the herman letters: Post # 91 - Uncle Milton's Ant Farm and Gummi Bear Fun!

I had an ant farm when I was ten. The ants got loose and one bit me. I've been pretty bitter ever since.

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Dear Uncle Milton,

I purchased one of your Ant Farms for my son, Tatum, on his fourth birthday. I thought this would be a great way to teach him responsibility. Last summer, he had taken an interest in the ant hills that decorate our driveway and sidewalk. It seemed harmless.

I gave Tater the responsibilities of feeding and watering the ant population. This was progressing nicely for about a month. Then, Tate became a little creative. Tate decided to reward the colony after a job well done. He had placed some debris (a tooth pick) in one area, and a team of ants moved the toothpick to the other section. Non-participants were isolated, as a form of punishment. Each contributing member was individually recognized, and he awarded them all with a Gummi Bear.

Here’s the rub. The Gummi Bear was actually one of those Gummi Multivitamins. This must have triggered some sort of growth hormone—they started growing. They outgrew their farm, so I (carefully) placed them in a Tupperware container with airholes. Soon, this was too small. I placed them in a 50 gallon tank. The tank worked for a week. They kept growing and growing. Luckily, I moved them outside when they were an inch long.

Now, they are two feet long. They are digging in my yard, They taunt my dog, Yahtzee. They rap on the window at all hours of the night. Neighbors are starting to complain.

Here is my question—is there a humane way to maul these things? Can I return the Ant Farm if 1) the box is open and 2) I pitched the receipt? Any information that you can provide is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Jerry
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From: info@unclemilton.com

Subject: RE: Question
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 2010 09:28:17 -0800

Hello,

I would suggest training them to work in your yard, perhaps pulling a rototiller and planting seed. You might even be able to train them well enough to hire them out, allowing you to generate passive income.

As farm as the return, you would need to contact the retailer you purchased the farm from regarding their return policy. If there is a defect with the farm, and you are not able to return it to the retailer, Uncle Milton Industries is only able to exchange it for you if you have a receipt dated within the past 90 days and the toy in the box in saleable condition. If you would like to do this please contact us at 888-742-2484 to receive a return authorization. You will need this authorization before you ship the toy back to us.

Sincerely,

Consumer Services

Uncle Milton Industries

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