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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Post #57 - Governor Graholm and the Whistling Tax

Dear Governor Granholm,

I was the unlucky, but deserving recipient of a "don't turn on red" ticket in Warren yesterday. The officer who stopped me was clearly stationed there for hours, writing ticket after ticket. I also realized that it was August 31st.

We can argue back and forth about driver responsibility and traffic violation revenue generation. We all know there's some overlap there, and it's most evident with the leeway aspect. Nobody gets off with a warning anymore, which I think stinks.

This started a thought process in my head though--how can we generate revenue for Michigan without further crushing the very people who live here in financial hardship?

Previously, I had suggested to Governor Engler, a "Behave or Pave" program, whereby prisoners would work in chain gangs to repair our roads. I now realize, that would only increase unemployment. Instead I would have them sort our garbage for recycling.

Back to the topic--revenue generation. Here goes--there are people who whistle who really shouldn't. There are very few who should. Pat Benetar in "Love is a Battlefield" is the only one I can think of.

The reasons are many:
-They may be tone deaf.
-They may pick lousy songs like the Titanic theme, or "On My Own" by Michael McDonald and Patti LaBelle.
-They may apply too much vibrato.
-They may whistle too often.
-They may pick lengthy songs.
-They may whistle too loud.
-They may be whistling in a weird place like the stall next to you.

In the end, 90 percent of the time, it's pure noise pollution. Have you ever really heard someone else whistling and actually stopped what you were doing to enjoy the song? No, and probably for one of the reasons above.

I recommend a Whistling Certification program. Completely paid for by the whistlers themselves. Have courses, instructors, final exams, and jury evaluations. Make them wear a special wristband whenever they whistle, with an 800 number that we can call to complain. Make them have to re-certify every three years.

Just like every softball junkie thinks they could play baseball, every whistler thinks they're Bon Jovi. They'll pay the price. If they fail the jury evaluations, they'll pay for more coursework. They'll pay for the license; they’ll pay for the bracelet. Make the bracelets out of license plate, and have the prisons crank those out.

What are your thoughts? Hopefully you're not a whistler, and I didn't just insult you.


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