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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Post # 149 - Bonaventure Skating Rink and The King of Pop - 4/14/2010

A friend of mine, Shondira , took her kids to this skate rink one afternoon.  She described a normal roller skate rink experience, until a Michael Jackson song came on.  A giant screen came down and POOF!!! Michael Jackson video.  Soon skaters became spectators.

Subject: MJ

Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2010 22:18:06 -0400

Dear Bonaventure Skate Rink,

My cohorts and I sell insurance for a living by day. Sell, sell, sell. By night, we decompress as members of an all male roller derby team, the Upper Deckers. Skate, skate, skate.

We keep our craft sharp by having bi-weekly skate lunches. These are meant to keep us limber and loose, to build camaraderie, and to strategize—to come up with new and innovative plays and patterns for our craft.

Last Thursday, our door-to-door business found us in Farmington Hills at lunch. One of the crew used his yellow pages to locate your rink.

We skated and skated and skated. We loved it. Great mix of music, great crowd. Until…Michael Jackson came on. Suddenly, as though he is more spectacular than the Gibb Brothers (um…ever heard of the Bee Gees?), a screen came down.

With the screen down, and Jacko gyrating to the beat of his own music, the once-safe skating patrons suddenly became patrons. People stopped and gazed, creating VERY UNSAFE conditions. One of my peers, Term Life Ted, collided with a 13 year-old, who tried to pick a fight. They didn’t end up fighting, and in the end, Ted bought Joseph a frozen beverage in the snack bar.

What’s the deal with the screen? Do you think that’s safe? Why not re-introduce Jart Nite?



No Reply


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Post # 148 - Chex Mix Has No Nutritional Value and Rhonda is Fake - 4/29/2010

Dear General Mills,

When I look at a box of Chex, I see 10 to 25 percent of most of the important vitamins and minerals. When I look at your Chex Mix package, I see 2 percent of calcium, protein, and iron. Nutritionally void. I get more vitamins and minerals when I accidentally swallow a mosquito while running at dusk.

I get it. Chex is cereal, competing against Product 19, Special K, Total. And other fortified cereals. Chex Mix is a snack, competing against Cheetos, Potato Chips, popcorn, and other nutritionally void foods. By cutting the fat content, you’re a healthier alternative. As a result, the bean counters at General Mills probably said “let’s pad the profit margin and cut out the nutrients.” Let’s lower our standards to those around us.

I know. People shouldn’t be relying on snack foods for nutrition. People should eat balanced meals, low in fat, high in fiber, with all of the vital vitamins and minerals. Households with two working parents, or a single mom and a deadbeat dad, send Tommy to school with a Pop Tart for breakfast, and a five-spot for lunch Tommy orders hot lunch in the cafeteria, that consists of chicken nuggets, tater tots, and a room temperature peach wedge in heavy syrup.

Wouldn’t it be nice if Chex Mix picked up some of the slack when Tommy gets home from school? Maybe a little Vitamin A for eyesight and growth. B1 for nervous system, digestion, muscles, and heart. B2 for skin, nails, hair, sensitive lips and tongue, eyesight, the breakdown of protein, fat and carbohydrate. B12 for making red blood cells, and the formation of the nerves. Vitamin C for immune system, healing wounds, reducing cholesterol, , preventing scurvy. Vitamin D and calcium for bones and teeth. Vitamin E for fighting toxins. Iron for blood cells, and immunity.

Maybe throw in a little more fiber, so Tommy doesn’t have to push so hard.

What’s it cost you? A nickel or dime per bag to fortify it? A nickel or time to launch Chex Mix as the elite nutritional snack?

Otherwise, what’s the motivation not to buy fortified generic cereal that looks and tastes a lot like Chex, and make my own mix?



Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2010 12:59:40 -0500
Subject: Your Response From "General Mills" - 2010/04/30-0568 ZRS

Dear Jerry:

Thank you for contacting General Mills. Your comments are important to us.

We are committed to making a difference in the lives of our consumers. Feedback such as yours is important to the nature of our business.

We appreciate your loyalty and the time you took to contact us. Please be assured that we will share your thoughts with the appropriate individuals.


Rhonda Short
Consumer Services

Subject: RE: Your Response From "General Mills" - 2010/04/30-0568 ZRS
Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2010 23:55:55 -0400

Dear Rhonda,

I think you're a robot, or a fictitious character, invented to send robotic responses to people's concerns, comments, observations, and questions. "Short" may stand for "Short, prefabricated, formy response to your concern. Back in June of last year, you responded as follows, to a letter that I wrote about Bac*O Bits. Mind you, the letter was more positive than my Chex Mix letter, hence the more positive forminess.

Dear Jerry:

Thank you for contacting General Mills regarding Betty Crocker Bac*O Bits. We appreciate the time you have taken to share your positive feedback with us. We will be very happy to pass on your comments to the product team.

We are committed to creating the highest quality products for our consumers. Feedback such as yours helps us achieve this goal for the future.

We appreciate your loyalty and hope you continue to enjoy our products.


Rhonda Short

Consumer Services

Does that sound familiar? I lectured you back then about phoning it in. I'm lecturing you now about the same thing.

Stop phoning it in! I'm assuming I won't hear anything back from those appropriate individuals. I'm assuming I won't hear back from you, unless I activate the correct subroutine in the General Mills supercomputer, which seems pointless, since it's a wall constructed from form letters. I'm assuming the General Mills factories will continue to pump out the same nutritionally devoid Chex Mix for the masses.

Since this is probably our last correspondence, have a nice life. That is, if you're real.


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Monday, October 11, 2010

Post # 147 - War on Spam: Gary and the Bowling Alley - 4/22/2010

Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2010 01:42:00 +0200
Subject: Confirm your Ł1,350.000 winnings

Dear: Sir/Madam

This is to bring to your notice that your e-mail address have just won the sum amount of Ł1,350,000.00 (One Million Three Hundred and Fifty Thousand Great British Pounds) from our Monthly online Bonanza Promotion, With the below winning information's:

To claim your winning cash prize you are to contact:

Sir Gary Millington
Head Winning Claims Dept

And provide him with your below correct detail's:

1.Full Name:
3.Marital Status:
8.Country Of Residence:
9.Mobile Number:
10.Fax Number:
11.Email Address:

Further information's about your winning prize will be given to you by Sir Edward Martin as soon as you contact him at the earliest, and note that you must be 18 years and above before you can claim your cash prize.


Christina Becker
CO-Ordinator / Announcer
Irish Lottery Commission
Subject: RE: Confirm your Ł1,350.000 winnings
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2010 23:09:57 -0400

Dear Sir Gary,

As a new business owner, I'm swimming in debt. This is truly a godsend. See, I decided to combine my two favorite things: bowling and ladies, into one. I own a Gentleman's Club/Bowling Alley! I haven't made a dime yet, but I'm having a ball, if you pardon my pun

Let me get my hands on that dough!!

My information is:

1.Full Name: Red Devilham-Spread
2.Address: 35 East Slick Lane Gutterball Village, MA 21242
3. Marital Status: Are you kidding? I own a Gentleman's Club/Bowling Alley!!!
4.Occupation: Owner, "Mammory Lanes"
5.Age: 21
6.Sex: Male
7.Nationality: Norwegian-Icelandic
8.Country Of Residence: USA
9.Mobile Number: 877-952-8787
10.Fax Number: No fax
11.Email Address: see above, silly

Come on by the alley, Gary. I'll put the bumpers up for you (you seem like the bumper type).



Monday, October 4, 2010

Post # 146 - Kellogg Frosted Shards 1/4/2010

Dear Tony The Tiger,

I work in a firehouse. Our crew covers an 8 square mile neighborhood in our classic red Pierce pumper fire engine. Nothing fills us with the energy we need, like a morning bowl of Frosted Flakes. It’s part of THIS nutritious breakfast.

Frosted Flakes contain eleven essential vitamins and minerals, plus an entire day's allotment of sugar. Sometimes, when chief hasn't made it to the grocery store, and supplies are low, I get up a little early (before the others), slide down the pole, and sneak a bowl.

Yesterday morning, I was mid-bowl when the alarm rang. I hastily shoveled whatever I could into my mouth. I quickly chewed and swallowed. Mother of All Creatures Big and Small--that tore up my throat! It hurts to talk. What I discovered from this is: Kellogg Frosted Flakes, when eaten hastily, are like little sugary shards of broken glass. That's right--she's a fickle mistress--she'll get you when you're not paying attention.

My suggestion is, why not redesign the flake. Start with a more rounded edge. You could even have someone at the end of the assembly line with a dremel, working each flake.

My other idea: construct the flake sort of like safety glass--no sharp pieces. Have the flake made up of perforated rounded subsections.

What can we do? How do we fix this? How do you comfort the little children who complain about this same thing?



Subject: Kellogg's® Consumer Affairs 020649843A
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 2010 21:32:21 -0600


It was nice of you to want to share your suggestion with us. While your idea is not new to us, we appreciate your interest and the time you took to submit this idea.

Our company devotes a great deal of time and effort to developing new and improved products, packaging concepts, promotions and merchandising ideas, such as recipe ideas and alternate serving suggestions, to make our products the best on the market. We hope that you will agree we are on the right track here.

Please visit to share a new product or promotion idea, a recipe idea or a suggestion for improving the food or packaging performance of a current Kellogg products. Please share your Big Idea with us.

We appreciate your interest in our company.



Consumer Affairs Department
My response on 1/5/2010

Dear Aime,

I find it hard to believe you thought of taking a dremel to a flake, or designing a flake of corn like a sheet of safety glass. But they say Edison stole the light bulb idea too.

Look—I don’t really want a check. I’m not looking for my name on the box. I just want a safer breakfast for me and the boys down at the station. If letting you take credit gets the wheels in motion, than “Great Idea!”

Keep up the good work!

Kellogg sent me a follow-up survey, asking if I was satisfied (no), if their response seemed scripted (yes), whether I was involved on social networking sites, and discussed products and services (hell yes).  There was only one window for commentary, which I used to voice my complaint: