In one letter, Mr. Zongo threatened me, that:
Listen very carefully Mr Jermonius i don’t contact you in this transaction for play ok, so if you’re out for business better be serousSo I thought, two people, similar interests (ripping people off), who live 50 miles apart. Hmm...
My cousin, Todd O’Hocketsmitch, gave me your contact information. He told me that you’re 26, single, sexy, and an entrepreneur. He mentioned something about his girlfriend’s hat that you borrowed. Whatever. He told me you’re in Senegal (West Africa).
I have a great friend and business partner, Mr. Zongo Ali, in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. He is also an entrepreneur, and one heck of a great guy. I am using this email as an introduction. Attached is a nice picture of Monica, and my rendition of what Mr. Zongo Ali might look like. Mr. Zongo Ali, please feel free to forward a more recent photo.
Monica likes dressing up. She loves golds and diamonds. Mr. Zongo is definitely not an avid skier—I can’t seem to get him on those slopes.
Well, I assume both of you like to eat. How about a meal on me, at the midway point, Mopti? There’s a great Sizzler there. I’d be pleased to set up a meeting for you too. I’ll even book separate rooms in the neighboring hotel, in case you two get chatty and lose track of time.
Now Mr. Zongo Ali, I expect you to behave like a gentleman. Don’t get too grabby. Monica, you make sure to leave room for the Holy Spirit. Mr. Zongo Ali can be assertive when you have something he wants. Resist temptation. Slap him around a little if necessary. You both know what I’m saying—not too fast. Take this time to enjoy getting to know one another. All I ask is an invitation to the wedding.
Jermonius VonCheddarburger (And Todd O’Hocketsmitch)
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:17:06 +0800
Subject: Bls: Introduction
Dear, you sound so much funny.i only asked you to help me back to my country. or you come down here for me. thanks that is all.care for me and tell me when you are to send the help to me. or when you are to come here.from,Monica.
My response to Monica and Zongo, sent 1/28/2010
Unfortunately, running a Bed and Breakfast is a 24/7 proposition. Someone has to fill the troughs with slop. Someone has to answer a call at 10:30 at night for Lady Higgleston’s turn down service. Someone has to dash upstairs with a plunger because Mr. Sundunton doesn’t realize that if it’s not “going down” you should stop flushing and get some help.
That someone is me.
But worry not, Mon Mon. I’ve sent you an angel. And that angel’s name: Mr. Zongo Ali. I’ve noticed through our notes, he has been very very quiet. This could mean one of two things:
1) He is very shy and petrified by your beauty. If this is the case, please offer him some encouragement. Make the first move. Fight for him! But don’t make him take his shoes off—Mr. Zongo has quite a foot odor problem.
2) Mr. Zongo Ali has already “closed the deal”. He talks a big game. We’ll see.
What’s the story Mr. Zongo Ali?
The future or Moni-Zongo is really up to you two. I’ve brought you together, like a beautiful cupid. Take that next step.
Follow-up on 1/30/2010:
I hate being in the middle. Mr. Zongo Ali, as it turns out, is very, very shy. He holds you in very high regard. He’s freshly out of a long relationship, and much like a wounded finch. He needs some encouragement to get back on those malodorous feet.
He wanted me to ask you three questions.
1) He doesn’t want your first date to be on my dime, but he has some problems with the Sizzler. Some of the food sets off his IBS. Fair enough. Also, he’s on a fixed budget. Would a picnic on the lawn across the street from the Sizzler be acceptable? Mr. Zongo Ali is prepared to assemble a lovely-yet-frugal-feast.
2) Would it be acceptable if Mr. Zongo Ali brought along his mother? She would like to meet you before you two fall too madly in love. She had problems with the last one. You can understand—he’s a bit of a mama’s boy. Also, his Aunt, Nana, and older sister Stephanie would like to come. Gossip at the coffee shop has grown dull, and you seem interesting to them.
3) Mr. Zongo Ali is wondering if you’re into any “weird stuff”. He was quick to correct my wording when I used the word “fetish”, but Mr. Zongo Ali likes to wear a diaper. He’s hoping you’re cool with that. I personally think he’s repressing something.
PS-Zongo—call your mom—it’s been three hours.