Post# 215 - The Miller Lite Vortex Colonic

I sent this to MillerCoors on 8/7/2011:

Dear Miller Brewing,

As the owner of a struggling coffee house, I hate seeing unused coffee go to waste.  I have attempted to add a colonic business.  Our motto is "Mac's Coffee and Colonics: Coffee In, Coffee Out."   We get significant drive-up business on Monday through Friday, 6 to 9 AM.  The colonic business is  hit and miss--lots of appointments from Halloween to New Years, and otherwise, an appointment here or there.

The thing with the colonics is, it just takes too long to attract drive-up.  The average session takes 29 minutes.  If, for a little additional discomfort, we could accelerate the process and make it 14 or less minutes, then, it becomes an impulse buy.  People can then order one up on the way to work.

This is where Miller comes in.

I've "fit" my colonic station with a prototype colonic apparatus.  The key element is the end from one of your "Vortex" bottles as the end-fitting.  You know, the "business end" of the machine.  The theory is: if beer flows out of your bottle faster, shouldn't the similar fluid dynamics apply for coffee?

Let's face it.  Studies show that one can ingest beer 37 percent faster with the Vortex.  My independent study shows as much as a 43 percent improvement.  I've tried this colonic apparatus out on a focus group--some expressed mild discomfort.  One subject labeled the larger end as, "intrusive."  Others really enjoyed it quite a bit.  Overall, I improved my throughput, bringing my average time down to 16 minutes.  With a few other process improvements, I believe I can get us to 14 minutes, allowing the business to "take off."

From a legal standpoint, would there be anything preventing me from using your Vortex bottle?  I'm sure a cursory check of emergency rooms around the country would show that these bottles have been placed "up there" many times in the past on fraternity dares, household projects gone awry, etc.  If there are legal loopholes, I'd be willing to go halvsies with you on this project.

In any case, things are on hold (but ready to go) until you get back to me.

Sincerely,

Jerry

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Subject: Regarding Case #:20721323
Date: Tuesday, August 9, 2011, 11:14 AM

Thanks for contacting us.

Unfortunately, MillerCoors is not seeking any unsolicited business opportunities at this time.

We appreciate your interest in our company.

Cheers!

Sincerely, MillerCoors Consumer Affairs Department
Ref: Case#N20721323

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Post # 192 - Miller Lite and Their Vortex Marketing Gimmick

I sent this on 5/4/2010.

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Dear Miller Brewing,

I realize that by mentioning your new Vortex bottle, you can proclaim partial success with the marketing. However, don’t get too excited. I take issue with your new Miller Lite Vortex bottle.

If we believe the publicity hype, the goal is to “create buzz and excitement and give consumers another reason to choose Miller.” What the hell does that actually mean?

I’m not going to dig into the sciences of fluid mechanics—I leave that to the team that created the wide mouth cans and bottles. Here’s what I know: the secret to winning a beer chugging contest is spinning the bottle. By spinning the beer for your consumer, you’re helping them chug faster.

I’m sure you’re going to vehemently deny that you intend to make people drink faster (and more) of your beverages. I’m sure you’re going to hide behind the “create buzz and excitement” line of thinking. If you’re basically saying that your consumer base needs a gimmick to buy more of your beer, aren’t you insulting their intelligence?

Back to the “drink faster” theory. If I drink faster because the bottle helps me, then I suppose you’ve done your job. You’ve created a buzz.

Nice job. Don’t forget to keep throwing the “chug responsibly” disclaimer in there at the end.

Sincerely,

Jerry

PS – I laughed at this statement on your website FAQ:

IS BEER FATTENING?

Take heart... Beer has no fat and no cholesterol. Most beers have about 13 calories per ounce, compared, for example, to champagne with 25 and chablis with 22. Take a look at the nutritional information for each of our brands.

Way to dodge that one.
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