Search This Site

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Post# 226 - Rally's Hamburgers: Let's Introduce the OtterBurger

Below is a note from Herman Letters Staffer Larry Barnowski, sent on January 28, 1998 to Mr. James Gillespie, CEO of Rally's Hamburgers, Inc.  It was sent with a small sample of some mystery meat.
Dear Mr. Gillespie,

I don’t get along with people.  They anger me with their fancy-shmantzy cars, electricity, and indoor plumbing.  I feel more comfortable on my own, in the wild, where things are simpler.  The only time I expose myself to civilization is on my monthly trip into town for supplies (matches, blankets, ammunition, lamp oil).  People laugh and point, but put them in my element and they’d starve to death.  I dread these trips, which are made easier by only one thing...a hearty meal at the local Rally’s.    

Your food items border on ecstasy.  The Big Buford drips into my beard and I smell  of ketchup for weeks!  And your helpers that take my order and give me my food are wonderful.  Don’t get me wrong-- I’m likely to turn around and punch somebody in the chops because I don’t like people talking to me unless the dialog is somehow related to retrieving my supplies or delivering my food.  

To afford my supplies, I made several investments, one of which is your stock.  As a shareholder, I feel it is my duty to offer suggestions to catapult Rally’s into the 21st Century.  Thus, I will make this exception and speak my mind. 

I noted as I was eating my last Buford, that you use 100% Beef.  Why Beef?  As an expert on animal flesh, I contend that the flesh off a dead Otter carcass is the best, followed by deceased Wildebeast flesh in a distant second place.  Once you’ve eaten Otter, cow is bush league.  One ain’t lived ‘til they slug back a mason jar of moonshine with a big greasy Otter Burger.  Our forefathers survived on Otter when they settled this land. 

I trap Otters for their abundant meat.  The fur’s warm too!  I’m enclosing a sampling of Otter meat from a fresh kill.  Eat it at your own risk, as I don’t have no fancy shmantzy refrigerator.  Use it up quick because the couple days in the mail might make it slightly less-than-fresh.  Let me know how you feel about the prospect of the first ever mass-produced fast food OtterBurger.

If you like it good enough we can discuss buying me a bunch of traps and ice coolers and I can sell you some Otter meat.  If not at least you tried it.   I have some recipes if you’re interested.  Thanks for making my trips into town more bearable.  I’ll expect to hear back from you.

Welcoming Back Otter (The Other Red Meat),

Larry Barnowski
 No Reply
March 23, 1998
Mr. James Gillespie, CEO
Rally's Hamburgers, Inc.
10002 Shelbyville Rd., Ste. 150
Louisville, KY 40223

Dear Mr. Gillespie,

If I owned a company and someone went to a great deal of effort to offer a suggestion that might help me, I would certainly express some appreciation, even if I didn't care for the idea.  Loyal customers who care about the future of their favorite restaurants should be encouraged--not ignored like a rack of spare ribs at the Vatican on Good Friday.

I never received any reply to my January 28 letter and sample Otter meat.  I moved out into the woods because I don't get along very well with people.  I return to civilization every two months for supplies (lamp oil, fresh traps, quilts, canned goods, flint, etc.).  When I checked my Post Office Box there was no letter of acknowledgment. 

I went to a great deal of trouble to wrassle that Otter to the ground for you.  I killed it, ground the flesh, cooked it up, and sent a ground Otter patty for your sampling.  I said "hurry up and eat it before it goes bad."  I asked for some sort of response.

I would appreciate some form of response.  Show me that someone at Rally's appreciates their customers.  Otherwise, I won't be back.  I'll go across town to that local Arby's.

I Went to a Lot of  Bother Sending You That Otter,
Larry Barnowski
Reply from Kenneth Weiss, Corporate Counsel, dated 4/13/1998:

Dear Larry,

Our Chief Executive Officer has forwarded your letter to me for a response.  Please accept our apologies for the delay in responding to you about your meat shipment.  We appreciate your interest in our products and thank you for the shipment.  However, Rally's Hamburgers, Inc., is committed to marketing a product line that does not contain wild game meat and we are therefore not in the market for purchasing otter meat from you.  I believe there are several restaurants that carry various types of wild game and perhaps they would be a more appropriate target market for your product.

Again, thank you for your interest.


Kenneth L. Weiss
Corporate Counsel
My note to Kenneth Weiss, sent 4/16/1998:

Dear Mr. Weiss,

Thank you for responding to my letter.  However, your response makes me feel still more angst toward society.  I found it odd that no one commented on the Otter meat that I sent.  I certainly hope I didn’t wrassle that beast to the ground and take it’s life with my bare fists, skin it, grind it’s flesh, cook it, package it, and mail it for nothing!  I’ll have you know that in the process, that thing bit me, and it became infected.  Luckily, I poured some moonshine on the wound, and it appears to be clearing up.  Although I am still foaming.  

You state in your letter that “Rally’s Hamburgers, Inc. is committed to marketing a product line that does not contain wild game meat and we are therefore not in the market for purchasing otter meat from you.”  I think the key words there are “from you.”  A commitment is something you pledge.  I’d like to see your “pledge” to not use wild game—I’d bet my cabin that it doesn’t exist.  I invite—nay—dare you to prove me wrong on that one.    

Suspicious about your true intentions, I asked the young cashier lad working at your local Rally’s, if he had heard anything about an Otter Burger coming soon.  He said in a coy way “anything is possible.”  I interpreted that as “yes, but I’m not allowed to talk about it.”  In any case, “anything is possible” seems to contradict your “commitment” to deprive the people of the wild game that they unknowingly crave.  I suspect you’re about to steal my idea and raise your own Otters because that meat tasted so good.  Well the true secret lies in the Otter feed, and you don’t have it.

I will be monitoring my local Rally’s to verify the fact that my “Otter Burger” idea is not used.  If you had been honest about it and said “we plan on marketing an Otter Burger, but we can farm our own Otters,” I would have given my blessing.  But I will take legal action, with your letter and the testimony of “Trevor the Cashier” as my body of evidence.  I have already sought legal counsel from my practitioner of law, and he has issued the following paperwork, which I would advise you to sign and return.  If Rally’s Hamburger, Inc. intends to uphold its “commitment” not venture into “a product line that contains wild game meat,” like you said, this will be a simple task.  However, if you cannot sign the form, we will proceed with legal action.  Thank you for your time.

Father of the Otter Burger,

Larry Barnowski
You May Also Enjoy:

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

No comments:

Post a Comment