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Saturday, November 7, 2009

Post# 44 - Kraft Part II: Tainted Brownies?

I addressed this letter to "Amanda", who had left me a voicemail about my Jello product issue.
June 11, 2009

Dear Amanda,

I received your voicemail this afternoon, while on my way back to the local Starbucks. It seems that most of our society thinks that it is okay to take drugs. I preached to a bunch of them about the sinfulness of using caffeine to get high. One of the gentlemen, a frumpy, side burned, heavy set fellow draped in flannel and corduroy trousers and sideburns, beat the living snot out of me. He threw my cell phone across the parking lot. The pieces won’t go back together. The best way to contact me now is via email.

Unfortunately, I have a second “incident” to report. This time is not Jell-O, although I am still concerned about that particular product issue. In this instance, I believe the culprit is your Baker’s chocolate.

I came home today from Starbucks, in low spirits. My 18-year-old daughter Mabel was home from college again, with her sinner friends. They were all taking a nice nap on my living room floor. I went in the kitchen and saw a half a tray of brownies. I ate one. It was heaven. I ate a second one. Then suddenly the house started spinning and jumping. Spinning and jumping. I finished the tray. A dragon came out of the wall and sang “I Love Rock and Roll” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Then I woke up with my head in the salad crisper, and a mouthful of romaine lettuce. I was famished. Mabel and I ate everything in the fridge, including the baking soda. Then Marge came home and asked Mabel if there were any special ingredients in those brownies. Her response: “Kraft Baker’s One Unsweetened Chocolate.”

Could your chocolate have been tainted? I found the package—it wasn’t expired. I’ve read where cocoa comes from a plant that also makes drugs. Could the wrong part of the plant have been used?

Please advise.


They left me another voicemail on June 12, 2009.
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