Post #28 - Little Jerry versus President Clinton Vol 1. - 1/21/1996

This is the first of many letters to President Clinton. I had heard that it is difficult to get the Presidential Autograph. I thought I'd give it a try. This is as close to acting as I come. I sort of “became” a rambling third grader.


Dear President Clinton,

My name is Jerry. I’m a third grader. I voted for you in my class role model election. When I grow up, I will be President just like you. Did any Japanese people thank you when we gave them money after that earthquake? My mom always said you should write a nice note when someone gives you something nice or fancy.

In Social Studies Class I am doing my report on fixing the defisit. Its big. Heres my idea. I think we should tax the homeless people. Whenever daddy drives through the big city, they ask him for his money. He wont do it because he says they probably make more than he does. Besides once he bought a rolex watch from this guy and it turned his skin green in the shower.

I did a math problem to figure out a way to be fair. If there are 7 million homeless, we could tax them by the size of there box. At one dollar per square foot, and the average box is 8 square feet, that is (7,000,000 people x 1 dollar x 8 square feet) = 56 million dollars a year. That’s a lot of money. What do you think? I need information from you for my report. What would be neat is a nice fancy autograph picture to show my class and also Joey when I see him. So please tell me what you think. Please send an autograph.

Your Fan,

Jerry

P.S. What do you think of dogs?

Mother’s Note: Jerry’s Step-Father and I question his idea. He wrote George Bush when he was in kindergarten, and got an autographed picture. Is there any way you could do this for him? Thank you.

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
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Essay# 2 – Celebrities, Politicians, and the Almighty Autograph

When I was young, I was obsessed with autographs. My first autograph was Hank Aaron at a baseball card show, back in the mid-80’s. He seemed cordial enough—he thanked me for coming out. I missed a Boy Scout camping trip to wait in line for Ted Williams. Ted couldn’t be bothered to look up and say “hi” or “thanks”.

I decided to attack the baseball world via mail. I would pose as a six-year-old, writing letters to my favorite baseball players on that crazy lined paper that kids use. I would send two baseball cards and a self-addressed stamped envelope. Then I would wait.

Some days, I’d get three back in a day. Some came back signed, others stamped, and others unsigned. Many never came back. Some, like Mike Schmidt, came with a thank you note. Others never came back. Darrell Evans took ten years to send them back. I really respected him for not just throwing my letter and cards away.

Currently, there aren’t any autographs that I would want. I’ve decided that most celebrities are people I wouldn’t want to meet or know personally, with the exception of People like George Kell, Ernie Harwell, or Al Kaline. When I started writing to companies and public figures in the mid-90’s, I requested a few autographs. I don’t know why—maybe as a trophy of sorts. I’m not really sure why, but I have a picture of Dave Thomas hanging in my basement.

Last week, I finally found the three ring binder containing letters that I wrote to Bill Clinton. Back in 1996, he and I squared off—he as a political figure who is too busy to send an autograph, me as a six-year-old filled with back-handed compliments and innocent questions, eager to tell him everything going on in my life. The result was almost a diary of make-believe events in my life, characters, and subplots. It lasted 16 months. I will start sharing these letters here and there, shortly.

The Herman Letters isn’t meant to be a political sounding board. I would have handled Reagan, either Bush, or Obama in the same manner. I’ve written Engler, Granholm, Fred Thompson, and John Glenn, as well. I’m sure I would have written a doozie to #16, Abe Lincoln about that beard. But mainly out of jealousy—I could never grow one like that.

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Post #1 - Why Letters? 8/25/2009

Why Letters?

When I was in high school, I worked as a lifeguard at an outdoor pool. I heard other lifeguards around me complaining about minimum wage. I crafted a letter, to a city official, citing our responsibilities and training. This letter served two purposes. First, it worked—we all received raises. Second, I learned that by making a convincing argument, I could influence a result.

Over the years, I’ve written to companies, politicians, famous people, and district courts. I’ve written to receive freebies, ticket reductions, late fees waived, product replacements, and autographs. I’ve written, at times, about real issues to stir change. I’ve written silly, off-the-wall letters, just to get an equally off-the-wall response. I find the process to be a stress release.

At times, my brother Jim, and I have teamed up, and that’s a powerful synergy.

My Mission Statement: My primary goal is to entertain. My secondary goal, if you need it, is to help you. If you have a situation where you need help with a letter, let me know. The only thing I ask is that you allow me to share the letter (anonymous) and response. This feeds right back into the first goal.

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