I sent this on 4/29/2011:
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Dear Trojan,
As Bear Trainer at the local zoo, I have a constant flow of young trainees. Some crash and burn. Others succeed and progress onto fame and fortune, mentioning me in their award speeches. Many mornings, my young trainees come in boasting of their romantic conquests, thanks in part to your condoms and lubes.
With so much passion invested in my craft, I have zero time to use any of your products. For me, these bears are my family and my friends. Their antics and schedules fill up my social calendar. I love them, and they love me. Our mutual trust circumvents any threat of a “Siegfried and Roy” moment. With that in mind, I have a real bone to pick with you folks.
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Dear Trojan,
As Bear Trainer at the local zoo, I have a constant flow of young trainees. Some crash and burn. Others succeed and progress onto fame and fortune, mentioning me in their award speeches. Many mornings, my young trainees come in boasting of their romantic conquests, thanks in part to your condoms and lubes.
With so much passion invested in my craft, I have zero time to use any of your products. For me, these bears are my family and my friends. Their antics and schedules fill up my social calendar. I love them, and they love me. Our mutual trust circumvents any threat of a “Siegfried and Roy” moment. With that in mind, I have a real bone to pick with you folks.
Once a month, I make my way to the local store. Between the toothpaste aisle and the foot care aisle, there are pharmaceutical aisles. Aisles with lubes, condoms, sponges, pregnancy tests, and diapers-sort of a progression. There are always awkward teens milling about, trying to decide what “other product” to purchase to avoid "picture me putting these things on" awkwardness as the 50 year-old female cashier rings them up. While dealing with this awkwardness, I saw something that offended me. Trojan “Bear Skin” condoms.
Look, I get it—“big bad bears.” Scare the crap out of Goldie Locks. Always chasing hikers, eating VW Bugs, knocking over minivans. Stealing pick-a-nick baskets. "Well, now it's our turn. Look Honey. Look what I brought home." The mental image of Ted Nugent, donning the loin cloths, slaying a big bear, ripping off some bear flesh to craft a makeshift prophylactic, and consummating his marital vows with his lady, all while the rest of the bear flesh cooks itself on a roaring fire for a delightfully gamey post-coital supper. Very cute. Very manly. Nice marketing. I'm not buying it!
Look, I get it—“big bad bears.” Scare the crap out of Goldie Locks. Always chasing hikers, eating VW Bugs, knocking over minivans. Stealing pick-a-nick baskets. "Well, now it's our turn. Look Honey. Look what I brought home." The mental image of Ted Nugent, donning the loin cloths, slaying a big bear, ripping off some bear flesh to craft a makeshift prophylactic, and consummating his marital vows with his lady, all while the rest of the bear flesh cooks itself on a roaring fire for a delightfully gamey post-coital supper. Very cute. Very manly. Nice marketing. I'm not buying it!
I’m disgusted about this. It’s not politically correct. It’s…disgusting. I’d like you to consider going back to latex. Plain smelly latex. The kind that makes everything smell like circus balloons and dishwashing gloves. Is that so wrong?
Sincerely,
Jerry
From: Church and Dwight Consumer
Subject: Reply from Web Form Regarding Trojan® Condoms, Ref Number: 004761729A
Date: Wed, 4 May 2011 13:00:14 -0400
Our ref: 004761729A
Dear Jerry:
Thank you for contacting us and expressing your dissatisfaction with Trojan® BareSkin™ Lubricated Condoms. As a consumer of Church & Dwight Co., Inc. products, you are important to us and we appreciate receiving your comments.
However, Trojan® BareSkin™ Lubricated Condoms are 40% thinner than our standard condoms. They have a silky-smooth lubricant for comfort and sensitivity and are made from premium quality latex. They also have a low latex odor and a special reservoir end for extra safety.
Trojan® BareSkin™ Lubricated Condoms are not manufactured with bear skin. The product name has to do with the fact that these condoms are thinner compared to our standard condoms.
Again, thank you for taking the time and having the interest to contact us about your issue.
Kerri
Consumer Relations Representative
004761729A
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To: Church and Dwight Consumer
Subject: Reply from Web Form Regarding Trojan® Condoms, Ref Number: 004761729A
Date: Wed, 1 June 2011 Our ref: 004761729A
Dear Kerri,
Nevermind.
Thanks,
Jerry
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Absolutely hilarious! Especially your reply to Kerri. Fantastic!
ReplyDeleteThanks Justin- this thing isn't letting me post as myself. Thanks for reading.
ReplyDeleteJerry