Post# 221 - Starbucks Coffee and Their Pumpkin Spice Lattes

Dear Starbucks,


As I entered one of your stores today, I smelled it.  Pumpkin Spice Lattes.  I looked at my calendar.  Halloween is 54 days away.


I believe strongly that every pumpkin deserves it's fair chance at being a Jack o' Lantern.  If the pumpkin isn't "ready" on October 31st, well that's fair.  But you took those pumpkins out of the running for Jack o' Lantern over seven weeks early.

I view "Pumpkin Spice" season as autumn.  Autumn and after Halloween.  Heck, you can run Pumpkin Spice season right up to the holidays--it works.  Especially with all of the pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, pumpkin muffins and pumpkin ice cream.  I just think that a week ago, the kids were swimming in a pool, riding up to the ice cream shop, trying to outrun the long arm of school.  And meanwhile, those pumpkins were trying to outrun Starbucks.


This is how I feel.  I can't help it.


Sincerely,


Jerry
---------------------
 Subject: Re: other <<#383492-6779074#>>
Date: Saturday, September 10, 2011, 12:23 AM

Hello Jerry,

 

Thank you for contacting Starbucks Coffee Company.

Thank you for your candid correspondence. Rest assured we take our customer's feedback seriously and are looking to improve your experience on a daily basis. I've forwarded your comments to our corporate office for review, and hopefully we can achieve a positive resolution to this situation. Thank you again for supporting Starbucks!

If you have any further questions or concerns that I was unable to address, please feel free to let me know. 

Warm Regards,

Brittney M

Customer Relations

Starbucks Coffee Company

---------------------

My response, sent 9/13/2011:

Brittany,

Thank you for your response.  It is quite obvious, by the tone--between the words, margins, and spaces--Starbucks takes their consumer feedback seriously.


It sounds like you're going to be heading up to the corporate office at some point to defend my letter, and I appreciate that.  How many more pumpkins need to be destroyed senselessly before the trees have even turned?  There isn't even a nip of autumn chill in the air, and pumpkins are having their seeds and goop senselessly and prematurely removed.  And for what?  Spicy coffee?

I appreciate you fighting my battle!

Sincerely,

Jerry
-----------------------
From: Starbucks Customer Care
Subject: Re: Fw: Re: other <<#383492-6779074#>>
Date: Wednesday, September 14, 2011, 7:46 PM
Hello Jerry,

Thank you for contacting Starbucks Coffee Company and sharing your opinions about the pumpkins with us.

I sincerely appreciate your comments and hope you will continue to enjoy Starbucks coffee.   

Sincerely,  

 

Misty J

Customer Relations

Starbucks Coffee Company

---------------------------

Subject: Re: Fw: Re: other <<#383492-6779074#>>
Date: Wednesday, September 14, 2011, 9:44 PM

Dear Misty, Oh dear.  What happened to Brittany?  I sincerely hope she didn't get fired for fighting my pumpkin battle. Because if that's the case, I can't ask you to take up my cause.  Unless, that is, that is, you feel as I do about the pumpkins.  I guess what I'm saying is, judgment call.  Tread lightly. If you run into Brittany, thank her and apologize for me. Thank you, Jerry -----------------------

From: Starbucks Customer Care <info@starbucks.com>
Subject: Re: Fw: Re: other <<#383492-6779074#>>
Date: Thursday, September 15, 2011, 5:20 PM


Hello Jerry,
 
Thank you for taking your time to contact The Starbucks Coffee Company.

 I wanted to assure you that Brittany (and Misty) are both still employed with Starbucks. Starbucks treasures the opinions of our loyal customers and would in no way punish an associate for simply relaying any issues or concerns to our corporate office. You might want to put your ideas on http://mystarbucksidea.force.com/ideaList?ext=0&lsi=0&category=Food where you can get feedback and support from your peers. I'm sure you will have some people interested in your cause considering it has been a pleasure, however sensitive the subject, to hear someone as passionate in their beliefs as Starbucks is in our product and service.

Thank you for allowing me to assure you that we are a company designed to support you and that we would never punish a customer representative for doing their job by making your voice heard. If you have any further questions or concerns that I was unable to address, please feel free to let me know. 

Warm Regards,

Dina S

Customer Relations

Starbucks Coffee Company

--------------------------------------

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Post# 220 - Genie: How About a Breadbox Garage Opener

I sent this to Genie on 10/2/2011:

Dear Genie,

As a homespace organizer, I am always looking for ways to optimize space and make life more convenient for my customers.   I add shelving and hangerspace in closets.  I install multimedia entertainment systems to tastefully contain television, cable box, gaming consoles and peripherals, and computer accessories.  In my tri-county area, I am a legend.  And now, I come to you for help.

One of my clients is a dual income (surgeon/lawyer) twosome with four kitties--Sable, Mable , Rable, and Boris.  They keep their spare cat food, kitty treats, and catnip stowed in a standard breadbox--the kind with a sliding "garage door."  The solution is almost perfect--stylish, sleek, and very well confined.  I said ALMOST perfect.

The problem is, at night, they often forget to close the lid, only to wake up to a kitchen torn apart.  Treats gone, food everywhere. As they go to sleep, they remember that they left the bread box garage door.  With the stresses and demands of a career in medicine or law, they lack the willpower or motivation to get up and slide the little garage door to the "down" position.

This is where Genie comes in.

How about engineering and manufacturing a miniature version of your garage door, for bread boxes.  I am talking about an exact replica, only scaled down to breadbox size.  To keep the design conversion simple, it could function exactly the same (optical sensors at the bottom, a little light on the ceiling, etc).  The remote could be normal size, or key fob size. 

This design would allow busy, exhausted people like the Crenshaws, to close their breadbox from wherever they are in the house.  In bed, on the commode, in the lazy chair watching the three tenors on PBS.  You name it!

What do you think?

Sincerely,

Jerry

-----------------
Subject: Scaled Down Version
To: genie_info@geniecompany.com
Date: Monday, October 17, 2011, 10:44 PM

Dear Genie, What gives?  Two weeks ago, I gave you a product idea--an opportunity to spread your wings a little.  I put a lot of time and effort into my note.  I made a logical walk from Point A (kitchen storage problem) to Point B (business opportunity for Genie). I'm sorry--maybe you didn't like my idea.  Maybe it didn't "fit your model."  Maybe you snickered about my idea and labeled me a "dumb-ass."  You never responded.  To me that's an even bigger insult. In business school, they teach you that "the customer is always right."  They tell you that there is nothing more valuable than customer feedback.  Without customer feedback, you're off in some vaccuum inventing some piece of crap that no one wants. Then it hit me.  Two years ago, I sent you a note pointing out a very obvious flaw with one of your products.  Your solution was to charge me $9 for a replacement battery cover for your crappy keypad because after replacing the battery a few times, the cover wouldn't stay covered. Maybe it's better that you don't respond.  You'd probably charge me $9 to read my letter. Thanks for nothing.  Run a lap of shame around the Genie Complex Jerry -------------------- From: Info, Genie <genie_info@geniecompany.com> Subject: RE: Scaled Down Version Date: Thursday, October 20, 2011, 10:16 AM Odd, I actually replied to that email. I did get a chuckle out of it, to be honest, but that was mainly due to the story you told in the email rather than the idea. Truthfully, I’m not entirely sure there’s much of a market for something like that, but it’s not my call to make. When we receive emails or letters such as that, we generally forward them to the folks who handle new product ideas and development. I did so at that time, and explained this in my initial reply. Regardless, I apologize if you did not receive my emailed reply for some reason and do hope that this one actually reaches you. Nate C. Customer Service The Genie Company PO Box 67 Mount Hope, OH 44660 -------------------------- Subject: RE: Scaled Down Version To: "GenieInfo" <genie_info@geniecompany.com> Date: Thursday, October 20, 2011, 9:56 PM Nate, Thanks for the note.  I appreciate the feedback.  Maybe I'll hit up Radio Shack.  Either way, you still owe me a lap!  A full one--no fair cutting the northern part of the complex either! Thanks, Jerry -------------------------- You May Also Enjoy: Post# 134 - Family Tradition: Bugles Post# 155 - Sargento and the Swiss Cheese Lie From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/ Follow me on Twitter: @hermanletters Follow me on Facebook

Post# 219 - Skippy Natural Peanut Butter: Not-So-Natural - 7/29/2010

I sent this to Skippy Peanut Butter on 7/29/2010:

Dear Skippy,

When I was a boy, I spent my summers on my Grandpa’s peanut farm in lovely Georgia. We would work hard—really, really hard, all day. We’d be up at 4:30, breaking for a big lunch at 11:00, and working right up until dusk.

At night, we’d sit on the porch. Grandpa would tell stories about how simple the world used to be, and how much better it was. Grandma would take some of the peanuts (the ugly ones). She would shell them and grind them. The result was the most delicious peanut butter. She would say “it tastes so good because it’s natural—how God intended it. No lard, vegetable oil, or ingredients that we can’t even pronounce.

If there were ingredients listed on Grandma’s jar, they would read “Peanuts”. Grandma and Grandpa H died horrible deaths years later. I don’t really like thinking about it. And really, that’s beside the point. The real point here is, things were natural. My brother and I would argue over the right to “stir” the peanut butter.

A few weeks back, I headed to the store to purchase some peanut butter. I thought of my Grandma when I reached for Skippy Natural. As I paid the cashier, I knew Grandma would be proud of my choice, rest her soul. I pictured some other Grandfather/Grandson tandem picking those peanuts in the hot, hot Georgia sun.

I took my Skippy Natural Peanut Butter home to enjoy what I thought would be a natural experience. As I loosened the lid, I read the ingredients. Roasted peanuts, sugar, palm oil and salt. Suddenly, my vision of Grandpa’s farm picked up a sugar cane field, a salt mine, and some palm trees. That’s awfully busy, don’t you think?

I don’t have a huge problem with the salt. I don’t understand the palm oil or sugar. I’m no dummy—the oil removes the stirring part. Aren’t we out-of-shape enough? A little vigorous exercise is good. Also—I bet you sell three times as much peanut butter by sweetening it for the young folk.

Make up your mind. Are you going natural, or not? Palm trees don’t grow in peanut fields. Their oil doesn’t belong in my peanut butter. Don’t call it natural f it really isn’t. It’s deceptive.

Mark me down as dissatisfied. I’d appreciate a written explanation.

Sincerely.

Jerry

P.S. – Are the Skippy Scientists working on a peanut allergen friendly peanut butter? Your competitors are. Just pointing that out.
----------------------------

Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2010 08:54:44 -0400
Subject: Skippy Consumer Services Case #: 7738520

Hello Jerry,

Thank you for writing to us. We do apologize for the experience you reported concerning Skippy.

Skippy Natural uses palm oil, not palm kernel oil.  Palm oil is extracted from the pulp of the palm fruitlet and then continues through several non-chemical processing steps. Palm kernel oil is a tropical oil derived from the seed of the palm fruit. Palm kernel oil, not to be confused with palm oil, is extremely high in saturated fat. It is often used in the manufacture of various cosmetics and in some brands of margarine.

Palm Oil is used in this product because it is a "natural" oil and helps eliminates the oil separation seen in other natural peanut butters. The palm oil is extracted from the palm fruitlet by pressing. Subsequent processing steps are non-chemical and thus palm oil can be considered 'natural'.  Many consumers want to serve natural peanut butters to their families, but they dislike having to stir the oil into the product. Skippy Natural allows you to enjoy the benefits of Natural Peanut Butters without having the added step of having to stir.

Skippy Natural is made with ingredients that are minimally and non-chemically processed. The FDA does not have a definition for natural products, like it does for organic foods, but the general ruling is that natural foods should be minimally and non-chemically processed.

Other Natural Peanut Butters do not use a stabilizing ingredient. This causes the natural oils found in peanuts to separate out, thus causing a layer of oil on the top.

We hope this information is helpful!

Your friends at Skippy

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Post# 218 - Mountain Dew Pitch Black: The Can Is Mostly Empty - 6/30/2011

Dear Pepsi Folk,

When I purchased a twelve pack of your “Mountain Dew Pitch Black,” my daughter was with me.  Jane is too young to remember the last time this wonderfully grape-flavored Mountain Dew hit the market.  With Jane being a “Mountain Dew Superfan,” I promised to save her one.

You see, I drive a rig across the country.  I rely on your caffeinated beverages to keep me on the road, and to help me to keep on truckin’.  Standard procedure is to load my twelver into the mini-fridge along with a full pound of thinly sliced deli turkey (for samiches) and six breakfast bars.  I throw four Milky Way Midnights in the fridge (for snacktime).   Once, I accidentally bought the caffeine-free version.  Was this some sort of practical joke? 

More than caffeine, the beverages give me a goal—something to work toward.  Since I get paid on a per-trip basis and need to cover my costs, I drink one per twelfth of my trip.  Sometimes that equates to once per 750 miles.   Because I was saving the last one, I would skip one of my reward zones.

This past trip, I drove to Boulder and back.  By Peoria, my eyes were droopy.  I was dreaming.  I kept thinking about that last Mountain Dew.  It was calling my name.  Then I would think of Janey, and I would resist.

When I pulled up by the house, I was beat.  My wife, Stephanie, and Janey greeted me right in the street.  Lorraine had fried four whole chickens and made homemade mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and corn bread.  What a feast!  Jane hugged me for what seemed like a full minute—she missed me.  Then, she looked at me, as if to say, “alright, Daddy, where is my Mountain Dew Pitch Black?”  I reached into my mini-fridge and grabbed it.  As I was handing it off, it felt light.  Like almost empty.

Janey ran and cried—she locked herself in the bathroom.  She thought I ripped her off.  Instead of making sweet, sweet love to Stephanie with a bellyful of chicken, I spent the whole night talking Janey out of that bathroom.  My night and my weekend was ruined.

What gives?  Is this some sort of cost savings idea?  Skimp on one of the twelve cans?  Can I expect two if I get the24 pack?  It’s not like there was residue in my mini-fridge.  None of the cans from the 12-pack was sticky from a leaky can.  Don’t they check weight of the packages down at the Pepsi Bottler?

Here’s some info: if a normal can weights 12.25 oz, this one weighs 3.0 oz.  The bottom of the can reads “NOV 7 2011  2237HC 05031MI10c”  There is a tiny pinhole about 5 mm above the barcode, between the words “INDEPENDENT” and “AUTHORITY.”

If this is some new idea, I think it absolutely stinks.  My daughter wrote a story for her class about what a disappointment I was.  Right on the front cover, she drew herself with a sad face. 

I don’t really know what else I can do for you.  This is really messed up.

Thanks for nothing!

Jerry
----------------------------
On Mon, 7/4/11, noreply@pepsi.com <noreply@pepsi.com> wrote:

Subject: A Message from PepsiCo Consumer Relations 012748087B
Date: Monday, July 4, 2011, 10:00 AM

Dear Jerry,

Thank you for contacting us about the issue you had with one of our products. We're grateful for your assistance in our quality assurance efforts.

I am so sorry that your daughter was so upset about the empty can. I'm sure she realizes that you didn't rip her off and as hard as it is for a child to understand, sometimes things can happen that are out of your control. It sounds like the product leaked out of the can. I'm not sure if that happened at the plant or at the store.

Please know that I've shared the information you provided with the appropriate bottling facility. I've also mailed out a few complimentary coupons for your inconvenience. I was able to get a hold of a Mountain Dew T-Shirt (we only had an adult medium size) for Jane. I sent that too. They should arrive in about a week to 10 days.

I hope this helps with your situation. Thanks for writing and have a great day!!

Fondly,

Dee Dee
Consumer Relations Representative

*********************************************************************
We hope that we have addressed your concern but if we can be of further assistance, please click the link below to send us your comments. Please do not select the REPLY option through email or your response will not reach us. If link does not work, please copy/paste the URL in to your web browser and hit enter.


http://cr.pepsi.com/usen/pepsiusen.cfm?reply=A20963368320256189012748087Bs0DWA19533056

*********************************************************************

012748087B

{\i DID YOU KNOW ... *** All of Pepsi-Cola’s plastic soft-drink bottles contain an average of 10% recycled plastic, and the average aluminum can contains 40% to 50% recycled aluminum. ***}

-------------------------

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Post# 217 - War on Spam - Textile and the Polar Bear Who Bit My Ass

Date: Thu, 13 May 2010 00:48:07 +0800

From: caosnimachzh41hua@msn.com
Subject: textile manufacture introduction

Dear Sir,

Pls allow me to introduce our factory in China again.

We produce all kinds of fleece blankets and 100% polyester voile and organza curtain,coral fleece bathrobes,fleece jackets,kitchen products and other hometextile and garments.We do more than 10 millons US dollars business annually.

ABOUT OUR FACTORY:

A household textile products manufacturer, our company is situated in Changshu, Jiangsu Province; just 100 kilometers from the regional trade and communications hub of Shanghai. With our surrounding area being one of China's main production bases for fabric and garments, we have convenient access to both raw materials and skilled labor.

We produce a wide collection of good quality polar fleece blankets,100% polyester curtain and coral fleece bathrobes.Beside we are also very professionally of producing coral fleece blankets,sauna quilts,suede products and some other well sold household textile and kitchen products.We are mainly doing large business with European,North American and Japan customer.We have been in these line for more than 5 years The company has independent import and export right. Especially, our products are selling well in German, Italian, Japanese, and the United States markets.

Moreover, we have more than 200 highly skilled workers and 10 trading staff. .We have strong supply ability which can ship 7 millions pcs of products per year. The daily production capacity of polar fleece blanket can reach 30,000pcs,and 10,000pcs for curtains and other products.

We do hope to develop more business with new company all over the world,Best quality and best price will always be our objective.For more information about any of our products, manufacturing techniques or other details, please either take a look at our catalog, or contact us directly. We also welcome companies worldwide to cooperate with us.

HYUSIT Textile Co.,Ltd
Jerry

Contact: textileenquiry@yeah.net
----------------------------------------
To: textileenquiry@yeah.net
Subject: FW: textile manufacture introduction
Date: Wed, 12 May 2010 20:10:53 -0400
Dear Jerry,

Did someone mention Textile Manufacture? I have conquered nearly every industry. Film houses, race tracks, build-a-bear workshops, circus peanut confections, the kind of massage parlors that you wouldn't recommend to your worst enemy, and most recently, breakfast cereal.

Now you present me with an opportunity to tackle the manufacturing of textile! Count me in. I see Polar Fleece among your products. You've touched a soft spot in my heart. I love Polar Fleece! Not for the normal reasons--simply because I hate Polar Bears.

I've had one run-in with a Polar Bear, while sowing my wild oats in the icy cold north. Let's just say, I am missing my left buttock as a rsult. I would love to exact my revenge.

One catch. I need a sample Polar Fleece to verify the craftsmanship before I invest.

Let me know what the next steps are, and we will go from there.

Sincerely,

Enrique Chapstik

------------------------------
No reply

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Post# 227 - KY Yours + Mine Lube: What About "Yours + Yours" and "Mine + Mine?":- 8/22/2011

Dear KY,

As the owner of a pharmacy, I stock my shelves with everything from baby wipes to cereal, hairspray to ace bandages.  I even have what we call the "awkward isle," which includes enema apparatus, tampons, and contraceptives.

Your products move quite well--I often need to increase my orders, especially around prom, the annual hoedown barn dance , and when Michael Buble's tour rolls through.  I do have one concern.  It's related to your KY Yours + Mine lubricant.

When I see two dudes walk up to my checkout with two of your KY Yours + Mine matching lube sets, I don't allow myself to draw a conclusion.  It's none of my business, and frankly I don't really care.  My job is to keep my customers happy and coming back for more.

However, the next week, when Dude #2 from the dude party returns with two open boxes and a receipt, claiming "these were both missing the "Yours" lube, now I have an issue.  This has happened three different times, with the same "Dude #2" from the same couple.

The first time, I refunded his money because I thought, wow, what are the odds.  The second time, I realized that this was a scamola, but there was a big crowd, so I begrudgingly refunded him.  The third time, I said "Enough already!"  I told him to call your 800 number directly.  He started waving his hands, calling me a hater, and telling people that I cut his Motrin prescription with Smarties.  And now, I'm losing customers.

Here's the deal.  In a loving and committed relationship, there are two people.  Most of the time, the couple is comprised of a man and a woman, hence "Yours + Mine."  Sometimes, however, loving committed couples are comprised of a man and another man, or a woman and another woman.   Your product only represents the man and woman option.

Could you please consider offering a KY "Yours + Yours" and also a KY "Mine + Mine" product?   Give a lube to everybody in the family!  I think this would solve a lot of problems for gay couples and pharmacy owners everywhere.

Sincerely,

Jerry

--------------------

Subject: McNeil-PPC, Inc. Reference - 011223369A
Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dear Jerry:

Thank you for contacting McNeil-PPC, Inc..  We appreciate your interest in our company.

We appreciate your sincere interest in and enthusiasm for our products.  We truly strive to make a difference in our consumers' lives.  We believe that every e-mail from a consumer offers useful insight into our business.  We forward feedback to our Marketing Department on a regular basis and can assure you our consumers are heard.

For future reference, please continue to recommend consumers to call the toll free number listed on thier product for product return. You may also wish to call your distributor.

Again, thank you for your interest in our company.  Should you have any comments or questions in the future, please contact us via our website www.k-y.com or by calling our toll-free number, 1877 592-7263.  Our specialists are available Monday through Friday, 8:00 a.m. - 8:00 p.m. EST and will be happy to assist you.

Janet M.
Consumer Care Center

011223369A
---------------------

Subject: Re: McNeil-PPC, Inc. Reference - 011223369A

Date: Friday, August 26, 2011

Dear Janet,

I can tell you are as enthused about my "Yours + Yours" and "Mine + Mine" idea as I am.  I'm wondering, from a Marketing Department standpoint, if any of the decision makers are of the "Yours + Yours" or "Mine + Mine" demographic.  If so, that should help our cause.  If not, let's move out of the stone age and get some diversity in there!

Thanks for responding!

Jerry

----------------------

Subject: McNeil-PPC, Inc. Reference - 011223369B
Date: Friday, August 26, 2011

Dear Jerry:

Thank you for contacting McNeil-PPC, Inc..  We appreciate your interest in our company.

We always value the views and opinions of our consumers, so comments like yours are always welcome and appreciated. We will make certain your feedback is shared with the appropriate management of our company. Please do feel free to contact us again with any other comments or suggestions you may have.

Again, thank you for your interest in our company.  Should you have any comments or questions in the future, please contact us via our website www.k-y.com or by calling our toll-free number, 1877 592-7263.  Our specialists are available Monday through Friday, 8:00 a.m. - 8:00 p.m. EST and will be happy to assist you.

Aaron A.
Consumer Care Center

011223369B
----------------

Subject: Fw: McNeil-PPC, Inc. Reference - 011223369B
Date: Saturday, August 27, 2011

Dear Aaron,

 

What ever happened with Janet?  I'm hoping she didn't get "let go" for her enthusiasm in my idea.  I guess "stay tuned" on that one!

I noticed something.  Your first sentence and last paragraph are the same as Janet's first sentence and last paragraph, so it would seem that the two of you have already incorporated a "Yours + Yours" policy, at least in spirit.  While I appreciate this gesture of solidarity, I would advise you to tread lightly on that philosophy until we find out what happened to Janet.

Thanks for responding!

Jerry

---------------------

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Post# 216 - Victoria's Secrets - Half Off Everything Catalog

Herman Letters Staffer, Larry Barnowski wrote this letter to Ms. Cynthia Fedus, President and CEO, Victoria's Secret Catalogue, sent 3/20/1998:

Dear Ms. Fedus,

As a loving husband and father, I must praise you for your fine products and catalogues.  I can attribute at least six of my eight children to your lingerie products.  As a Marketing Specialist at one of your competitors, I know the business all-too-well.  Your universal appeal to men sells just as much product as does your appeal to women.

The main reason that I write is for employment information.  In a few months, Winkleman’s, a Michigan-based woman’s clothing store, will close its doors forever.  While I feel morally obliged to “stick it out” until the wrecking ball strikes, I owe it to my wife and eight children to line up a job in the mean time. 

I perform at my peak in a challenging atmosphere, where my contributions have an impact.  I am smart, ambitious, outgoing and am seeking a stimulating, fact-paced, exciting atmosphere.  Since I religiously browse your weekly catalogues, I can begin work, already a resident expert! 

Let us be honest--flesh sells.   Magazines like Hustler and Penthouse defame women in a tasteless fashion, yet sell millions of issues each month.  Unlike those repulsive rags and the floozies who grace their pages, I find the women posing in Victoria’s Secret catalogues to be very tasteful.  With this in mind, I wish for your input on my first idea. 

Wouldn’t a “Half-off Lingerie Sale” catalog, featuring fifty percent savings, as well as models depicted with the apparel “half-off” be a great promotion?  Men everywhere would flock the phone lines in droves to deplete your warehouses of these sensual items for their wives, girlfriends, mistresses and interns everywhere.  It can’t miss!  If you use my idea, the only compensation that I request is two weeks notice so I can buy Victoria’s Secret Stock.  Is that on the NASDAQ?

Please let me know the prospects of employment that currently exist at Victoria’s Secret.  I am willing to start at the bottom.  Also, I am interested in receiving a catalog.  I appreciate your time, Ms. Fedus.

The Only Man in America to Ever Have Touched the Back Wall of a Victoria’s Secret Store,

Larry

P.S. Just what is Victoria’s Secret?

--------------------------

Carolyn Rainwater-Cooper's response, dated 4/20/1998:

Dear Larry,

Thank you for your recent correspondence.  Your letter addressed to Ms. Fedus was forwarded to our attention so that we may personally respond to your concerns.

Mr. Barnowski, we appreciate your suggestions; suggestions can provcide directions for future merchandise and services.  As a leader in the industry, Victoria's Secret Catalogue takes great interest and initiative in making changes beneficial to our customers.

Because you requested a catalogue, we enclosed two (2) current issues with this correspondence.  We hope you will find these of use.

For your reference, Victoria's Secret Catalogue is a division of Intimate Brands, Inc., which is listed as IBI on the New York Strock Exchange.

Regarding your inquiry concerning employment opportunities, your correspondence has been forwarded to our Human Resources Department for review.

Victoria's Secret Catalogue is pleased by your interest in our company.  It is our hope thay we may be of service to you in the near future.

Sincerely,

Carolyn Rainwater-Cooper
Customer Service Specialist

--------------------------

My response to Ms. Carolyn Rainwater-Cooper, Customer Service Manager, sent 4/27/1998

Dear Ms. Rainwater-Cooper,

You have a very pretty name.  I appreciate you forwarding my correspondence to your cronies over in H.R.  Hopefully you’ll get a chance to try one of my homemade orange-cranberry muffins, which I like to bring into the office each and every Friday for my fellow employees.  Usually, I keep a coffee can at my desk to take up a small collection (whatever people can give).  The money that I raise helps defray the rising costs of muffin ingredients.  But until I hear from Human Resources, it looks like it’ll be muffins-for-one.  But don’t feel sorry for me—I’m walking two miles each morning before taking the kids to school.

Two questions—first—did anyone comment on my “Half-off Lingerie Sale” idea?  I’m interested in the feedback.

Next, you didn’t answer my question about Victoria’s Secret.  Just who is this Victoria, and what is her secret?  I’ve seen article after sad article in my health magazines about the life-shortening stresses caused by keeping a secret all wrapped up inside.  It’s not worth it in the end.  So do share.

Lastly, I have my own coffee mug, which should ease the transition.  It says “World’s Greatest Dad.”  I like to fill it with coffee, but if Victoria frowns upon coffee, I can drink juice or even just water.  I’m flexible and up to the challenge.

Looking Forward to a Day When I Can Market Lingerie,

Larry
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