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Monday, March 15, 2010

Post # 88 - War On Spam: Monica, The Girl Who Stole Razia's Hat - 1/13/2010

This letter refers to Razia, the star of Post # 86.
Date: Wed, 13 Jan 2010 23:43:25 +0800
Subject: Hi

Hi, Am Monica Riche,26yrs,single girl.i will love to know you more
My response 1/16/2010

Hi Monica.

You sure say a lot in a short sentence. I will love to know you more too.

Me first. I am in the business of cheese. I own a Cheese Shoppe. I make the cheese. I pour milk and bacteria into a vat. I age it, and as it ages, it smells like death. I walk around all day reeking of death. People stay clear of me. I once cleared out the first five rows of an Aerosmith Concert. Joe Perry asked me to please leave. The problem is, I can shower and shower and shower, and the smell never goes away.

On top of that, I have a lot of skin problems and scabies. I have ringworm, a tapeworm, a medium sized goiter and the gout. My jaw cracks when I chew pudding, I burp involuntarily mid-sentence, and I have acne. Lots and lots of that. I also snore.

In addition, I hate little kids and puppies, and I disrespect my elders. I took the mother of my children for everything she owns. She now lives in a shack, which is probably a shame since she's pretty nice. My kids put a positive spin on it--they're closer to nature. I pretty much hate all people with any redeeming values.

I may be a crusty, raunchy, possibly criminal 78 year-old who hates people and life, but I like my ladies. They have to be young and single, and willing to pay attention to me. I like to go to the Gentleman's clubs and spend spend spend on the ladies--the young ones. I have a rule--27 and younger.

What's your story? Please be brief again so we can focus on me again.


Todd O'Hocketsmitch
Date: Mon, 18 Jan 2010 23:21:01 +0800

Subject: RE: Hi

Hi dear,

How are you today and thanks for your mail/care.please Iam Monica Riche from Liberia in w/africa.currently residing in dakar the capital city of senegal in w/africa.please i want us to take things cooperatings.

As i will tell you,my father before his untimely death,was one of the directors of national mining,Golds/Diamonds.

Since the death of my Father i decided to look for a life partner who can take proper good care of me and some little wealths he left behind.Because of this i decided to move out from my country Liberia to senegal to search for a better life partner.

But it was a little bad experience to me since i have not travelled to this country happened that i lost my hand bag containing,my international passport, some samples of Golds and Diamonds and some cash and some valuables inside the bag.this happend in the Airport car parks while i was taking a little rest of my flieght from my country.iam left with only my ID Card.

Dear iam telling you this just because i want us to be help to each other.

Before the untimely death of my father, he burried a box containing some Golds and Diamonds near one flower tree in our compound.and according to my late father,he told me that the cost value of those items is between 50,000 US$ to 100 000 US$.

Dear please i want you to assist me with some little cash for my travel back home to get those items.then i will return back here with it,then i can sell some for my tickets and travelling documents and we arrange on how to meet.

if possible you can come down here yourself and take me along with you.

i promise to be loyal to you as long you can help me now that i need your assistance.

kindly get back to me on time. iam waiting please..As already now,you know my current situation here in this new country iam .

And please kindly send to me your picture/contacts address.Here is my pictures for you.

Please Dear,do not delay to get back to me please.we must be of great help to each other

Thanks for your understandings and cooperations.

yours future partner,

Monica Riche
My response dated 1/18/2010

Hey Mon Mon,

Count me in. But let's settle something right now.

I'm also dating Razia, and her hat is missing. I think you stole it. Give it back.

Also, I expect a sincere apology.

There's no point in proceeding until this happens.

Todd O'Hocketsmitch
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 2010 04:44:57 +0800
Subject: RE: Hi

Please dearest tell me if you are able to solve this matter out with me then i can count you in.we must be of great help to each other.thanks.Monica.
My response, sent 1/19/2010

Look Hat Thief,

Razia's pee-oh'ed at you. She told me to tell you that you'd better get that hat back to her ASAP. For me, the formal apology is a more important gesture than the returning of the hat. The hat is a crappy piece of felt with a feather. The apology is the very bedrock of the foundation of our business partnership. I often find, in these situations, a nice verse works well. Doesn't have to rhyme. Just show a little creativity.

Razia's exact words last night on the phone: "Don't you make me come over there and get that hat myself." Apparently you two live near one another and know one another. Please make this situation right. Then we can move forward.


Todd O'Hocketsmitch



  1. Wow. I think you open those emails I delete. Too funny!

  2. sAm I used to get three or four a day. Now it's one every two weeks. I think I'm on a block list now.