the herman letters: Post # 73 - War On Spam: Zongo Part 1 of 4 --His News of My Deceased Relative

The way this spam scam works:

Some guy somewhere sends me a note saying I have to pretend I’m some dead person’s relative so some money can be sent to my bank account. So I fill out an application and send it to a pretend banker person at a different email address. Part of this application includes my bank account number. I’m assuming that the different email addresses are the same person, and that this person uses my info to drain my bank account. Or there are a bunch of processing fees down a road that never leads to any reward. For whatever reason, I’ve never gotten that far.

So what happens if I tell the guy that I sent the application, but didn’t? Also, what happens if I take every opportunity to make fun of his name? And lastly, what if I take full advantage of his inferior knowledge of the English language.

This is a four parter due to length. It spans three weeks. It’s like a long ping pong volley.
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Date: Sun, 3 Jan 2010 16:31:55 +0100
Subject: URGENT ACTION HIGHLY NEEDED.
FROM: ZONGO ALI.
BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A)
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO
WEST AFRICA

DEAR FRIEND,

I KNOW THAT THIS MAIL WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE. I AM THE BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER BOA BANK HERE IN OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.

I HOPED THAT YOU WILL NOT EXPOSE OR BETRAY THIS TRUST AND CONFIDENT THAT I AM ABOUT TO REPOSE ON YOU FOR THE MUTUAL BENEFIT OF OUR BOTH FAMILIES.I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSFERRING THE SUM OF ($25.6)MILLION IMMEDIATELY TO YOUR ACCOUNT.THE MONEY HAS BEEN DORMANT FOR YEARS IN OUR BANKHERE WITHOUT ANY BODY COMING FOR IT.

I WANT TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEAREST PERSON TO OUR DECEASED CUSTOMER(THE OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT)WHO DIED A LONG WITH HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN IN AN AIR CRASH SINCE JULY 2000.I DON'T WANT THE MONEY TO GO INTO OUR BANK TREASURY AS AN ABANDONED FUND. SO THIS IS THE REASON WHY I CONTACTED YOU, SO THAT WE WILL RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEAREST PERSON TO THE DECEASED CUSTOMER.

PLEASE I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KEEP THIS PROPOSAL AS A TOP SECRET AND DELETE IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED.UPON RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY,I WILL SEND YOU FULL DETAILS ON HOW THE BUSINESS WILL BE EXECUTED AND ALSO NOTE THAT YOU WILL HAVE 40% OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED SUM IF YOU AGREE TO TRANSACT THE BUSINESS WITH ME.PLEASE CONTACT ME THROUGH THIS E-MAIL ADDRRES azongo@voila.fr)

1) Your Full Name.............................
2) YourAge.......................................
3) Marital Status.................................
4) Your Cell Phone Number…………..
5) Your Country………………..............
6) Your Occupation.............................
7)YOUR SEX....................................
8) Your Religion.................................

THANK'S AND HOLPING TO HEAR FROM YOU

MR.ZONGO ALI.
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My response, dated 1/3/2010

Dear Mr. Zongo Badda-Ding-Ding-Dongo,

I was holping for an opportunity like this to come along. I see you’re a fan of the caps lock. I am very trusting of you. I’ve always relied on the kindness of strangers.

I had a number of different relatives die in air crashes in July of 2000, so can you be more specific? Which one was it? Parent? Spouse? Sibling? Cousin? Son or daughter? Aunt or Uncle?

1) My Full Name is Jeromius Von CheddarBurger
2) My Age is 65.
3) I think I’m married--unless that relative was my spouse on that air crash.
4) I don’t have a cell phone. They cause cancer, and the government traces our whereabouts and conversations (even when they aren’t on)
5) My country is USA
6) My Occupation is: I run the Von CheddarBurger Bed and Breakfast
7) I’m a boy.
8) Why do you need my religion? If you must know, I’m part of a new hybrid religion: Buddhist-Presbyterian.

Let me know the next step.

Jeromius Von CheddarBurger
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To: azongo@voila.fr
Subject: RE: URGENT ACTION HIGHLY NEEDED.
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 2010 21:43:52 -0500

Hey. Zingo-Zongo-Zing-Zing-Zongo,

They say on a winning team, sometimes the leader has to call out the other members of the team who are phoning it in.

You're on my team. We're winners. But right now, I feel like there's only one set of footprints. I'm carrying your ass. Let's go.

On a good team, members have cool nicknames. You're covered. I need one. I was thinking "Hoss" or "Big Hugo". Let me know.

Also, we need to do whatever the next step is.

Thanks.

Jermonius
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From: zongoali01@hotmail.fr
Subject: Waiting for your urgent reply
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 2010 08:26:25 +0000

Mr Jermonius

I am not convince of your information’s provided and some of your words, are you really interested in this transaction at all?

Waiting for your urgent reply

Thanks

Mr ZONGO ALI
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To: zongoali01@hotmail.fr
Subject: RE: Waiting for your urgent reply
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 2010 06:19:40 -0500

Mr. Zongo Zongo Pumpkin Pie, Who Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry,

I am indeed very interested. What information's are you questioning?

Over here, I'm still waiting for some information's from you to show that you are interested.

Namely: 1) Which of my relatives perished in the plane crash? 2) Where's my cool nickname.

Let's do this thing. I'm excited! And afterwards, let's the two of us go on a trip. Somewhere crazy like Greece.

Thanks,

Jermonius
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From: zongoali01@hotmail.fr
Subject: Go through details of this transaction carefully
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 2010 19:44:05 +0000

Dear Jermonius

Go through details of this transaction carefully, though I am very happy for your kind reply, I assured of your capability and reliability to champion this business opportunity. I believe that God has a way of helping who is in need.

My name is MR ZONGO ALI I am bill and Exchange (assistant) Manager of the bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. Do not take this transaction to be a joke because it is my life.

So I want you to apply to our bank as the next of kin to our decease customer, so that this money would be transferred into your account in your country, after in which we shall visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.

Base on this, I will advise you to feel free, all is well. i studied this transaction very well before contacting you for assistance. Well, having served this bank for so many years now and nearing my retirement,

I deem it necessary to utilise this opportunity of the present unclaimed sum of money in the account sent in conjunction with the first proposal I sent to you to help my self and my family after my retirement, through the investment I will establish in your country with my percentage in the transaction.

There is no doubt about your eligibility as the legal next of kin to our deceased customer and owner of the account number NBOA 4934109, with the following reasons:

(a)Before the death of our deceased customer, his true next of kin was not indicated to the board of directors of the bank because of the top secrecy and confidentiality of the transactions which our late customer transacted with the various governments in West Africa.

(b)Owning to his failure to indicate his next of kin to the officials of the bank, it is therefore impossible for the board of directors of the bank to verify the next of kin as well as the true heartier of the fund.

(c)And for the above reasons, the managements of the bank authorised me officially as the executive manager, bill and exchange department of the bank to verify the next of kin to our deceased customer. Therefore, the bank will always abide by my official directions through the official authorisation best-tow on me.

And for this reasons you have nothing to fear as your interest and identity will be legally protected. All you have to do is this; you have to arrange a good receiving Bank account where you shall receive this money without any problem, I shall be giving you all the developmental information from the bank as soon as this transaction commences.

I know that you will not betray me when this money enters into your account in your country. I have all my hope in this transaction because I shall soon go on retirement. I am a simple banker whose credibility is still intact and with my maturity and understanding, I promise to give you the best co-operation.

We must hurry up with this transaction so that our bank and the government shall not claim and inherit this money because it has over-stayed.

I will be waiting for your immediate respond so that I will give you the text of application which you will use to apply to our bank as next of kin.

For easy communication here is my number +226 78 68 65 92

Best regards.

MR ZONGO ALI
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My response on 1/7/2010:
Dear Mr. Zongo Zongo For Whom I Write My Songo, For Whom I Bang My Bongo, So Won’t You Sing Alongo,

Your credibility is intact indeed! I trust you. I get it now—I’m pretending a relative died and I’m the next of kin. We’re pulling a fast one. This is fun!

I’m 100% on board. Let’s do this. Give me the application. In the meantime, I’m developing a backstory about my next of kin, in case we get questions.

Here’s what I have so far:

-She was my Maternal Grandmother Libby Von ShroomBerger

-She loved oatmeal cookies, but loathed oatmeal.

-She was working as a magician’s assistant for Houdini, on the day he got punched in the tummy.

-She never drove a car, yet was an accomplished NASCAR Driver

-Her beef vegetable soup tasted like chicken noodle soup, and vice versa (I think she had the recipes mis-labeled).