Post # 165 - Summer's Eve - What Is a Douche Bag? - 5/18/2010

Dear Summer’s Eve,

I’m not part of your target demographic. I’m a widowed father of four boys—Timmy, Tommy, Teddy, and Bob. Why am I contacting you? Allow me to explain.

I’m always telling my sons, “don’t use a word or phrase, if you can’t tell me what it means.”  Terms like moron, jerk, nincompoop, and fo-shizzle have been temporarily shelved until they can be paired up with the correct definition.

The other day, I was in my car, driving to my florist shoppe. Some idiot cut me off, and then proceeded to drive 31 miles per hour in a 45 mil per hour zone. I called him every name under the sun—some of which I could never repeat here. One of those terms that I used was…”Douche Bag.”

It occurred to me that I had become the fellow that I was trying to prevent my sons from becoming. I was throwing around terms that I didn’t understand. I felt unclean. I felt like a great big hypocrite.

So now, I am quietly typing and sending this while the boys sleep. I’m trying to correct my mistake. They say “Father Knows Best.” Well, this time, I don’t think so.

What is a “Douche Bag?” I have a rough idea of the general concept. I don’t know anything about the apparatus, it's function, or how one would use it. Any assistance that you can provide is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Jerry
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Subject: Summer's Eve Inquiry

Date: Wed, 19 May 2010 08:52:08 -0400
From: semailbox@CBFLEET.COM

Dear Jerry,

Before the invention of disposable douches, women used a douche bag filled with water and vinegar to cleanse the vagina.

If you haven’t done so already, I suggest Googling the term and select “Images” from the tool bar to see what it looks like.

Kindest regards,

Beth
Summer’s Eve Feminine Care Specialist
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To: semailbox@cbfleet.com
Subject: RE: Summer's Eve Inquiry
Date: Wed, 19 May 2010 22:01:06 -0400

Dear Beth,

Thanks for the fast response, and for the explanation. You have armed me with knowledge.

One tip for you: if you suggest Googling Image Searches, you should recommend the "Safe Search On" option. Boy howdy! One of the first images to pop up was one of a young lady, presumably of Bavarian descent, practicing the art of douching, employing the douching techniques and douche apparatus. She harkened back to Johnny Bench, the instumental cog in that Big Red Machine of the 1970's.

My sons, Timmy and Teddy walked past and caught an eyeful. Let's just say, we're caught up, if not way ahead of schedule on those dreaded "talks."  When they take driver's ed, they'll have clearance to use the term.

Thanks again--you've been helpful.

Jerry

P.S. : To submit my comments, your site required me to select a product. I selected "Island Splash" Douche. That seemed like it would be very refreshing.

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Post #42 - Response to Alec Baldwin's "Let the Big 3 Die" Post - 5/20/09

Dear Mr. Baldwin,

This note is in response to your May 17, 2009 blog comments in the Huffington Post proclaiming "Pull the plug on the Big 3." As a Chrysler employee, I was saddened by your news that we're "dead". You would never guess that to be the case in my office. Each day, my coworkers remind me of the resilience of our forefathers. I've never been more proud of a group of people than those of us (suppliers included) who have pulled together, and are fighting to restore Chrysler. But I suppose the view is different in the land of 8 figure incomes, personal trainers, and private jets.

"Look--the man from Along Came Polly who didn't wash his hands in the restroom says the Big Three sucks! Let's price out Hondas instead." For whatever reason, an actor's comments carry a great deal of influence in the minds of some. "Did you hear what the guy who played the pedophile scout leader in the SNL sketch said about the Big 3? Think I'll look at the new Toyota Tundra." What spews from your big pie hole affects the livelihood of my family, friends, coworkers, surrounding neighborhoods, local and nationwide economy. With no Big 3, and no manufacturing infrastructure, we more or less lose our middle class. Be careful--these are the people whose hard-earned dollars fill the box office tills for your films, and purchase the products from the sponsors of your little half hour fun time. Shut your big, overpaid yapper.

First, you present yourself as some sort of industry expert because you were once a GM spokesperson in some silly Tahoe commercials back in the early 1990's. At the same time, you make it clear that Big 3 products are inferior, and have been for 30 years. You took a big paycheck to tell people to buy a product that you evidently, did not truly believe in. THAT, plus a few acting lessons, makes you some sort of automotive expert--someone whose opinions regarding products, and industries, and environment, carry a lot of weight. Do you have opinions about diet and exercise? Maybe you have a killer maple bourbon tilapia recipe that you'd like to share? What other products have you blindly endorsed (Hulu?), and who's more credible--Mr. Baldwin or a tabloid article about Mr. Baldwin? Shut your big, overpaid yapper.

Next, you state that you feel bad for the men and women of Detroit. Then you state that it would be best to let the Big 3 run into the ground, based on the management decisions of the past 30 years--the same Big 3 who stepped up during wartime to protect our freedom. The same Big 3 who wrote you a big Tahoe endorsement check to help resuscitate your career after The Marrying Man. On behalf of everyone here at Chrysler and its suppliers, carrying three and four jobs, trying to make it through the economic downturn, because the average guy can’t get a loan to buy a Chrysler (by the way, we’re not dead--we're still fighting), thanks for the dagger. Thanks for kicking us while we're down. Any other nuggets of wisdom from the opinionated puppet? Shut your big, overpaid yapper.

Sadly, what you say influences the buying decisions of some people. While I appreciate your deep-seated concern, you’re not really helping the situation. Not everybody wants, or can afford a car that needs a new $3000 battery every few years--one whose battery production melts a decent-sized hole in the o-zone, and requires mining of lithium from rainforests. But your carbon footprint looks nice as you drive your little hybrid to your private jet hanger, so you can fly to and from New York to tape your little laugh-tracky sitcom. Shut your big, overpaid yapper.

Mr. Baldwin, Alec, with all due respect, shut the hell up. You get paid to put on makeup and read other peoples’ words into a camera for our amusement. You are nothing more than a modern day court jester--a marionette, if you will. I used to think you were funny. Now I look at the TV and all I see is an opinionated sellout whose characters are all starting to look the same. Should we pull the plug on Alec Baldwin? I don't really think so--Great Balls of Fire was a bit questionable, but overall, you've done some solid work. Shut your big, overpaid yapper.

Oh and one more thing--"Ford has cancer"? Here's a little tip for you--people fighting cancer, cancer survivors, and families and friends affected by cancer really don't care for insensitive cancer metaphors. Stick to the script--don't veer away from whatever the writers give you. If we want any more automotive advice, we’ll ask you. Or Paris Hilton. Or the fellow who played Screech on Saved By the Bell. In the meantime, shut your big, overpaid yapper.

Sincerely,

Jerry