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Friday, September 2, 2011

Post# 208 - Figuring Out The Coca Cola Secret Formula

This letter was sent on 3/20/2011:

Dear Coca Cola,

I am allergic to pollen.  Always have been.  It took years and years to figure it out.  I would sneeze and cough so hard that I would vomit.  The only thing that would settle my stomach?  Coke.

About 25 years ago, you changed Coke.  Coke II was a wretched concoction.  Unable to settle my stomach down, I decided to figure out the source of all of my ailments.  I entered an allergy clinic in Telluride, Colorado.  Later, when you changed to Coke Classic, I hopped back on the bandwagon.  To this day, I can’t go 24 hours without my Coke.

At this clinic that I mentioned, I made several lifelong friends.  Each year we meet for a weekend in June, in a different friend’s host city.  On the first night (Friday), we eat whatever the host likes.  Those who are allergic stay home until Saturday morning.  On Saturday and Sunday morning, we eat a menu that complies with each friend’s diet.  In other words, if one person can’t eat something, no one eats it.  We respect one another’s allergies.  It’s all part of the solidarity.

Guess what?  This June, my friends are coming to my town for the weekend...  On Friday, I want to serve portabella burgers and sweet potato fries, with Coke.  I’ve verified the ingredients in my burger (the bun, the mushroom, sautéed onions, provolone cheese, zippy mayo, and mustard).  I’ve verified the ingredients for my fries (sweet potatoes, butter, bourbon reduction, and a tiny dash of cayenne pepper).

I now need to verify that Coke will work for each of my friends.  Here are their ailments:

  • Julie is allergic to coriander.  It makes her sneezy.
  • Timothy is allergic to caramel.  It gives him a rash.
  • Steve is allergic to vanilla.  He gets nasally.
  • Alan is allergic to caffeine.  His whole back gets itchy.
  • Max is allergic to orange oil.  He breaks into a cold sweat.
  • Stephanie is allergic to nutmeg.  She gets a fever.
  • Juan is allergic to lime juice.  He starts coughing uncontrollably.
  • Louis is allergic to citric acid.  He’ll be running for the restroom.
  • Suki is allergic to corn syrup.  She vomits like the penguins at the zoo.
  • Barbara is allergic to lemon oil.  She loses her voice.
  • Lance is allergic to neroli.  He develops goiterous bumps.
  • Tom is allergic to coca extract.  He experiences mild nausea.
  • Charlene is allergic to cinnamon.  She hallucinates Hanna Barbara characters.

I don’t know your secret recipe, and frankly, I find it ridiculous that people try to copy something that they can just buy for a buck at the store.  Am I right?  The reason I write you (aside from wanting to thank you for always being there for me in my time of need): I need to know which friends I should tell to not come until Saturday.  Again, without divulging the special recipe, can you tell me who, based on my friends’ allergies, I should ask not to come until Saturday?

Any information that you can provide is greatly appreciated.


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