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Monday, November 9, 2009

Post # 45 - Fruit Roll Up Wedgie Elves - 9/9/2009

Dear Fruit Roll-Ups,

I called my five-year-old son a liar last week. After his friend Tommy gave him a Fruit Roll-up, Nelson came home and told me that we were going to have intruders. He said that Santa’s little helpers might be coming by at night to tug his under shorts over his head. I called Nelson a liar, and washed his mouth out with soap. Who taught my boy about wedgies? That Tommy!

I called Tommy and had a discussion with his father, the law man. His father said they saw this on the television—that the children who eat the Fruit Roll-ups receive a wedgie from these elves. I normally have no use for the nonsense that they put on the boob tube, but this was actually useful. Sure enough—I saw the disclaimer on your commercials. Are these the Keebler elves? Are they irregular? Are they all drugged up? On the lam? Why are they so hostile?

It won’t be a problem. I bought a gun. The door is katie-barred shut. If they come in through the window cracks, they’ll pay! My son offered to sleep without any pants on, because you can’t give a wedgie to a pantsless boy. I told him not to worry himself.

How dare you? What gives you the right to keep selling these things when we know their haunted by angry, constipated elves who are upset and unleashing their vengeance on all of the little children? I would appreciate an explanation.


Jerry Herman

PS—Do you make the edible underpants? What’s the deal there? Are the elves confusing my son’s snack with the sinners’ wardrobes?

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