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Thursday, August 27, 2009

Post# 10 - War on Spam: UK Lottery Winner Kenny Loggins!!!

Date: Tue, 16 Jun 2009 02:09:09 +0000
From: Leo Stocker
UK National Lottery, congratulate you are a success Winner of £1,000,000.00 to claim your prize contact Barr terry woodgate, E-mail: Barr terry woodgate
June 15, 2009

Dear Barr terry woodgate,

I received two emails from leo stocker. In our correspondences to and fro, I'm calling him lowercase leo. I hope that's acceptable.

Both notes were grammatically incorrect. There were commas out of place. They seemed a bit...Nigerian. Is that possible?

The first note offered what I assume is "congratulations", that I'm a winner (with a capital W). I wasn't referred to by name, and you really never told me how I became so lucky. Then he refers to you, but only your first name, Barr, is capitalized. This seems odd to me. Why do you not capitalize all of your names? Is this some sort of insult?

Regardless, it couldn't come at a more opportune time. I bet a colleague £250,000.00 that I could lose 50 pounds in 50 days. On day 49, I found myself at 49 pounds. I donated my kidneys to the black market--I figured kidneys would "put me over" the top. I could win the bet, and buy them back for £500,000.00, keeping the rest. Well, kidneys don't weigh that much. After doing this, I was a half pound below my target. So now I'm out £250,000.00 and two kidneys. Talk about a rough day.

As I type this from my hospital bed, I can't help but think about the second note. lowercase leo gently suggested that you may be an alcoholic and a womanizer who doesn't wash his hands in the restroom. He plans on screwing you out of your part of the business and sending you to jail for embezzlement. He's sleeping with Mrs. woodgate. His sentence structure is very unorthodox--I may have misunderstood.

My info is below. I don't have a bank account--I use my neighbor's mattress. He doesn't even know! I'm assuming you need my bank account number or some sort of processing fee. Which one? Like kidneys, I have neither.

Say hi to Mrs. woodgate for me!


RE: Uk National Lottery "FILL AND RETURN"
From: Barrterry Woodgate
Sent: Tue 6/16/09 3:46 AM
1 attachment


Letter Date: 06-16-2009
From Barrister terry woodgate
To Winner,

Good day to you lucky winner, how are you doing today? sorry for the late reply to your email. Congratulations once again, your email indicating you as a winner in the lottery programs held by UK NATIONAL LOTTERY. your email address was selected through the computer ballot system drawn from over 25,000,000 company and 40,000,000 individual email addresses, your email address attached to a single ticket was found as one of the lucky email address that emerge from the first category to have won the sum of £1,000,000.00 (One Million Pounds).

I have attached your verifications form to this email. You are advised to fill out your information correctly and send it back to me as soon as possible, so that i can start the claims Process.

Once again i say congratulations to you. I await your swift reply.

Warm Regards
Barrister Terry Woodgate
Your Claims Agent.

Sent: Tue 6/16/09 8:19 PM
To: Barr terry woodgate

Dear Barrister Terry Woodgate Chamber,

First, how do you think I’m doing? I don’t have any frigging kidneys. I’m hooked up to a machine that filters my blood. I’m in massive debt. And the black market that took possession of my kidneys burned to the ground. That part is new.

No disrespect, Barrister, but I’ve been reading your little notes and attachments. Your capitalization skills suck. You lowercase the first person possessive pronoun “I. You separated “everything” into two words. You use “there” in places where you should be using “their”. How, I ask, did you get through Barrister school? How, I ask, do you pass yourself off as a Brit? Also, you guys really sucked up that Revolutionary War.

Here’s my info from your grammatically deficient attachment:
1. Name: Kenneth Loggins
2. Address: 17 Cadbury Crème Egg Lane
3. Marital Status: It’s Complicated
4. Occupation: Furry Singer and Songwriter
5. Age: That’s None of Your Beeswax!
6. Sex: Furry Male
7. Country of Residence: USA
8. Telephone Number: 000-000-001 (I’m a direct descendent of A. G. Bell. First phone # was willed to me).
9. Fax Number: Nope.
10. Draw Number above: Why do I have to copy it? You already have it. How lazy are you?
11. company/brief description: I haven’t been heard from in a while. Can I sing you a song?


Kenneth Loggins
RE: Cleared: Contact Payment Delivery Company

From: Barr.terry Woodgate

Sent: Wed 6/17/09 10:28AM

Letter Date: 06-17-2009
From Barrister terry woodgate
To Kenneth Loggins,

Hello Kenneth Loggins, how are you doing today?

I am pleased to inform you that your claims have been duly verified and endorsed by the UK National Lottery Organizations (U.L.O) thus you have been confirmed a winner in this quarter of the UK National Lottery Online Sweepstakes Promotion. You have therefore been approved to receive a lump lottery payout sum to the tune of £1,000,000.00 (One Million Pounds) in cash credited to your file (XB3/701/LNRC).

The hard copy of all relevant lottery winning documents which includes your Winnings Certificate, Certified Bank Cheque and Clear Source of Funds Certificate (C.S.F.C) and your details for delivery, has been deposited with our contracted payment office (City Link Courier Express Logistics Ltd.) for onward dispatch to you. You are to immediately contact City Link Express Logistics Ltd.

You are required to contact our payment delivery Company for the delivery of your won prize to you with there contact details below:.

City Link Courier Express Logistics Limited.
Address: Unit 4 Armstrong Business Center, Goldie Rd,
Bothwell Park Ind Est, Uddingston, G71 6PBP.
Contact: Official: Mr. Garry Jones (Director, Operations/Logistics)

Email: garr jones

The following requirements should be sent to their office for confirmation and final process for payment.You will be sent your winning draft from their office.

1, Full Names..................
2, Occupation..................
3, Nationality...................
4, Address, ie were i want my parcel to be delivered to ...................
5, Amount Won...............
6, Phone Numbers...........

NOTE: You are advice to give them a call immediately after the submission of below informations.

Stand informed that in accordance with Section 24(c) of the International Lottery Act of 1996, winners residing/resident outside the United Kingdom and inside the United Kingdom may be obliged with financial responsibilities as regards disbursement of cash prize to their location because the British Gambling Board does not permit the UK National Lottery to assume such responsibilities outside the United Kingdom. This is in line with the Insurance policy drawn on your cash prize to counter misappropriation of funds in the course of remittance on contraction to City Link Express Logistics Courier company Ltd.

Please note that its imperative that you add your Identification Code {XB3/701/LNRC} as the subject on initial correspondence with the City Link Courier Express Logistics via email.

Ensure to keep all information about your award confidential as earlier informed until your cash prize has been remitted to you. This is to avoid double claiming/disqualification in this final stage of your clam's process.

I would require a concise update on your proceedings with the payment office as soon as you are in contact with them. If you need any assistance, Please do not hesitate to let me know.

Best regards,
Barrister. terry woodgate.
Your claims agent
Sent: Wed 6/17/09 9:36 PM
To: Barr terry woodgate
Cc: garr jones

Dear Barrister terry woodgate,

I am alright. Nobody worry about me. Why do you have to give me a fight? Why can’t you let me be? Actually, I have had a pretty lousy day. We lost power. My electric kidney machine shut down. So I hooked it up to my bike, which has one of those headlights hooked up to a generator. I tow my machine around, while pedaling to power it. I’m safe as long as I pedal. So I’m typing this as I pedal my bike continuously around our local McDonalds (free WiFi).

You keep asking me for the same information over and over. You ask me to enter codes and amount won, from one part of the page to the other. You still lowercase your name. That really creeps me out. Why wouldn’t you carbon copy those other dudes, right in your initial email, like I am right now? A bunch of red flags are going up over here!

I called your Mr. Gary Jones contact. I don’t like him. I won’t deal with him. He fired one too many mom joke my way. He swore like a sailor. He was unprofessional, and I may take legal action. Plus, I got the impression, from one of his anecdotes, that he doesn’t wash his hands after using the restroom. He won’t be handling my money! I’m not dealing with him anymore. It’s you or nobody, Barrister terry!

I’m feeling pressured to advance our relationship on this end. When the paperwork goes through, and the check is issued, you won’t want to be my friend anymore. That makes me sad. I’d like to “back ‘er up” a little bit and get to know Barrister Terry a bit.

Barrister Terry—have you ever loved a woman unconditionally? Do you look like Adam Ant, with the powdery wig and all? What’s your most embarrassing moment? Have you ever cried at a movie?

These are the questions that keep me awake at night! I should probably stop typing and pay attention to where I’m going on this ten-speed. I just t-boned a lady and her little punk. There goes my kidney machine, into oncoming traffic. To be continued...


Kenneth Loggins

Dear Barrister terry,

Bad news. I am the lone offspring of Kenneth Loggins. We buried Pa today. A lone dove was released into the sunny skies, and we sang “Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water”. Then we ate ham and potato salad from Sam’s Club that I think was expired.

Pa’s not able to continue this project. He willed it to me. So what’s the deal? How do I get the old man’s money? He was rough on you—he told me during our daily massage time with Frida. But he only wanted you to be the best Barrister terry you could be! If there’s one lesson to take from all of this, that is it.

Let me know—the old man left me only a chest freezer full of Ore Ida potato products. Everything else went to his live-in masseuse, Frida.

Peace Out!

Buck Loggins-Mazzola
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