Dear Con Agra Foods,
As a well-known prosecuting attorney, I have little time to myself. I’m busy putting hardened criminals behind bars. I often tug on the heart strings of wavering juries to get my way. With a 99.3 percent conviction rate, I must know what I am doing.
How does this involve you? Please allow me to explain.
Recently, there was a spree of shootings. A serial killer—however, his calling card wasn’t a velvet glove, or a white rose. Not a clever note, nor a monogrammed handkerchief. His calling card, in all six homicides, has been a partially enjoyed Snack Pack pudding snack. His nickname, over these past months, has become “The Pudding Killer.”
Normally, other than his Snack Pack “leave-behind,” he leaves a very clean crime scene. No foot prints, DNA, or shell casings. On this last crime, a crotchety elderly iron worker, the shell casing was buried, along with a nostril hair, in the Snack Pack. What a break!
The final victim’s widow, Esther Samoa, has retained my services. She is unable to pay me—she made me a tray of cookies as a sign of her gratitude. This case will put me well over my 50 hours, but I am glad to help.
We’re going to trial two weeks from this last Monday. I’d love to work the pudding into my speech. At this point, I have an early draft entitled “The Proof Is In The Pudding.” My plan was, to hand each of the twelve jurors a Snack Pack, while I’m reciting my final comments. I want the taste of that pudding engulfing their pallets as they listen to my inspiring words.
I want butterscotch pudding breath to permeate that room as they deliberate, and cast their final vote.
I want the very pudding that Henry Donald Thoroburger used as his “joke” to come right back and bite him in the keister.
I want little children in elementary schools to send Henry their empty pudding containers as he rots behind the very bars that Mr. Samoa crafted for over 40 years.
I want the truth! I want justice! I want the life sentence that Henry most assuredly deserves.
Since this is a pro bono case, would you be interested in helping out? We could really use three (3) four packs of pudding, pro bono. I mentioned butterscotch—tapioca or chocolate would also work.
Any assistance that you can provide is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Jerry
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From: webmaster@conagrafoods.com
Subject: Re: Consumer Affairs Email Response 052890408A
Date: Mon, 24 May 2010 13:30:14 -0500
May 24, 2010
Dear Jerry,
Thank you for your email concerning our Snack Pack® Pudding.
Through the ConAgra Foods Foundation, we help to fight hunger year-round and are committed to this quest. Unfortunately, due to the large volume of requests we receive, we are unable to fulfill them all.
Your comments are extremely valuable, and they help us make the food you love even better.
Thanks again for your feedback. We're listening!
Sincerely,
Nancy
Consumer Affairs
Ref: 052890408A
----------------------------------------------------
My response, sent 5/24/2010
Dear Nancy,
Nevermind.
The trial went as planned. The evidence was undeniable. The jury swayed back and forth.
Just as they teetered toward a verdict of “guilty,” I delivered my speech. “The Proof Is In the Pudding” was my “Stairway to Heaven.” I delivered it with passion and precision. I brought tears to the women’s eyes. I road the crest of the wave all the way to the sandy shores of justice.
With two outs and two strikes in the ninth, I was lacking that strike three pitch. The pudding would have rung Thoroburger up for life. Instead, the jury cited reasonable doubt.
A murder walks the streets once more. Cap’n Pudding Pants is laughing at our justice system now.
Thanks Con Agra.
Jerry
From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
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As a well-known prosecuting attorney, I have little time to myself. I’m busy putting hardened criminals behind bars. I often tug on the heart strings of wavering juries to get my way. With a 99.3 percent conviction rate, I must know what I am doing.
How does this involve you? Please allow me to explain.
Recently, there was a spree of shootings. A serial killer—however, his calling card wasn’t a velvet glove, or a white rose. Not a clever note, nor a monogrammed handkerchief. His calling card, in all six homicides, has been a partially enjoyed Snack Pack pudding snack. His nickname, over these past months, has become “The Pudding Killer.”
Normally, other than his Snack Pack “leave-behind,” he leaves a very clean crime scene. No foot prints, DNA, or shell casings. On this last crime, a crotchety elderly iron worker, the shell casing was buried, along with a nostril hair, in the Snack Pack. What a break!
The final victim’s widow, Esther Samoa, has retained my services. She is unable to pay me—she made me a tray of cookies as a sign of her gratitude. This case will put me well over my 50 hours, but I am glad to help.
We’re going to trial two weeks from this last Monday. I’d love to work the pudding into my speech. At this point, I have an early draft entitled “The Proof Is In The Pudding.” My plan was, to hand each of the twelve jurors a Snack Pack, while I’m reciting my final comments. I want the taste of that pudding engulfing their pallets as they listen to my inspiring words.
I want butterscotch pudding breath to permeate that room as they deliberate, and cast their final vote.
I want the very pudding that Henry Donald Thoroburger used as his “joke” to come right back and bite him in the keister.
I want little children in elementary schools to send Henry their empty pudding containers as he rots behind the very bars that Mr. Samoa crafted for over 40 years.
I want the truth! I want justice! I want the life sentence that Henry most assuredly deserves.
Since this is a pro bono case, would you be interested in helping out? We could really use three (3) four packs of pudding, pro bono. I mentioned butterscotch—tapioca or chocolate would also work.
Any assistance that you can provide is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Jerry
--------------------------------------------------
From: webmaster@conagrafoods.com
Subject: Re: Consumer Affairs Email Response 052890408A
Date: Mon, 24 May 2010 13:30:14 -0500
May 24, 2010
Dear Jerry,
Thank you for your email concerning our Snack Pack® Pudding.
Through the ConAgra Foods Foundation, we help to fight hunger year-round and are committed to this quest. Unfortunately, due to the large volume of requests we receive, we are unable to fulfill them all.
Your comments are extremely valuable, and they help us make the food you love even better.
Thanks again for your feedback. We're listening!
Sincerely,
Nancy
Consumer Affairs
Ref: 052890408A
----------------------------------------------------
My response, sent 5/24/2010
Dear Nancy,
Nevermind.
The trial went as planned. The evidence was undeniable. The jury swayed back and forth.
Just as they teetered toward a verdict of “guilty,” I delivered my speech. “The Proof Is In the Pudding” was my “Stairway to Heaven.” I delivered it with passion and precision. I brought tears to the women’s eyes. I road the crest of the wave all the way to the sandy shores of justice.
With two outs and two strikes in the ninth, I was lacking that strike three pitch. The pudding would have rung Thoroburger up for life. Instead, the jury cited reasonable doubt.
A murder walks the streets once more. Cap’n Pudding Pants is laughing at our justice system now.
Thanks Con Agra.
Jerry
-----------------------
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Wait, so your intent was to get a few free snack packs out of this letter? Did they not even send you any coupons?
ReplyDeleteGuilty as charged your honor! And yes, they shot me down.
ReplyDelete