My note to Johnson and Johnson, sent 2/6/2010:
Dear Johnson and Johnson,
In 1975, my wife of 41 years passed away. Audrey was a pure soul, and I couldn’t deal with her loss. I became a missionary, and quickly disappeared to third world countries in Africa. Hard work and dire conditions healed my wounds. Last year, I returned to the town that I once knew. The town drug store is now a cell phone store. People rent movies instead of watching them in film houses. I’ve been out of the loop.
I quickly enrolled in driver’s education (I needed a refresher), and computer courses (when I left, we were still using punch cards). I never owned a credit card, or an IPOD. I never heard of a VCR, let alone a DVD player. I’m adjusting now—I even have a mobile phone.
My son, Alex, and his wife Barbara welcomed me with open arms. My other son, Timothy, is still angry. But that’s a story for another day. Last summer, Alex and Bab’s 18-year-old daughter Natalie ran away. I talked her into moving into my home until she could “work things out” at home, and find some direction. After the holidays, she went away to college, to study veterinary sciences.
As I was cleaning out Natalie’s room, I accidentally opened a dresser drawer. I found sixteen boxes of something called KY Jelly. You’ll have to forgive me for being naïve—I’ve been gone for years.
I phoned Natalie at her dorm and asked what it was. She hesitated, and then explained that she uses KY Jelly to lubricate the tuning slides on her tuba. This seemed fishy to me since I’ve never even heard Natalie play that thing since she moved in! I asked what she used KY Jelly Warming Lubricant for. Natalie explained that she uses this during the Thanksgiving and Christmas parades, to keep her tuba warm. Apparently a warmer instrument produces a sweeter sound.
I saw your name on the box and decided to contact you with my questions. Am I being sold a bill of goods over here? It just seems like there’s a lot of it in this drawer for one tuba. Also, I did a cursory check at the music store—they sell a specific oil for that purpose.
Any information that you can provide is appreciated.
Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 08:31:31 +0000
Subject: Re: K-Y® Website: Thank you for contacting the Information Center. Reference #: 013636609A.
Thank you for contacting Personal Products Company, makers of K-Y® Brand Jelly Personal Lubricant. It is always important to hear from our consumers and we appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.
The question that you asked requires a more in- depth discussion than is possible through e-mail, and we would like to assist you as appropriate. Please call our toll free number, 1-800-582-6097 and mention the reference number noted below at that time. Our healthcare consultants are available Monday through Friday between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. EST.
Thank you for contacting us about this important matter. We look forward to your call.
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