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Sunday, June 23, 2013

Post # 300 - Softsoap and Their Nozzle Booger

Dear Softsoap,

I recently threw a holiday party, as a strategic ploy to win favor with potential clients. You see, the artificial maple syrup business is cut-throat.  There are several "players" in the game, and a limited number of restaurant owners willing to change things up.  My house was in tip-top shape.  My butlers on guard, to provide the most delightful appetizers, entrees, and drinks.  A guest list of 50 restaurant owners, suppliers, and local investors, along with their wives, girlfriends, or "other."

Dinner was progressing nicely.  Men in tuxes and women in little black dresses sipped imported wines and craft beers, enjoying bacon-wrapped scallops, listening to a local jazz trio.  Conversation was light, and prime rib was ready to go, with cherries jubilee waiting in the wings.  Things were going great--several deals were in the works.

Then, one of the big time owners emerged from the bathroom with my hand soap bottle.  He pointed to the part where the soap comes out.  He loudly proclaimed, "I cannot buy imitation syrup from someone who has a booger in his soap nozzle."  He then claimed he was unable to wash his hands.  I frantically searched for another bottle of hand soap.  A new bar of soap, ANYTHING!  I emerged empty handed to a crowd of disappointed on-lookers.  He said, "No luck?  Maybe you should pick the booger."  Silence fell over the group.  If I don't pick the booger, I'm a bad host.  If I pick the booger, I'm forever known as the one who picked the booger, my name forever etched in holiday gathering lore.

I picked the booger.  I picked it so others could have clean hands.  In picking it, I became a pariah in the restaurant circle.  No one would look me in the eye.  People quickly left, barely touching their prime rib, scalloped potatoes, green beans almondine, or cheesy garlic toast, and leaving me with a lot of leftover Cherries Jubilee.

This is a design flaw.  Why does your soap congeal on the nozzle in such a way?  Can you make the soap less "congealie"?  Can you make the nozzle less "nostrilly"?  I need to understand the Softsoap plan going forward.  How do we fix this, so no one ever has to "pick the booger" again?

Sincerely,  

Jerry
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Their response, sent June 12, 2013:

From: Colgate-Palmolive Consumer Affairs
Subject: Response to Your Email

Dear Jerry:

Thank you for telling us about your experience with our Softsoap Liquid Hand Soap. We’re sorry it did not meet your expectations.

We are sorry to hear that the bottle of Softsoap Liquid Hand Soap dried up in the pump. Colgate-Palmolive is widely recognized for thorough and rigorous quality control procedures. Every package is checked by electronic scanners as well as Quality Assurance staff who watch the filling processes. Despite all our safeguards, on rare occasions a damaged container can be shipped from one of our manufacturing plants. Also, sometimes a package can be damaged during shipping or storage.

As part of our Consumer Satisfaction Policy, we are sending coupons to your postal address. We hope you will be satisfied with the next Colgate product you buy.

Sincerely,

Heather
Consumer Affairs Representative
Consumer Affairs
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My response, sent 6/13/13:

Dear Heather,

What if this wasn't a quality control issue, but rather, a design flaw.  I was in a restroom in a mon and pop restaurant yesterday.   At the sink, I found two of your Softsoap bottles.  These were the clear soap with the fish tank scene on the bottle.  Once again,  boogers in the nozzles.  

Maybe it was the oysters I had just eaten, but the sight of thay concealed soap matter on the nostril of the soap dispenser made me sick.  I vomited.   The fellow who walked in behind me, smelling my vomit, started his own vomit.  The next fellow came in, same thing.  By the time I left, there was a chain reaction of six barfers in there.  ALL because of a little soapy deposit on a couple of nozzles.

I think this is a design flaw--not quality.

Sincerely,

Jerry
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No Response.


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