the herman letters: Post # 19 - Kraft: Tainted Jello?

Dear Jell-O Folk,

I’m a simple man. I live a simple life. Once in a while, Marge would fix us some of your delightfully flavored gelatin desserts. This would qualify as the highlight of my week. I have always loved your products. However, my most recent “brush” with your products was unacceptable, to say the least.

This past Saturday night, I came home from preaching. I greeted my 18-year-old daughter, Mabel, and some of her sinner friends. Having screamed at congregations for some four hours straight, I had my sweet tooth. Right there in the refrigerator was some Jell-O that Mabel had prepared. Because it resided in ice cube trays, I figured it was “leftover” gelatin solution from some delightful gelatin dessert cups with whipped cream.

I decided to enjoy a rainbow of Jell-o snacks, one tray at a time. I think I had two trays worth—yellow, green, red and orange. This was clearly more than the standard eight ounce allotment. Gluttony is a sin! At first, I felt euphoria. Then everything became blurry. When I woke up the next morning, I had a really bad headache, and my mouth was dry. Mabel was really upset with me. Apparently, I had consumed her dessert and ruined her entire evening. The bed was spinning like some sort of sinful carnival ride.

Marge showed me a video that she had made—one of me urinating in front of a large group of neighbors, right on Mrs. Fredricks’ beautiful bed of lilacs. I also saw footage of me dancing naked on top of my car, out in the driveway. Apparently, I had also taken that car for a ride. I came home with several unhealthy items from Taco Bell, an R-Rated film from Blockbuster. Also, my paperboy pierced my ear. I don’t remember any of this, and now I owe Mrs. Fredricks some lilacs.

I went through the rubbish and found the empty Jell-O boxes. Nothing seemed odd—they were still within their freshness window. Can you explain this? Is there any sort of recall in progress for tainted Jell-O? Could this be an allergic reaction? Please advise. I'm hesitant to consume any more Jell-O products until I get to the bottom of this mystery.

I’m planning on speaking to my congregation about my Jell-O experience this Saturday. I just wanted to bring this product issue to your attention.

Sincerely,

Jerry

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Automated note from Kraft, sent 6/10/09

Mr. Jerry,

Your feedback is very important and we'll do our best to respond to your inquiry as quickly as possible.

Thank you - Kraft Consumer Relations Day or night, 365 days a year, you can get instant answers to our most commonly asked questions by visiting http://kraftfoods.custhelp.com

Other ways to contact us: Phone: 1-800-567-KRAFT (5723) Mail: Kraft Foods Global, Inc.Global Consumer Relations1 Kraft CourtGlenview, IL 60025

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The next day, someone named “Amanda” left a voicemail on my cell phone, asking me to call. Verbal discussions in these instances are NO fun, and harder to tell the story later.

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Note from Katherine, Kraft Consumer Representative, on 6/12/2009

Dear Jerry,

I’m sorry to hear about your unpleasant experience with our products. I understand how you must feel and I appreciate you notifying us of the situation. There’s nothing more important to us than giving you, and every one of our consumers,--high quality products.

After several attempts to reach you by phone, we are writing to let you know that we’re aware of your concerns and addressing them internally.

We appreciate you contacting us. It’s feedback like yours that helps us to continually improve the products that we offer. I have enclosed some reimbursement coupons for your future enjoyment. If you have additional questions, or would like more information, please don’t hesitate to check back with us at 1-800-572-3820.