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Sunday, March 28, 2010

Post # 93 - Einstein Bros Bagels - Filthy McPottyhands and the Bagel Ripper - 1/23/2010

I thought I made a compelling argument here.  The Einstein people had more pressing issues to handle.

I like Panera's Asiago bagels better anyway.
Dear Einstein,

One out of four. That’s about how often I encounter a public restroom situation where a “neighbor’s” path from urinal to exit is a straight one. No time for pesky soap and water. I’ve labeled them “Filthy McPottyhands”. Big people, small people, rich people, poor people, nice people, mean people—it doesn’t seem to matter. I’ve seen it happen in a rest stop restrooms and posh mahogany and marble washrooms. Teachers, mail carriers, Fortune 500 Execs, politicians. It could be anyone.

One out of four. That’s about how often I encounter a public bagel situation where some calorie counter has decided to make a compromise—half of the calories of a full size bagel. We’ve all seen it—they reach in there (“pardon the hands!”) and rip one in half, leaving the second half for you or me. I’ve labeled them Bagel Rippers. Generally, that half bagel sits there untouched, like a baby bunny, handled by a human and swiftly rejected by his bunny parents. Like the captain of the ship, that half bagel goes down with the empty cream cheese containers.

The thing is, in the backs of our minds, we worry that Filthy McPottyhands and the Bagel Ripper are the same guy. Tim from IT, or Jake from Sales. Bob, the gruff fellow from Accounting. We don’t want Tim or Jake or Bob’s hands anywhere near us, or anything of ours. Most of all, we’d rather skip breakfast, than ingest something this filthy, this disgusting.

This is where you come in. Why doesn’t Einstein revolutionize the bagel industry once more? Convert your entire bagel operation over to Bagel Halves. Two halves constitute a whole. This would reduce the heavily handled half bagel situation.

The smart ones can figure out how to order a dozen (“You have to order 24 halves to constitute a dozen, Einstein!”).

The smart ones can figure out how to toast it (“Put it in there vertically, you big dummy!”).

When you respond, please focus on how we get there, not how “we can’t solicit outside ideas, even when they’re awesome”. I’ll sign the waiver, so you can retain your "Einstein" title.


No reply.  Did I mention how much better I like Panera's bagels?
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