Search This Site

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Post# 276 - Frito Lay - Bring Back the WoW! Chips!

A while back, Frito Lay sold "healthy" potato chips made with olestra, a type of fat that basically "goes right through you, not getting absorbed into your system.  The chips were known to have side effects.  by the Eventually, they disappeared from our shelves.  I wondered...whose life would be affected by the loss of such a volatile product>  I sent this on 9/29/2011.

Dear Frito Lay, 

As a wrongfully accused victim of our Justice System, I've been rotting away in a prison cell for 30 years.  Don't let anyone kid you--prison IS as bad as people say it is.  You rot away, thinking about the thing you did to ruin your life.  In my case, it was a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  See, I was minding my own business, shopping for a Halloween costume in a local costume shop, when gunshots rang out and an alarm sounded.  As I left the store, Mother Theresa costume in hand, another person, dressed as Mother Theresa darted down an alleyway with pistol and a bagful of cash.  They never found the culprit, but I was brought in for questioning, picked from a line-up, and convicted of first degree  murder and armed robbery.

To put it bluntly, since the dawn of time, prison shower time is it its own caste system.   Musclebound men rule the roost, and the rest of us are their "subjects."  The average prisoner is victimized five times a week, depending on the Musclebound/Weakling ratio.  It's demeaning and dehumanizing.    My fortunes changed one day in 1998 when my nephew, Zeke, sent me a care package.  As I stood in the yard, eating these new "Wow!" chips, the "Shower Overlords" watched closely.  They seized the bag and flushed the chips.  I wondered why.

As it turns out, your Olestra chips, with their diarrhea, abdominal discomfort and "leakage" disclaimers, turned me into a wild card.  That day, I showered without interruption.  I started having my son send me bags and bags of your glorious Wow! Chips.  Diarrhea?  WOW! --Sometimes.  Abdominal discomfort?  WOW! Often.  Leakage?  Not as often.  Awesome showers?  Always.

I started having extra bags sent.  Ezekiel and I made a fortune, selling my fellow inmates their "insurance plan."  Many of the Shower Overlords hung themselves in their cells, using shoelaces, bedsheets--one fellow used the drawstring from his sweatpants.  We were living the dream, living in a Utopian prison society.  And then, sometime around 2003, the WOW! chips disappeared.  Ebay was catching on, and I bought every bag I could.  I kept the wrappers and filled them with regular chips.  The Shower Overlords caught on though, and my fun ended.

Warm, luxurious showers became a hurry-up operation.  No thanks.

What would it take to bring WOW! Chips back?  Would Frito Lay accept a significant bribe?  I need to know, ASAP.


No Reply

You May Also Enjoy:

Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters
Follow me on Facebook

No comments:

Post a Comment