Post # 109 - Magic Chef, Walmart, and This Too Shall Pass - 8/17/09

This started as an innocent letter to "Magic Chef", the supposed manufacturer of my bread maker.  All I wanted was a replacment paddle thing for my bread maker--mine disappeared.  As it turns out, Magic Chef is another name for....Walmart.

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Dear Magic Chef,

It happened last month--I made a loaf of bread using my Magic Chef bread maker. The loaf was intended for my Great Auntie Marge's 95th birthday party. We had rented a moon bounce, hot air balloons, and a Frank Sinatra sound-a-like. The loaf would be the final piece in a delightful deli spread. The guests--Marge's still-living friends, and relatives, but no kids (Marge doesn't like kids), would take turns at the different activities, while enjoying thinly sliced cold cuts, delightfully aged cheeses, and gourmet spreads, on my delicious bread.

They say it happens for every baker once--you bake a recipe to perfection, and it seduces you with no warning. That bread came out perfect, and it was all crunchy on the outside and steamy moist on the inside. The steamy aroma grabbed a hold of my attention like some gin-fueled temptress. Next thing I knew, I tore into that loaf like a rabid bear. In my mind, as I ingested large chunk after large chunk, I thought of mean things Marge did to me as a kid. Pennies for Halloween. Eating all of the cookies. Clipping her toenails in my father's lazy chair, and not chasing after the shrapnel. As I polished that last bite, I thought "to heck with Auntie Marge."

As I hastily threw back together the ingredients, I realized that I accidentally ingested the little paddle that kneads the dough. Often, that thing would come out of the bread maker, impaled, if you will, in the bottom of the loaf of bread. I've had several close calls, but this time, I accidentally swallowed it. I know it's large, but this loaf was REALLY good and I got a bit overzealous. When I get overzealous, sometimes I forget to chew. This was confirmed when I received my x-ray, which shows it more or less "lodged" in my intestinal tract.

Doc says it's harmless, as long as I don't feel any pain. He said more harm could come from operating, than could come from having it "pass" naturally (which could take 7 to 10 years). Doc said I would know when it was "passing". He also gave me a special "permission slip" for airport security, since it may set off the alarms.

To me, this is something that should be fixed with your design. The paddle shouldn't come out in the loaf. That seems unsafe to me. A lesser man might have encountered complications.

In the meantime, is there any way you could send me a replacement paddle? Otherwise. I have to wait several years to bake bread again.

By the way, Auntie Marge won't be having another birthday. She passed.

Sincerely,

Jerry
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Reply from Ray at Magic Chef, on 8/18/2009

That is not a product that we sell or service. Please contact Wal-Mart Small Appliance @ 800-966-6546 for assistance with that item.

Ray
MC Appliance

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I sent this on 9/13/2009

Dear Walmart--

I was referred to you by Magic Chef Ray. He said Walmart Small Appliances services Magic Chef Breadmakers. Please see my attached note. And no, it still hasn't passed. Can you help?

Sincerely,
Jerry
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Walmart replied on 9/15/2009 with a survey asking me to critique how well they handled my problem. It was 25 questions--basically five questions restated five ways. I'll skip to the comments section:

Dear Walmart.com Customer,

Our records indicate that you recently contacted our Customer Service Department at Walmart.com. We would appreciate it if you would take a few minutes to share your experience with us so we may continuously improve our service in the future.

The survey is short and should not take more than 5 minutes to complete.

Thank you in advance for sharing your time and opinions with us today. We really appreciate it.

It's Your Walmart!!!

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Walmart: Is there ONE thing Walmart.com could have done to completely satisfy you? Please be as specific as possible.


Jerry: For starters, respond to my note before you send a survey asking how well you handled my problem.

Walmart: Do you have any other comments you would like to share with us about this experience with Walmart.com's Customer Service?

Jerry: Unacceptable. This survey would have been much more positive had someone responded first. It looks bad--like all Walmart cares about is their image.

Response from Walmart on 9/15/2009

Thank you for your message.

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for your correspondence regarding your merchandise inquiry. Our goal is to assist you by forwarding this information to the proper department. Please assist us in expediting your resolution by providing the following information:

Regarding the Wal-Mart store you visited (there may be more than one store in your city and we would like to narrow it down to your local store):

- Store number or telephone number (located near the top of store receipt)

OR

- Street address including City/State

Regarding your contact information so someone may contact you back:

- Your telephone number

Regarding merchandise information:

- UPC #, located underneath the product barcode or on your receipt

If it is a food item:

- 'Best By' date
- Lot code number (located next to 'Best By' date)

If the UPC number is unavailable, please provide the following:

- Brand name
- Model number (if applicable)
- Please, describe the size, color, use, etc. of the product

Your Walmart experience is important to us and we will make every effort to address your issue in a timely manner.

Thank you for allowing Walmart to continue saving you money, so you can live better.

Sincerely,

Walmart Customer Care

For further correspondence regarding this issue, please reply to this email.

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My response on 9/22/2009:

Hi.

This breadmaker is a Magic Chef. I contacted Magic Chef. They told me to contact Walmart. This was all covered in my original note.

The breadmaker was purchased circa 2004 at your store in Livonia. This isn't a store issue. It's a design issue with the product. The paddle in the bread machine came out in the loaf of bread. I accidentally swallowed it. My x-ray is attached.

I don't have a phone. I threw it out when I became Amish. It didn't take, and I'm part-way back. No phones or TV's. Computers only for email and internet and games. Amish people eat bread, so I felt justified with my bread machine purchase.

Model Number is CBM-310(310).

Thanks,

Jerry
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Walmart Michelle's response on 9/28/2009:

Thank you for your message.

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for contacting us about the Magic Chef Breadmaker that you purchased. We appreciate your comments and have forwarded them to the appropriate areas for review. Unfortunately, we do not carry replacement parts for this model any longer.

Again, thank you for contacting us and for your business. We look forward to serving you in our stores for many years!

If we can be of any further assistance, please contact us at www.walmartstores.com by e-mail or at 1-800-WALMART.

Thank you
Michelle
Wal-Mart Merchandising Team

For further correspondence regarding this issue, please reply to this email.
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My reply 9/28/2009, sent to Walmart Michelle and Magic Chef Ray

Dear Michelle,

I am angry.

I am actually yelling the words that I am typing, at my keyboard. Are you actually sending this case to Ray at Magic Chef Appliances? What that really means is, no one at Walmart read my original note that detailed that Magic Chef Ray referred me to you.

So my question is, for both you, Walmart Michelle, and you, Magic Chef Ray: Who stands by a product that neither party wants? At some point a decision was made that Products 1 to 1000 were staying with Company X, and Products 1001 to 2000 were staying with Company Y. Were there other products whose customers, it was decided, would not receive support?

The irony of my situation is, I need lots of fiber to “push” the paddle out. That fiber comes from the very bread that I CANNOT MAKE because no one will provide me the service that I need.

Magic Chef Ray, I’m sorry—I don’t know much about your outfit—maybe this is standard procedure—to magically disappear. Walmart Michelle—I expect more from your outfit, founded on Customer Comes First.

I think you should both drop and give me 20.

It will be a long time--a very long time--before I spend money on either of your products.

Sincerely,

Jerry
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Walmart sent two follow-up letters by mail, asking me to call about a settlement.  I didn't call--the word "settlement" sounded a little too official for someone who lost his breadmaker paddle and was just looking for a replacement and a better product for future customers.  It sounded like they were finally making an effort.

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Post # 108 - My One Wish From Genie - 12/30/2009

My exchange below with Genie made me less-than-excited about buying future products from them.  The problem is, they have most of the business.
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Dear Genie,

In the movies, some low-life dusts off a funny looking gravy boat and a genie pops out and grants three wishes.

Right now, I have one wish. That your outdoor remote touchpad garage opener wouldn’t make my house the laughing stock of the neighborhood.

You see, when I bought my house in 2000, I thought a Genie Garage Intellicode Door Opener would be a great addition. Around 2003, I thought the keypad feature would make it easier to come and go with my rapidly blooming taxicab business.

After about year, the battery cover fell off. The retaining feature on the cover must have worn down. Nothing holds it up. Due to the fact that the other end slides “up”, it’s a little hard to duct tape it. The cover blew away one blustery day. Now, the battery just dangles. Is that even safe in the rain, for the kids to be touching a key pad with a wet 9 volt battery dangling down? I say no. And so it sits there, dormant.

Did you people do any testing on that battery cover? Did you think it all the way through? Why wouldn’t you 1) have a hinged design or 2) have it enclosed under the sliding plastic cover?

As it stands, I hear my neighbor referring to us as the “Danglers”. That’s fine—I threw some grubs on his lawn and ran over one of his sprinkler heads with the lawn mower. But my point is, I shouldn’t have to resort to that type of sophomoric behavior.

Can you give me a written explanation?  I have a photo, if it helps.

Thanks,

Jerry
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1/4/2010 response from Genie:


Re: Dangler‏

Dear Valued Customer:

Thank you for contacting Genie regarding your issue/question. We appreciate your business and hope to assist you further. Please see the below response to your inquiry and if immediate assistance is needed, please contact our Customer Care Helpline at the number below.

There is a one year warranty on remotes and keypads. To order a replacement battery cover you can call the number below.

If I have not answered your question or you need additional assistance feel free to reply to this email or call us at 800-354-3643. We are available Mon-Fri 9am-8pm and Sat 10am-6pm EST.

Sincerely,

Brenda

Customer Care - Level 3 Support

The Genie Company

1-800-354-3643
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My 1/4/2010 Response to Genie:

Dear Brenda,

If I worked for Genie, and someone sent me the photo that I sent you, I would be embarrassed. Let me see if I have this straight: A battery last somewhere between 6 and 12 months. I probably replaced the battery twice before the lid became a driveway ornament. You’re basically telling me that a Genie battery cover is only good for one or two uses. I’m betting there’s a little mark-up—that it doesn’t actually cost the $9 that you charge, to manufacture the lid. Probably more like $0.09. So over 6 years, at one replacement per year, that’s $54.

I just figured out how Genie makes their profit, didn’t I? Under-design the battery cover, so people need to buy frequent replacements. I choose NOT to participate in your wicked game.

Instead, I will keep my dangling battery version of the genie remote keypad visible for all to see--sort of a nice word-of-mouth advertisement for Genie. Neighbors will come by on warm summer nights and stare at the shiny, unsafe 9 volt battery and quickly look away. I’ll address the pink elephant head on: “That’s Genie’s under-designed remote keypad. The battery cover works twice. Don’t buy one.”

Furthermore, I’m thinking on my next big garage door opener purchase, I’ll take all factors into account, including this kind of nonsense.

Thanks for the up-sell

Jerry
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My response, sent 1/5/2010

Dear Brenda,


Sometimes when I pull up to the Krispy Kreme Drive Thru for a dozen donuts, they throw in an additional half dozen, just to say “thank you”. Once I lost a bag of groceries in the Meijer parking lot, and they replaced everything that I reported missing, on my word. I’ve read where Smuckers puts a “little extra” jam in their jars as a sign of customer appreciation.

When I pass a Dunkin Donuts, I keep driving until I reach my Krispy Kreme. When Walmart and its lower prices moved into town, I maintained Meijer loyalty,. When I get a hankering for a PB and J, there’s only one choice,--Smucker’s. These companies bend over backward for their customers, and I appreciate it.

I send two notes, expressing my dissatisfaction with your keypad. I describe a problem that I am having with your product under normal use. The tone of your notes is very strong—this is a problem for only one of us.

“We do not have an issue with the battery cover. It is something that we have very rarely had to replace.”

This translates to “that’s your problem, Bub.” To me, this is unacceptable.

Whatever. I’m out of spit. You keep thinking you don’t have a problem. I’ll keep being dissatisfied, and we’ll probably both be right.

Jerry

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 107 - Corona Twelve Pack and Any Salty Snack Rebate: The Great Lie 1-1-2010

This was a rip-off.  I didn't fall for it, but I wonder how many people did.  The "details" on the back are things like receipt with beer and snack circled, UPC codes, etc.  Nothing about what constitutes a salty snack.
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Dear Corona,

Imagine a hectic day-before-Christmas Eve at the grocery store. People hustling and bustling to get their final food purchases to feast and entertain. Perhaps later they might go wassailing, but that’s too far off in the future. People in long check-out lines are crabby and focused on one thing: getting out of there.

As I went through the beer isle, I saw a great deal—a $5 rebate on my favorite beer, Corona. The qualifier: “Any Salty Snack”. Your words, not mine. So I grabbed a "twelver" and a bag of pretzels, since nothing goes better with Corona than salty pretzels. Of course, this also meant the purchase of a few limes.

I walked up to the self-check area with my “lesws-than-15” items, and proceeded. I always ring up alcohol last, since someone needs to check my identification. Toward the end of the process, as I was being carded, the cashier said “read the fine print on that rebate”.

I couldn’t believe my eyes: “$8 Minimum Salty Snack Purchase Required”. For portraying such a carefree lifestyle in your ads, you sure do care how much I spend on my snack, and how salty it is.

What salty snack costs $8? Most bags of chips cost $5 or less. If I bought two bags, would that constitute ONE snack, or two?

What constitutes “Salty”? Would 500 mg of sodium per serving cover us? Vague, and subject to the discretion of someone I’ve never met at the rebate center--probably a saltaholic.

Then I wondered what constitutes a snack. Is it something strictly for between meals, or as an accompaniment, such as chips, pretzels, etc? Does pizza count? That’s pretty salty, and can probably exceed your $8 bogey. At the same time, people eat pizza for lunch and dinner. Heck—I’ve eaten it cold for breakfast. Is pizza a snack or a meal?

At the end of the day, I had the cashier take the beer back, which upset the line of people behind me, because it took more time. I felt tricked. I felt betrayed. I felt like a jackass.

I feel like you intentionally tricked people with your vague “Salty Snack” description, and $8 minimum fine print. I feel like you intentionally put a vague, difficult-to-attain qualifier on the rebate to get people to buy your beer under false pretenses. How much does Corona pad their bottom line by tricking their loyal customers?

Sincerely,

Jerry
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No hablo Ingles.

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Post # 106 - Lenscrafters Lenses for Three Eyes - 2/20/2010

Dear Lenscrafters,

I am wondering if you might be able to help me. I have a rare condition—a third eye. When I tell people this, many think I’m referring to the Taoist belief that we possess an ability to sense what others are feeling, above our standard five senses, and that this ability evolves over time. Nope. I have a third eye. Smack in the center of my forehead, above the standard set. I’ve Googled three eye humans, tri-optic humans, etc. I’ve never found anything outside of comic books and Chakras.

It really hasn’t been a hardship. I often wear a sweatband in photos, and around folks who don’t really know me. Two developments have pushed me to go public, which I am doing now.

First, I have decided that my third eye is part of who I am, and that those around me, need to love all of me.

Second, I need corrective lenses for all three.

My options are:

1) Wear three contact lenses. Can we set up a three lens-at-a-time deal instead of the standard two lens plans?

2) Have a special set of frames specially crafted. I’d prefer round lenses, for symmetry.

Do I have options through your company? I can understand if my lenses take 90 minutes instead of the standard hour. After all, there are 50 percent more lenses to craft.

Please let me know. I’ll be keeping an eye out for your response.

Sincerely,

Jerry

PS: I have AAA—does that get me a discount?
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From: lenscrafters@mailnj.custhelp.com
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 2010 09:29:25 -0500
Subject: Third Eye [Incident: 100219-000610]

Subject: Third Eye Discussion Thread Response (Milton)02/22/2010 09:29 AMJerry,

Good morning and thank you for contacting Lenscrafter regarding your request for frames that will service a third eye. I need assistance in this matter and refer to you to contact our nearest location which I listed below for assistance:

Southland
Formerly D.O.C. Optics
23000 Eureka
Taylor, MI 48180
(734) 374-8500

Regards,

Milton

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Post # 105 - Stiga and The Twelve Apostle Table Hockey Set

I grew up with Table Hockey, and I love it.  Late spring is the season for hockey (NHL Playoffs) and kids making their First Communion.  I thought, what better than to try and combine the two.
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Dear Stiga,

I grew up with one of your Table Hockey sets. I loved it more than life itself. We’d play for hours at a time. Then, one day, my Grandma’s 19 year-old boyfriend accidentally backed over it when we were cleaning out the garage.

Fast forward 20 years. My son’s First Communion is rapidly approaching. I’m getting the itch. You know—the table hockey itch. I’d love to get him a “Stanley Cup” table hockey for his First Communion. However, the Missus has a rule in place—no non-religious gifts allowed!

I think I found a loop hole:

-There are twelve hockey players on a table hockey set.

-There are twelve disciples.

Why couldn’t Stiga create a Twelve Disciples Table Hockey Set? Stick John and Simon Peter on opposite teams to keep it fair. This version would qualify both as a religious item, and a keepsake that my son and I and his uncle could play for hours and hours.

How much would it cost? How quickly could it be done. Do you need a copy of the painting as a reference? Please advise.

Sincerely,

Jerry

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From: per.andersson@stigasports.se
Subject: SV: Table Hockey
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 2010 08:29:10 +0200

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for your email. Nice to hear you like our products.

We have no plans of making a Twelve Disciples Table Hockey Set.

However, you can buy 2 Team pack “Paint your own” Part no 7111-9090-99 and paint the players in the way you want them.

Regards

Per Andersson
STIGA Sports AB
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My response, sent 4/12/2010:

Dear Per,

You responded quickly--maybe a little too quickly. I’m sure at some point, 3M didn’t plan on making sticky notes, but that seemed to work out pretty well for everybody.

Look, you just rejected my idea without doing the legwork. In the US alone, there are 3 million eight year-olds. 720,000 of those kids are Catholic. Most of those kids have dads, and all of those dads love table hockey. You could seize control of the First Communion gift market. Somewhere around 500,000 Twelve Apostle Table Hockey sets per year, offseason. Open your mind a little.

Heck—sell the apostles as an upgrade. That way, once the smoke clears, dad can do the old “switcheroo”. Leafs and Wings in place of Simon Peter, Andrew, James the Greater, James the Lesser, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, Thaddeus, Simon, and Judas Iscariot.

Look—you’re suggesting that I paint my own. My painting sucks. Plus, look at the painting—some of them had oddly shapen heads, haircuts and facial hair. We need these to be sculpted.

Won’t you please reconsider?

Jerry

P.S. – I hear Pope Benedict enjoys the table hockey. Does that change anything?

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