Post # 149 - Bonaventure Skating Rink and The King of Pop - 4/14/2010

A friend of mine, Shondira , took her kids to this skate rink one afternoon.  She described a normal roller skate rink experience, until a Michael Jackson song came on.  A giant screen came down and POOF!!! Michael Jackson video.  Soon skaters became spectators.

Subject: MJ

Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2010 22:18:06 -0400

Dear Bonaventure Skate Rink,


My cohorts and I sell insurance for a living by day. Sell, sell, sell. By night, we decompress as members of an all male roller derby team, the Upper Deckers. Skate, skate, skate.

We keep our craft sharp by having bi-weekly skate lunches. These are meant to keep us limber and loose, to build camaraderie, and to strategize—to come up with new and innovative plays and patterns for our craft.

Last Thursday, our door-to-door business found us in Farmington Hills at lunch. One of the crew used his yellow pages to locate your rink.

We skated and skated and skated. We loved it. Great mix of music, great crowd. Until…Michael Jackson came on. Suddenly, as though he is more spectacular than the Gibb Brothers (um…ever heard of the Bee Gees?), a screen came down.

With the screen down, and Jacko gyrating to the beat of his own music, the once-safe skating patrons suddenly became patrons. People stopped and gazed, creating VERY UNSAFE conditions. One of my peers, Term Life Ted, collided with a 13 year-old, who tried to pick a fight. They didn’t end up fighting, and in the end, Ted bought Joseph a frozen beverage in the snack bar.

What’s the deal with the screen? Do you think that’s safe? Why not re-introduce Jart Nite?

Sincerely,

Jerry

No Reply

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 148 - Chex Mix Has No Nutritional Value and Rhonda is Fake - 4/29/2010

Dear General Mills,


When I look at a box of Chex, I see 10 to 25 percent of most of the important vitamins and minerals. When I look at your Chex Mix package, I see 2 percent of calcium, protein, and iron. Nutritionally void. I get more vitamins and minerals when I accidentally swallow a mosquito while running at dusk.

I get it. Chex is cereal, competing against Product 19, Special K, Total. And other fortified cereals. Chex Mix is a snack, competing against Cheetos, Potato Chips, popcorn, and other nutritionally void foods. By cutting the fat content, you’re a healthier alternative. As a result, the bean counters at General Mills probably said “let’s pad the profit margin and cut out the nutrients.” Let’s lower our standards to those around us.

I know. People shouldn’t be relying on snack foods for nutrition. People should eat balanced meals, low in fat, high in fiber, with all of the vital vitamins and minerals. Households with two working parents, or a single mom and a deadbeat dad, send Tommy to school with a Pop Tart for breakfast, and a five-spot for lunch Tommy orders hot lunch in the cafeteria, that consists of chicken nuggets, tater tots, and a room temperature peach wedge in heavy syrup.

Wouldn’t it be nice if Chex Mix picked up some of the slack when Tommy gets home from school? Maybe a little Vitamin A for eyesight and growth. B1 for nervous system, digestion, muscles, and heart. B2 for skin, nails, hair, sensitive lips and tongue, eyesight, the breakdown of protein, fat and carbohydrate. B12 for making red blood cells, and the formation of the nerves. Vitamin C for immune system, healing wounds, reducing cholesterol, , preventing scurvy. Vitamin D and calcium for bones and teeth. Vitamin E for fighting toxins. Iron for blood cells, and immunity.

Maybe throw in a little more fiber, so Tommy doesn’t have to push so hard.

What’s it cost you? A nickel or dime per bag to fortify it? A nickel or time to launch Chex Mix as the elite nutritional snack?

Otherwise, what’s the motivation not to buy fortified generic cereal that looks and tastes a lot like Chex, and make my own mix?

Sincerely,

Jerry
----------------------------------------
From: Corporate.Response@genmills.com

Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2010 12:59:40 -0500
Subject: Your Response From "General Mills" - 2010/04/30-0568 ZRS

Dear Jerry:

Thank you for contacting General Mills. Your comments are important to us.

We are committed to making a difference in the lives of our consumers. Feedback such as yours is important to the nature of our business.

We appreciate your loyalty and the time you took to contact us. Please be assured that we will share your thoughts with the appropriate individuals.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Short
Consumer Services
----------------------------------------

To: corporate.response@genmills.com
Subject: RE: Your Response From "General Mills" - 2010/04/30-0568 ZRS
Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2010 23:55:55 -0400

Dear Rhonda,

I think you're a robot, or a fictitious character, invented to send robotic responses to people's concerns, comments, observations, and questions. "Short" may stand for "Short, prefabricated, formy response to your concern. Back in June of last year, you responded as follows, to a letter that I wrote about Bac*O Bits. Mind you, the letter was more positive than my Chex Mix letter, hence the more positive forminess.

Dear Jerry:


Thank you for contacting General Mills regarding Betty Crocker Bac*O Bits. We appreciate the time you have taken to share your positive feedback with us. We will be very happy to pass on your comments to the product team.


We are committed to creating the highest quality products for our consumers. Feedback such as yours helps us achieve this goal for the future.

We appreciate your loyalty and hope you continue to enjoy our products.

Sincerely,


Rhonda Short

Consumer Services

Does that sound familiar? I lectured you back then about phoning it in. I'm lecturing you now about the same thing.

Stop phoning it in! I'm assuming I won't hear anything back from those appropriate individuals. I'm assuming I won't hear back from you, unless I activate the correct subroutine in the General Mills supercomputer, which seems pointless, since it's a wall constructed from form letters. I'm assuming the General Mills factories will continue to pump out the same nutritionally devoid Chex Mix for the masses.

Since this is probably our last correspondence, have a nice life. That is, if you're real.

Thanks,

Jerry

--------------------------

You May Also Enjoy:

Post# 134 - Family Tradition: Bugles

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From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com/

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Post # 147 - War on Spam: Gary and the Bowling Alley - 4/22/2010

Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2010 01:42:00 +0200
Subject: Confirm your Ł1,350.000 winnings
From: info@lottery.co.uk
To:

Dear: Sir/Madam

This is to bring to your notice that your e-mail address have just won the sum amount of Ł1,350,000.00 (One Million Three Hundred and Fifty Thousand Great British Pounds) from our Monthly online Bonanza Promotion, With the below winning information's:

To claim your winning cash prize you are to contact:

Sir Gary Millington

E-mail: process.clmfuds1@live.co.uk

Head Winning Claims Dept

And provide him with your below correct detail's:

1.Full Name:
2.Address:

3.Marital Status:

4.Occupation:

5.Age:

6.Sex:

7.Nationality:

8.Country Of Residence:

9.Mobile Number:

10.Fax Number:

11.Email Address:

Further information's about your winning prize will be given to you by Sir Edward Martin as soon as you contact him at the earliest, and note that you must be 18 years and above before you can claim your cash prize.

Regards,

Christina Becker

CO-Ordinator / Announcer

Irish Lottery Commission
--------------------------------------------------------
To: process.clmfuds1@live.co.uk
Subject: RE: Confirm your Ł1,350.000 winnings

Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2010 23:09:57 -0400

Dear Sir Gary,

As a new business owner, I'm swimming in debt. This is truly a godsend. See, I decided to combine my two favorite things: bowling and ladies, into one. I own a Gentleman's Club/Bowling Alley! I haven't made a dime yet, but I'm having a ball, if you pardon my pun

Let me get my hands on that dough!!

My information is:

1.Full Name: Red Devilham-Spread
2.Address: 35 East Slick Lane Gutterball Village, MA 21242
3. Marital Status: Are you kidding? I own a Gentleman's Club/Bowling Alley!!!
4.Occupation: Owner, "Mammory Lanes"
5.Age: 21
6.Sex: Male
7.Nationality: Norwegian-Icelandic
8.Country Of Residence: USA
9.Mobile Number: 877-952-8787
10.Fax Number: No fax
11.Email Address: see above, silly

Come on by the alley, Gary. I'll put the bumpers up for you (you seem like the bumper type).

Red


From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 146 - Kellogg Frosted Shards 1/4/2010

Dear Tony The Tiger,

I work in a firehouse. Our crew covers an 8 square mile neighborhood in our classic red Pierce pumper fire engine. Nothing fills us with the energy we need, like a morning bowl of Frosted Flakes. It’s part of THIS nutritious breakfast.

Frosted Flakes contain eleven essential vitamins and minerals, plus an entire day's allotment of sugar. Sometimes, when chief hasn't made it to the grocery store, and supplies are low, I get up a little early (before the others), slide down the pole, and sneak a bowl.

Yesterday morning, I was mid-bowl when the alarm rang. I hastily shoveled whatever I could into my mouth. I quickly chewed and swallowed. Mother of All Creatures Big and Small--that tore up my throat! It hurts to talk. What I discovered from this is: Kellogg Frosted Flakes, when eaten hastily, are like little sugary shards of broken glass. That's right--she's a fickle mistress--she'll get you when you're not paying attention.

My suggestion is, why not redesign the flake. Start with a more rounded edge. You could even have someone at the end of the assembly line with a dremel, working each flake.

My other idea: construct the flake sort of like safety glass--no sharp pieces. Have the flake made up of perforated rounded subsections.

What can we do? How do we fix this? How do you comfort the little children who complain about this same thing?

Thanks,

Jerry
-----------------------------------------------------------
From: kellogg@casupport.com

Subject: Kellogg's® Consumer Affairs 020649843A
Date: Tue, 5 Jan 2010 21:32:21 -0600

Jerry,

It was nice of you to want to share your suggestion with us. While your idea is not new to us, we appreciate your interest and the time you took to submit this idea.

Our company devotes a great deal of time and effort to developing new and improved products, packaging concepts, promotions and merchandising ideas, such as recipe ideas and alternate serving suggestions, to make our products the best on the market. We hope that you will agree we are on the right track here.

Please visit http://www2.kelloggs.com/greatideas/ to share a new product or promotion idea, a recipe idea or a suggestion for improving the food or packaging performance of a current Kellogg products. Please share your Big Idea with us.

We appreciate your interest in our company.

Sincerely,

Aime

Consumer Affairs Department
TLXACX01/cl
020649843A
-----------------------------------------
My response on 1/5/2010

Dear Aime,

I find it hard to believe you thought of taking a dremel to a flake, or designing a flake of corn like a sheet of safety glass. But they say Edison stole the light bulb idea too.

Look—I don’t really want a check. I’m not looking for my name on the box. I just want a safer breakfast for me and the boys down at the station. If letting you take credit gets the wheels in motion, than “Great Idea!”

Keep up the good work!

Jerry
-------------------------------

Kellogg sent me a follow-up survey, asking if I was satisfied (no), if their response seemed scripted (yes), whether I was involved on social networking sites, and discussed products and services (hell yes).  There was only one window for commentary, which I used to voice my complaint:
From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com

Post # 145 - DirecTV and Versus and How They Snuck It Back In There - 4/14/2010

Dear DirecTV,

You may recall me complaining, back in September, 2009 about not having the Versus channel for my NHL hockey. I was extremely upset. Just ask Marie R (Employee ID – 100180390), Pat L. (Employee 100166676), Fiona M. (Employee ID 100206372), and James M. (Employee ID 100338692).

I suggested leveraging Comcast by hiking their prices on the DirecTV-owned channels. You tried to upsell me with the NHL.

I suggested offloading some channels, including the Nun Channel, to offset the higher cost. You pointed out channels carrying Bull Riding, NASCAR, Mixed Martial Arts. That’s like offering a steak connoisseur some Dinty Moore Beef Stew, Red Devil Ham, and some SPAM.

I threatened to leave. You didn’t flinch. I cut one of my premium channels. You didn’t flinch. For months, I contemplated switching carriers. In the end, I chose eight years of loyalty over a few months of Hockey Bliss.

Apparently, you didn’t recall me complaining. I just found out that I have Versus. I just found out that I’ve had Versus for the past month. I spent a full month watching that babbling Nun instead of Hockey because Marie R, Pat L, Fiona M, and James M were in the break room sneaking leftover croissants and coffee instead of telling us that Versus was reinstated.

It’s funny—you know just where to find me when you want my money, but where were you with the notification about Versus? It makes me feel like my complaints fell on deaf ears. I suggested leveraging Comcast by hiking their prices on the DirecTV-owned channels. You tried to upsell me with the NHL.

I’m dissatisfied.

Jerry
---------------------------------------
From: directvcustomercare@directv.com

Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2010 04:59:47 -0700
Subject: RE: Versus [Reference #: 090902-010086] [Reference #:090904-002483][Reference #: 090904-005280] [Reference #: 090904-007407] [Reference #: 090905-000898] [Reference #: 100414-004367]

Subject
RE: Versus [Reference #: 090902-010086] [Reference #:090904-002483][Reference #: 090904-005280] [Reference #: 090904-007407] [Reference #: 090905-000898]
Discussion Thread
---------------------------------------------------------------
Response (Patricia M. - 100191056) - 04/15/2010 04:59 AM

Dear Jerry,

Thanks for writing. I completely understand your current situation and that you did not receive notice regarding Versus on DIRECTV. I'm very sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you.

Please be assured that Versus was restored on 03/25 and we gave due notice to all DIRECTV customers about this.

Difficult service experiences like the one you had are rare and we certainly do not take them lightly. I apologize for the trouble you had.

We respect your time and I appreciate that you've given me the opportunity to personally address your concerns. Please be assured that I have forwarded your information to DIRECTV management for review. This issue will be dealt with accordingly.

Thanks again for writing and for allowing us to address your DIRECTV concerns.

Sincerely,

Patricia M.
Employee ID 100191056
DIRECTV Customer Service

P.S. Have a question? Anytime, any topic, instant answers - support.directv.com The Answer Center provides you helpful information, 24/7, all at your fingertips.

 -----------------------------------------------
To: directvcustomercare@directv.com
Subject: RE: Versus [Reference #: 090902-010086] [Reference #:090904-002483][Reference #: 090904-005280] [Reference #: 090904-007407] [Reference #: 090905-000898] [Reference #: 100414-004367]
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2010 21:21:16 -0400

Dear Next Consumer Associate In The Queue,

In Patricia M's (Cust # 100191056) note, she tries to "thread the needle". She both sympathizes with me for not receiving notice, and states that all DirecTV Customers were given due notice. Is she calling me a "non-DirecTV Customer"? Is she calling me dense? Because that wouldn't be cool.

I checked my last two statements. I didn't see a "Hey you! Versus is back!" note in the footer. I didn't see any email in my mailbox, other than monthly statements. I didn't see a message on my cable box. I didn't see anything in the mail. I didn't get a telegram, smoke signal, message via carrier pigeon, message via Pony Express, singing candygram, airplane banners, blimp? Nothing. So how did you notify us?

Did you put a message on the actual Versus channel stating that Versus was coming back? Regardless of your method, with as much of a stink as I raised, I would have thought someone would have made an effort to personally contact me. DirecTV should have had a prepared list of irked hockey fans on speed dial, ready to go when this was all resolved.

Sincerely,

Jerry
------------------------------------
From: directvcustomercare@directv.com
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2010 05:52:23 -0700

Subject
--------------------------------------------------------------
RE: Versus [Reference #: 090902-010086] [Reference #:090904-002483][Reference #: 090904-005280] [Reference #: 090904-007407] [Reference #: 090905-000898] [Reference #: 100414-004367]
Discussion Thread
---------------------------------------------------------------
Response (Patricia M. - 100191056) - 04/16/2010 05:52 AM

Dear Jerry,

Thanks for writing back. I'm sorry to hear that you found my response offensive. I did not mean to cause any harm. Allow me to assist you with your concern.

I completely understand the way you feel because you were unable to receive any notice about the return of Versus in our programming line up. I understand your frustration over this matter and we certainly did not intend for you to feel that you're not valued as a DIRECTV customer. We certainly know that you have a choice when it comes to programming providers, and we must work hard to earn your business; thus customer service is always be our number 1 priority.

As mentioned in our previous email, We did our best to notify everyone. We communicated the good news to all our customers and posted the information online (http://support.directv.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/1832/session/L3NpZC9TTVI0bHlaag==). I'm sorry that you missed this announcement. However, this does not mean that we do not value your business; we certainly do.

For your reference, DIRECTV and Comcast have reached an agreement to return Versus and Versus HD to the DIRECTV lineup. Versus is available on channel 603 and is included in the same programming packages it was in at the end of August 2009.

Again, my sincere apologies for the inconvenience and frustration that this situation over Versus has caused you. We would also like to thank you for you patience, understanding and continued patronage for the services that we provide.

Thanks again for writing. We're happy to have you as a loyal DIRECTV customer and we look forward to providing you service for years to come.

Sincerely,

Patricia M.
Employee ID 100191056
DIRECTV Customer Service

P.S. Have a question? Anytime, any topic, instant answers - support.directv.com The Answer Center provides you helpful information, 24/7, all at your fingertips.
---------------------------
To: directvcustomercare@directv.com
Subject: RE: Versus [Reference #: 090902-010086] [Reference #:090904-002483][Reference #: 090904-005280] [Reference #: 090904-007407] [Reference #: 090905-000898] [Reference #: 100414-004367] [Reference #: 100415-003647]
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2010 15:43:55 -0400

Dear Patricia,

I apologize for lashing out. Thanks for following up. I'm not used to getting the same DirecTV customer service rep twice in a row.

I understand and that DirecTV feels that they notified their entire consumer base. However, I disagree. We're all busy people with careers, families, kids' afterschool activities, medical crap, family issues, bills to pay, etc. Amidst all of that last fall, we were all made aware that Comcast and DirecTV were haggling over Versus, and that we, as DirecTV customers, no longer had access to that channel. There were ads on the radio, notifications on television. It was EVERYWHERE.

In late March, when this was resolved, I saw no notification. I was too busy figuring out which friends had Comcast, and how to weasel my way onto their couch. Amidst all of the commotion, DirecTV puts a two sentence blurb on their "Answer Center" section in the DirecTV website that reads, "Versus on DIRECTV: DIRECTV and Comcast have reached an agreement to return Versus and Versus HD to the DIRECTV lineup. Versus is available on channel 603 and is included in the same programming packages it was in at the end of August 2009."

That was the notification that we all received? After all the hype about how "Comcast is trying to rip you off by overcharging you for Versus"? If we assumed that Versus was gone from our DirecTV lineup forever, how would we know to look on your "Answer Center" secton on March 25th?

DirecTV should have done more. A footer note on the monthly statement. A message on the box. Something in the mail. Radio ads on local sports talk radio station in the various markets. Something as simple as an email to those of us who complained. These would all be better methods than a tiny update on an answer section of your web page, about a question that was already "answered" last fall.

I'm assuming there was a meeting to determine the best way to notify us. I'm assuming some whiz kid or committee decided that the blurb on the website was the best method, for whatever "manage from the inside of a vacuum" reason. The person or people who made that call should be fired.

Sincerely,

Jerry

From http://thehermanletters.blogspot.com