Dear Laxative Legion,
I love your Complete Bran Flakes. I eat them religiously, twice a day. My local grocer loves me. I saved his store from Chapter 11.
My story is one of a kid from a small, struggling town, with a dream—that of regularity. You see, for years I was bound up like a good mystery novel. Doctor visits for a “routine” cleaning were commonplace. Once, my high school gym teacher accidentally dropped my doctor’s note, only for Barry Ludwig to copy and distributes it to the lockers of every student. Nicknames like “Barium Brains”, “Mount Vesuvious”, and “No Flush” resulted.
Then, my Grandfather introduced me to Complete Bran Flakes. “Try these, Son.” He said “You won’t have to push so hard”. So I went down to Mad Jack’s Grocery Store and bought up every box. The next morning, I freed myself of two weeks worth of pressure. The local newspapers caught wind (no pun) of my recovery and put a picture of me with Mad Jack on the front page. The title read “Bounded Up Boy Battles Build-Up with Bran”. Jack offered me half ownership of his store (he was worth $1000 at the time). He was broke and needed my help.
The next morning, new customers suffering from the same affliction flocked Mad Jack’s store because he saved the “boy with the bowel bulge”. Porta-jons were delivered and placed on the side of the stores as hundreds participated in Mad Jack’s Medicine Show. These tourist dollars, combined with the revenue from our hats and T-shirts, helped Mad Jack get back on his feet. Before long, he had built a hotel/casino with an upscale restaurant! Outside investors watched as Jack’s businesses flourished, and the town as well--all because of a boy with a big problem. What can I say—I owe it all to Kellogg.
As a thank you, I decided that your product needs a catchy advertisement campaign. Something like “Kellogg’s Bran Flakes: You’ll Never have Time to Read that Newspaper”, or “With Friends Like Kellogg, Who Needs An Enema”, or my Grandfather’s kind advice: “Kellogg’s Bran Flakes: You Won’t Have to Push So Hard”. Feel free to use these, free of charge. I know, I’m not a Kellogg employee, but it’s the least I can do.
Also, feel free to dig into those deep Kellogg pockets and fire me off some coupons! We are like Bran Flakes and Milk. Without one, the other could never live in fulfillment. Take those words to heart.
Gotta Go—It’s Time for My “10:01”,
Reply from Consumer Specialist Dianne at Kellogg, 7/29/2009
Dear Mr. Barnowski,
It was thoughtful of you to take time to let us know how much you enjoy Kellogg’s Complete Bran Flakes. We’re always pleased to hear positive comments from our consumers, and are happy that this cereal has provided you with the fiber you need in your diet. Your letter was entertaining indeed!
We’re glad to have you as pat of our consumer family. All of the people at Kellogg devote a great deal of effort to developing wholesome, appealing products, and it is good to know that you think we have been successful.
Again, thank you for sharing your story, and we hope you will be able to put the enclosed coupons to good use.
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