Post # 123 - Orville Redenbacher Peed in My Microwave - 3/4/2010

My friend, Intense Auburn had a problem with her popcorn.  She presented me with the details, and the photos.  Below is the result.
------------------------------

Dear Mr. Redenbacher,


Tuesday is my long day. At the end of a long Tuesday, I like to unwind with a nice film. Often it’s a recommendation, but it’s always a classic. I always pop and enjoy Orville Redenbacher Gourmet Microwave Popcorn. Sight and Sound meet up with Smell, Feel and Taste. Sometimes I invite my girlfriend Tula, which means necking afterwards.

My last six Tuesday classics included:

1) The Ten Commandments

2) Casablanca

3) Godfather Part II

4) Spartacus

5) Miracle

6) Hoosiers.

All of these were classics. Last night was to be no different—one of my friends recommended this Weekend At Bernies Part II film. I unwrapped my popcorn packet and popped according to your directions, as I always do. I find that the popcorn angels reward us for following directions, with perfectly popped, flavorful popcorn. Perfectly popped popcorn doesn’t stink up a house.

When the time came to retrieve, I encountered a problem. I encountered a big problem. When I lifted the bag, it peed buttery topping all over the microwave and counter. There was a big hole in the bag.

Why do the Popcorn Angels choose to mess up my kitchen and ruin my movie? I did the legwork here. I bought the most expensive microwave that the sales lady said would pop the best popcorn. I paid extra to get the one with the revolving bottom. I paid extra for Orville’s corn because we all know it’s the best. I put it in right side up and everything. I stopped it when the popping noises stopped. Yet the Popcorn Angels ruined a great movie.

After I laboriously cleaned up the goop, I had lost my appetite. My bad experience seemed to taint my movie. For whatever reason, I’ll never be able to think of Weekend at Bernies II in the same light as The Ten Commandments or Godfather Part II. And I blame Orville.

What would cause this? Faulty bag paper? Faulty oil? Misproportioned oil-to-corn? Corn bugs?

Can you please tell me? I’m afraid I need a written explanation. Tuesday movies and my relationship with Tula are on hold (I yelled at her and tried blaming her when it happened).

Thanks,

Jerry

PS I have photos if you need them.
----------------------------------------------
From: webmaster@conagrafoods.com

Subject: Re: Consumer Affairs Email Response 052830198B
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2010 12:30:18 -0600
March 10, 2010

Dear Jerry

Thank you for your email concerning our Orville Redenbacher's® Butter Microwave Popcorn.

We sincerely apologize for your experience. We stand by the quality of our products, and want you to know that this matter has been taken seriously.

We will also be sending you a coupon via regular mail that is valid for nine months. Please allow 1-2 weeks for receipt.

Thanks again for your feedback. We're listening!

Sincerely,

Mollie

Consumer Affairs
Ref: 052830198B

----------------------------------------------
My response, 3/11/2010

Dear Orville,

I appreciate the coupon. It's a nice gesture.

I get the feeling you're sweeping this under the rug. Don't you have a staff of scientists with lab coats and safety glasses and clip boards? Don't they run “Pop-ability” tests with a diverse population of microwaves and simulated altitude settings?

I was hoping for a coupon AND an explanation, as opposed to just a coupon.

I have an idea for you: under-hood popcorn. Follow along: 1) Leaving work, I throw a foil "puck" under the hood of my vehicle. 2) As I drive, the kernals heat up, and pop up nicely. 3) When I get home, I pop the hood and enjoy my snack. Just an idea.

Thanks

Jerry

-------------------------------

Post# 51: Bass-Ackwards Butterball McFreakbird

Post# 93: Einstein Brothers Bagels, Filthy McPottyhands and the Bagel Ripper

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/
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Post # 122 - War On Spam: Famous Amos - 2/2/1010

One of these days, that photo's actually going to show up, and I'm going to regret asking for it....
---------------
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 2010 02:43:39 +0530

From: amoskude10@voila.fr
Subject: Hello
To:

HelloI work with a bank In West Africa,Burkina faso .I have a business transaction for you.In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $10.5 Million UDollars .In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in car bomb in Iraq.Since his supposed next of kin died along side with him at the Bomb blast,there is nobody to claim the left over balance in the account.It
is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department decided to seek your assistance and present you to the bank as his Next of kin.If you accept i would give you the guide lines of how we can achieve this transfer of the balance (10.5Million Dollars) to your account.and we will shear the money 50-50%.I expect that you will give me your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication with you and for more details.Best RegardsMr Amos Kude +226 78666175

--------------------------------
To: amoskude10@voila.fr
Subject: RE: Hello
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 2010 20:11:57 -0500

Dear Amos,

I am extremely interested in your proposal. I love the idea of infinite wealth. However, I’ve been burned before by people who assured me that they were legitimate and trustworthy. I want to trust you. As you can imagine, I need verification.

I’ve thought long and hard about this. I need to know you’re a real person, with a real name. I also need to know you’re legitimate. Lastly, I need to have confirmation that you pay close attention to detail. Therefore, I
need the following in order to proceed.

I need one photograph of you containing the following (please see the attached diagram):

1) Shirt off

2) The letter “L” scribed on your forehead in a large font using whipped cream or shaving cream. L stands for “Legitimate”.

3) The same whipped cream or shaving cream on your nipples.

4) Holding today’s newspaper to your left. This will verify time and place.

I really apologize for any inconvenience that this poses. This may seem silly and unnecessary you, but this is very important to continue. If our business is as important to you as you say it is, it should be a simple task.

Consider this the only path to our partnership.

Sincerely,

Pat Vanhattan
-------------------------------------
Subject: More details‏
From: amoskude@gmail.com

Dear Jerry

Thank you for your response.I know that you will be surprised to get such a business proposal from me, due to the fact that we do not know each other,but i believe that every good relationship business starts with giving each other the benefit of doubt .All i need is you full assistance then i will guide you through out the banking transfer procedures.

I have been in charge of the late customer's account at the Bank Of Africa Burkina faso (BOA) for over 10years, and since his death nobody has come up to ask of this account and this is what made me to plan for this deal.I know very well that you might be aware of the fact that you are not in any way related to the deceased man,i have decided to present you to my bank as a business associate to Late client. this will certainly rule all your fears for we will provide you with the documents.

I will want to reassure you again that this transaction would be of no hitches and a 100% risk free .All you need to do is just to follow up strickly with my advises.The first step now is that i will have to apply for the transfer of the funds to your account.I will pay for the compulsory application processing fees which is 1800$ at the Bank when i submit the aplication letter.You should not worry about this application fees i will handle it.When i apply to the bank for the transfer of the funds to your account,my bank will start immedaite processing of the transfer,they will contact you via email and fax .Once you get any response from my bank you should just let me know so that i will give you advice on what to do next.

For me to fill in the application form on your behalf ,I would need more information on the account where you would recieve the money and also more information about you,please furnish me with the following information where i left a space

Name :........................
Country.:..................
Phone number :................
Fax..................................................
Your Age...........................................
Occupation........................ ...............
Address............................................
Bank Name.......................................
Bank Address.........................................
Account number........................................
Account name..........................................
Bank swift code.......................................

I would further advice that you try and keep this transaction to very confidential until we achieve our aim.This is my private number +226 78066889 call me for more clarifications.

My regards to your family and Allah blessing

Mr Kude
--------------------------------
To: amoskude@gmail.com
Subject: RE: More details‏
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 2010 05:51:53 -0500

Dear Amos,

Thank you for your reassurance. Thank you also for the Allah blessing. Bless you too.

Everything sounds great. But again, I need the photo to proceed. Please don't give up on our business relationship based on this request.

Pat

P.S. - Jerry is my boss. I use his computer and email account when he is taking a smoke break. My own computer will be one of my first purchases.

--------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 2010 16:44:53 +0530
From: amoskude10@voila.fr
Subject: Hello
To:

HelloI work with a bank In West Africa,Burkina faso .I have a business transaction for you.In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $10.5 Million US Dollars .In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in car bomb in Iraq.Since his supposed next of kin died along side with him at the Bomb blast,there is nobody to claim the left over balance in the account.It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department decided to seek your assistance and present you to the bank as his Next of kin.If you accept i would give you the guide lines of how we can achieve this transfer of the balance (10.5Million Dollars) to your account.and we will shear the money 50-50%.I expect that you will give me your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication with you and for more details.Best RegardsMr Amos Kude +226 78666175

----------------------------------------
To: amoskude10@voila.fr
Subject: RE: Hello
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 2010 20:08:42 -0500

Amos,

I'm getting cold feet. You re-sent the same note. Is this a form letter? Are you who you say you are? All the more reason why I need the photo that I requested. Again, I need one photograph of you containing the following (please see the attached diagram):

1) Shirt off

2) The letter “L” scribed on your forehead in a large font using whipped cream or shaving cream. L stands for “Legitimate”.

3) The same whipped cream or shaving cream on your nipples.

4) Holding today’s newspaper to your left. This will verify time and place.

This may seem silly and unnecessary you, but this is very important to continue. Consider this the only path to our partnership.

Sincerely,

Pat
-------------------------------------------
Subject: Good Luck,
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:55:20 +0000

I'm sorry but happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from Ghana though I tried my best to involve you in the businnes but God decided the whole situations. Presently i'm in Paraguay for investment projects with my own share of the total sum. meanwhile,I didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how.

Now contact my secretary in Burkina faso his name is Mr NATACHAS ANWARDU his e-mail address is natachasanwardu@live.fr Ask him to send you the total of $800.000.00 (Eight Hundred Thousand Dollars Only) which I kept for your compensation for all your past efforts and attempts to assist me in this transaction. I appreciated your efforts at that time very much. so feel free and get in touched with my secretary and dont forget to let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy after all the
sufferings at that time.

in the moment, I’m very busy here because of the investment projects which I and the new partner are having at hand, finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to the secretary on your behalf to receive that money, so feel free to get in touch with Mr NATACHAS ANWARDU he will send the amount to you without any delay.

Regards,

Your brother

AMOSKUDE
---------------------------------------------

To: amoskude@hotmail.fr
Subject: RE: Good Luck,
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2010 20:49:31 -0500

Amos,

Give me a break.

You say "it failed us some how" as though you didn't sh*t the bed in our business relationship. I gave you one lousy task, and you failed. No-worse. You didn't even try. You don't get an F. You get an incomplete.

Pat's Rules of Business #1: Follow through on tasks.

I also noticed in your previous notes that you gave me the Allah blessing. I'm assuming you're Islamic. So then you blame MY god in your note below. What's up with dissing my god?

Pat's Rules of Business # 2: Don't diss the other guy's god.

Lastly, I'm bringing you back on because I like you. I think deep down you're good. You just messed up.

So again, the task:

I need one photograph of you containing the following (please see the attached diagram):

1) Shirt off

2) The letter “L” scribed on your forehead in a large font using whipped cream or shaving cream. L stands for “Legitimate”.

3) The same whipped cream or shaving cream on your nipples.

4) Holding today’s newspaper to your left. This will verify time and place.

Rule # 3: Don't Sh*t the Same Bed Twice.

Sincerely,

Pat VanHattan
-----------------------------------------------------
To: amoskude@hotmail.fr

Subject: RE: Good Luck,
Date: Sun, 14 Mar 2010 22:28:38 -0400

Amos,

Quit horsing around. The reason we have never forged a business partnership is lack of follow-through on your part. You've always been a daydreamer. A lollygagger. A ne'erdowell. Well brace yourself, Famous Amos. Here's a healthy dose of tough love.

You have until Midnight March 15th to follow through on the next step of our transaction. Otherwise, consider yourself FIRED!

Pat
--------------------------------------------
To: amoskude@hotmail.fr

Subject: RE: Good Luck,
Date: Sun, 21 Mar 2010 16:35:15 -0400

Amos,

This is a sad day. I gave you a deadline, and you once again missed it.

I'm going to have to let you go. Don't look at this as an end. It's really a beginning. It's a cold splash in the face--a wake-up call.

In the mean time, you should be feeling great shame and inadequacy. Your next time of intimacy may be a time of great disappointment for you, and whomever you're with because you are now indeed less of a man.

The email scam business is all about creating a false sense that we're in a place of business, rather than what it is--more like a bank robbery.

You need to be more responsible. You need to be more dependable. You need to be more professional. People have lots and lots of email scammers from which to choose. These traits will help to steer some of them to you.

Best of luck to you in the future.

Pat

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 121 - Give the Peanut-Allergic Kids Their Plain M&M's - 3/8/2010

I have a soft spot in my heart for people with allergies.  I think companies need to do more for people.  Take some of the money that you'll use to develop my Coffee Bean M&M idea, and make plain M&M's accessible to peanut allergy sufferers.
------------------------------------------------------
Dear M&M Mars,


Okay we get it. You can make M&M’s in any color we can think of, and with any text we want. You have giant M&M’s. Gourmet M&M’s. But not one, are you willing to deem peanut-free.

You have a disclaimer on the back of the Plain M&M wrapper that basically makes it impossible for a kid to eat Plain M&M’s. “May Contain Peanuts”.

Peanut allergies are the most common allergy among children. They affect at least 3 million people in the United States. The effects can be deadly, and peanut exposure cannot be taken lightly. Concerned parents become vigilant label-readers, in the name of love. While I appreciate you protecting people, as a lead-in to a bigger question.

How many kids never get to taste a delicious peanut butter patty or peanut butter pie, or peanut brittle, or Peanut M&M’s? Or for that matter, Plain M&M’s.

Why don’t you make all of your peanut-free products in a peanut-free facility on peanut free equipment and with peanut-free supplies? Build a second factory on the empty lot next to your first factory, and make it completely peanut free. You can make everything from Dove Chocolates to Milky Ways to Caramel Twix here. People who have been in Peanut Factory A would not be allowed in Peanut-Free Factory B. Supplies to Factory B would come from a Peanut-Free supply chain. The critics would applaud you. Parents and kids would hug you.

Leverage your supply chain, and all of your workers to take the Peanut Oath:

I solemnly swear to steer completely clear of peanuts, in mind, body, and spirit.

I do so with the health and safety of the almighty customer in mind.

I shall remain peanut-free, like the products that I make.

It seems like the only thing standing in the way would be a little cash. But aren’t three million loyal customers worth it?

Give the Peanut Allergy kids a taste. That’s all I’m asking. A worry-free, Plain M&M taste.

Sincerely,

Jerry
--------------------------------------------
From: do-not-reply@masterfoodsusa.com


Subject: M&M'S MILK CHOCOLATE CANDIES.

Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2010 18:18:13 -0500



Dear Mr. Herman,



In response to your email regarding M&M'S MILK CHOCOLATE CANDIES.



Thank you for your email.



Our Marketing Staff is continually working on new ideas. Although we cannot say what they are, we hope you will continue to watch and enjoy!



Have a great day!



Your Friends at Mars Chocolate North America



MM/cl011175969A



Please do NOT reply to this email. If you would like to respond to this message, click on the link below.



http://www.econsumeraffairs.com/mars/ContactUsFollowUp.htm?F1=011175969A&F2=ZZ
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Good Fudge Folk,

Thanks for dangling your marketing secrets in front of me, and then hiding it. From the tone of your note, it sounds like you’re admitting that there’s a problem there (the peanut disclaimer on non-peanut candy).

So aside from marketing some new and fancy M & M to coincide with whatever hot movie is coming out this summer (Toy Story 3?), it’d be nice if you just give the peanut-free kids a taste.

Thanks,

Jerry

PS-I’m working on some stuff too, that I can’t tell YOU about. FYI.

----------------------

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From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/

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Post # 120 - General Mills - Golden Grahams Cereal Box Propaganda - 6/2/2010

Happy Father's Day to all of the Dads out there!  I got your back!
---------------------------------------
Dear General Mills,

I was recently shopping at the grocery store. As I pushed my cart down the cereal isle, I automatically grabbed a box of Golden Grahams. These are a guilty pleasure from my childhood, and one that I have shared with my children.

As I scanned the box at the self-check-out, I noticed the back of the box. A mom tribute. Right at the top, it reads “It’s All About Mom”.

Lookie—I know the marketing geniuses at General Mills went out of their way to appease to the stereotypical cereal shopper. “Appease Mom. She controls 68 percent of the cereal purchases”. I’m no dummy. I get that.

Don’t get me wrong. There is no one more important in the upbringing of young folks than Mom. Moms are great. Craft projects in schools center on Mother’s Day. And they should. There are single moms out there, filling both roles (Mom and Dad). I admire them. I don’t know how they do it.  I won’t even get into the birthing—amazing.

Any chance of throwing Dad a bone down the road?

If you believe the experts, Dad is a very important role model too. Dad’s sometimes get overlooked. The Father’s Day school craft projects are often omitted from art class curriculum because school is getting out right about then. Dad gets the shaft.

Dads need encouragement too. It’s not an easy job. Throwing praise out there for Mom, and not for Dad, creates a balance shift in the cereal box propaganda universe.

What are your plans to resolve this? When will the Dad boxes hit the shelves?

Sincerely,

Jerry
-------------------------------------------
From: Corporate.Response@genmills.com
Date: Thu, 3 Jun 2010 11:53:05 -0500
Subject: Your Response From "General Mills" - 2010/06/03-0146 YJLG

Dear Jerry:

Thank you for contacting General Mills. Your comments are important to us.

We are committed to making a difference in the lives of our consumers. Feedback such as yours is important to the nature of our business.

We appreciate your loyalty and the time you took to contact us. Please be assured that we will share your thoughts with the appropriate individuals.

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Consumer Services

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 119 - Anonymous Post To A School Secretary Who Doesn't Spell Check - 3/5/2010

My friend "Angela" forwarded me an email, sent by the secretary at her kids' school.  The email was sent to all of the parents.  She, like me, believes that as an institute for learning, more care should be taken to spell words correctly.

Below is part of the original email (names have been changed), as well as a note that was sent.

By the way, have you shopped Poppy lately?  It's a great site!
-----------------------------------------
From: Peggy H

Date: Tue, Mar 2, 2010 at 10:59 AM
Subject: FW: Horton Woods weekly update 3/2/10
To: Peggy H

HAPPY 106th BRITHDAY DR. SUESS!


Parents/Guardians,

Please check out our website to see more information and activities going on in our great school

Keep reading below to see the calendar

LAST WEEK TO ODER YOUR CUSTOM HANGING BASKETS FROM THE GREENHOUSE.

5TH GRADE GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT ~TONIGHT

6:00PM – 8:00PM

COME AND ENJOY AN ITIALAN FAMILY SYTLE DINNER WITH PRGORAM TO FOLLOW

PERMISSION SLIPS SHOULD BE IN.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS CALL KATHY K. @ 555-3022
-----------------------------------------
Our letter, sent 3/5/2010

Dear Peggy,

It has been said that a man who couldn't spell once spent the night in a warehouse. Do you realize you're single-handedly sending our children down this same path?

You are the face of Hayden Meadows, an institute of education. Your actions reflect upon my children's education. One day, I would like people to say, "Oh-I see here you went to Hayden Meadows, among other fine learning institutes. You're hired." Right now, you have my children heading down a collision course. "You went to Hayden Meadows? Hold on-we have a few picture menus behind the counter."

I was reading an email that you sent out on March 3rd. It was addressed to the entire network of student's parents and guardians. It was probably forwarded to several friends and relatives with taglines like "see how many misspellings you can find!"

I mean, you really butchered that thing. Words like " ITIALAN" "SYTLE", "ODER", "PRGORAM". Exactly who is Doctor Suess? Can I take a guess? Your spelling is a mess.

Here's the deal. We're expected to set a good example for the kids. The Golden rule. Work hard. Reading, Writing, Arithmetic. Somewhere in there, we should also stress Spelling. Spell checkers are really handy and easy to use. Some email applications include a built-in spell-checker.

I might even suggest:

1) Typing everything in a word processor like Microsoft Word.
2) Run the frigging spell checker.
3) Paste the spell check text into your email.

This might save a little unnecessary criticism, and contribute to the bedrock foundation of education, that we all work toward with our children. I'm just trying to help.

Thank you,

Angela

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 118 - Maple Leaf Bakery and Their Childproof Bread Bag - 3/8/2010

Dear Maple Leaf Bakery,


I’m a dissatisfied customer. Let’s throw it out there. Put the sign around my neck. I’m annoyed. It takes a lot to get me to this point, and you’ve succeeded. Congratulations. Send everybody home for a half day.

Here’s the deal. My mom makes awesome Oatmeal bread. My kids eat it like it’s laced with addictive drugs. When they go to Grandma’s house, she always makes her Oatmeal bread, and sends the leftovers home with them. When my parents go to Arizona in the winter, my kids go through Oatmeal Bread Withdrawal (OBW). That was, until today.

My wife discovered your Wholesome Harvest Wholesome Oatmeal Bread. My son’s eyes lit up. One problem—your sealing method really stinks. Most bread has one of two options: the wire twist tie, or the little plastic square with the notched hole. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about—I bet it even has an industry name.

Your great idea: tape the bag shut with tape that is impossible to undo. I swear your tape employs top secret government adhesives. Were people armed with spray butter, breaking into bread bags at the store? So I was left with one option: tear into the bag like a hungry badger, or two promiscuous teens in the back seat of Dad’s Chevy.

I tried to make a small hole, but with each successive bread slice egression, the hole became bigger and bigger. It’s enormous. My wife said, “We can just put it in a different bag. I said “Dammit—we shouldn’t have to!”

When we bought your bread, we paid extra for what we believed to be a quality product. I’m sure some exec got a nice promotion for suggesting an idea that saved you $0.01 in material, and $0.03 in labor. “Screw the customer and his notion of fresh bread on the second, third, and fourth days”.

You sold us down the river for 4 lousy cents. But guess what? It also cost you a customer. And we eat a lot of bread.

Sincerely,

Jerry
-------------------------------------------------
Subject: RE: Dissatisfied

Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:19:23 -0600

Good Morning Jerry,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about our Wholesome Harvest Oatmeal bread. Customer feedback is our most important tool.

While we can appreciate your frustration, you should know that we do not provide the packaging of the bread. The packaging for the bread is selected by the in-store bakery. If you are having a problem with the bag or any part of the packaging, you should address this issue with the in-store bakery manager of the store where you purchase our products.

On behalf of Maple Leaf Bakery, we realize your time is valuable and are grateful for your comments. If you have any further questions or comments on this or any of our other products, please feel free to contact me again. If you would provide your address, I would be happy to send you coupons for any of the bread in the Wholesome Harvest line of products. While certainly not Grandma’s, we hope your children will continue to enjoy our bread.

Peggy O. Fidanza
Customer Relations Coordinator
Maple Leaf Bakery
Quality Line: 800-550-6810

-------------------------------------------------
Subject: RE: Dissatisfied
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 2010 22:47:31 -0500

Peggy,

You make a fine loaf of bread. Sorry if I sounded hostile. I bought this at Kroger. I didn't know that they bag-and-seal it there. I'll take this up with them, partly because I feel bad for you. Your name gets dragged through the mud when someone downstream does that to you. Think of the people who were miffed about it and didn't complain. They may have just written the Maple  Leaf Bakery off, once and for all.

Can I make a suggestion? You, with your delicious bread as leverage, should specify a reusable sealing device downstream.

If I don't talk to you again, have a nice life!

Thanks.

Jerry
---------------------------------------------
Dear Kroger,

You're in big trouble now.  I unleashed a letter of fury at Oak Leaf Bakery about their delicious Wholesome Harvest Oatmeal bread.  The bread comes with a very strong piece of tape as the bag seal.  I had to tear into the bag to get at the tasty cargo.

I accused those people of trying to save four cents in exchange for second and third day bread freshness.  I said I would never buy Oak Leaf Bakery bread again. 

The thing is, I'm pretty easy-going. If this bugged me, it annoys a lot of people.  Most people wouldn't complain.  They'd just fall back in line and buy some Wonder.  They'd settle.  And Oak Leaf Bakery would lose valued customers. 

They're nice people.  Quit hosing them.  How about a twist tie?

Jerry
From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 117 - Spectracide and Their Sprayer That Only Works When You Don't Want It To Work - 5/5/2010

I spent a decent amount of time trying to help Spectricide with a design flaw on their weed killer squirter. They really were terrible from a consumer relations standpoint.


Learn from my mistake--buy Weedbgone.
-------------------------------------------
Dear Spectacide,

I am extremely dissatisfied with your 1.3 Gallon Weed Stop with Crabgrass Killer. On Friday, I paid $19.99 for your product. On Saturday, I hooked everything up.

Complaint #1: When I removed the nozzle from its packaged position, the bracket came with it. I replaced the nozzle on the side of the jug, but its really loose.

Complaint # 2: A minor complaint, but the tab that one pulls to allow the batteries to complete their circuit, ripped in half. This meant I had to remove the batteries and fish out the remaining part of the tab. Annoying, but not a big deal.

Complaint # 3: I carefully attempted to gently pull the tubing from inside the handle, per the instructions. I felt resistance, so I stopped pulling. I was afraid of kinking the tubing, or accidentally disconnecting the other end of the tubing, from its port. Therefore, I only had about half of the length of cord to use.

Complaint #4: Next, I “fired” her up. The “SPRAY” and “STREAM” settings were both very similar—more of a low pressure trickle. If I were a weed, I would laugh at it.

Complaint # 5: After about three minutes of me aiming my trickle stream ten inches from each weed, the whole thing petered out. No spray. I wondered if maybe I had unintentionally kinked the unexposed cord, inside the handle. I tried several times. No stream—just the purring sound of the motor, spinning unproductively inside the handle.

Complaint # 6: Heeding your directions, I attempted to put the dial in “CLOSE” position. I wasn’t too worried because I couldn’t get anything out of the jug in the first place. However, when you say “CLOSE” position, there is no fixed indicator (arrow, paint mark, etc) to align the “CLOSE” part of the nozzle to. If putting the spray nozzle in the “CLOSE” position is so crucial, there should be a very clear indicator mark on the handle.

Complaint # 6: When I returned with a screw driver to disassemble and un-kink the tubing, I lifted the jug. Hmm…empty. I looked down and saw rust on the garage floor. Rust from the shovel, onto which the ENTIRE jug must have emptied itself. So let me get this straight: when I want it to work, it ranges from trickle, to not working at all. When I don’t want it to work, it pukes all over the garage floor. Seriously?

Complaint # 7: I decided to pull the tubing the rest of the way out, and the entire tube came all the way off. So I had to disassemble, reattach, and reassemble the handle.

I’m not really sure why I reassembled it—the jug is empty.

I’d appreciate a written explanation. Meanwhile, the weeds that I was trying to get to, have quadrupled. Why should I buy Spectracide again?

Gotta go clean the poison off of my garage floor.

Sincerely,

Jerry
-----------------------------------
Subject: Case 998898: Sprayer
Date: Fri, 7 May 2010 17:04:22 -0400
From: monique@spectrumbrands.com

Thank you for contacting United Industries and reporting issues with our EZ Spray.

Please read through the list below to troubleshoot the problem:

1. Verify that the nozzle is either in the spray or stream position when pushing the sprayer trigger.

2. Press battery door to ensure battery connection.

3. Verify that the plastic tab has been removed from the bottom of the sprayer to activate batteries.

4. Verify that the plug is securely inserted into the cap and that the cap is securely tightened on the bottle.

5. Inspect sprayer hose to make sure it is flexible, and not kinked, worn or cracked.

6. Verify that the 4 AA batteries are new and of the same type. Do not mix alkaline with carbon-zinc, or rechargeable batteries.

7. Hold the sprayer bottle higher than the gun and press trigger.

8. The trigger may need to be depressed for up to 30 seconds to prime the product to the gun before it will dispense.

Notes:

1. The batteries included with the gun are designed to drain approximately 4.5 gallons of chemical (the product includes 1.3 gallons of chemical).

2. Heavy Duty batteries do not provide enough power to run pump.

3. When storing sprayer for prolonged periods of time remove batteries.

We apologize for the inconvenience. If your EZ sprayer does not work after reviewing the checklist, please let me know and I will send a new sprayer to your promptly. We do appreciate your use of our products.

Monique
Product Specialist
United Industries
A Subsidiary of Spectrum Brands
-----------------------------------
Dear Monique,

Thank you for responding. I appreciate your apology, and also your gratitude.

Did you read my note?

First, I see a lot of instructions to troubleshoot the sprayer, with a full jug of Spectracide Weed Stop. My jug is empty. My jug emptied itself.

Next, it’s probably best to take your troubleshoot steps one by one:

1) Verify that the nozzle is either in the spray or stream position when pushing the sprayer trigger.

-As I stated: there aren’t clear markings on the handle, like an arrow?

2) Press battery door to ensure battery connection.

-As I stated: motor was running, therefore batteries connected.

3) Verify that the plastic tab has been removed from the bottom of the sprayer to activate batteries.

-As I stated: a) the tab broke so I had to go in and fish it out (need to design stronger tab). b) motor was running, so tab was removed.

4) Verify that the plug is securely inserted into the cap and that the cap is securely tightened on the bottle.

-This is good advice. I saw this on the side of the jug. I did this at the time.

5) Inspect sprayer hose to make sure it is flexible, and not kinked, worn or cracked.

-As I stated: the hose that you had packaged in the handle did not come out “freely”. It seemed to be tangled. I thought I had a kink. In the future, I’d recommend a different packaging method (like outside the handle).

6) Verify that the 4 AA batteries are new and of the same type. Do not mix alkaline with carbon-zinc, or rechargeable batteries.

-As I stated, I bought this on Friday, and had my issue on Saturday when I hooked it up. These were the batteries that you supplied, and they were new.

7) Hold the sprayer bottle higher than the gun and press trigger.

-Priming instructions on the side of the bottle would have been a great idea. I realized this was a priming issue, not a hose kink issue, when I found my jug completely empty.

8) The trigger may need to be depressed for up to 30 seconds to prime the product to the gun before it will dispense.

-I easily depressed the trigger for 60 or 90 seconds.

Monique, let me bottom line this. I would appreciate a new trigger. That’s probably a good idea.

However, if I have to buy more weed killer to test the new trigger out, it’s going to be Ortho Weedbgone.

Sincerely,

Jerry
-----------------------------------------
To: monique.malone@spectrumbrands.com
Subject: RE: Case 998898: Sprayer
Date: Tue, 18 May 2010 23:04:27 -0400

Hi Monique,

You've been quiet. I guess that means an ix-nay on the replacement sprayer, as well as any further assistance with the fact that the entire jug emptied itself.

Two quick points:

1) When it emptied, it was on my grill. On the wood surface. I'd like to know how to ensure that I've removed any carcinogens. Can you send me an MSDS, so I can ensure my family's safety?

2) I decided to fill the bottle with water and root cause your problem. I feel like I owe your other consumers that. Guess what? When I turn it all the way to either stop, it sprays. The "CLOSE" option isn't an option--it's a polite, soft-spoken suggestion from a non-authority figure in a Moon Bounce filled with eight-year-olds hopped up on Mountain Dew and Milky Ways. IT DOESN'T WORK.

I'm hoping this is a quality problem. Imagine how many of these things are in garages. You're depending on people to put the handle in the little counter-intuitive holster, and for that holster to always hold the handle. If that handle falls lower than the bottle, and the "CLOSE" doesn't work (as mine doesn't), you could have a very serious matter on your hands.

I realize that you don't really plan on helping me. Whatever. I hope you plan on helping the next guy--the one who put his sprayer on the garage shelf above his kids' toy barrel.

Sincerely,

Jerry

--------------------------------

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From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/

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Post # 116 - Motorola and Their Piece of Crap RAZR Phone - 3/6/2010

Dear Motorola,

I have been a Motorola RAZR Phone user for two years. They have been miserable years. Miserable like an 88 minute romantic comedy that winds up being a 130 minute “one-of- main-characters-is-slowly-dying” drama.

This phone was provided to me by my employer, Koester Steaks. There are several of us ranchers with these phones, and several of us have the same problem. The back cover falls off willy-nilly, anytime. Mid conversation. Pulling it out of its holster to check the time. Checking my email while I’m in the stall.

It started about 6 months into my ownership. The cover came off. I saw my battery and SIM card. I thought “great—now I know where they are in case I need to take them out.” Then, it was like a kid’s loose tooth. The more I used it, the looser it got. I was a bit annoyed. One of my coworkers complained, and the boss said “you probably don’t need a work phone anyway. So I gulped hard and swallowed my complaint.

Soon, my minor annoyance was a full-on red ass. I had to tape it shut. The other ranchers made fun of me for having a taped-shut phone. “Look at the dork with the tape on his phone.”

Eventually, the phone started “blacking out”. It seems the battery was loose—even with the back lid taped shut. To keep it “functional” I had to apply pressure to the back side with one finger, while holding it with the others. Unfortunately, I picked the wrong finger, and one of the other ranchers thought I was flipping him off. There was a scuffle at Koester Steak Ranch. No one was hurt though.

This Motorola RAZR phone is a piece of crap. You didn’t spend enough time developing and testing. I am supported by two very significant facts:

1) I know four other people with the same problem.
2) A Google search brings up several similar complaints. Try it—I dare you.

Do you admit that this has been a big issue in the field?

Sincerely,

Jerry Herman
---------------------------------------
3/10/2010 reply:

Dear Jerry,

Thanks for reaching out to Motorola.

Regarding your concern, we are sorry to hear about the inconvenience that you have experienced. There has not been any known issue notified pertaining the back cover of the Motorola RAZR cell phone series. Motorola stands behind our products by offering a minimum one-year warranty issued from the date of purchase. This warranty does not cover physical or liquid damage and is applicable to all the phones that were manufactured for the US market.

We look forward to assisting you in the future.

For information about Motorola products and services, please visit us at http://www.hellomoto.com/

Thank you for contacting Motorola e-mail support.

Best Regards,

Guido
--------------------------------------------------------------
My response, sent 3/10/2010

Dear Motorola,

Yep. I figured it wasn’t covered. Why would it be? For a year and a half, I wondered, “what if I complained within the warranty period?” It turns out, it wouldn’t have been covered anyway.

Warranties are great for companies when they crank out crap. That back cover is a known problem. You screwed up. I know it. You know it.

This is where we part. I’m no longer a Motorola slappee. I’m just some guy with a big mouth telling people about my experiences.

Thanks for nothing!

Jerry
------------------------------------
Dear Jerry,


Thanks for contacting Motorola once again.

We regret losing you as a valued customer and we remain at your entire disposal for any future inquiries you may have.

For information about Motorola products and services, please visit us at http://www.hellomoto.com/

Thank you for contacting Motorola e-mail support.

Best Regards,
---------------------------------------------------
Guido,

You mention being at my full disposal, but you never really did anything except dodge some questions about a design flaw with your RAZR phone, and hide behind a clause in the warranty.

You contradict yourself. First, you acknowledge that you’re losing me as a customer. Then you provide your website for product info. If I were a customer, I’d probably enjoy the site. As it stands, if I click on the site, I might buy another fall-apart phone.

Thanks but no thanks. Have a nice life.

Jerry

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 115 - My Three Wishes for Tom Wilson as Prez and CEO of Ilitch Holdings - 2/22/2010

Tom Wilson used to be President of Palace Entertainment.  He recently jumped over to Illitch Holdings.

I wrote him several years back, and he responded.  That letter is HERE
----------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Wilson,

Congratulations on your new position as President and CEO of the Ilitch Organization.

You may remember several years ago, my complaint regarding the bathroom situation at the Palace of Auburn Hills during a Piston game. It seems that my situation was urgent, and many off the men’s restrooms were converted for the womenfolk. You responded nicely, with Piston tickets. You also suspected that my Emu Burger from the Moose Preserve might have been to blame.

Fast forward twelve years. You’re taking charge of my two favorite sports franchises, and reporting to a great man. I have three issues that need tackling.

First: if the Red Wings wind up with a new arena, please, please, please put in more restrooms. There’s nothing worse than an ill-timed restroom urge, similar to my Emu Burger episode. Such a visit could take half of a period. Restrooms everywhere--upper level, lower level, outside where the smokers dwell. Heck—leave room for a bank of porta-jons at the top of the upper bowl for the nose bleeders. More restrooms.

Second: please address the hot dog situation at Comerica Park. I remember as a kid, enjoying plump, juicy, steamed Ballpark Franks. Now, when I go to a game, I get these discolored, shriveled up wieners that look like they spun one too many times on the 7-Eleven rollers. And yes, the Hebrew Nationals are of better quality, but they’re mighty salty. Plump, juicy steamed hot dogs. Maybe do something special with the bun—bakery rolls or something. Why not give Detroit it’s own Signature Weiner?

Third: I miss the old organ at Tiger Stadium. Bring it back. I’m not saying get rid of all of the players’ salsa music, maybe intersperse it.

Lastly, I hope you negotiated a 1.25 percent raise. You’re working in the city now, and they tax. Also, they like handing out the parking tickets. You’ve been warned.

Good luck in the new position!

Jerry

P.S. - Maybe also retire #11 before it’s too late. Pretty please.
-----------------------------
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