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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Post# 282 - GE Light Bulbs and the One That Wouldn't Light

Dear General Electric,

What's the deal with your light bulbs.  I bought your candle-shaped bulbs to brighten our dining room for our Thanksgiving feast.  This was my big chance to impress my future in-laws.

With the turkey in the oven, I replaced the old, non-GE bulbs with these new, awesome General Electric Bulbs. When I flipped the switch, one didn't light.

I hopped in my car.  The store where I purchased them was closed.  The next store was out of bulbs.  The next one too!  I came home bulbless, and worse, my turkey was burnt.

My in-laws found fault with my turkey and my lighting.  Now everybody's talking about me behind my back.  I think I'm going to be next on the chopping block.  In fact, yes--as I type this, I'm receiving a "we owe it to ourselves to see other people" text.  Thanks.

You let me down.  You owe me a new bulb.  You owe me a new girlfriend!  This is very, very bad.

Sincerely,

Jerry

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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Post# 281 - Pam Cooking Spray: Your Spray Took The Lettering Off of My Waffle Iron

Dear Pam,

Holy Crap!  So I'm making waffles on Sunday morning. I spray a little of your delightful Pam Non-Stick Cooking Spray in my waffle iron, just to make waffle removal hinder-free.  The cap was loose, and it shout out the bottom.   Your spray found its way onto the fromt of my waffle iron.  When I wiped it off, the lettering disappeared.

The lettering was important.  It told me which little light was which.  One light is for "on" whie the other is for "done."  I keep guessing wrong.  Sunday mornings haven't been the same since.

Secondly, what the heck am I eating?  What does something that eats industrial paint do to my insides? 

My recent experience with Pam Non-Stick Cooking Spray was a real eye-opener.  Can you give me any reassurance that I'm not singlehandedly eating away at my insides?

Sincerely,

Jerry
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Subject: Consumer Affairs Email Response (Case#: 60609019)
Date: Monday, December 12, 2011, 7:27 AM
Dear Jerry,
Thank you for your email concerning our PAM Cooking Spray.
We sincerely apologize for your experience. We stand by the quality of our products, and want you to know that this matter has been taken seriously. Our products are safe to consume when used as directed. Our products are fully approved by the FDA.
We always strive to produce the finest quality products possible. If you would like to speak to someone regarding your experience, please call us at 1-877-CONAGRA (1-877-266-2472) between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 7:00 P.M. Central, Monday through Friday, and we will be happy to assist you further.

We will also be sending you coupons via regular mail that will be valid for ninety days. Please allow 1-2 weeks for receipt.
Thanks again for your feedback. We're listening!
Sincerely,

Michelle
Consumer Affairs Representative
ConAgra Foods
Case: 60609019
1-877-CONAGRA (1-877-266-2472)http://www.conagrafoods.com/
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Subject: Re: Consumer Affairs Email Response (Case#: 60609019)
Date: Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Dear Michelle,

Thank you for the note, and for the reassurance that everything is going to be okay.  One question: what in the food-safe cooking spray caused the paint on my waffle iron to vanish? 

Sincerely,

Jerry
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Post# 280 - Trident - Your New Packaging Stinks - 12/11/12

I sent this on 12/11/2012:

Dear Trident,  

For years and years, I enjoyed chewing your gum.  Your package allowed me to remove one piece at a time.  I was wheeling and dealing all day long with minty fresh breath.  Life was grand.

Then, one day, you went and broke it.  You introduced a new package.  A gum "box" with a tab that does nothing.  The box opens in my pocket, allowing individual pieces of Trident to scatter themselves among my car keys, change, comb, Chap Stick and other assessories that help to "get me through the day."
Why?
Why did you break what wasn't broken?  Was it a marketing ploy?  I have this image of the chewing gum game being "cut throat."  Was the idea to come up with a "sexy" package?  Is the new package cheaper?

Because the counter argument about the new package is that it doesn't work.  It works great when it's full, and all of the peaces are stacked neatly.  As gum pieces are removed, the remaining pieces are free to shuffle and shift, weakening the cardboard package, and jeopardizing the engagement of the tab on the package.  Next thing you know, I'm smelling peppermint from my pants because your gum has escaped and nestled itself among my car keys, lip balm and money clip.

If your gum package were a prison warden, he'd be the warden that inmates like.  The whole state would be peppered with orange jumpsuit escapees.  Packages are supposed to do just that.  Package.  Containers are supposed to contain. 
If your gum package were a shepherd, he'd be the one who falls asleep all the time and lets his sheep scatter.  If you're going to keep your existing packaging, make the tab effective, so that the slightest contact or friction within my pocket doesn't cause the tab to disengage, the lid to open, and the gum to escape.

Your gum package is that one substitute teacher in middle school that let all the kids play euchre instead of learning about Roosevelt's New Deal.
If you're taking a survey, mark me down as unhappy.
Sincerely,
Jerry
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Subject: Re: Your Comment/Question Case ID: 22967045
To: cadburyus@casupport.com
Date: Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Kim,

It doesn't really feel like you read my note.  It feels like a software interface scanned my note and picked out some keywords. 

1) This wasn't a safety issue.  Just some loose gum in my pocket instead of my pocket.

2) This wasn't a defective package.  This is every package.  This is a design issue.  It meets your quality standards because, again, this is every package of gum that you make, all day long, 24/7, 365.

3) You mentioned that you've taken steps to minimize this from happening again.  This is the best news I have heard.  What exemplary customer service!  You've fixed the design issue with the package?

I'm curious. What did you do?  Stiffen the packaging?  Lengthen the tab?  Eliminate that foil that seems to get in the way of everything?  Do tell.  I can't wait to buy my next package!

Thanks again,

Jerry-----------------------------------
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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Post# 279 - War on Spam: Gontrand and His Reassurance

From: gontrandst.julian68057175@hotmail.com
Subject: Fwd: jerry
Date: Mon, 24 Oct 2011 15:37:36 -0400


We were sent this a some day's ago jerry and now we are passing this to everyone in our contacts as Im sure it will be of use to many of you all.

http://digg.com/u1VC4Mztr

Gontrand St.Julian
--------------------------
To: gontrandst.julian68057175@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: jerry
Date: Mon, 24 Oct 2011 18:40:30 -0400


Thanks Gontrand.  I  was worried about it!

By the way, what kind of name is Gontrand?  It sounds like a space age fabric or possibly an STD.

Jerry

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