I sent this on 9/9/2009:
Dear Fruit of the Loom,
I’m an exec at a Fortune 500 company. I own a jet. I fly to Key West on Fridays at 5:00 PM, and return to my home on Sundays at 9:00 PM. I have girlfriends in New York, Paris, Miami, and London. I’ve golfed with Tiger Woods and four Presidents. I’ve attended bullfights in Mexico City with Charro. I’ve raced riding lawnmowers with Jackie Cooper. I smoked a big fat stogie with Castro. You could say that I live high on the hog.
In my job, I am responsible for the livelihoods of tens of thousands. When I open my mouth, people feverishly write down, record, transcribe, and publish my every word. Reporters from New York Times call me for my opinions. And when I speak, I fear that they will all realize that I’m a big dope.
I suffer from an inferiority complex. I feel very tiny. When I’m alone in the crapper, I cry. I have a really hard time dealing with my successes in life. I need a boost of confidence. I need your help.
When I was eight, I had trouble getting up in front of my class for show and tell. But Captain America had no problem—if he had trouble, he could throw his mighty shield. That’s right—your Underroos gave me the confidence I needed. When I heard Fruit of the Loom was pulling the plug on them, I drained my paper route money from my bank account, and bought up all that I could find, in the largest sizes I could find.
About four weeks ago, my final pair, ragged from 25 years of wear and tear, fell apart irreparably. I carry a swatch in my pocket, but it doesn’t work.
I would like you to resume production of this fine product. I would like you to expand your target audience to include an “executive” line. Maybe a Don Trump. Or a Tom Brady. Or a Hugh Heff. For the ladies, how about a Martha Stewart? Mother Theresa?
I’ll tell you what—if Fruit of the Loom isn’t interested, or can’t make it happen, I can. Sell me the licensing rights for this fine product, and I’ll make it happen. Let me know how I can make my own imprint on the underwear industry!
Sincerely,
Jerry
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From: noreply@fruit.com
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 2009 18:46:00 -0500
Subject: RE: Inquiry from Fruit.com
Fruit of the Loom would like to thank you for your correspondence and confirm your message has been received. Your request is important to Fruit of the Loom and is currently being reviewed. You will receive an email from our representative upon completion of review.
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9/21/2009
Dear Fruit of the Loom,
You never responded. I am sad. I see on your site, you’ve cranked up the Underoo factory. But sadly, I only see small people modeling your wares. I also see something odd called Fungals on there. Weird.
What are the rest of us supposed to do for underwear?
Please advise! I’ll gladly try out any prototypes.
Jerry
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From: noreply@fruit.com
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:44:21 -0500
Subject: RE: Inquiry from Fruit.com
Fruit of the Loom would like to thank you for your correspondence and confirm your message has been received. Your request is important to Fruit of the Loom and is currently being reviewed. You will receive an email from our representative upon completion of review.
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My response, sent 9/28/2009
Dear Fruit of the Loom,
I’ve sent two notes to you with only automated responses. It’s been 19 days. My goodness—that’s nearly one complete cycle of my 21 pairs of Fruit of the Looms.
Where do you get off? Not even a response? Not even a “we’ll look into it”? I spend valuable time suggesting a product that would help the Captains of Industry. You sit there in your little board room drinking coffee (that’s too much cream by the way), doodling pictures of underpants in your Trapper Keepers.
Maybe I make this underwear cycle my last, and start a movement among the 31 to 53 year age bracket. A term that makes you underpants people cringe: KAMIKAZE! I don’t want to. Mom told me to never ever do this (in case I got in an accident). Well, I’ll do it. And I’ll get my softball team, my fantasy baseball team, my son’s cub scout troop, the male population at my church, everyone at Lil’s Diner and Doug’s Rusty Ale. I’ll enlist crossing guards, cashiers, doormen, valet attendants—anyone in contact with a lot of different people. We’ll have an underwear burning party (a few towns over). We’ll stand in front of all of the major stores with signs that read “DOWN WITH UNDERWEAR!” Then, maybe you’ll get off your duffs and answer some email.
Sincerely,
Jerry
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Fruit of the Loom's response, 9/30/2009
Jerry,
Thank you for your email. We do not currently manufacture adult Underoos or FunPals, nor do we have any plans in the immediate future to do so.
We do appreciate your interest in our Fruit of the Loom brand.
Consumer Services
Fruit of the Loom, Inc
Bowling Green, Kentucky 42102-90015
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