My letter to AT&T, sent 9/5/1996:
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Dear AT &T, 
As a self-taught Mime, I have not spoken in 14 years. Words take away from self expression--they cannot add value to a thought or feeling. Freud alluded that communication is 85 percent nonverbal. I believe we can easily round it up to 100 percent! Aside from passing checks, I never write. It is with great regret that I resort to the written word now, but I see no alternative.My biggest nonverbal challenge has been communication by phone. Time after time, when the phone rings, I foolishly pick it up, only to realize the helpless situation in which I have placed myself. I have contemplated Morse code, and even those “typing” phones, but sadly, those methods only relay words--the very cause of all of this rage!! Finally, it occurred to me like a blinding ray of sun--the MimeFone 2000!!!
The MimeFone 2000 consists of two virtual reality gloves, a video camera to record facial expressions, and a video screen to display facial expressions and two robotic “hands” that duplicate the gestures from the other line. The person speaking on the MimeFone places their hands in the gloves, faces the camera, and expresses their feelings to the other person. Now, I know you are thinking that the other person needs the MimeFone also. Well, to achieve ultimate satisfaction from this service, the answer is an obvious “Yes” However, the listener can pay for an interpreter--a middle person to (dare I say it) verbalize the gestures and expressions. The Mime can hear the interpreter, and if the verbalization is incorrect, he or she can gesture “No!” And so forth. By the year 2000, my goal is to have MimeFones everywhere that a verbal phone already exists.
This nonverbal technology is bound to make all of us stinking rich. Sure, every verbalist has this image of a Mime’s lifestyle as being carefree and reckless--tons of cash, women, and creature comforts. That is what they see at their County Fairs and Art Expo’s. On the contrary, the life of a Mime is often filled with a degree of loneliness, poverty, and angst. With this nonverbal technology, my life of poverty will be over--and forever!
Furthermore, this is merely a steppingstone for my larger goal--to replace the English Language by nonverbal, or “Mime” expression, by 2000 AD. The United Mimes of America! We will re-establish ourselves as the World Power. At his State of the Union Address, our nonverbal President (N.V.P) will be seen performing the “I’m Unpeeling a Banana” to demonstrate our nation “unpeeling his new, overly ripe and unappealing) budget plan," and “I’m Trapped in This Box" (Actually the confines created by my party’s past mistakes) routines.
My request to you is simple: An honest opinion about our future endeavor--will we make millions together, or trillions. I must conclude this letter now, as I have obligations as the President of Mimes Opposing Crime, a nonprofit organization, which I personally founded in 1992. M.O.C. is 85 strong, and actively recruiting in theater schools, coffee houses, and street corners around the country. Our nonverbal demonstrations often have musical accompaniment, and little refreshments.
Nonverbally Yours,
Jerry
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No Reply
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Follow-up, sent 11/19/1996:
Dear Non-Communicators:
There are five things that nonverbally upset me:
1) When one of our newer mimes uses flour and Crisco instead of splurging for real facial make-up.
2) When Randall puts itching powder in my black tights--Yee-Oww!!
3) When I wash my black clothes with my white bed sheets and everything ends up gray.
4) Verbal communication of any type unless it is an absolute emergency.
5) Companies who fail to respond, either nonverbally or verbally, to their customers’ concerns.
On September 5, 1996, I wrote you a letter--my first verbal communication in 14 years (excluding checks). I explained how, as a self-taught mime, my goal was, by 2000, to eliminate all verbal communication, as words only interfere with the true expressions of our thoughts and feelings. I proposed the MimeFone 2000--a revolutionary means of spreading nonverbal communication throughout the modern world.
It consists of two virtual reality gloves, and a video camera to record facial expressions, as well as a video screen to relay facial expressions and two robotic “hands” that duplicate the gestures from the other line. The person speaking on the MimeFone places their hands in the gloves, faces the camera, and expresses their feelings to the other person. The other person can either communicate with a MimeFone 2000, or pay a third party to verbally interpret the gestures of the mime. It can’t miss.
Did you ever stop to think that this scenario is the very reason for which I loathe verbal communication? If I could mail you my nonverbal interpretation of this letter, it would conquer all. You would be caught up in the rapture, feeling all of my passions, inner feelings, and aspirations. You would, in a sense, be a part of what I am feeling in a manner that words cannot express. There would be an immediate connection between our inner souls, with the experiences and feelings of all of our past lives connected for that one brief moment. But the words just got in the way now, didn’t they? Test that out in your little town.I also asked for a phone for my wife because her G.E. verbal phone crapped out on her. I have tried to get her to become nonverbal, but the response is always the same nonverbal gesture with her middle finger. This issue, above all, has placed some strain on our relationship over the years, but love conquers all. She loves my act, especially my David Byrne “Once In A Lifetime” impression (same as it ever was...).
Don’t forget--it was the spoken word that caused Black Monday. Verbal communication caused the Beatles’ Break-up. Verbal communication probably caused the exile from Eden, too. If we let it go, it will ruin the world. Please respond to my letter, and let’s finally chalk one up for the verbalists!
Mime on, You Crazy Diamond,
Jerry
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No Reply. AT&T missed out.
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No Reply. AT&T missed out.
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