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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Post# 229 - Late Show With David Letterman: My Attempt to Get On Stupid Pet Tricks

I sent this to Dave's staff on 4/19/1998:

Dear Mr. Letterman,

I am writing to propose what I believe is a marquee feature for your next installation of “Stupid Pet Tricks.”  I present to you “Singing Chester, the Hang Gliding Monkey.”

Chester is a five-year-old which I rescued from a burning building, while working as a volunteer fireman.  My intention was to return this lost primate to its rightful owner, but grateful victim offered Chester as a gift for my squad saving his condo.  Besides, Chester would not hear of leaving my arms.

Over the past three years, Chester and I have spent our leisure time in the great outdoors.  At first, we flew kites.  Then, we juggled.  Finally we hang glided.  Chester is currently the only certified hang gliding monkey in the world.  Furthermore, he has successfully landed his craft from the top of a nearby 26-story bank office building (the tallest in our area), and flown on three continents (North and South America, and Europe). 

Furthermore, as he hang glides, he “sings” the Welche Labung Fur Die Sinne oratorio of Haydn’s opera Die Jahreszeiten.  He messes up the second half, and at times, sings off-key when sudden wind gusts jar his craft, but in general, it is a remarkable rendition.  By the time he reaches your show, I can guarantee we will have the vocal irregularities resolved.

Above: Chester taking flight in the Himalayan Mountains (I was so proud!).
I envision a prosperous movie career in Chester’s future.  Warner has discussed a possible Any Which Way But Loose/You Can sequel, perhaps co-starring with Mr. Eastwood.  In the meantime, I am interested in booking Chester on your show.  Please let me know my prospects of showing my best friend off and amazing everyone.  If you want, you can hook a small camera on him so the audience can see what hang gliding is really like.  We can send him off the top of the Ed Sullivan Theater, or a taller building (of your choice).  The ball is in your court.

I’ll see you soon!

Instructing Chester not to Fly too Close to the Sun,

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