Post #79 - War On Spam: Zongo Part 3 of 4 -- Zongo and My Cool New Nickname -1/3/2010

From: zongoali01@hotmail.fr
Subject: Waiting for your urgent reply
Date: Sat, 16 Jan 2010 09:06:36 +0000

Mr. Jermonius

Ok there is no problem at all as long as the account information you provide can received the fund, all you can do now is to send the application form to the bank immediately through our bank email address indicated for the claim.

Waiting for your urgent reply

Thanks

Mr ZONGO ALI
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My response, sent 1/16/2010

Zizzer-Zazzer-Zongo-As-You-Can-Plainly-See,

There are two big problems. 1) You never nicknamed me. You've taken to ignoring that request. 2) You've ignored my overtures for a fun buddy weekend for two weeks now. I've suggested exotic places like Greece. Fun places like Colorado and The Big Easy. I've even called around for availability and some tentative dates (Mid-February is looking best in Vail). Again, you've taken to ignoring these requests.

It seems like you are only doing this for the money. Well let me tell you--when I signed on to Team Zongo, I was looking for some of that great fellowship that we enjoyed in the early 80's on the sitcom Bosum Buddy's. Don't get me wrong--I wanted the cash too, but I was looking for a platonic same-sex friendship with Zongo-Zongo-Zongo-He's-Right-I-May-Be-Wrongo.

I half-heartedly sent the application to your banker friends. I had to hit send a second time because I tapped it so half-heartedly the first time.

I am sad today.

JVC
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From: zongoali01@hotmail.fr
Subject: Wait for the bank respond
Date: Sat, 16 Jan 2010 21:32:01 +0000

Jermisco-Jermisco-Jermonius

Thanks, as you sent the form to the bank you should endeavour to be checking your mail at least twice a day because bank can contact you at any time as soon as they receive your submitted form for the claim as the next of kin, also you will try let me know whenever you receive anything from the bank so that I can guide you on what to do to avoid mistake because any made will lead to cancellation of your tendered application

Wait for the bank respond

Thanks

Mr ZONGO ALI
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My response, sent 1/16/2010

Hey Zoo-Zoo-Zong-EE-OH,

I feel much better with my new nickname. I'm getting a T-shirt made up.

I won't be checking my mail twice a day. Instead, I'll check it THRICE per day!

Rock on, Gold Dust Zongo!

Jerminsco-Jerminsco-Jermonius

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TO BE CONTINUED


From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 76 - War on Spam: Zongo Part 2 of 4 -- In It Only For The Money

From: zongoali01@hotmail.fr
Subject: Fill this application form and send it to the bank
Date: Fri, 8 Jan 2010 09:04:56 +0000

Dear Mr Jermonius

I received your mail, I was happy to hear from you anyway; I believe we are going to understand each other very well which is very very important for the success of this transfer.

I have to put every fact in order to you, and the transfer of the fund starts immediately you submit your application to the bank.

Much is not required from you; all you have to do is to send this application form to the bank requesting for the transfer of your inheritance fund, all vital information concerning the account in question will be forwarded to you.

For now all that is needed from you is your maximum co-operation and total commitment for the successful transfer of the said fund into your nominated bank account.

You do not need to worry so much, i am here to protect our interest only do not disappoint me at last. Note also that what ever expenses you made as a result of the transfer of the fund will be taken care of, so be keeping record of that, a particular percentage of the fund has been set aside to be used in taking care of all expenses before the final sharing of the fund. In a nutshell, this deal is 100% legal, risk free and safe.

This is the information you need to start off with, send this application immediately to the bank by fax or email me to inform me in order to follow it up in the bank, again contact me immediately you are through.

Nb: I want you to keep this transfer secret; whatever information i passed to you should not be disclosed to a third party for the smooth transfer of the fund.

Open your attachment file and see exactly how you are going to address your application to the bank for the transfer to start immediately, it will only take 10 bank working days for the fund to be transferred into any of your nominated bank accounts as soon as you follow the directives.

Fill the Application and sends to the bank immediately through these our bank E-mail addresses bellow.
(www_bankofafrica_bf@gala.net or foreiginremittance_bf@yahoo.com)

Waiting for your urgent response as soon as you sent it to the bank

Thanks

Mr ZONGO ALI
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To: zongoali01@hotmail.fr
Subject: RE: Fill this application form and send it to the bank
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 2010 11:25:35 -0500

Hey Zon-Zip-Zippy-Zippy-Zong-Zong-Zippy-Zippy-Zong-Zong-Zongo,

What's with the backtalk? "Happy to hear from you anyway"? It sounds like you're not that happy. I've started filling out the application, but now I'm getting cold feet.

We don't understand each other. I asked you for a cool nickname--great teams have cool nicknames for their members. It's part of the bonding process. Can you explain? Why are you holding back? We need to regroup.

Also, the application starts with "Dear __________". Whose name do I fill in there?

I was thinking a weekend in New Orleans when this is over. Mardi Gras. You in?

Get Back to me ASAP.

Thanks,

J.V.
-------------------------------------------------
From: zongoali01@hotmail.fr

Subject: Fill this application form and send it to the bank
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 2010 20:17:08 +0000

MR Jermonius

You said sounds like i am not happy but i am telling you that i am happy for sure, also you ask of my nickname, i don’t have a nickname than my real name Mr ZONGO ALI, you said that you have started filling the application but you’re getting cold feet i don’t understand exactly what you meant there,

You only fill your name where it starts from, i am ……………

Yes it is weekend already but fills the application to send to the bank so by Monday morning they will receive it and get you ok

Thanks

Mr ZONGOA LI
------------------------------------
My Response, 1/15/2010

Hello Mr. Z-Z-Z-puh-puh-puh-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Zon-Zong-Zoooooongoooo!

You said you were "happy to hear from me anyway". That sounded a little like you and I weren't cool. But it sounds like we are.

Sorry for the delay. I had some messy tenants that clogged up my plumbing. The Von CheddarBurger Bed and Breakfast will be closed for a few more weeks. I need you to give me a nickname. Can you do that? Here is my application.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
ATTENTION/ Dr PIUS GAMBO
THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE DIRECTOR
BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A)
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO
TELEFAX: 00226 50 43 36 23
E-MAIL: www_bankofafrica_bf@gala.net
E-MAIL: foreiginremittance_bf@yahoo.com
Dear Sir,

APPLICATION AS NEXT OF KIN TO ACOUNT HOLDER N: BOA: 14-2558-5976. ROUTING N: 91002211

I’m Mr Von CheddarBurger humbly apply to the bank as next of kin to your deceased customer, Mr. Park Seoungjae and great industrialist who died on a plane crash. He is my maternal Grandmother.

I humbly apply and put claim over his balance with the bank, which is valued at US$25.6millions, left in his account still unclaimed, until his sudden death, we have been business associates, jointly in exposition and buying of Gold and diamond. The funds were transferred into his account through our bank, for purchase of Gold / Diamond. I wish to advise your bank to kindly return the funds to this account, details stated below:

MY Bank Name: Bank of Brach's
MY Bank Address: 212 Pick A Mix Way, Sour Ball Village, WI 84338
MY Account Number: 7
MY Swift Code Number:8
MY Bank fax and phone number: 444-555-4567
MY Private fax and phone number: ............
MY E-mail address: jvoncheddarburger@ButterscotchDisc.com
MY Occupation: Bed and Breakfast Owner
MY Age and sex: 63
MY Country: USA

Wishing my application will be given an urgent attention, as I wish the balance be released, and re-transferred into my account as detailed. Please accept my apologies for the late application it was due to some logistic problems, which have been just settled.

Thanking you for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours sincerely…………………..

Jermonius Von CheddarBurger
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: zongoali01@hotmail.fr
Subject: Waiting for your urgent reply
Date: Fri, 15 Jan 2010 08:40:01 +0000

Mr Jermonius

I don’t have a nickname like I told you earlier and I don’t know the kind of nickname you’re talking about, also I am not satisfy of this application you filled out, what I am asking you is an empty foreign account where bank can remit the fund, but if you’re sure of the information then send it to the bank immediately for the claim

Note we must hurry up in this transaction because time frame is the best time to do this transaction.

Waiting for your urgent reply

Regard

Mr ZONGO ALI
--------------------------------------
My reply, dated 1/16/2010

Mr. Zongo Zongo It Won't Be Longo,

I understand that YOU don't have a nickname. I'm not asking for YOUR nickname. I'm asking for YOU to give ME a cool nickname for ME. For example: Erroneous Jermonius. Or "The Big Cheddah".

As for my bank account, it's foreign to you, and I'm pretty sure it's empty. Plus I don't feel like making up any more info like that. So yes, consided that to be my application.

How about a nice ski weekend in Vail when this is all over?

Thanks Man! Let her rip!

Jermonius Von CheddarBurger

----------------------------------------
TO BE CONTINUED....

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post #48 - Fifth Third: The Improper Bank 4/30/2009

Dear Fifth Third Bank,

For some time, I’ve been looking for a new financial institution to handle the Herman thousands.

The prior institutions that I dealt with, let’s just say, were “Nincompoops”. Nickel and dime charges for silly things like “inactivity.” I could avoid a penalty by, once every 6 months, deducting one penny. That is idiotic, and moronic, considering that the people paying me to let them watch my money are paying someone else even more to do the same thing.

I have to admit, I’ve been reluctant to begin a financial relationship with your bank. For me, it comes down to one thing: your name. Fifth third is an improper fraction. It is not proper. I vividly remember my 5th grade math teacher administering timed tests—“convert these improper fractions to mixed fractions.”

How can I trust a bank who takes shortcuts with something as important as their name? If you’re already skipping steps before I walk in the front door, how do I know you’re not going “phone it in” on my balance?

“Whoops, sir, looks like we rounded down on that one.”

“Well, it was Seis de Mayo. I was hung over, must have missed that zero.”

“Did I quote you 5 and 3/8ths, Mr. Herman? I really meant 5 and 3/4ths. That’s close enough.”

Can you understand my concern? Can you consider changing your name? Banks change their names all the time anyway.

How about “1 and 2/3rds”? Or, save some paint. Make it 1.7, with the repeat bar over the 7” Let me know what you plan on doing. I have all the application forms, but I’m going to wait until I hear from you.

Sincerely,

Jerry

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Response Note from Ben N. at Fifth Third, sent 5/1/2009

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for choosing Fifth Third Bank. In response to your inquiry, we have forwarded your email to our Management Team for further review.

Fifth Third Bank traces its origins to the Bank of the Ohio Valley, which opened its doors in Cincinnati in 1858. In 1871 the Third National Bank purchased that bank. With the turn of the century came the union of the Fifth National Bank and the Third National Bank, and eventually the organization became known as "Fifth Third Bank."

This information and more is available on our website by selecting the "About Fifth Third" tab located in the green toolbar at the top of the page. On the bottom of the page, select the "Arrow" in the "Our History" box.

On behalf of the Bank, please accept my sincere apology for any inconvenience or concern this situation may have caused you.

Fifth Third Bank values your business and appreciates you as a customer. If you need further assistance, please email us 24 hours a day or call a Fifth Third Bank Customer Service Professional at 1-800-972-3030.

Member FDIC, Equal Housing Lender

Thank you,

Ben N.
Fifth Third Internet Banking
-----------------------------------------------------------------
May 2, 2009
Dear Ben,

Thank you for your prompt response. I appreciate your sincere apology, and the history of your name.

However, you thanked me for choosing your bank. I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Maybe I wasn’t clear—I’m hesitant to join the 5/3rd Flock.

Who were the geniuses that decided to superglue the two names together to create a mathematically incorrect title? More importantly, are these the members of your management team, to whom you are forwarding my note?

Your name implies skipping a step. Skipping a step could mean leaving my safety deposit box unlocked. Skipping a step could mean forgetting to turn on your surveillance cameras on a day when four dudes wearing Golden Girls masks decide to hit your bank. Skipping a step could mean forgetting to give my kids a balloon, adding the quarterly interest to my balance, or refrigerating the mayo used in the egg salad sandwiches on “Egg Salad Sandwich Day”.

All that I am asking is for your management team to consider correcting your name. Make it into a marketing strategy. “One-And-Two-Thirds Bank: It takes a big bank to admit we were wrong, and we still work over 66 percent harder for our customers than the other guy.”

I’m still holding my application until I see progress.

Sincerely,


Jerry Herman
----------------------------------

May 26, 2009

Dear Fifth Third Ben,

You never responded to my previous inquiries regarding your bank and its name. While you provided a fascinating glimpse into the world of bank mergers and uninspired name changes, I had asked very specific questions. Mainly, as someone looking for a secure place to stash my money, how can I feel safe trusting a bank whose name is the equivalent of a mathematical slang? Fifth Third is an improper fraction, which needs to be converted to a mixed fraction--1 and 2/3rd's. Again, to recap, I stated that your bank's title implies that "it's okay to skip steps." Apparently one of those skipped steps was a response to my concerns.

Much has happened on my end, since my last note. In my job as a minor league umpire, I was unable to call strikes due to a strained muscle in my ribcage. Consequently, I was fired for "walking" everybody. This led me into a very deep depression. As I lined my pockets with raw meat and climbed the wall at the local zoo lion cage, a piece of paper flew past me. I wasn't fully on board with the lion-maul-thing anyway, so I chased the paper, which adhered itself to a boy’s shoe. He walked all around the zoo and stopped for ice cream, where it fell off. The piece of paper was a lottery ticket, which turned out to be a winner. I'm $6.5 million dollars wealthier than I was a week ago.

At this point, my plan is to cash my check at the party store that sold the winning ticket, and give that owner a large gratuity. I intend to write a check to the boy’s parents, to pay for his college. I will make a sizable donation to the zoo, and have the lion’s den named after me. I will then store the money in the safest institution that I know of--my mattress. I'm sure you're over there licking your chops, wondering how you can get me to deposit at 1 and 2/3's, and how you can assess some cool fees and penalties. Well forget all that--YOU showed ME little interest. To quote my high school Spanish teacher, “it takes two to tango, Babycakes”. Two can play that game!

I may reconsider my position, if you decide to change your mind and get off your duffs and answer my questions. Your “Management Team” has been kicking this one around long enough.


Sincerely,

Jerry

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