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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Post# 226 - Rally's Hamburgers: Let's Introduce the OtterBurger

Below is a note from Herman Letters Staffer Larry Barnowski, sent on January 28, 1998 to Mr. James Gillespie, CEO of Rally's Hamburgers, Inc.  It was sent with a small sample of some mystery meat.
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Dear Mr. Gillespie,

I don’t get along with people.  They anger me with their fancy-shmantzy cars, electricity, and indoor plumbing.  I feel more comfortable on my own, in the wild, where things are simpler.  The only time I expose myself to civilization is on my monthly trip into town for supplies (matches, blankets, ammunition, lamp oil).  People laugh and point, but put them in my element and they’d starve to death.  I dread these trips, which are made easier by only one thing...a hearty meal at the local Rally’s.    

Your food items border on ecstasy.  The Big Buford drips into my beard and I smell  of ketchup for weeks!  And your helpers that take my order and give me my food are wonderful.  Don’t get me wrong-- I’m likely to turn around and punch somebody in the chops because I don’t like people talking to me unless the dialog is somehow related to retrieving my supplies or delivering my food.  

To afford my supplies, I made several investments, one of which is your stock.  As a shareholder, I feel it is my duty to offer suggestions to catapult Rally’s into the 21st Century.  Thus, I will make this exception and speak my mind. 

I noted as I was eating my last Buford, that you use 100% Beef.  Why Beef?  As an expert on animal flesh, I contend that the flesh off a dead Otter carcass is the best, followed by deceased Wildebeast flesh in a distant second place.  Once you’ve eaten Otter, cow is bush league.  One ain’t lived ‘til they slug back a mason jar of moonshine with a big greasy Otter Burger.  Our forefathers survived on Otter when they settled this land. 

I trap Otters for their abundant meat.  The fur’s warm too!  I’m enclosing a sampling of Otter meat from a fresh kill.  Eat it at your own risk, as I don’t have no fancy shmantzy refrigerator.  Use it up quick because the couple days in the mail might make it slightly less-than-fresh.  Let me know how you feel about the prospect of the first ever mass-produced fast food OtterBurger.

If you like it good enough we can discuss buying me a bunch of traps and ice coolers and I can sell you some Otter meat.  If not at least you tried it.   I have some recipes if you’re interested.  Thanks for making my trips into town more bearable.  I’ll expect to hear back from you.

Welcoming Back Otter (The Other Red Meat),

 
Larry Barnowski
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 No Reply
----------------------
March 23, 1998
Mr. James Gillespie, CEO
Rally's Hamburgers, Inc.
10002 Shelbyville Rd., Ste. 150
Louisville, KY 40223

Dear Mr. Gillespie,

If I owned a company and someone went to a great deal of effort to offer a suggestion that might help me, I would certainly express some appreciation, even if I didn't care for the idea.  Loyal customers who care about the future of their favorite restaurants should be encouraged--not ignored like a rack of spare ribs at the Vatican on Good Friday.

I never received any reply to my January 28 letter and sample Otter meat.  I moved out into the woods because I don't get along very well with people.  I return to civilization every two months for supplies (lamp oil, fresh traps, quilts, canned goods, flint, etc.).  When I checked my Post Office Box there was no letter of acknowledgment. 

I went to a great deal of trouble to wrassle that Otter to the ground for you.  I killed it, ground the flesh, cooked it up, and sent a ground Otter patty for your sampling.  I said "hurry up and eat it before it goes bad."  I asked for some sort of response.

I would appreciate some form of response.  Show me that someone at Rally's appreciates their customers.  Otherwise, I won't be back.  I'll go across town to that local Arby's.

I Went to a Lot of  Bother Sending You That Otter,
Larry Barnowski
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Reply from Kenneth Weiss, Corporate Counsel, dated 4/13/1998:

Dear Larry,

Our Chief Executive Officer has forwarded your letter to me for a response.  Please accept our apologies for the delay in responding to you about your meat shipment.  We appreciate your interest in our products and thank you for the shipment.  However, Rally's Hamburgers, Inc., is committed to marketing a product line that does not contain wild game meat and we are therefore not in the market for purchasing otter meat from you.  I believe there are several restaurants that carry various types of wild game and perhaps they would be a more appropriate target market for your product.

Again, thank you for your interest.

Sincerely,

Kenneth L. Weiss
Corporate Counsel
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My note to Kenneth Weiss, sent 4/16/1998:

Dear Mr. Weiss,

Thank you for responding to my letter.  However, your response makes me feel still more angst toward society.  I found it odd that no one commented on the Otter meat that I sent.  I certainly hope I didn’t wrassle that beast to the ground and take it’s life with my bare fists, skin it, grind it’s flesh, cook it, package it, and mail it for nothing!  I’ll have you know that in the process, that thing bit me, and it became infected.  Luckily, I poured some moonshine on the wound, and it appears to be clearing up.  Although I am still foaming.  

You state in your letter that “Rally’s Hamburgers, Inc. is committed to marketing a product line that does not contain wild game meat and we are therefore not in the market for purchasing otter meat from you.”  I think the key words there are “from you.”  A commitment is something you pledge.  I’d like to see your “pledge” to not use wild game—I’d bet my cabin that it doesn’t exist.  I invite—nay—dare you to prove me wrong on that one.    

Suspicious about your true intentions, I asked the young cashier lad working at your local Rally’s, if he had heard anything about an Otter Burger coming soon.  He said in a coy way “anything is possible.”  I interpreted that as “yes, but I’m not allowed to talk about it.”  In any case, “anything is possible” seems to contradict your “commitment” to deprive the people of the wild game that they unknowingly crave.  I suspect you’re about to steal my idea and raise your own Otters because that meat tasted so good.  Well the true secret lies in the Otter feed, and you don’t have it.

I will be monitoring my local Rally’s to verify the fact that my “Otter Burger” idea is not used.  If you had been honest about it and said “we plan on marketing an Otter Burger, but we can farm our own Otters,” I would have given my blessing.  But I will take legal action, with your letter and the testimony of “Trevor the Cashier” as my body of evidence.  I have already sought legal counsel from my practitioner of law, and he has issued the following paperwork, which I would advise you to sign and return.  If Rally’s Hamburger, Inc. intends to uphold its “commitment” not venture into “a product line that contains wild game meat,” like you said, this will be a simple task.  However, if you cannot sign the form, we will proceed with legal action.  Thank you for your time.

Father of the Otter Burger,

Larry Barnowski
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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Post# 225 - Olga's: Stop Making Peasant Soup!! Peasants Are People Too! - 9/5/2011

Dear Olga's,


I've seen it all in my 93 years.  The Great War, the Depression, World War II, Korea, Vietnam, Grenada, Desert Storm, these new wars that I can't even name.  Throw in the Jackson's Victory Tour, and that's a lifetime.  Then, I learn that Olga's serves Peasant Soup.


Listen, I've made all kinds of soups--chicken soup, turkey soup, ham soup, pea soup, vegetable soup, tomato soup, lentil soup, broccoli cheddar soup, tortilla soup, venison soup, bean soup, and even shellfish soup.  I have never, however, served Peasant Soup.  Isn't that cannibalism?


I find this very offensive!!!


What Olga is basically saying is, Peasants aren't people like the rest of us.  Because they have less money than us, we can literally eat them.  I find this morally unacceptable.  I can't fathom ordering this, and yet when I was at Olga's last Wednesday, I saw a mother and her two sons ordering Peasant Soup. They ordered it very calmly, and without care or consideration of peasants everywhere!  It felt like they were ordering chili or minestrone, or any other normal soup.


Look--I love your menu.  Snackers, spinach pie, your three cheese olga--all are outstanding.  I just have an issue with the peasant soup because I don't think it's right.  I don't know how you've justified this with local law enforcement. I don't know how you've justified this with your creator.  I really don't know how you've justified it in your minds, but I think you should knock it off.


Sincerely,


Jerry
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My follow-up, sent 9/14/2011:

Dear Olga's,


Over a week ago, I brought a travesty to your attention.  I consider this one of the most disgusting and inhumane acts that I can think of.  I don't know how it's legal.  I don't know how it passes health code.  I don't know how you sleep at night.


Peasant soup.  This tradition must be stopped.  Peasants are people too!  I can't believe that no one has spoken up within the Olga'a rank and file.  It's like one big cult that accepts something terrible without question, and from external appearances, without care.


My Grandson, for his Eagle Scout Project, helped build shelters downtown for the poor, or as you would call them, peasants.  I told him to warn those folks about the Olga Round-Up truck.  How do you lure them?  Snackers?


I can't bear to see this inhumane act anymore.  I may write to my congressman!


Please consider stopping.  Chicken tastes like a lot of things--why not put chicken in the soup?  Instead of peasants.


Sincerely,


Jerry
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Subject: Olga's Kitchen feedback
Date: Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Jerry,


Thank you for recently contacting Olga’s Kitchen.

I would like to correct your misconception regarding our signature Peasant soup.  The name is indicative of the the style of the soup, as in rustic or provincial, featuring simple but  compelling flavors and ingredients.

We do not nor have we ever used peasants in the soup.

I’m happy to have cleared up your misconception.

Regards,

Quinn 
Executive Chef
Manager Menu Development
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Subject: Re: Olga's Kitchen feedback
Date: Wednesday, September 14, 2011, 2:32 PM

Dear Quinn,

Nevermind.

Thank you,

Jerry
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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Post# 224 - Save-A-Deer: My Deer-Repelling Car Whistle Seems To Be Not Working - 6/24/2011

Dear Save-A-Deer,
As someone who frequently drives up and down the windy roads of deer-inhabited wilderness, I have had some close calls with deer.  You see, I deliver transplant organs, serving as the “last leg in the relay”, from the airport to the hospital.   I dodge deer, probably once a week.
I had seen advertisements for your product, a whistle that would attach to the front of my car, deterring deer from running in front of it.  About a month ago, I installed your Save-A-Deer whistle in the front grill of my Subaru, according to the directions.  It’s hard to tell if it’s working.  I haven’t had any close calls, but the deer seem to gather on the roadside and watch me drive by, more-so than in the past. 
Often, after a delivery, I’ll unwind by heading into the state park for a nice picnic.  I make great potato salad, so I’ll often simply enjoy that, along with some sparkling water and a good book.  Twice within the past three weeks (since I installed the Save-A-Deer Whistle), I’ve encountered male deer “making nice” with my car.  The first time, it was one buck.  This last time, I encountered four of them really going at it with my tiny blue Subaru.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I let them “finish.”
I don’t mean to complain, but the whistle seems to be having an “opposite” effect.   Male deer seem attracted to my car—not in the “I’m gonna dart out in front of it” manner, but more in the “check out that pretty doe” manner.
Am I doing something wrong?  The instructions state that the whistle is effective at 35mph or faster.  The two incidents that I mentioned occurred with the vehicle stationary.  These deer may have been some of the spectators on the road when I was driving at speeds exceeding 35 mph.
I am just a little confused.  I doublechecked--the whistle is mounted according to directions,  small holes in front, and large holes in back.  Any information that you can provide is greatly appreciated.   I’d better go.  As I’m typing this, I’m looking out the window, at my Subaru, parked in the street.  The bucks are at it again.  My poor Subaru.
Sincerely,
Jerry
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Subject: RE: Question
Date: Sunday, June 26, 2011, 10:21 AM


Dear Jerry,

Thank you for contacting Living Products LLC in regards to the Save-A-Deer whistle. We are glad you have not had any accidents.

In your description of the installation, it sounds like you may have it backwards. The large holes should be facing the roadway for maximum air flow. The smaller holes should be facing the engine compartment of your vehicle. The air should travel through the larger holes and exit out the smaller holes. It is this reduction in air flow that creates the sound desired.
If you have mounted the whistle incorrectly, we will send you a replacement. Please let us know if you need another whistle.

If you have mounted the whistle incorrectly, we will send you a replacement. Please let us know if you need another whistle.

As to why the deer like your Subaru so much, we have no idea. It could be an odor from the car or the color of the vehicle. It is mating season for the bucks and they can do some very strange things at these times.

Thanks,

Mike
Living Products, LLC
www.deerwhistle.com
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Subject: Fw: RE: Question
Date: Sunday, June 26, 2011, 4:45 PM


Dear Mark,
You were right.  I goofed--it was on backward.  I removed it and installed a new one correctly.  It's a night and day difference.  The deer definitely freeze when they see me coming.
Best of all, they aren't rubbing themselves on my Subaru.

Thanks for your help.  What a great product!
Jerry
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Note to readers:


You can order these HERE.  I recommend them.  Look at the customer service!


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Friday, November 11, 2011

Post# 223 - My Ongoing Dialogue with the Detroit Tigers Part 2 of 2

This is Part II of my ongoing dialogue with the Detroit Tigers.  Part I is .HERE
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Sent: 05/31/2011 02:15 PM AST
Subject: RE: Next weekend

Hey Ron,


It's been a little while.


From what I heard, the Opening Day Sparky tribute was very nice.  I wasn't sure if that was your "baby".


I hope all is well with you.


Thanks,


Jerry
(XXX) XXX- XXXX
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Subject: Re: Next weekend
Date: Tue, 31 May 2011 14:20:48 -0400


Hi Jerry:

Good to hear from you. Sparky tribute was nice. Working on plans for June 26.

Talk by phone tonight? Wednesday?

Good time for me is between 6-6:30pm.

Best,
Ron
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Subject: RE: Next weekend
Date: Tue, 31 May 2011 14:39:20 -0400


Sure Ron- either of those will work.


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Subject: RE: Next weekend
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2011 00:16:53 -0400
Hey Ron,

I took my son to the game on Saturday night, while my wife and daughter enjoyed the Taylor Swift concert next door.    I thought I'd give you my review of the experience.

First, the ticket office—I bought tickets in 338.  The gentleman behind the glass was very helpful.  He gave my son (7) a schedule and told him “Verlander’s on the front.  He’s pretty good.”  It was a small touch, but my son took that schedule home and put it on his dresser.  Very classy.



The game was great.  I like the way they honor the military.  The fireworks were exceptional.  I’ve seen dozens of post-Tiger game fireworks, and it seemed (maybe I’m wrong) like they improved them.  All-in-all, a great experience.    

Circling back to the food: As far back as the early 1980’s, when my dad would take my brothers and me, my expectations for the ballpark food have always been pretty low.  I could pay $9 for cheese-sauce covered nachos, or go to Xochi’s after the game and get real nachos.  But when you go to other ballparks, the food has more character and local representation.  It’s not so generic.

Over the years, I’ve generally stuck to the hot dogs, and I feel they’ve gone downhill.  Back in the 80’s, they were all steamed.  Now, if you go one of the stands, they’re shriveled.  The Hebrew Nationals are an improvement, but I find them a little salty.  From what I saw in the food court, there was a Mexican counter, a hot dog counter, the Chinese food (which I tried once and thought was just so-so), the Sidekicks place with the chicken basket, Edy’s, and Little Caesars.  Didn’t there used to be a cheese steak place and a sandwich place?  It’s been a while.

Here are my suggestions.  I realize things are probably the way they are for a reason, and some of my ideas may have already been explored and not pursued for a reason.

First, I wouldn’t change anything about the remote food stands (like the one by 338).  The food there is what I would expect, and my personal penance for buying cheap seats.

Next, when I go to other cities, I love taking in the local foods.  I think it’s nice to have an ensemble of local foods at the ballpark for out-of-towners.  It’s also a great way to support those businesses and create awareness.  The Mud Hens have Ballreich potato chips.  Fenway has Clam Chowder.

I know we have Leo’s and Little Caesars, and I understand why.  I just think it would be cool to replace all of the generic food court restaurants with local businesses.  A “Slow’s To Go”, may one of the restaurants in Mexicantown could put together a street taco/tamale  stand, maybe one of the owners of one of the restaurants on the Dearborn/Detroit Border could do a Shwarma stand.   How about something incorporating zip sauce!

I’d love to see the sports bar that replaced the barbecue place be something like Redcoat Tavern or Snookers (minus the pool tables)—somewhere that I could get a great bar burger.  It would be cool to see Kowalski or Dearborn Sausage instead of Ballpark throughout the park.   I saw one of the carts had local beer.  I like that.  I wish it were more readily available around the stadium though.  What about the Faygo Porch?  Pepsi might not like that.  I’ll stop now.


To sum up, great overall experience for my son and I.  For someone less focused on the game, the food is probably a bigger deal.   It would be cool if Comerica Park had something “signature” that people in other cities would come home and rave about--bakery buns on the hot dogs or something.  I just figured that if I’m spending my food money elsewhere, other “foodie” people like me are doing the same.


Thanks,
Jerry
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Sent: 06/27/2011 09:48 PM AST
Subject: RE: Next weekend
Ron,


11 years ago, I went to Sparky Anderson Day to honor the man. It felt a little hollow because they didn't retire his number, and they should have.


Based on the fact that 5 months later, we haven't talked, I would assume that we're not going to talk.  I don't expect you to explain why the #11 retirement had to happen in 2011 instead of 1996 or 2000, because I understand the politics. Many, if not most fans feel like I do about this, and if I'm tired of hearing about it, I can only imagine how tired you are.


I took my family to the game on Sunday.  It was a last minute decision.  I went, not because I felt fine with all that has happened over the years.  I went because I wanted to honor Sparky.  I wanted my kids to see how revered a man he was.  His words, "It don't cost nothin' to be nice to people" are words to live by.  He made me think more about other people.  He bridged 3 generations--my Grandparents admired him.  It felt right being there--sort of like his wake. 


Under the circumstances, it was a beautiful ceremony.  Great participation from past players and personalities, and Sparky's kids and grandkids.  A nice video tribute, and the portrait is very nice.  For all of the things that you were able to do in this situation, you hit the ball out of the park.   It needed to happen, and it did, and it was as nice as it could have possibly been.  Nice job.


Thanks,


Jerry
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Subject: Re: Next weekend
Date: Tue, 28 Jun 2011 21:32:38 -0400


Jerry:

Appreciate the feedback. Pleased to hear you attended. It was a special moment in Tigers history regardless of past circumstances. A lot of planning and hard work went into the ceremony and we believe, by the fans reaction, they appreciated the presentation.

I think you'll agree, we have actually generated a dialogue, despite not connecting by phone, which we will at some point soon.

As always, your support of the Tigers is most appreciated and your thoughts and comments welcome.

Let's put tonight's game behind us and get'em tomorrow.

Best,

Ron--------------------------
Subject: RE: Next weekend
Date: Tue, 28 Jun 2011 21:54:57 -0400


Agree Ron--it really was nice. I could tell a lot of thought and effort went into it--inviting everyone, gifts, montage, speakers, etc. 


It made me want to go back and watch old footage.  It made me miss the old park, the organ, the hot dog smell, etc. 


My son is seven and starting to follow baseball more now.  I have that DVD set with the old games.  I'll probably show him some of those. I wish there was a George and Al channel.


Thanks,

Jerry



Saturday, November 5, 2011

Post# 222 - My Ongoing Dialogue with the Detroit Tigers Part 1 of 2

The Sparky Anderson number retirement has always been, for me, a hot topic.  It all started on Sparky Anderson Day at Comerica Park in 2000.  They let him ride around the park in a car, and he waved to the fans.  It should've happened then.  When Tom Wilson joined the team, I sent this note.  No reply.

Then, VP of Communications, Ron Colangelo and I had this exchange, where Ron stated that they would take a look at the possibility at the next organizational review.

Then, there was an article in the Detroit News on Sunday, January 23rd that set me off.  In it, Dave Dombrowski claimed that the retirement of Sparky's jersey has never come up in discussions.

I don't buy that.  At the same time, I realize that folks like Dave and Ron have to tow the company line and clean up messes created by those above and around them.  This is Part I of my dialogue with Ron over the course of five months.  Part II is HERE.
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Subject: RE: Sparky Anderson
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2011 11:32:15 -0500

Dear Mr. Colangelo,

When my kids tell a lie, they get grounded.  To me, it's the biggest form of distrust possible between two entities.  One lie can ruin an entire relationship.  How am I supposed to process a lie when it occurs between a fan, and his lifelong baseball team?

On October 23, 2009, (while Sparky was still alive) in the note attached, you stated "...but we will certainly take your endorsement into consideration for Sparky Anderson during our next organizational... review."


In today's Detroit News, Dave Dombrowski states: "Sometimes topics don't come up. ... The whole time I've been here (since November 2001), we've never had the discussion,"


Can you see why I'm upset?  Who's lying?  You to me?  Dave to the Tony Paul of the Detroit News?  Or the Detroit News to its readers?  I'm sure it's asking too much for you to explain this.  I'm sure you've got bigger issues in your hopper.  Just know that I'm thoroughly disgusted with the manner in which this entire situation has been handled.  From waiting to retire the number until Sparky was gone, to the lip service that's been doled out, either to me, or to the entire fan base.


I may not make it over to the ballpark this season.  I may not be able to stomach it.

Sincerely,

Jerry

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From: Ron.Colangelo
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2011 11:53:34 -0500

Jerry:

I welcome the opportunity to discuss this subject with you.  

Please let me know a time we can speak over the telephone next week.

Thank you,

Ron
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Subject: RE: Sparky Anderson
Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2011 00:20:08 -0500

Hey Ron,

I'd be happy to discuss this.  I've cooled down a little.  I realize there are multiple sides to things like this, with personalities and politics.  It's just very disappointing, the way it looks from the outside.

I bleed blue and orange.  I greatly admired Sparky.  Kaline, Horton, Tram, right down the line.  Frankly, I greatly admire Mr. Ilitch too. 

The best time for me during the week is after 5:00.   My cell number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.

I appreciate you getting back to me--I'm sure you're very busy.

Thanks,

Jerry

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Subject: Next weekend
From: Ron.Colangelo

Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2011 15:02:17 -0500


Jerry:

I would like to know if you are available sometime next weekend (Feb. 19 or 20) to speak by phone.  I will in Lakeland for Spring Training, and you said after 5:00 p.m. works best.  Please let me know a date, time and phone number.

Thanks,

Ron

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Subject: RE: Next weekend
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2011 22:02:29 -0500

Ron,

After 5 only applies to during the week.  How does Saturday 11:00 AM sound.  I assume you'll be busy down there, so if there's a better time, let me know.

XXX-XXX-XXXX


Thanks for following up!

Jerry 

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Note: there was a highly public off-the-field incident that week with our star player.  I figured this would be an "all hands on deck" situation in Lakeland, where the Tigers have their spring training.
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Subject: RE: Next weekend
From: Ron.Colangelo

Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2011 15:38:49 -0500

Jerry:

I haven't forgotten you.

Ron------------------------

Subject: RE: Next weekend
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2011 21:15:22 -0500

No worries, Ron.  When things were happening last week, I figured you'd be busy.
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Subject: RE: Next weekend
From: Ron Colangelo

Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2011 12:49:01 -0400

Let's talk this week!  It's the perfect time since the season is about to start.
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Subject: RE: Next weekend
Date: Tue, 29 Mar 2011 18:37:59 -0400

Sounds good Ron!  It's hard to tell you the best time to call.  My schedule is ever-changing these days.  If I'm not at work, I'm enjoying my hour commute or training for my upcoming half marathon or in the bleachers at my daughter's swim practice.   Feel free to call me whenever.

This is my favorite time of year.  I'm excited about the team, like the offseason moves, etc.  I went to a Reds/Angels game in AZ two weeks ago with my wife, kids, Dad and brother and had a great time.

Thanks!

Jerry
(XXX)XXX-XXXX

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To Be Continued.....

 
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