Post # 94 - Thanks for the Memorex - 1/31/2010

A while back, our backup DVD player crapped out.  It cost $30, so I figured I was being penalized for buying a cheap appliance.  I almost threw it out on several occasions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Memorex,

On Sunday afternoons, back in the early 80's, I would turn on Channel 20, only to see a scrambled picture. It seemed the elitists would pay a nominal fee to enjoy premium movies and entertainment on "ON TV". I had no problem with people paying a little extra to watch top tier movies and sports. My issue was, this scrambled signal was on my TV, on my channel, during a time previously occupied by my shows.

Last Sunday, I had the gang over for my annual Mickey Rourke film marathon. When I plugged in your DVD player, I relived that scrambled-picture experience. This DVD player (Model MVD2016BLK), purchased back in July, had been used, literally twice. Now, on the third occasion, we have a problem--the picture is not only black and white, it is also scrambled. If I wanted, I could rent Caddyshack and Risky Business and relive the ON TV experiences of my youth.

I must confess, as I shop for electronics in the future, this experience is going to stick in my mind. I'm extremely unhappy with this DVD player. Yes, it was the $30 model, but by my math, it should work after two uses. Can you explain this?

Sincerely,

Jerry
--------------------------------------------
From: techsupport@memorex.com

Subject: Memorex Technical Support - Reference 600538
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 2010 19:15:54 -0600

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for contacting our product support team.

Try to find a PS(Progressive scan) switch on the back of the unit and turn it off. If it doesn't have a switch on the back, please try to find a PS button or Video button on the remote control and press it to change the settings of the DVD player.

Also, you can try to reset the unit with the following steps:

1. Turn the unit On

2. Press and hold the On/Off button for 5 seconds and disconnect the unit from the Power Outlet without releasing the On/Off button.

3. Keep pressing the On/Off button for 1 more minute.

4. When the minute is over, release the On/Off button and connect the unit to the Power Outlet again.

5. Turn on the unit

Regards,

Stuart

Product Support Specialist


------------------------------------------------
My response, 2/1/2010


Dear Stuart,

I searched the remote and down at the bottom, along the right side, there was a little tiny Video button. I pressed that button, and Voila! Picture.

I honestly don’t remember ever pushing that tiny button, but in fairness, it’s a tiny remote and I have biggish fingers.

Thanks for all of your help. I really appreciate it.

I’ll remember this positive experience next time I’m shopping for appliances.

Jerry
-----------------------------------------
I'm not sure why Memorex puts a button on their remote to make the picture go all scrambley.  It's a little like putting a button on your steering wheel to make the windshield fog up.  Regardless, I was impressed with Stuart's prompt, accurate response.

Go Memorex!

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 93 - Einstein Bros Bagels - Filthy McPottyhands and the Bagel Ripper - 1/23/2010

I thought I made a compelling argument here.  The Einstein people had more pressing issues to handle.

I like Panera's Asiago bagels better anyway.
-----------------------------------------
Dear Einstein,

One out of four. That’s about how often I encounter a public restroom situation where a “neighbor’s” path from urinal to exit is a straight one. No time for pesky soap and water. I’ve labeled them “Filthy McPottyhands”. Big people, small people, rich people, poor people, nice people, mean people—it doesn’t seem to matter. I’ve seen it happen in a rest stop restrooms and posh mahogany and marble washrooms. Teachers, mail carriers, Fortune 500 Execs, politicians. It could be anyone.

One out of four. That’s about how often I encounter a public bagel situation where some calorie counter has decided to make a compromise—half of the calories of a full size bagel. We’ve all seen it—they reach in there (“pardon the hands!”) and rip one in half, leaving the second half for you or me. I’ve labeled them Bagel Rippers. Generally, that half bagel sits there untouched, like a baby bunny, handled by a human and swiftly rejected by his bunny parents. Like the captain of the ship, that half bagel goes down with the empty cream cheese containers.

The thing is, in the backs of our minds, we worry that Filthy McPottyhands and the Bagel Ripper are the same guy. Tim from IT, or Jake from Sales. Bob, the gruff fellow from Accounting. We don’t want Tim or Jake or Bob’s hands anywhere near us, or anything of ours. Most of all, we’d rather skip breakfast, than ingest something this filthy, this disgusting.

This is where you come in. Why doesn’t Einstein revolutionize the bagel industry once more? Convert your entire bagel operation over to Bagel Halves. Two halves constitute a whole. This would reduce the heavily handled half bagel situation.

The smart ones can figure out how to order a dozen (“You have to order 24 halves to constitute a dozen, Einstein!”).

The smart ones can figure out how to toast it (“Put it in there vertically, you big dummy!”).

When you respond, please focus on how we get there, not how “we can’t solicit outside ideas, even when they’re awesome”. I’ll sign the waiver, so you can retain your "Einstein" title.

Sincerely,

Jerry
--------------------------------

No reply.  Did I mention how much better I like Panera's bagels?

--------------------------------

You May Also Enjoy:

Post# 169: Getting a Little Nook

Post#139: West Bend Popcorn Popper Crack

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Post # 92 - My Plea for Employment To Mr. Karmanos - 3/23/2010

A friend of mine suggested I write to Peter Karmanos, asking for a job.  Thanks James!

Kwame Kilpatrick is the former Mayor of Detroit.  He was essentially paid $240,000 five wealthy Detroit businessmen, (including Peter Karmanos) to leave the state.  Peter Karmanos, owner of Compuware, the Carolina Hurricanes NHL franchise, and two minor league hockey franchises, then hired  Kwame in Dallas.  Kwame was hired for a sales position in Dallas.  Between all of his court dates in Michigan, it's hard to imagine Kwame getting much done.  The hope was, with a steady gig, he'd repay the city a fraction of the debt that he caused.  Not so fast.

For me, these gestures by Karmanos prompted two questions: 

1) What photos does Kwame have of Peter and the other five families? 
2) How low is the bar at Compuware.  By just being average, I'd probably wow him.

Normally I wait for a response before posting these.  I decided to pull this one ahead because:

1) It's topical.  The judge is making Peter testify about his relationship with Kwame.  Kwame's having probation hearings.

2) I'm pretty sure I won't be hearing back (if I do, I'll post an update).

3) I really like the picture.

---------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Karmanos,


I would like to apply for a sales job. Like other past applicants who have applied, I have no sales experience. That is, unless you count my ten year paperboy career.

However, unlike past candidates that you have hired, I have never spent over $200k of public funds to lease a Navigator, enjoy spa massages, extravagant dining, and expensive wines. Never hosted a party where my strippers got in a fight with my wife, and one was later shot in the head.  Never fired police officers for sniffing around a little. Never been cause for an $8.4 million settlement by my city, for my sexy text messages. Never been indicted.  Never been charged with assaulting a police officer. Never repeatedly committed slander. Never funneled state grant money to the Missus. Never hired family members and given them huge raises.

I know one guy you hired and relocated to Dallas. You paid him at least $100K, and as much as $360K. In fact, I think you and others actually paid him to leave the local area. From what I’m hearing, if I turn one sale, we’re ahead.

Look. I’m not as interesting. I’ve never offered to buy beer for a million Red Wing fans. I don’t have a posse of high school buddies that travel with me everywhere. My mom doesn’t wire me five figure cash ftransfers, or fly me on a private jet. I pay off my pesky debts. I don’t have any awesome prison stories.

Yet at the same time, I don’t get subpoenaed to fly across the country. In an average year, I probably miss two days due to illness. Maybe one personal day every two years for a funeral, or to take a kid to an emergency room.

I just want to throw it out there. The existing standards seem attainable by someone like me. Someone who works hard. Someone more like you.

Thanks,

Jerry

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 91 - Uncle Milton's Ant Farm and Gummi Bear Fun! - 1/3/2010

I had an ant farm when I was ten. The ants got loose and one bit me. I've been pretty bitter ever since.

-----------------------------------------------
Dear Uncle Milton,

I purchased one of your Ant Farms for my son, Tatum, on his fourth birthday. I thought this would be a great way to teach him responsibility. Last summer, he had taken an interest in the ant hills that decorate our driveway and sidewalk. It seemed harmless.

I gave Tater the responsibilities of feeding and watering the ant population. This was progressing nicely for about a month. Then, Tate became a little creative. Tate decided to reward the colony after a job well done. He had placed some debris (a tooth pick) in one area, and a team of ants moved the toothpick to the other section. Non-participants were isolated, as a form of punishment. Each contributing member was individually recognized, and he awarded them all with a Gummi Bear.

Here’s the rub. The Gummi Bear was actually one of those Gummi Multivitamins. This must have triggered some sort of growth hormone—they started growing. They outgrew their farm, so I (carefully) placed them in a Tupperware container with airholes. Soon, this was too small. I placed them in a 50 gallon tank. The tank worked for a week. They kept growing and growing. Luckily, I moved them outside when they were an inch long.

Now, they are two feet long. They are digging in my yard, They taunt my dog, Yahtzee. They rap on the window at all hours of the night. Neighbors are starting to complain.

Here is my question—is there a humane way to maul these things?  Can I return the Ant Farm if 1) the box is open and 2) I pitched the receipt?  Any information that you can provide is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Jerry
--------------------------------------------
From: info@unclemilton.com

Subject: RE: Question
Date: Wed, 6 Jan 2010 09:28:17 -0800

Hello,

I would suggest training them to work in your yard, perhaps pulling a rototiller and planting seed. You might even be able to train them well enough to hire them out, allowing you to generate passive income.

As farm as the return, you would need to contact the retailer you purchased the farm from regarding their return policy. If there is a defect with the farm, and you are not able to return it to the retailer, Uncle Milton Industries is only able to exchange it for you if you have a receipt dated within the past 90 days and the toy in the box in saleable condition. If you would like to do this please contact us at 888-742-2484 to receive a return authorization. You will need this authorization before you ship the toy back to us.

Sincerely,

Consumer Services

Uncle Milton Industries

--------------------------

You May Also Enjoy:

Post #160: Kraft and the Lost Golden Nutty Bar

Post #97: Michigan Brand Old Fashioned Cottage Cheese

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

Post # 90 - Budweiser Proves Me Wrong and Then Tells Me to Apply - 8-28-2009

Dear Budweiser,

I remember in the second grade, I smuggled saltwater taffy into school. It was the best taste ever, until my teacher, Ms. Bumbleton, approached my desk with a waste paper basket. Spitting out something that I loved was the WORST!

About a year ago, you were running these ads, glamorizing the role of the Budweiser "Taster". You made it sound like Budweiser Tasters had the best jobs on earth, and that everyday at 3:00, they entered paradise (my words, not yours)--your boardroom.

If being a "taster" is such a good job, why do your tasters spit it out?

As one who has responsibly enjoyed your beverages for years and years, I could be a taster and actually swallow it. I think you need to hire some beer drinkers over there.

Fire those sissies who are clearly "do as I say but not as I do" types; hoping, day after day, of being promoted, out of the "Taster" role. They can't tell you if it's good or bad because they hate all of it! They pray, day after day, that you'll bring in some wine coolers for tasting.

Wise up! You're losing market share, and it's their fault!

Sincerely,

Jerry
----------------------------------------------------------------
From: BudCentral@anheuser-busch.com
Subject: Customer Comment Reference: 5523104
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 2009 14:16:51 -0500

Hey Jerry,

Thanks for stopping by the site and shooting me an e-mail. I’m flattered by your interest in Budweiser!

As you mentioned, in order to insure every Budweiser tastes the same, BrewMasters meet daily at 3:00. In order to taste the natural bitterness that occurs in Budweiser, it is important for our “Tasters” to swallow the beer. In addition, our Taste Panels not only monitor the quality of the taste, they are also making sure the aroma and color of the beer is the same as the Budweiser that was introduced in 1876. So before the beer is tasted, our BrewMasters examine the way the beer looks and also smell the beer.

I can assure you that one thing we all have in common is that we love beer! We love brewing, tasting and talking about beer, so if there is ever anything I can do to help you out in the future, please don’t hesitate to give me a call or shoot me an e-mail.

You also mentioned that you are interested in working with us. When you get a minute, feel free to check out www.buschjobs.com. The site is updated regularly, so you might want to check back on a regular basis.

Thanks for getting in touch, Jerry. I hope you’ll enjoy the perfect balance of flavor and refreshment with an ice-cold Budweiser soon!

Joe
Your Friend at Budweiser
1-800-DIAL-BUD (1-800-342-5283)
----------------------------------------------
Hey Joe,

So you’re saying there’s no spitting out of beer? That’s a job I can handle. I’ll check your employment section.

Hypothetically, I would be very willing to bring the tunes (“Save my life I’m going down for the last time. Ooooh-AHHHHHHH!!!!). Is the taste panel ever permitted (perhaps on casual Fridays) to say, do a friendly keg stand, or the “Bong-a-bility” test? These are both common practices at frat parties, tail gating events, block parties, and retirement group events. If I were in charge of the panel, these tests would be required.

I appreciate all of your insights.

Jerry