Post # 141 - Bell Helmets and the Giraffe Man- 4/11/2010

Dear Bell Helmets,


I am an enormous human being. At eight feet tall, my friends call me the “Giraffe”. At Christmas, folks pay me $5 to put the star atop their tree. In the fall, people pay me to clean out their gutters.

Well guess what? Giraffe needs to get around town too. Cars aren’t designed for the giant. SUV’s aren’t either. Eventually, you resort to a neck hole in the roof of your car.

I live in a small town, and am quite friendly with the entire police force (consisting of eight gentlemen, and my fiancée, Collette.

Let me cut to the point. I plan on taking a road trip. This trip will take me through multiple municipalities. Different law enforcement officials may interpret safety laws differently. I would like to abide by all of the safety laws in all of the cities, counties, and states that I visit.

I’m looking for a helmet—not just any helmet. I am looking for a helmet that will permit me to safely travel in my modified ’67 Ford Custom 500.

What do you have?

Sincerely,

Jerry
-----------------------------
No Response.


From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 140 - Doubletree Hotels - Seriously--a Cookie? - 4/11/2010

Once while on business in St. Louis, I stayed at Doubletree when the other hotels that boast free happy hours and breakfasts were booked.  I had always heard about the almighty cookie.  It was really good.  But on the second night, nobody comes by with another cookie.  Or the third.  By day three, the cookie was a source of annoyance.
---------------------------------------------
Dear Doubletree,


What’s the deal with the cookie? Is it supposed to make me feel welcome?

Here’s my beef. Other hotels “make me feel at home” with free breakfast. Some even throw in a little perk called “Meet the Manager Happy Hour”. Free booze and appetizers.

You give me a cookie. It’s a delicious cookie. I checked on the web—people try to duplicate your recipe, so you should be proud about that. But seriously--a cookie?

If I stay in your hotel for five nights in Dallas for my model train conventions, I get the same as Joe Blow who spends one night. One lousy cookie. Not one per night. Just one per visit.

It makes me want to book my hotel stay in Dallas, one night at a time. Check in for Night one, collect Cookie #1. Check out of the hotel after Night One, Check Back in for Night Two, collect Cookie#2. Repeat these steps until I’ve collected all five cookies, or until I become a diabetic.

I get the whole faux home sweet home sentiment. But I don’t see the incentive to stay more than one night, since that’s the only incentive you’re known for.

Maybe you can enlighten me. Seriously—a cookie?

Sincerely,

Jerry

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 139 - West Bend Popcorn Popper Crack - 4/7/2010

Dear West Bend,

Martha and I love popcorn, and not that nonsense that comes in the bag that you stick in your radar range. No sir. Popcorn in a popper. Popcorn in YOUR West Bend 82306X Stir Crazy 6-Quart Electric Popcorn Popper. Life has been a dream—one popperful of corn at a time. Different flavors of popcorn salt on different days. And on Saturday…CARAMEL CORN!

Here’s the deal. I design components, just like the crack staff at West Bend. We all sat in the same classes, with the same barely-speaking-English professors, learning basic design concepts. Among those: avoid stress risers. Stress risers are sharp corners in components, where cracks are likely to begin, and quickly propagate. I explain this to you as though you don’t know what I’m talking about.

I’m accusing West Bend of intentionally designing an Achilles heel into their popper globe. My globe is hanging on by a thread, and you know it. You planned it. You’re giggling about it.

Why else would you design such a sharp corner, where the handle meets the globe. That globe is so flimsy and flexible, leaving that area so vulnerable to cracking. In fact, to slow the crack propagation down, I’ve ceased washing the oily popcorn aftermath from the inside of the globe.

You know darn well that there should be a nice rounded, gradual transition, with reinforcing ribs. I’m sure that saving several cents, plus creating a reason for folks to buy a new West Bend 82306X Stir Crazy 6-Quart Electric Popcorn Popper.

Well I say no. I’m really angry. I’m going to climb the highest mountain and shout it at the top of my lungs.

I’m a dissatisfied customer. I’d appreciate a written explanation.

Sincerely,

Jerry
--------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Apr 2010 08:20:13 -0600

From: service@focuselectrics.com
Subject: Focus Customer Service Request B10-04-0182

Please email back the four digit date code beginning with zero or nine from the base of the machine. Also, include the date and store of purchase. With this information we can assist you further.

Regards,

Alyssa
CSR
-------------------------------------
To: service@focuselectrics.com
Subject: RE: Focus Customer Service Request B10-04-0182
Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2010 23:49:16 -0400

Hi Alyssa,

It's 0044. Is this the 44th day of 2000? Keep in mind, it had an eight year hiatus on a shelf, when I had discovered potato chips.

Thanks,

Jerry
---------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2010 06:37:33 -0600

From: service@focuselectrics.com
Subject: Focus Customer Service Request B10-04-0182

Unfortunately, your unit was manufactured by the original West Bend company in 2000, and discontinued before Focus Electrics acquired the company about 5 years ago. Because you unit is 10 years old the only option we can give at this time is to purchase a new lid, or we can give you a discount on a new popper. The lid is part P347-2D for $22.94, which includes shipping and handling. You can order online at www.focuselectrics.com, or with customer service at 866-290-1851.

We are willing to offer you a new unit at a discounted price. Please log onto our website at www.focuselectrics.com to view our current product offerings. If you choose to receive the discount of 30% off (coupon code 30AK) of the regular listed price please contact customer service at 866-290-1851. Please contact us back if you require further assistance/

Regards,

Alyssa

CSR

If you reply to this message, please be sure that the request id B10-04-0182 is contained in the subject line of your email.
-----------------------------------------
To: service@focuselectrics.com

Subject: RE: Focus Customer Service Request B10-04-0182
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 2010 22:39:47 -0400

Alyssa,

I think I figured it out. I paid $29.99 for a popper back in 2000. I can buy basically the same popper in 2010 at Target for $29.99. Or, I can buy the poorly designed lid for $22.94.

My other option is to go on your website and pay $44.93 for the same 6 quart Stir Crazy popper that I can get at Target for $29.99. With your 30% off coupon, that's $31.45 plus shipping.

Plus, I don't see that the lid handle on the new model is really improved at all. Why not fix the lid once and for all?

Jerry

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Post # 138 - Simply Potatoes, Potassium Sorbate, Disodium Pyrophosphate and Sodium Bisulfite 4-7-2010

Dear Simply Potatoes Folk,

I am a simple man. I sing a simple song. That song is “I shall eat nothing that I can’t pronounce”.

I love potatoes, but quite frankly, they’re a lot of work. Cooking. Peeling. Dicing. Seasoning. I have commitments to keep. Clients, partners, justices of the peace, they care little about my little potato fetish.

I was at the local grocery store, picking up my organic meats, vegetables, fruits, and dairy products. I walked right past the bread isle—too many chemicals in a loaf of factory bread. I walked past the cereals—after wheat, there are about 86 ingredients that I’ve never heard of.

Then I saw “Simply Potatoes”. Finally—someone gets it. A product that is what it says. Potatoes. Simply that.

My girlfriend Trina is a label-reader. One snowy Saturday evening, I was cooking her a lovely Cornish hen supper. As I was preparing the potatoes, she looked at the package and pointed out the additives: potassium sorbate, disodium pyrophosphate and sodium bisulfite. I’ve never heard of any of these.

I’m sure they have a purpose. I’m sure they do something. But don’t they go against the “Simply Potatoes” label? Aren’t you selling a big potato fib? For all I know, I served Trina Mr. Potato heads, chopped in little bits.

Trina suggested that I sprinkle the left over potatoes on the freshly fallen blanket of snow. Would they melt it? You tell me.

I think the label should read “Simply Potatoes, Potassium Sorbate, Disodium Pyrophosphate and Sodium Bisulfite”.

Sincerely,

Jerry
------------------
No response

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Post # 137 - Dasani Purified, Mineralized Rouge River Water - 4/4/2010

Dear Dasani,


I run marathons. Sometimes distance training involves temps well into the 90’s. When I’m hydrating, I’d like to know in my heart of hearts that I’m not drinking something that could in fact further dehydrate me. I’d like something that doesn’t have additives which may swell my hands, tongue, and face.

What gives? What’s with adding table salt, potassium chloride, and magnesium sulfate to your water? I’ve read where your additives can cause dehydration and kidney failure in harsh conditions.

Fess up. I live in Michigan—the suburbs of Detroit. Where does Southeastern Michigan water come from? Does it come from some pure spring-fed water source? Is that spring the Rouge River? Is your water indeed tap water? Tap water that you’ve “reverse-osmosis-ized”, mineralized, poured into a bottle, and sealed?

Let’s cut to the facts. I pay $36 a month for more water than I can use. I can just as easily fill a reusable bottle with my tap water, as I can buy your tap water. What’s my motivation to buy your tap water? The label? The sensuously curved bottle?

Also, as bottled water becomes increasingly “uncool” to drink (plastic bottles), your competitors have started making their bottles with much less plastic. What are you doing? I see you’re going to a 30% plant-based material composition. Why not go 100% non-plastic? Because that’s what tap water is doing these days.

Lots of questions.

Thanks,

Jerry
---------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Apr 2010 14:00:33 -0400
From: dasani.support@na.ko.com

Subject: RE: DASANI CUSTOMER CONTACT

Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company, Jerry. We welcome the opportunity to respond to your concerns.

The water used to make DASANI brand bottled water is tested and approved water from municipal water systems. It undergoes further purification treatment in our plants.

To make DASANI water, we use reverse osmosis, which is a molecular-level filtration process. During this process, most minerals and impurities are removed from the bottling plant's incoming water supply. As a result of this treatment, the water used to make DASANI contains less than 10 parts per million of total dissolved solids. To improve the taste of our purified water, we add a small amount of mineral salts to it after completion of the purification treatment.

We made the decision to add minerals to DASANI based on consumer taste testing. Our research demonstrated that the addition of a very low level of minerals can improve the likeability of the water.

Please be assured that Coca-Cola brand soft drinks do not contain any harmful substances. DASANI and all Coca-Cola brand products are wholesome beverages manufactured in compliance with the federal law governing food safety and labeling, the laws of all the states, and the laws of over 200 countries throughout the world where they are sold.

Additionally, for future generations of the "PlantBottle™", we are looking at using other plants and plant wastes, such as wood chips, corn stover or wheat stalks. Our vision is to develop and commercialize PET plastic bottles that are made completely from renewable resources and are recyclable.

We hope this information is helpful and assures your confidence in our brands. If you have any additional questions, please feel free to contact us again.

Greg

Industry and Consumer Affairs

The Coca-Cola Company

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