut when full.  From there the berries are taken to our cooler facility, where they are kept in refrigeration until after they are transferred onto refrigerated trucks and delivered to markets throughout the United States.  To ensure the utmost quality and freshness, and the longest shelf life, they are not touched again until opened by you for consumption.  Because of this, occasionally a bug or worm may find its way into a package and go undetected until the berries are ready for use.

Hopefully this information has provided some insight into the growing and harvesting process.  Again, please accept my apologies regarding your berry purchase and thank you for sharing your concerns.

Best Regards,

Elizabeth Martinez
Consumer Relations Manager
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Friday, April 6, 2012

Post# 250 - Tide Free and My Smelly Shirt

I sent this on 5/24/2011:

Dear Tide,

Somewhere once, a detergent engineer performed a study that proved, conclusively, that the scent in detergent, while more costly, has a purpose.  For years, even dating back to Fels Naptha, soap has included scent.  Men even started wearing just the scent, in products like aftershave and cologne.  They knew that the scent increased their chances of "getting lucky" versus their non-scented counterparts. 

I recently purchased your Tide Free, scent free, coloring free detergent. I went against my better judgement.  Yesterday, I washed a brand new t-shirt, never worn, with my gym socks, and an onion-soup-soaked table cloth.  When I wore the shirt today, it smelled funny.  I could pick up a jazz trio of scents--new shirt smell, onion soup smell, and gym sock smell.  I thought "I just washed this.  What gives?"

Here's what I've figured out: detergent needs fragrance.  If detergents gets something 99 percent clean, fragrance "rounds it up."   I'm wondering, with washes three, four and five, would my shirt pick up additional scents.  Would my shirt become an olfactory scrapbook of smelly laundry loads past?

Scent-free is a bad idea.  Where the scent is missing, some other rogue odor will take it's place, sort of like a weed in a landscape that is lacking ground cover.  Landscape is the shirt, ground cover is the fragance, and the weed is the rogue odor.

I guess what I am saying is, stick with your first instinct.  Fragrance is good.  Let's bring it back!

Thanks,

Jerry
---------------------------------
Tide's Reply, sent 5/26/2011
Hello Jerry,

Thank you for contacting Tide.

I apologize for the experience, what you’re describing is unusual and we would not expect this to be happening.
Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I'm sorry this wasn't your experience.  Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with the rest of our team.
Please be assured all our laundry detergents are designed to provide good overall cleaning.  In addition, they all contain enzymes which help remove protein soils.
Tide 2X ONLY (Base versions, Bleach Alternative, Coldwater & Febreze Freshness) – Contain additional enzymes for improved stain removal.

Since powders and liquids have different performance strengths, I’d like to share some tips with you.  If you have clay or mud type of soil, then try our powders as they work best on this type of stain.  For greasy, oily solids liquid is the best. 

For best results:
Follow care tag instructions, using the hottest water safe for the fabric.
Sort clothes properly grouping similar colors and fabrics.
Don't overload the washer so clothes can circulate freely.
Use the recommended amount of detergent for average water hardness, a little more in very hard water, a little less in very soft water.
Use gentle cycles only when care instructions recommend it.






Tide Free provides your fabrics with great cleaning that's gentle to your skin.
Specially designed for sensitive skin
Made without dyes & perfumes
Rinses clean
Dermatologist tested for sensitive skin
2X concentrated so you can use ½ as much.
One small cap of new Ultra Tide helps remove virtually every type of stain.
2X concentrated – use less.
To add softness to your whole wash without adding dyes or perfumes, try Downy Free & Sensitive fabric softener

There should never be the transfer of odors from one load to the next.


We have found that there are consumers who don't want scent in there laundry products and there are consumers who may have an allergic  reaction to the fragrances or dyes.

Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I'm sending compensation by postal mail.  You should receive my letter and coupon within the next 2-3 weeks.
If you go to www.pg.com/everydaysolutions and www.tide.com you can sign up to receive product promotions and if you register to receive our Tide Newsletter there are additional promotions available.

Thanks again for writing.
Kathleen
Tide Team
----------------------
A coupon for a "64 use" bottle of Tide was sent to the address on file.  It was sent to my friend Theresa because I had previously written a letter for her daughter.


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Sunday, April 1, 2012

Post# 249 - AAA - How About an Lousy and Advancing Age Driver's Certification Test

Dear AAA,

There was a time in my life when I had a lot of points.  I would have told you I was safe, but I was not.  Every driver thinks he or she is safe.  New drivers, old drivers, drunk drivers.  Bad drivers increase the liklihood of  automobile fatalities for everyone, including good drivers.  They increase the cost of insurance, and probably cut into AAA's profit margin as well.

I recommend an annual certification.  "In order to remain insured by AAA, if you fall into a higher risk category, you  must take an annual certification."  Come up with a quick but thoroughdriver's test that requires good vision, reflexes, and reasoning skills.  It could be a siumulator.  Make these people take the test.  If they pass, give them an award.  If they fail, take away their insurance. 

You could pay for it with the money that you save by not insuring bad drivers.