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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Post # 302 - Beano 2.0

This was submitted on the Beano website on 3/4/13.

Dear Beano,

So often, I eat something without planning ahead.  As I enjoy my chili, my shrimp ring, my garlic pesto, my  tamales, I don't think about the cramped elevator, the crowded airport shuttle and bumpy roads, the lengthy meetings where one could hear a pin drop.  The quiet confessional with the elderly archbishop in the tall hat.

Finally, in frustration, I screamed at the top of my lungs, "There has got to be another way!"

I'm calling for the development of a quick fix--something I can take after the fact, rather than at the scene of the crime.  Something I can take as I seek shelter and refuge from the mighty storm-a-brewin'.  A life raft of sorts, in a sea of embarrassment.  I'm calling for a "Morning After" Beano Pill.

Thinking ahead, this pill will be a "storm chaser."  It will need to travel faster than the thing that it's chasing.  OR, we could approach this from another direction.  A pill "taken another way."  To borrow from the Fonz, the slogan could be, "Beano 2.0: Sit on it!"

Let Me Know What You Think.

No Reply.

Follow-up sent on 3/13/13

Dear Beano,

You never replied.  I submitted a proposal over a week ago.  Maybe you're still digesting it.  (See what I did there?).

To review, my proposal is a "morning after" Beano pill--something to be taken in hindsight, but before the onslaught of fireworks and fragrances.  In the past week, I've made arrangements with a local judge to allocate some "criminal-on-the-mend" types for a community release project.  Rather than pick up roadside garbage, these fellows ingest crock pots full of my chili, and then ingest my early prototype pills.  We then measure their gas output using a stopwatch, a ruler, a balloon, and a special "fitting."

There are two approaches that I've been exploring--these were both covered in my previous correspondence.

1) What I call a "storm chaser" --something to travel faster than the brown squall.  My early work has shown that any medication that travels faster, doesn't "know where to stop" and ends up passing the problem area altogether.

2) Against the Wind.  A suppository.  I trialed three different versions. Illustrations are attached. Version A, Yellow Dynamite lacked any oomph.  Version B, Green Silencer, did little to make things quiet.  Version C, Orange Obstruction, did exhibit some success.  I believe this was in part, due to its' size and cork-like geometry.  Several testers noted that Version C, while effective, was somewhat "intrusive."  One tester asked if it could be made larger, and if I had more chili.  I need to go back and find out what his offenses that lead him to my program.

In any case, I'm wondering if you want in.  Wanna go halfsies on a new product?  Your name, my know-how.  Beano 2.0.




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Friday, April 5, 2013

Post # 299 - Banquet - Crumby Chicken Nuggets

Dear Banquet,

I am a loyal and lifelong customer.  When it comes to parties, festive occasions, wakes, and everyday meals, I count on Banquet.  One might say that I'm 54% composed of Banquet Chicken.

When I decided to host a Super Bowl party, what was on the top of my shopping list?  Several guest suggested boneless buffalo wings from Buffalo Wild Wings.  One guest's wife works at Hooters, and could have gotten me the famous Hooter Wings at a discount.  I said, "Nope.  I'm a Banquet Man."

I purchased your 15 ounce chicken nuggets --delicious breaded nugget shaped chicken patties.  The serving size on the box is about five servings of six nuggets each.  Just enough for me and my five guests.

Except, when I opened the box, I found 24 nuggets and a VERY big pile of crumbs.  My guests grew hungry and left before halftime.  My party was labeled a dud.

What gives with all the crumbs?  Are crumbs cheaper than chicken?  Is that your game?  Short change the loyal customer to save a few pennies and make the stock rise a quarter point?  I'm very disappointed and discouraged.  I may just try one of those fancy chain restaurants with the busty female servers and the 86 different sauces.



P/S. - Your code you'll be asking for is 5008 2332 000106 29P107.
Subject: Consumer Affairs Email Response (Case#: 61494169)
Date: Monday, February 4, 2013, 2:36 PM

Hello Jerry, 

Thanks for your email. I appreciate your purchases and your loyalty to our Banquet brand!

I am so sorry to hear you had this experience with our Chicken Nuggets! I am thankful you emailed us so I can get all of the details you supplied over to our Food Safety and Quality experts. Jerry, please know this isn't the experience we want you to have with our products so those details will be very helpful for us.

I am sending coupons your way via regular mail. Please give us another try.
I hope you have a great day!

Consumer Affairs Representative
ConAgra Foods
Case: 61494169
True to their word, a set of coupons arrived with an apology.  The primary coupon was redeemable for a Conagra product up to $8.99.

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