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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Post #3 - Baco's Saved My Life!!!

My Note to General Mills, sent 6/20/2009:

Dear General Mills: Baco-Bits Division,

I just love your imitation bacon-flavored food particles! I dress up all of my salads, soups and party dips with your product. The kids take them to school and make artwork with them. My vanity plate reads “BACOS 1”. Recently, your product kept the Angel of Death from knocking on my door.

My youngest son, Elmer, is the Skip of an 11-and-under curling travel club. Last December, Elmer had a tournament in Nova Scotia. Sixteen teams of highly trained kids, all focused on one coveted prize—the Stones of Gold trophy.

The tournament went so-so. Elmer stunk up the joint with mis-calculated pebble assessment and errant sweeps--bad curling. Afterward, the Vice-Skip, Rusty, berated my son. On the long drive home, the other two, Randy and Marcus, fought over the last Rice Krispy treat. Morale was low—and the impending blizzard did not help us.

My van ended up in a ditch in the middle of nowhere. As the drifting snow enveloped my van, Elmer, Rusty, Randy and Marcus put aside their differences and huddled together for warmth. As hours turned into days, our battery died. We couldn’t open the doors. I found and rationed several ketchup packets to the kids (Elmer received one less because he screwed up the tournament). Then I realized, that buried beneath curling equipment in the back, I had a jumbo container of…Baco’s, intended for zesty holiday recipes, and all occasions.

Your Baco’s REALLY helped us out. They provided delicious bacon-like nourishment to four famished lads, and their coach. More importantly, in a bold move, I busted my windows, and placed Baco’s in the surrounding wall of snow. The high sodium content, plus our body heat, enabled me to melt the snow surrounding the van.

Your delicious imitation bacon-flavored food particles enabled me to melt the snow in front of the van, and blaze a trail onto the road. With me pushing from the back, and my four curlers vigorously sweeping the surface in front of the van, we “slid” the van onto the road.

Rusty is a really big nerd. He took all of the batteries from camcorder, video games, and my emergency flashlight, and rigged them into a battery pack, capable of one good charge. With a little luck, we jump-started the van, and drove to the next town. Tim Horton’s never tasted so sweet. On the way home, we sang (in unison) “Let It Snow”.

Baco’s saved our lives. Thanks to your delicious imitation bacon-flavored food particles, I was able to live to see another day. You should consider marketing your product as a means for survival. That movie “Alive!” could have been named “Baco’s!” if only someone had thought ahead. I believe Ned Beatty’s trip down the Chattahoochee would have gone much better if he had a thing of Baco’s. Please let me know what you think.



PS—how about some freebies to share with the other families to commemorate our adventure?
Sent: 6/23/09 11:09 AM
Dear Mr. Herman:

Thank you for contacting General Mills regarding Betty Crocker Bac*O Bits. We appreciate the time you have taken to share your positive feedback with us. We will be very happy to pass on your comments to the product team.

We are committed to creating the highest quality products for our consumers. Feedback such as yours helps us achieve this goal for the future.

We appreciate your loyalty and hope you continue to enjoy our products.


Consumer Services
RE: General Mills Web 2009/06/23-0822 ZRS
Sent: Tue 6/23/09 10:55 PM

Dear Rhonda,

Really? I proclaim my loyalty and share a great story about how your product saved the lives of five people in a blizzard. You respond with a phoned-in, generic form letter? Thanks for plugging in the correct product. Is Rhonda even a real person, or is that your pseudo name?

What if all of us phoned it in? What if firefighters just generically sprayed some water at burning buildings, without really thinking about things like backdraft, people inside, etc? What if doctors phoned in exams, overlooking details, rubberstamping medical records “He’s okay.” What if teachers just doled out lectures and assignments with no regard to the students’ needs? Our society would be generic. Remember the neighborhood in Edward Scissorhands, where each house looked identical to each other house? The developers in that neighborhood phoned it in.

Rhonda, I’ve been to the edge. I vow to never ever do to anyone what you just did to me, except for telemarketers. But at the same time, maybe I think I should start buying generic cake mixes, dehydrated potato products, and generic imitation bacon matter to sprinkle artfully and whimsically on my salads, soups and party dips. And what a shame—I have a killer party dip for which I was going to give Betty a lot of credit!

When Betty Crocker got up that day and said “I think I’ll shut this shady massage parlor down and become a legitimate cook”, the very idea of phoning it in probably seemed like a sin. Betty never phoned it in, and neither should you!

What now, Rhonda?


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