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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Post # 71 - Kudos to Parker Brothers for Glow-In-The-Dark-Ouija 11-18-2009

I've always been amused by the idea that the same company that makes Chutes and
Ladders, also makes Ouija. In my opinion, your chances of contacting your dearly departed granny in real life are the same as your chances of winding up in Molasses Swamp in real life.
Dear Parker Brothers,

I love your games. My favorite is Ouija. I have had one for years. I use it to practice witchcraft. I put on white makeup and black eye-liner. I don a witch hat and eat black corn chips. Once a week I summon the departed spirit of Dan Haggerty (TV’s Grizzly Adams). My pals and I get together and cast spells on one another—it’s a hoot. Last week, my spell sent Timmy running to the restroom. I had to run to JC Penney and get him some new trousers, all in the name of fun.

I write to you for three reasons:

1)Can you settle a bet for us? I say your game is hand-crafted by witches, using materials gathered from sacred burial grounds, beneath the Parker Brothers corporate umbrella. My friend Timmy says that your Ouija Boards are mass produced on an assembly line by bright, cheerful, happy folks, right next to Candy Land and High Ho Cherry-O. Which of us is right? The one who is wrong shall rot inside a corpsy shell.

2) As I wandered the Toys R’ Us family board game isle, I saw a new product—your even better Glow-In-the-dark Ouija board. How fun and user-friendly! Does this enhance it’s powers of witchcraft? Will this facilitate the summoning of departed spirits from beyond? Because you should put that on the box. Something like:
“Now: Even more witchier!”
“Requires even less black candles!”
“Now, even easier to cast a spell on your most hated enemies!”

These are just some ideas—you get the idea: sell the sizzle!’

3) I am thinking that for Ouija 3.0, we need a more witchy font. Lots of people will tell you “Helvetica gives it a more homemade, timeless feel”. I say “Let’s go with 18 point Impact font. It screams “Yo! I’m a Witch!”.

These are just suggestions. Actually, one of these is settling a bet. Can you please get back to me promptly? I would like to provide an update to D-Hag (that’s what I call him because I know him well—you hadn’t better as it may offend him) later this week when we talk.


No Reply



  1. OK, here is a Ouija story for you. When I was in college, some friends and I took out my old Ouija Board game one night and started playing it in the dorm room. The lights were off and we were asking the usual questions. Then we heard a loud bang come from the closet in the room. We abruptly stopped playing the game and we were all spooked. I actually believe the game is real. Do not speak ill of the Ouija!

  2. Shondira,
    It sounds like you had a dose of a freaky ghost!