Post # 84 - Morningstar Farms Vegetarian Bacon - 2/21/2010

My friend Deanne brought this to my attention.  She posted a note about it on her blog, RealChick Chat, which I recommend.  Thanks Deanne!
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Dear Morningstar Farms,

They said it couldn’t be done.

For centuries and civilizations, no one could break the four minute mile. Then one day, after a breakfast of biscuits and gravy, Roger Bannister limbered up and stuck his wet thumb in the proverbial cupcakes of all of mankind. Roger Bannister did it.

They said that only the wealthy could drive the horseless buggy. Not only did Henry Ford make the automobile accessible to the common man, he also revolutionized the assembly line and brought jobs to a new and booming industry. Henry Ford did it.

They said that no one could fly across the Atlantic in an airplane. In 1927, a young pilot, armed with five PB&J’s, flew to Paris. Charles Lindbergh did it.

They said that it would be impossible to derive bacon or bacon-like product out of vegetation. Well, the fine folks at Morningstar Farms said “just hold on a second”. Let’s mix egg whites, soybean oil with TBHQ, textured soy protein concentrate, modified corn starch, wheat gluten, hydrolyzed vegetable protein, with less than two percent of glycerin, salt, soy protein isolate, sodium citrate, sodium phosphate, sugar, and natural and artificial flavors. The result (drum roll)…..Morningstar didn’t do it.

It looks more like something my kids might produce with their Crayola crayon machine. I offered some to my dog—I think it offended her. She left me a "canine message" on the living room floor.

Was this like the US/Soviet race to the moon? Did you feel like you had to beat Jennie-O to some patents by rushing this product to the market? Are you still dialing in the taste and textures?

Did we learn nothing from Bac-O’s?

Look, true vegetarians wouldn’t be interested in something that was supposed to resemble a fatty cross-section of pig belly. Right? You thought about that, right?

I just wanted to give you another point of view. I’m not perfect either. None of us are. You do so many other things well—why not just focus on those?

I’ll leave you with two questions:

1) Who invented vegetarian bacon?
2) Does he or she have a dog?

Sincerely,

Jerry
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From: kellogg@casupport.com

Subject: Morningstar Farms® Consumer Affairs 020763173A
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:32:34 -0600

Jerry,

Thank you for letting us know how you feel about Morningstar Farms® Veggie Bacon Strips. We appreciate our consumers sharing their opinions with us.

Trying a new product is often a fun experience. We understand that you were looking forward to enjoying our breakfast products and are sorry to hear that this didn't measure up to your family's expectations. We are sending a coupon you can use towards the purchase of other products that you enjoy. Please allow 7-10 business days for delivery.

Our goal is to have our consumers enjoy every product we offer. However, we know that not all of our consumers will approve of the new foods or reformulations that we introduce. Thanks to comments like yours, we are able to continually improve our products. We appreciate your input and will share your remarks with our food development and marketing teams.

Again, thank you for the taking the time to share your views. We hope to keep you as a loyal consumer for many years to come.

Sincerely,

Rachel

Consumer Affairs Department
XLXRVX01/OPS
020763173A



From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 64 - Dole Pre-Cut Spinach Fiasco - 12-10-2009

I see this as a legitimate annoyance.  I've seen it happen twice now--the contest packet ends up covered in dressing in a big salad bowl.  Like the ranch bottle squirter thing, I'm just trying to make our salad experiences less "eventful".
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Dear Dole,

I feel violated. I was at my weekly Brimley's Bridge Club Salad Social Extravaganza. I brought a delightful spinach salad with warm bacon dressing. The spinach of choice: Dole.

There are charter members who decide who stays and who goes, who sits on a cushy chair, and who doesn't.  If it came strictly down to bridge play, I would have been "anointed" seventeen years ago. As you can imagine, it's more about politics, perceptions, appearances, and making a positive impressions.

As the other club members enjoyed my salad, I felt a sense of pride and acceptance. I could hear my name being read off at the next banquet. I could see my name in 16 point Times New Roman on the little gold plate. This salad would put me over the hump.

No it wouldn't. As I emptied shiny green leaves of spinach goodness, I didn't see a shiny green packet containing recipes and quite possibly coupons, which your workers lovingly placed in my salad bag.

Tommy Pemblewood, the Chairman of Brimley's Bridge Club, suffers from what I call "Muppet Mouth". He has a very wide opening there (it spans across his entire face). The opposite would be someone like Donald Trump, who has a tiny mouth, and would have a difficult time enjoying all of the flavors in a submarine sandwich. Anyway, Tommy sometimes fills that mouth a little too full, and doesn't always chew well. He swallowed your recipe packet, and felt a little ill, until he "passed" it a week later.

I was reprimanded, accused of pulling a fast one, and dressed down in front of the entire BBC population, and their families, at our banquet. I was essentially sent to the back of the line.

Why would you package something shiny and green, amongst shiny green leaves? This can't be your first complaint about this. How about attaching the packet to the inside of the bag? Maybe make it bright red and really big so it doesn't get lost in the shuffle and covered with warm bacon dressing.

These are just a few ideas. Let me know what you come up with down there at the Salad ranch.

Sincerely,

Jerry

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Follow-up sent 12/21/2009

Dear Dole,

You've been quiet. I raised an issue with you on December 10th. Shiny green packets buried in shiny green leaves of spinach is a bad idea. What do you think?

Please advise.

Jerry

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Form letter from Dole, dated 12/22/2009:

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for contacting us about your experience with DOLE Salads promotion. We appreciate that you have given us the opportunity to respond.

In order that we may fully respond to your report, it would be helpful that you call us toll free at 1-800-356-3111. We can be reached Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Pacific Time and are happy to assist you. When calling, please reference the contact number of 010011621A.

We apologize for any inconvenience. Thank you again for contacting us, and for your interest in Dole products.

Sincerely,

Consumer Response Staff

Dole Consumer Services

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My response, dated 12/31/2009:

Dear Nameless Corporate Subset of Dole,

Thank you for the form letter.

I can tell you take consumer input seriously. You're asking me to respond by using my cell phone minutes to call and re-explain my concerns, concerns that are abundantly clear in my December 10th and 21st notes.

The part that irks me more--I'm no longer a name. I'm 010011621A, the Salad Eater. If my input really mattered, everyone would already know who I am when I call. "Oh--Jerry. He's the guy that probably saves us $18 million in lawsuits by advising us to take our shiny green information packets out of our bags of shiny green spinach. Moreover, if my input REALLY mattered, your December 22 form letter would have had a sticky note attached that read: "This is being handled promptly--good catch".

I choose not to call. I feel my re-explanation will be met with comments about how "your feedback is very important to us", and "your information has been forwarded to the appropriate management". No thanks. I think I'm switching my allegiances to Del Monte.

Sincerely,

010011621A, the Salad Eater

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com