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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Post # 302 - Beano 2.0

This was submitted on the Beano website on 3/4/13.

Dear Beano,

So often, I eat something without planning ahead.  As I enjoy my chili, my shrimp ring, my garlic pesto, my  tamales, I don't think about the cramped elevator, the crowded airport shuttle and bumpy roads, the lengthy meetings where one could hear a pin drop.  The quiet confessional with the elderly archbishop in the tall hat.

Finally, in frustration, I screamed at the top of my lungs, "There has got to be another way!"

I'm calling for the development of a quick fix--something I can take after the fact, rather than at the scene of the crime.  Something I can take as I seek shelter and refuge from the mighty storm-a-brewin'.  A life raft of sorts, in a sea of embarrassment.  I'm calling for a "Morning After" Beano Pill.

Thinking ahead, this pill will be a "storm chaser."  It will need to travel faster than the thing that it's chasing.  OR, we could approach this from another direction.  A pill "taken another way."  To borrow from the Fonz, the slogan could be, "Beano 2.0: Sit on it!"

Let Me Know What You Think.

No Reply.

Follow-up sent on 3/13/13

Dear Beano,

You never replied.  I submitted a proposal over a week ago.  Maybe you're still digesting it.  (See what I did there?).

To review, my proposal is a "morning after" Beano pill--something to be taken in hindsight, but before the onslaught of fireworks and fragrances.  In the past week, I've made arrangements with a local judge to allocate some "criminal-on-the-mend" types for a community release project.  Rather than pick up roadside garbage, these fellows ingest crock pots full of my chili, and then ingest my early prototype pills.  We then measure their gas output using a stopwatch, a ruler, a balloon, and a special "fitting."

There are two approaches that I've been exploring--these were both covered in my previous correspondence.

1) What I call a "storm chaser" --something to travel faster than the brown squall.  My early work has shown that any medication that travels faster, doesn't "know where to stop" and ends up passing the problem area altogether.

2) Against the Wind.  A suppository.  I trialed three different versions. Illustrations are attached. Version A, Yellow Dynamite lacked any oomph.  Version B, Green Silencer, did little to make things quiet.  Version C, Orange Obstruction, did exhibit some success.  I believe this was in part, due to its' size and cork-like geometry.  Several testers noted that Version C, while effective, was somewhat "intrusive."  One tester asked if it could be made larger, and if I had more chili.  I need to go back and find out what his offenses that lead him to my program.

In any case, I'm wondering if you want in.  Wanna go halfsies on a new product?  Your name, my know-how.  Beano 2.0.




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