Search This Site

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Post# 264 - Heinz and Marvin the Mayo Man

I sent this to Heinz on 6/10/2011:

Dear Heinz,

I love Mayonnaise.  Let me be specific.  I love your Mayonnaise.  It makes me so flipping happy when it covers my sandwich.  When it dresses up my pot roast.  When it provides that extra oomph to my salmon.  I feel like I owe you.  And I’ve been paying you back.  Allow me to explain.

I’ve created a character, who is gaining momentum at local high school basketball, volleyball, and hockey games.  I dress up in a white uni-tard with a big “M” logo.  I have a 5 gallon homer bucket strapped to my back, with a 3/8 tube that runs through my sleeve to my index finger.  The bucket is filled with Heinz mayonnaise.

I run around putting your mayonnaise on fans’ frankfurters—it looks like it’s oozing from my fingertip.  At first, people stare.  You see, society hasn’t yet embraced the “May-oh-dawg.”  Well, it’s time, my friends.  And the early results are positive.

They call me “Marvin the May-Oh Man.”  At halftime, and during time-outs, I run out and do a dance and scream “Let’s May-Oh-Nize This Place All Up In Here!”

The crowd gets pumped.  The kids, moms and dads are eating May-oh-dawgs like they’re going out of style.  At the end of each event, I have a stiff back, and a mostly-empty homer bucket.  And a full heart.

Here’s my question.  I’ve been buying the packets and filling the bucket, one at a time.  It takes roughly three full evenings to refill the bucket.  Do you sell your Mayonnaise in five gallon buckets?   This would really make things easier.  Also—does your “Light” Mayonnaise weigh less?  I’m just thinking of my ailing back.

Let's face it--you're in second place in the mayo race to those weasels at Hellmann's.  That's as good as last place.  Let's together do something about this!

Any information that you can provide is greatly appreciated.  Also, know that I’m keeping the Heinz name out of it, unless you want to strike up an endorsement deal and dress me up as you see fit.


Marvin (Jerry)

Subject: In Response to your Website Comments - Ref # 003395378A HEINZ/JNEEL
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2011 11:05:48 -0400

June 14, 2011
Dear Jerry,

Thank you for visiting our web site.

We appreciate your interest, however, these products are only supplied to the foodservice trade and are not available for retail sale.

Heinz is unable to conduct direct sales to individuals. However, you may wish to contact a foodservice distributor in your area who may be willing to sell the product to you by the case on a cash-and-carry basis.

Additionally, there is an Internet Food service wholesaler (not affiliated with Heinz North America) that handles many Heinz foodservice products, selling direct, via the Internet. Perhaps they may be of some assistance in obtaining this product. They can be contacted at by phone at 1-757-245-7675, by address at Foodservicedirect, Inc., 905 G Street, Hampton VA 23661 or online at

Thank you again for your interest and continued patronage. We hope that you will soon have a convenient source for all the products you enjoy.

Heinz Consumer Resource Center

When contacting us, please refer to the following reference number: 003395378A


You May Also Enjoy:

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

No comments:

Post a Comment