the herman letters: Post # 68 - Dove Chocolate Inspirational Messages

Monday, January 11, 2010

Post # 68 - Dove Chocolate Inspirational Messages - 1/3/2010

Dear Dove,

Your chocolates have warm and fuzzy little notes in the wrappers. I sometimes find myself feeling as though I’m on the receiving end of some cosmic life-changing message. Then, I realize it’s just a frigging piece of candy, and you have no idea whether I’m Sara Jessica Parker or Al Roker. Then, I started thinking.

I’m sure a lot of people take your messages seriously. Why not make the world a better place? Why not give people the nudge that they need to move forward in life? Messages like:

-Quit being such a pompous jerk.

-That 1980’s-style Magnum PI mustache really isn’t working for you.

-If you think she’s that into you, tell her you’re broke.

-You might think about going back to school—taxidermy isn’t a real science.

-You have a lot of great qualities. Accountability just isn’t one of them.

-You may play keyboards for Bon Jovi, but you look like a poodle.

-Leave her.

-You named your last child after a flavor of Two-Buck-Chuck. It’s time for that vasectomy.

-Sitting in my dad’s La-Z-Boy, reading a Harlequin Romance, eating all of our cookies, does not constitute babysitting.

The other idea I had: around St. Patti’s Day, maybe throw in a naughty limerick or two. For heaven’s sake, keep us guessing!

Sincerely,

Jerry

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From: do-not-reply@masterfoodsusa.com
Subject: DOVE CHOCOLATE.
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 2010 17:25:17 -0500

Dear Jerry,

In response to your email regarding DOVE CHOCOLATE.

Thank you for your email.

It was thoughtful of you to offer your creative ideas. Unfortunately, it is our policy not to accept unsolicited ideas. At Mars Chocolate NA, we rely on our extensive Research and Development staff to design, develop and refine product concepts. Sometimes research and development can take years before a finished product can be marketed. To avoid confusion of ownership, we must refuse the thousands of suggestions we receive every year, many the same as yours. Although we appreciate your interest, we hope you will understand our business position.

Have a great day!

Your Friends at Mars Chocolate NA
MM/HERNLIND011123969A

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My response on 1/6/2010:

Dear Mars Chocolate Folk,

Yes, I understand your business position. You don’t want any confusion if some braniac golden boy over there decides to incorporate a Bon Jovi-specific message on a chocolate wrapper.

Or…..

Maybe you’ve been thinking all along about incorporating Bon Jovi’s music or likeness to your Chocolates. Nice.